Friday, December 21, 2007

Yoga Students - The YIP and the YOG

First off, be aware that like the Yin and the Yang, the Alpha and the Omega, you will be confronted with the polar opposites of students in the Yoga scene. These are affectionately known as the Yip and the Yog. Simply put, the Yip is the Yogically hip; the purveyor of the cool, tight and trendy pimp chic look of contemporary Yoga. Fed by the Yoga Industrial Marketing and Merchandising Complex (YIMMCo), these Yogis have evolved the simple needs of Yoga into an alt Yogic lifestyle. Too hip to read Yoga magazines (though they tend to sneak peeks from time to time to verify how ahead of the Yoga curve they are) they seek out their too cool and post-mod ideas on Buddhist web sites.

The Yog on the other hand is “not”. They, most likely, are beginner Yogis that have not been tainted by the YIMMCo as of yet. In certain urban Yoga studios, the Yog will be made to feel unwelcome and may even be discouraged from pursuing Yoga. They may, however, be given the advice to check out the Yoga Fashion page of the YogaDawg website before coming back to a Yoga class.

To help guide you on your path to Yoga Yipness, the following is a handy guide to refer to when confronted with choices in the Yoga world.

Yoga Music:
Dave Stinger
David Newman
Deva Premal

Krishna Das
Jai Uttal
Anything with singing bowls, temple bells or gongs

Style of Yoga:
YIP Male
YIP Female

Iyengar, Anusara or Generic Vinyassa

Yoga Clothing:
YogaDawg Gear or anything designed by independent, gay Yoga clothes designers living in the East Village of NYC.

Lululemon, Gaiam or any other Yoga clothing line that is advertised in Yoga Journal.

Yoga Mat:
YIP Male
The Black Manduka or the YogaDawg 'It Ain't Lavender' Men's Yoga Mat
YIP Female
The Purple Manduka or the YogaDawg Natural HempYoga SuperMat

Note: The YogaDawg MyPodSouthParkTripleLatte Super Mat is also acceptable to Yips of a certain age (see Yoga Mats).

Gaiam, any other mat advertised in Yoga Journal (excluding the black or purple Manduka) or a Pilate mat.

Buddhist, Taoist, Hindu symbols or any symbols from an obscure Eastern based religion.

Om symbol and anything other then the above.

Religious Affiliation:
Buddhist, Taoist, Hindu or any obscure Eastern religion.

Wicca, any Judeo-Christian religion or New Age belief.

Reading Material:
The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali and EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine.

Light on Yoga by BKS Iyengar and Yoga Journal.

Age Limit:
21 through 32

Other then above

Special Note: YIPs can morph into YogaDawgs after the age of thirty-two. Though not considered as hip as a YIP, YogaDawgs are still quite respected in the YIP community.

Special Note 2: YogaDawgs will continue to maintain this designation and respect from the YIP community as long as they refrain from any of the following:

1. Moves to the suburbs
2. Works in an office
3. Works as an accountant, engineer, programmer or salesperson
4. Lives with a partner that does one of the above

Now that you know how to spot and become a YIP versus a YOG, let’s explore the types of Yoga students that you will no doubt meet in your Yoga journey

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Yoga Students - The Spoiler

You will recognize this student by their top of the line Yoga mat, name brand spandex yoga shorts with matching Yoga tee shirt and Om symbol gold necklace, all purchased from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore. Though not a Yoga teacher, they are, none the less, sufficiently above the level of the classes that they are taking. You will find them mostly in beginner Yoga classes. The Spoiler will walk into the classroom with a swagger, pose and preen, maybe even letting out a bored sigh as they set up their mat. They will always set up in front of the class, directly in line with the teacher. This is a strategic move as it offers maximum visibility for the other students to watch them. If the Spoiler gets there too late and sees that their prime space has been taken, they will usually turn around and go home. For fun, try to get to class early where there is a known Spoiler and take their prime spot. It was been known for them to walk around in circles confused to where they will set up. Try not to chuckle too much if this happen as they might catch on and end up taking their mat and going home.

The Spoiler will begin doing Yoga poses before the class even starts. This is a favorite ploy of their's as they will try to strike up a sense of Yoga superiority early on. Once the class starts, the Spoiler will adapt advanced postures secure in the knowledge that the other students are mere beginners. There will be an occasional smile on their face as they think to themselves, "Damn, I'm good. Look at the rest of these losers." The Spoiler will know the Sanskrit names of the poses and may even try speaking Hindi to the teacher. The Spoiler will tend to do poses even while the teacher is explaining something to the class or while the rest of the students are resting in Child Pose. They take great pride in demoralizing the other students in the class.

Inner Dialog: Damn I'm good. Look at me go. I am the greatest. Check out all the students looking at me. They know I am the greatest. Watch me do this pose while everyone else is in Child pose. I'll get the teacher's attention now. Hot dog, she's looking at me. I'm bitchin' today. Ah well, screw it that everyone else is doing a forward bend, check out my headstand everybody. Damn, I'm the greatest...

Monday, December 17, 2007

Yoga Students - The Poser

This student will often be confused with the Spoiler, as they also will have a top of the line Yoga mat, name brand spandex Yoga shorts with matching tee shirt and Om symbol gold necklace purchased from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore. The Poser will also strategically set up in front of the teacher like the Spoiler. They will ceremonially unroll their mat and take great care to align it just perfectly. They will carefully place a yoga non-slip towel on top of that and go through motions of smoothing out every wrinkle and bump. Lastly, the Poser will take a hand towel, also with an Om symbol on it, ordered from the back of EternallyBlissfulYoga SuperMagazine and place it at the head of the mat in perfect alignment.

The fun begins, once the class starts. Predictably, the Poser will start huffing and puffing within the first three minutes. They will stop to sop the sweat off their brow as everyone else is doing poses. Within the next five minutes, they will start to slow down as clearly this class is too advanced for them even though it is a beginner class. After fifteen minutes, they will start to slip and slide from the sweat that is dripping onto their mat; possibly falling over. Twenty minutes into the class, they will be spent. The Poser will spend the rest of the time mostly in resting poses. They will not hear the snickering from the other students as the Poser begins to groan and moan through the class. The Poser will sneak out of the class while everyone is in final resting pose. This student will never been seen in the same studio once they have been found out to be a Yoga Poser; but they will be glad about their top of the line Yoga clothes and matching colored mat.

Inner Dialog: Cool, I'm in front of the teacher and everyone is checking out my cool, new top of the line Yoga clothes and matching colored mat from the GreatTranscendentalYoga SuperStore. Okay, here we go...Whee, look at me doing this stuff...up I go, down I go... whoa, everyone is looking at me, I am good…This is so much damn fun. What?!...what the f@&$ is this??? What is the teacher doing? I don't know that pose...I thought this was a beginner class....this is bullshit. Now what is the teacher doing??? I can't do that...damn everyone is looking at me...oh no, I have to go into child's pose. They are going to know I'm a poser. This sucks...I'm so depressed....I need my Prozac...I’ve got to sneak out of here...

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Yoga Students - The Eye

The Eye is at class not to do Yoga, but to lurk and leer. They will have read somewhere, most likely on the Internet that Yoga classes have lots of hot babes in them. In addition to that, Yoga looks kind of easy. Not like that Pilate class the Eye went to because he heard there are lots of hot babes in it. The Eye is a collector of EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine because he digs the Yoga babes on the cover and especially in the ads. He is not sure what this Yoga is about since he doesn't read the articles but he sure loves the pictures.

You will recognize the Eye by his tacky, lounge-lizard clothes; Yoga Cargo shorts with the button down, synthetic Yoga shirt from K-Mart. He will throw his mat down haphazardly and will reek of cheap cologne. The Eye will try to make small talk with the receptionist, if female; the students, if female; the teacher, if female. He will attempt to touch you if you are female. Rebuffed by all, he will lie down on his mat like he is at the beach. His water bottle will have mixture of vodka and white lightning. He will be drinking from this copiously. The Eye’s eyes will start to wander. They will check out the Yoga student babes and the Yoga teacher babe. He will think that this is even better then looking at the ads and cover of EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine. As the Eye eyes wander even more, he will become unsteady, a bit dizzy and possibly even fall over. He will be reaching for his water bottle frequently during class.

Inner Dialog: Dig this!! She's hot! Whoa, look at that one…dig those shorts… hot! Ooh no, check this one out to my left…I dig that shirt she's wearing, she's hot! Dear Lord, look at the ass on that one over there, I think I'm in love (was that a dirty look she just gave me)? Oh man, oh man, oh man, check out the knockers on that one. Damn hard to concentrate on this Yoga stuff...Wait, wait, is the teacher trying to get my attention??? Yes, yes she is, damn she's a babe…she's hot! She is saying something to me...roll up my mat?...she is asking to follow her out of the class...Damn she is so impressed with my Yogic abilities that she thinks I'm hot and wants to give me a private lesson. I love this Yoga stuff...wait, is that the door out of the studio she's showing me to??? She is opening door...wait, wait what do you mean never come back here again? Hey, do I get my money back...

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Yoga Students - The Matriarch

The Matriarch is the mate of the Old Fart. She will be a trillion years old. In class, she will tsk, tsk under her breath, have an air of condescendence, interrupt the teachers with words like, "well, the way I was taught...", give the students the 'look' if they try to save the teacher and finally subdue the class into complete silence, including the teacher. Expect the teacher to stop verbalizing the instructions after the 3rd or 4th pose in the presence of a Matriarch. Everyone will be intimidated by her.

Inner Dialog: Look at all these young bitches. Yea, so what that you're 50 years younger then me. So you have a tight Yoga ass, big deal. At least I know what I'm doing. Been doing Yoga for 60 years. So what that my husband hates me. He's probably in the bar next door anyway. I better not catch his ass there. Anyway, let's see how good you are once we get started. What are you looking at? That right, this is the manual written by the CYO of the Nerd school. You know I'm going to give the teacher a piece of my mind if she starts doing stupid stuff with the poses. Yea, that right Missy, show off your tits in those fancy Yoga cloths. That's right; I don't shop at the crappy GreatTrancendentalYoga Superstore. This unitard I've been wearing for the last 30 years is good enough for me. Screw your stupid sticky mats. This blanket is where it is at...hey, that guy with the gold chains has kind of a nice ass…

Friday, December 07, 2007

Yoga Students - The Really, Really Old Fart

Most likely wandered in the class thinking it was the senior citizen center. Please help him find his way back home.

Inner Dialog: Where am I?????

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Yoga Students - The Shirtless One

The Shirtless One is the bane of Yoga students and teachers alike. This dreaded student is naturally a male. With the first drop of swear, they will whip their shirt off. They will think that they are great specimens of the human body. Whoever has the misfortune of being behind of next to the Shirtless One will be subjected to a sweaty and hairy back for the entire class. Quickly move away if you recognize a Shirtless One has entered the class.

Inner Dialog: We really don't know what the Shirtless one is thinking but you will join the rest of the class in pleading collectively, "Please don't take your shirt off, please don't... pretty please, don’t take your shirt off…"; but of course he does...

Friday, November 30, 2007

Yoga News - Innovative New Magazine Launch - Men's Yoga Magazine

Freddie Hobert For Yoga Magazine Institute

Men will be able to get a fresh perspective on the Yoga world around them this month thanks to the nationwide launch of YQ, an exciting new magazine which aims to bring the male perspective to Yoga.

Covering everything from Yoga fashion to Yoga flirting, Yoga music to Yoga studios with its own unique stance, this picture-led publication will transform the way men think about Yoga. Articles in the premiere issue include:

No more Lavender Yoga Mats

Defeminizing the Yoga Studio

Yoga Ain't Gay by Earl of San Antonio

Spotlight on Yoga - YoGun Yoga Studios

Most exciting of all is the Yoga Babe of the Month centerfold which will be of great inspiration for aspiring male Yogis and is sure to keep the male Yoga student motivated. The Yoga Babe of the Month for the premier issue will be Rainbeau Mars. YQ is the first publication of its kind to compete in the Yoga male magazine sector, a particularly challenging market.

It will be edited by YogaDawg who commented, "At last there is an alternative to that fem Yoga rag, Yoga Journal. Now men won't have to request a plain brown wrapper when buying their Yoga magazine through the mail or at a Yoga studio. We are getting lots of positive feedback from both male Yoga students and male Yoga Stars on the magazine."

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Yoga Studio Design - The Yoga Studio Shop

As a Yoga studio owner, the Yoga studio shop is where you will want to lavish the most attention and care. This will be your perennial money maker, so always think bigger is better. As a general rule, you will want to make this the largest space in the studio. You will also want to locate it right by the front door so as not to be missed by your students as they enter the studio for their classes.

Ideally though, to maximize your Yoga profits, you will want to have the Yoga shop occupy at least half the size of the studio. You will then strategically place the receptionist desk right in the middle of it with Yoga merchandise overflowing from shelves and displays placed all around it. This will allow your students to do some much needed Yoga shopping before (and after) their Yoga class. Always design your studio and shop so that the student will be forced to make their way through it before they go to their classes.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Yoga Studio Location - Introduction

As you continue your journey as a Yogi, you will begin to seek out interesting and enlightened Yoga studios. The location of these Yoga studios will most likely be in a neighborhood that was once blighted and shunned by the good citizens of the city. Where drug dealers and thugs ran amok, the area is now swarming with Yuppies, BoBos (Bourgeois Bohemians) and Yogis with their brightly colored Yoga mats. The purifying effect of the Yoga scene and Yoga itself has the power to run even the most hardened criminal out of the area. The progression of an area of hell to Yoga Heaven happens in the following way:

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Yoga Studio Location - Phase 5

Yoga studios are established on every other block (usually next to the Starbucks). The artists move out because they can no longer afford to live here. Condos will be built with a minimum price of $500,000 per unit.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Yoga Nidra

YogaDawg will now guide you through Yoga Nidra. If you have trouble sleeping, please refer to the video below (Don't laugh, this is serious stuff).

Start in Corpse pose

Relax your body
Relax your mind
Inhaaale slowly....Pause
Exhaaale slowly....Pause
Feel a sense of Peace
Quiet your body and mind
Move quietly inward
Feel a sense of peace
Inhaaale slowly....Pause

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Yoga Teachers

YogaDawg will now introduce you to your Yoga teachers and explain their personal styles and proclivities. As you learn about Yoga teachers and what they offer, you will be able to wisely choose your classes.

Once you decide on a Yoga teacher and attend your first Yoga class, it is advised that you figure out fairly quickly whether your teacher is nuts or not. This was not much of a concern when Yoga was being practiced, as explained by John Schumacher (minor American Yoga Star) by “hippies, retired little old ladies, weirdos” and people from California as they were easily recognizable from the general public. But now that Yoga has gone mainstream, cuckoo Yoga teachers might now be more difficult to identify. So with that in mind, here are signs that your Yoga teacher might be a wack-job:

Brings their cats to class (or dogs, goldfish or animal crackers as the case may be)might indicate that the Yoga teacher is not all there.

Makes animal noises during poses (barking during Down Dog, cawing during Crow, hissing during Cobra or making gulping sounds during Fish pose) all indicate that the teacher is most likely off their rocker.

Blasts Beethoven’s Ode to Joy during class (or plays Opera and sings along) is an indication that the Yoga teacher may have a screw loose.

Tucks you in before Savasana might indicate that the lights are on but no one is home.

Reads quotes from Timothy Leary’s Psychedelic Experience (or give a peace sign while saying “Peace” at the end of class, or saying things like “groovy” or “far-out” or “right-on”) probably means that the Yoga teacher is trippin'.

Introduces themselves as some variant of a Sanskrit name such as Shanti, Shakti, Om, Freddy-ji, etc,.in place of their birth name such as Sally, Betty, Kim, Fred etc, could indicate that the Yoga teacher is most likely cracked.

Wears a Unitard (Yikes, run for the exits as this teacher will also show one or more of the above signs).

So with that out of the way, let’s examine the types of Yoga teachers that you will run into in your Yoga journey:

Yoga Teacher

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Yoga Teachers - The Facilitator

The Facilitator will ask you your name before class, smile at you, ask if you have any injuries, use your name over and over and address you by name as you leave class. They are genuinely glad that you are there. If you have a question about a pose they will recite passages from ancient Hatha Yoga texts. The Facilitator can't do enough for you. They comb your hair, straighten your shirt and brush the dandruff off your shoulder.

The Facilitator will also invite you to stay for tea after class and invite you home for dinner. They will walk you to your car as they ask about your life and aspirations. They may even end up sleeping with you.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Yoga Teachers - The High Touch

This type of teacher will do all they can to have physical contact with you. They will call this an "adjustment". If you are averse to being touched, you should probably roll your mat up and leave then and there. You will be able to spot them before class because they will be the ones hugging and rubbing the shoulders of the students as they walk in. Once the class begins, you will be subjected to rubs, caresses and pecks on the cheek.

TIP: Don’t moan.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Yoga Teachers - The High Tech

Otherwise known as the Tinkerer. You will recognize the High Tech teacher by the head phones they will be wearing as they enter the class. This teacher will be endlessly adjusting their MP3 player and laptop that is providing the music during the class. They will be a whirl of kinetic energy as they constantly move between their mat and their gadgets. You will find them occasionally in deep concentration pondering one or several of their devices in the same way another teacher might ponder a Yoga pose. They will occasionally forget that they are teaching a class and that any students are there.

Be prepared to find yourself holding poses for a very long time as the High Tech starts to text message someone and forgets you are there. You will start to suspect that they have forgotten as soon as your start to cramp up. It will be okay to drop into child pose at that point or even leave the class, as the Whatever has most likely forgot where they are and only remember after they have turned off and packed up all their gadgets.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Yoga Teachers - Yoga Teacher Sub-classes

The Clueless

These are new teachers who have graduated from one of the many teacher training courses that Yoga studios offer. The course will last for 4 weekends in a month. They will have graduated this course and might have even practiced Yoga for a couple of years.

The Very Clueless

Same as above, but they have taken the Express version of the course that is held for two weekends in the month. You pray they have some Yoga under their belts.

The Extremely Clueless

Same as above but have taken the weekend teacher training course and probably exaggerate about how much Yoga they have done. Your only line of defense is to completely ignore them, do nothing they say to do. If you make the mistake of following their instruction be prepared to get injured.

TIP: It is always a good idea to make sure your health insurance is current before taking a Yoga class with the Extremely Clueless.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Yoga News - SF to Yoga – Turn down the Heat

Wavy Garcia
For SF Yoga

In one of the more extreme responses to the global warming crisis, practicing Yoga in a “hot” studio may be relegated to history's dust bin in San Francisco if that city gets its way. The Mayor’s office sent out notices today requesting all “hot” Yoga studios in San Francisco to refrain from unnecessarily heating their studios. “We hope they (Yoga studios) will turn down the heat voluntarily before a complete ban on excessive heat in their studios goes into effect”, Mayor Newsom said while signing the notice.

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors is proposing a prohibition on any Yoga studio that’s get hotter then 72 degrees. The proposed ban would take effect next year. Ross Mirkarimi, a member of the Board of Supervisor told the SF Chronicle newspaper that ``yoga studios designed to pump out excessive heat is a complete waste of energy and causes too much CO2 thus is a direct factor in global warming. This is unacceptable behavior in our enlightened city. If they can’t get sweaty enough during their Yoga practice without turning up the heat in the studio, then they need to take up something else, like volley-ball perhaps”.

For those who abhor Yoga as a vulgar display of affluence (along with yoga conferences, yoga clothing and yoga jewelry), such a ban could be a two-fer: Saving the planet while thumbing their nose at economic inequality. The folks against “hot” Yoga in SF often are same ones who hate McMansion-sized homes, corporate jets, jumbo freezers, yachts, 60-inch flat-screens TVs, overnight-delivery services and other trappings of Western-style wealth and energy use.

But according to some distracters, the debate isn't just about how much carbon dioxide “hot” Yoga is pumping into the atmosphere. Owners of “hot” yoga studios believe that this is really about the disdain that other schools of Yoga hold for this style of Yoga. “It wouldn’t surprise me if some members of the Board of Supervisors are doing that wimpy Anusara crap”, remarked Karmaelectra of Hot Tamali Yoga in Beacon Hill.

Reaction was swift and to the point from the targeted studios upon hearing about the ban. Shanti Bliss, owner of the Hot Dog Yoga studio, exclaimed, “This burns me up”, while Durk of Hot and Heavy Yoga said, “If they (Board of Supervisors) can't stand the heat then they need to get out of the kitchen”. When Sri Paris of That’s Hot Yoga in LA was asked if she was concerned that a similar ban might be proposed in LA, she simply remarked, “That mayor’s hot”.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Yoga Studios - The Purple Haze

The interior design of this type of studio is a drug-induced, psychotic, psychedelic nightmare that will pound your retina and brain into submission. Upon entering, you will find your field of vision becoming overwhelmed as you are assaulted by the jumbled, visual cacophony. You will close your eyes a lot in a studio like this simply to provide a safe haven your eyes. When you are able to peek around, you will find all manners of mandalas, Tibetan art works, day-glow posters of Ravi Shakar, funky hand painted peace signs, paisley wall hangings and tie-dyed statues of Buddha, Shakti and Jimi Hendrix. You might see Tibetan prayer flags hanging up above along with Love and Mardi Gras beads. Expect to find a gong and even bong in a corner of the studio. Perhaps you will even see Cockatoos flying around along with a pair of trapezes artists swinging above.

The Purple Haze studio always follows a very predictable evolution. Having been established during the 1960s as a Head Shop, it morphed into a meditation temple as the owners were busted for Pot or subversive left-wing activity and then a Yoga studio to cash into the Yoga craze.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Yoga Studios - The Eco Haven

The Eco Haven follows the guidelines set forth in the EcoYoga Association’s guide to ‘green’, ecologically sound and sustainable resource Yoga studios. The construction of the walls will be made from straw-bales and compressed corn-cobs making it smell a little like a barn. It will have a roof planted with soybeans or alfalfa. It will utilize passive solar design and may be dug into the south side of a tenement or condo building. The studio will feature rain water collection barrels on the roof, integrated wastewater treatment for the sink and toilets, photovoltaic electrical systems, solar hot water heaters, passive solar heating and a bio-climatic eco-cycle system. There also be sweat reclamation devices along with idle, inner chatter channelers and a Negative Vibes Converter.

The Eco Haven will be proud to offer a variety of eco-safe products in the studio store that the Eco Haven has branded with its own studio logo. You will find the new and exciting EcoHaven Yoga Mat whose innovated design is fashioned from the floor debris collected in the studio. It consists of lint, mat droppings and assorted hairs and dead skin from the Yogis practicing there. These are mixed with the recycled bit of unclaimed mats left in the studio. Remember that we must all do our part for a sustainable future of Yoga.

These studios will usually be arranged in a Feng Shui fashion. Otherwise, it will aligned to the either the cardinal points of the Great Pyramid in Giza, the equinox head stone at Stonehenge, the sacrificial alter in the Jaguar Temple at Chichén Itzá or the apex of the orbit of the ex-planet Pluto.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Yoga Studios - Lavender Haze

This is a frilly variant of the I Have A Dream style of studio interior design. Do not confuse it with the Purple Haze style. Though the names might be similar, they are of a completely different aesthetic. Whereas the Purple Haze seems stuck in a time warp, the Lavender Haze is stuck in an age warp; the age of about 12.

The color 'Lavender' (other studios of this type may use colors like 'Bubble Gum', 'Rose Puff', 'Teeny Bopper Blush' or 'Baby's Bottom') will be everywhere in the studio. There will be lavender walls, lavender floors, lavender mats with the teachers and even the students wearing lavender colored clothes. The front desk and the computer will be lavender and when they manage to use another color, say green for example, it will look like lavender. You will notice soft pillows and furry stuffed animals in the shape of elephants, Brahma bulls and water buffalos. Also you will notice the cute, furry lavender colored, stuffed Buddhas.

You will always know when you are approaching a Lavender Haze because there will be a lavender glow emanating from the studio as you approach it from down the block.

TIP: Men - There is a tendency for males to become severely nauseous when practicing in a Lavender Haze. Remember that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

TIP: Women - It is suggested that you bring a mat that is of a different color than lavender as there is a tendency to lose it as it blends into the lavender haze.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Yoga Studios - The Leave Me the Hell Alone

Mysteries abound around this type of studio as it is a great mystery what goes on in it and what it looks like inside. There might be some grainy and out of focus photos of the studio on it’s website and the only way that you really know that it is a Yoga studio is because the website said it is. The site will list an address and some vague indication that they offer Yoga classes. If you actually go to a Leave Me the Hell Alone type of studio, you will find the door locked. You will feel like an idiot by following the suggestion of the sign on the door to “Knock hard’ while no one opens the door.

Any Yogis that stumbles on one of these studios and by chance, someone actually opens the door, please email YogaDawg so this web site will at last have a description of what it looks like inside.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Yoga News - YogaDawg makes History - Worlds First Yoga humor eBook

Mark Bishop
For EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

In a move that is sure to take the wind out of the debut of the new Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, YogaDawg Productions announced the publication of the new Yoga humor eBook, My Third Eye Itches.

Described as a “hilarious and satirical look at the neo-pop Yoga scene as practiced today by the cool, tight and trendy pimp-celebrity post-mod BoBo culture”, it has been reported that thousands of YogaDawg fans have gathered inside Yoga studios in major cities around the world over the weekend to discuss this most remarkable eBook and were asking important questions such as, 'Who dies at the end?', 'Does YogaDawg survive?’ and, in particular, “Is HotDawg (a disciple of YogaDawg) still hot or not?”

In Nigeria (headquarters of YogaDawg Productions), YogaDawg had received several email inquiries asking if My Third Eye Itches was some kind of joke and added that they would order a copy if reassured that the eBook is in fact real and not some Nigerian internet scam. YogaDawg Productions has replied with this statement, “This eBook is most certainly real and available. Just press the “Buy” button on the page. We expect sales to soar once we can get Yogis to stop doing down dogs long enough to click that damn button. Come on, you can do it.”

Weighing in with a hefty 100 pages, reviews of My Third Eye Itches have been almost universally glowing. Noting that the humorous tone of the book is a welcome relief in a jaded Yoga world, YogaDawg, age 97, is likely to see his fortunes swell with the publication of this Yoga masterpiece. He is currently estimated to be worth $211.59 from both sales of My Third Eye Itches and his world famous and much in demand YogaDawg t-shirts. With the publication of the eBook and on the heels of his successful LA tour, there are rumors of a Hollywood adaptation of My Third Eye Itches. If these rumors are true, the film is expected to bring in record global box office receipts.

Meanwhile, in India, police said they seized hundreds of pirated copies of My Third Eye Itches from a customer call center in Bangalor. It is also reported that unscrupulous street vendors are hawking pirated copies to Iyengar and Ashtanga students in both Pune and Mysore.

In a curious side note, in the hours after the release of My Third Eye Itches, Las Vegas bookmakers cut their odds that YogaDawg would actual sell a copy of the eBook, from 1,000,000/1 to 999,998/1. It is reported that there a couple of bets placed from “suspicious looking people wearing high end Yoga clothing and gold Om necklaces”.

Praise for My Third Eye Itches

Baron Baptiste – Not this fucking YogaDawg guy again….

George Bush – Dick, where’s your damn shotgun? This guy is getting on my nerves.

Dick Cheney – I think I’m having a heart attack.

Paris Hilton – YogaDawg’s hot.

Al Gore – YogaDawg is definitely causing global warming with all his hot air.

Rodney Yee – Colleen, is this book going to hurt my Yoga video sales?

Colleen Saidman - Shut up Rodney and go into Childs pose

Lindsey Lohan – It’s not my cocaine, it fell out of the YogaDawg eBook.

Geeta Iyengar – YogaDawg’s hot!

Harry Potter – YogaDawg makes Yoga more fun then Quidditch.

JK Rowling – Shut up Harry. I knew I should have killed your ass off in the last book...

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Yoga News - YogaDawg Does LA

Saul Mauled
For EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

Financed by the non-profit YogaDawg Foundation and sponsored by adoring fans, disciples and assorted Yoga splinter groups, YogaDawg arrived in Los Angeles to deliver a series of lectures, workshops, classes and personal meeting with the leading members of the LA Yoga Industrial Complex (known as the “Industry”).

Promoting his SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy ® method, YogaDawg wowed the Yogis in the City of Angels with his most efficient and amazing insights and approach to Yoga. Like a reigning pop star, YogaDawg arrived at LAX to the cheers of adoring fans and disciples with throngs of people lining the roads and highways as YogaDawg rode past on his way to Hollywood to met with members of the “Industry” to discuss the future of Yoga in America.

Packing lecture halls and yoga studios, YogaDawg demonstrated his method to all that would listen. Spending the night at the Paris Hilton in the West Hollywood Hills, YogaDawg held court with members of the press and the paparazzi, resulting in news articles in the major paper as they described the excitement of YogaDawg’s presence in the city.

Jenny “ShivaShaktiYogini-jini” Bennie described the excitement the best. Interviewing Jenny doing asanas next to her cardboard “squat” under a bridge on I-5 close to downtown LA (and home to other homeless Yogis), Jennie explained, “I thought that guy who spend the night with us was just another burned out, disillusioned Yoga wanna-be who had come to Hollywood with dreams of opening their own Yoga studio and becoming a Yoga Star. Who knew that he was the real deal? And shit, that guy was damn funny!”

Editors Note: In all seriousness, really and truly, not kidding, all joking aside, YogaDawg would like to thank Vanda Mikoloski, the Quantum Comedienne, for great laughs; Joni Yung, the Accidental Yogist for endless talks and Kimberly Fowler, the founder of YAS, for getting YogaDawg to do some real “California Dreaming”. Thanks for making a wayward Yogi feel at home and among friends in the Yoga capital of the world. These are the three coolest Yogis in LA…honest!


1. YogaDawg travels to LA in style.
2. YogaDawg arrives in LA to adoring fans.
3. YogaDawg speaks to packed lecture halls.
4. YogaDawg demonstrats the SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy ® Method in crowded Yoga studios.
5. YogaDawg enters the gateway of Hollywood.
6. YogaDawg makes headline in LA papers.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Yoga Dangers - Introduction

YogaDawg would be remiss if mention of certain Yoga dangers, both physical and psychological, were ignored. These are not to be taken lightly, as they could discourage you in your practice as well as causing long term health problems. Most Yoga books only mention the positive aspects of the practice, but the Yoga Guide will not flinch from this responsibility. YogaDawg feels it is important that you, as a Yoga student, are aware of these dangers.

If you find yourself developing any of these symptoms, please call 1-800-Get-Dawg to schedule an appointment at the YogaDawg Psychic Health Emporium.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Yoga Dangers - Obsessive Adjustmentitis

This happens when a Yogi has lost sight of the boundary between Yoga and the real world. After a few months of getting adjusted in a yoga class, there is a clear problem of extending this behavior outside the Yoga studio. You may find yourself adjusting sales clerks, your boss or anyone else you run into for that matter. This will not only piss them off but you may possibly be charged with assault so seek professional help as soon as possible for this condition.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Yoga Dangers - Erectile Full Function Fibrillation

A male condition that occurs during a Yoga class while getting an adjustment from a pretty, young Yoga instructor. This occurs sporadically and there is no known cure. If this condition persists, only practice Yoga with instructors 60 years of age or over.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Seane Cuts her Hair

Sheri Sang
For Yoga Celebrity Magazine

Seane Corn, famous American yoga star and yoga babe, cut her hair last week. Even though her fawning male students are in shock, Ms. Corn reports that she is quite happy with her new 'doo'.

"I wasn't getting the respect for my yoga skills like the other famous American yoga stars. Everyone was so focused on my hair and not my yoga that I decided to cut it off. I'm not just my hair, you know. I am so much more. Besides, that stuff kept getting in my eyes all the time during all my poses", Ms.Corn said. She added, "I thought I might do the braid thing that Ana (Ana Forrest, another famous American yoga star) has going on, but Shiva (Shiva Rae, another famous yoga star) said yoga students might confuse us. So she suggested this".

When Baron Baptiste, another famous American yoga star, was reached for comments regarding Ms. Corn's new hair style, Mr. Baptiste said, "I don't know why she doesn't wear a bandana like me. I think that would be kind of hot".

Meanwhile, the members at the Organization of Bald Men are thrilled by her new look. "We have adopted her as an inspiration to all of us here", said Barry Barnsworth, spokesmen for the organization. "I think a lot of us are going to take up yoga", he added.

Seane Corn sporting her new hair style.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Yoga News - Paris Does YogaDawg – A Jailhouse Conversion

Wholey Moley
For Yoga Entertainment Today

In an apparent jailhouse conversion, Paris Hilton has been spotted doing Yoga in her cell while attempting to speak Sanskrit to the guards (the guards say it sounds more like chop suey).

This behavior can seemingly be traced to her visit to a Buddhist bookstore just before being incarcerated. As has been widely reported, Ms. Hilton had visited the Bodhi Tree Bookstore in Hollywood a week before going to prison. She had purchased several books, among which was the Yoga text book, "My Third Eye Itches – A Yogic Guide" by the elusive and controversial Sri Sri Swami Baba Guru YogaDawg.

What was not known at the time, but which Yoga Entertainment Today has uncovered, is that Britney Spears has been in contact with Paris just prior to her visit to the store. It appears that Britney had suggested that Paris get the book "My Third Eye Itches – A Yogic Guide". It was also suggested by Britney that Paris become a disciple of YogaDawg (see Britney Does YogaDawg - Further Revelations).

It is not known if Ms. Hilton is pursuing this behavior with the hopes of getting out of prison sooner for good behavior or if she has truly mended her ways by following this most enlightened teacher of Yoga.

Editors Note: Paris Hilton was released from prison after only three days of incarceration. There are reports that a large number of the general population of the prison have begun doing Yoga and petitioned the institution for classes in speaking Sanskrit. The non-profit YogaDawg Foundation has reported an upsurge in membership applications from California.

When the sheriff was asked why she was released from prison, he said, "When I looked into her cell, she was all twisted up like a pretzel and speaking this crazy ass shit that I couldn't understand a word of. I thought she was having a catatonic fit. We are not prepared to treat something like that here in the prison".

Editors Update: In fast breaking news, Paris Hilton was sent back to jail Friday a day after her early release under house arrest triggered outrage that one of Hollywood's own was getting special treatment.

Hilton, who had spent little more than 72 hours behind bars, cried and wailed "YogaDawg, YogaDawg, YogaDawg" as Superior Court Judge Michael Sauer ordered her back to prison to serve out her 45-day sentence for driving on a suspended license.

At the hearing, the judge expressed irritation at the sheriff's department, saying he had never heard of YogaDawg nor received promised documents that were supposed to explain why Hilton was released due to this jailhouse conversion.

"I never received those documents. And just who is this YogaDawg?" Sauer was quoted as saying by the Los Angeles Times. There are now reports that a large number of the general population of the prison have STOPPED doing Yoga and learning Sanskrit.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Yoga News - Clinton Proposes new Department of Yoga

Julie Spank
For Yoga Political Review

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire -- Democratic presidential hopefuls traded barbs over the war in Iraq, health care, taxes and even Yoga Sunday night in New Hampshire. The stunner of the evening came when Hillary Clinton announced her intention of establishing a new governmental department once elected President which would be named the Department of Omland Yoga.

John Edwards responded by saying that he would ban incense in Yoga studios due to health issues explaining that this would be the centerpiece of his health care reform package (Edwards apparently took a cue from Michael Bloomberg’s ban on incense in yoga studios in New York City). Dennis Kucinich, who is known by many as "The Peace Candidate" and who is a Yoga practitioner, chanted Om three times while he did one complete Sun Salutation. Meanwhile, some in the audience claim they heard Barack Obama exclaim under his breath, “What the fuck?”

This is not the first time that Hillary Clinton has stunned critics and opponents with her unorthodox method of calling attention to herself while going after a segment of the population for their vote. From her blatant attempt to woo the southern male voter by showing up at a speech wearing an outfit that showed “cleavage” to the calculated cackling she has been spewing to gain support from the “hysterical Right”, this appears to be a move to get the “Yoga moms” behind her in her bid for president. Though creating a department of Omland Yoga is not a new idea for the Democrats (See Establishment of Department of Yoga on Pelosi's Agenda), this is the first time it has showed up as a proposal by a major presidential candidate.

When Clinton was asked how she was going to reach out to the approximately 27 women left in American that don’t practice Yoga, Clinton replied, “I’m sure Bill will come up with something.”

On the Republicrat side of the issue, Lynn Chaney was reported as saying,” Dick, put down the damn shotgun and get me my Yoga mat.” Ann Coulter meanwhile, when asked her thoughts about the proposal from Hillary Clinton, replied, “That bitch is such a skank, though is Bill kind of hot!”

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Yoga News - Chi to Chai – Buddha Cries

Nothair Not-There
For Yoga Siddhi Today

A small Yoga studio in Seattle was shaken when during a Saturday morning Yoga class, a Yoga teacher her students at the studio discovered that a bronze Buddha statue looked as if it had been crying. The statue, bought from Pier 1 Imports and placed on a window sill of the Yoga studio, sheds drops of moisture from its eyes that puddles in a pool of liquid at the base of the statue.

"At first, I thought there was a hole in the roof and rain was dripping on the statue”, explained Jenny Satcrest, "but the more I looked, the more it appeared like the Buddha was truly crying. What’s really crazy about this is that it only happens during Yoga classes!" Confirmed by several Yoga students at the studio, the statue "cries" faster or slower depending on what postures the class is doing. "The harder the pose, the more it seems to weep and it stops completely when either we sit in silence or are in Corpse pose", explained Ms. Satcreat "I’ve experimented with that statue and can really get it weeping if I announce to the class that we are going to do partner poses or do some chanting. Then I notice that there is a torrent of tears coming from the statue. It’s almost as if the statue has taken on a personality of likes and dislikes of certain poses and wonder if it is channeling the chi of my students."

This story gets even stranger as to the explanation of what the tears are made of. Ms. Satcreat swears it is the sweetened green chai that’s sold in Starbucks. When asked how she came to conclude that the tears were composed of this, she said, "Well, after mopping up time after time, I finally had the nerve to dip my finger in the liquid, smell and taste it. It blew my mind what it turned out to be!" When asked how she could be so sure that it is green chai, Ms. Satcreat said she stops by the local Starbucks everyday for her green tea fix and said she can identify the taste anywhere.

Others aren’t so taken with the crying Buddha though. When a rival Yoga studio was asked about this, the owner replied, "Well, I won’t be impressed until that Buddha starts dispensing Frozen Orange Crème, Triple Shot Espresso, soy blended Frappuccinos with whipped cream on the top."

Meanwhile, Starbucks is losing no time with a new marketing campaign incorporating Buddha with the slogans, "Forget non-attachment. I want my Starbuck Chai!" and "What would Buddha drink?"

Yoga News - Yoga Declared 'Not Gay'

Tex of San Antonio
For The San Antonio Gazette

The Texas Association of Male Practitioners of Yoga declared a proclamation today that "Yoga is not gay". Earl of San Antonio, Texas (when asked his last name he replied, "We’re friendly down here in ol' San Antonio way, so just call me Earl") founded TAMPOY after, as he put it, "Was sick and tired of people telling me that Yoga was kinda gay".

Earl said he got the idea after being razzed once too often from his male bowling buddies. It was then that he decided to start TAMPOY. When asked how many members the association had, he said 12; ten of which prefer to stay anonymous.

Earl was asked if he expected membership to grow and he explained, "That’s been kind of hard because males in Texas have a tremendous difficulty admitting they do Yoga. I was hoping that President Bush would publicly say it was okay for males in Texas to do Yoga. That would have gone quite a way of getting this issue out in the open".

Earl added, "By the way, we in the TAMPOY organization don’t call ourselves Yogis rather we call ourselves Yoguys; yep, we’re just regular Yoguys".

We contacted John Martin of the Coalition for Gay Rights for comments regarding this story. His reply was, "Ooookkkaaayyyy…." and promptly hung up.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Yoga Shopping - The ThermoChakra Thermometer

This innovative device allows you to check out your Chakras to see what state they are in. Coupled with the handy Chakra Healing Guide, you will now be able to balance your own Chakras, saving your time and money paid to the local Yoga studio that you had to do in the past. The ThermoChakra Thermometer is available in either mouth, underarm or rectal versions.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Yoga News - Britney Does YogaDawg – Further Revelations

Holly Jolie
For Yoga Entertainment Today

With the news last month that Britney Spears shaved her head because of a satirical news article on a Yoga humor blog, "My Third Eye Itches" (see Britney Does YogaDawg), there were further revelations today that Britney actually applied to become a disciple of Guru Sri Sri Baba Swami YogaDawg.

When reached for comment regarding this development, HotDawg, the lovely wife of MadDawg (formally Born and Maiden America) acknowledged that Britney was in contact with the non-profit YogaDawg Foundation. It appears that Britney sent a handwritten letter to YogaDawg requesting several YogaDawg t-shirts and explaining how she qualified (see Qualifications for buying YogaDawg Gear) to purchase them. In a PostScript to the letter, Britney wrote that she wanted to become a disciple of YogaDawg (Editors Note: MadDawg and HotDawg are currently the only two disciples).

As MadDawg explained, "We were kind of blown away that not only did she want to buy some YogaDawg t-shirts, but that she wanted to become a YogaDawg disciple". "Yeah, like we had her name picked out and everything", HotDawg added. When asked what that name was, they said, "CrazyDawg! We thought the name was perfect for Britney".

In the meantime, this reporter contacted Tom Cruise by phone with these further revelations regarding Britney and his reply was at first a stunned silence. Then he started shouting, "I want a YogaDawg t-shirt!" which at the same time sounded like someone was jumping up and down on a bed on the other end of the line.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Yoga News - Patanjali Appears in Fast Food Restaurant

Betty HandleyFor EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

Yogis are flocking to a McDonalds in Gering, Nebraska where Patanjali is said to have appeared to people.

The apparition is taking place above the checkout counter of the restaurant. Yogis say that Pantanjili has been appearing to them on a regular basis over the past six months. Yogini, Rita Gomez, who is part of the ever growing group of Yogis that has encamped in the restaurant, said, "The vision usually begins when handed the McDonald bag that had a women doing the Tree pose on it. When they look up above the menu, they say Pantanjali appears and speaks to them."

After Patanjali spoke to one 14-year-old girl, she began and completed the entire Secondary Series (a series of poses done in the Ashtanga style of Yoga). Yogi, Emmanuel Duchamp, 38, said he saw Patanjali appear. When asked what he spoke about, Mr. Duchamp said “Super size that".

The Yogis have been doing asanas in the back of the restaurant during normal business hour. John Mattins, manager of the restaurant, when asked if this was a bit strange, he agreed it was odd but as long as they purchased something, he was okay with it. He added, "They are just a group of devoted Yogis who come here each day to do their thing. There has never been any other strange business going on that has ever given us cause for concern. We are keeping an open mind”.

It is reported that there have been no other sightings of Patanjali in any other McDonalds.

Patanjali apparition at a fast food restaurant in small Nebraska town.

The bag that has inspired Patanjali to appear at a fast food restaurant.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Yoga News - Om Trademarked

Intel Insider
For Yoga Law Review

The Yoga world stands stunned today as Stanley Zambowski of Pittsburgh, Pa has made a move to copyright and trademark the word OM.

Inspired by Bikram Choudhury's successful copyright of 26 poses of Yoga, Mr. Zambowski hired his cousin Walenty Zambowski, a lawyer, who set loose a flurry of cease-and-desist letters warning yoga studios around the world not to use the word OM, the symbol Om nor even chant OM. "This is a cold and quiet day for all Yoga studios", lamented Rod Entriteramen of the NirvanaPranaOneWorldYoga Studios. "We actually had a few students break down crying because we had removed the OM symbols from the walls of the studio and sat silently before and after class since we couldn't chant OM and didn't know what else to do".

In the meantime, a nonprofit organization of yoga scholars based in India, in response, has put an additional 1,000 historians and scientists to continue to work cataloging all known Sanskrit words to block Mr. Zambowski from cornering the market on any other Yoga related word.

When questioned by reporters if he could possibly think he would be able to copyright the word OM, Zambowski (in the manner of Bikram Choudhury ) grabs his crotch, lets out a loud belch and thrusts wildly while screaming, "I am a Polish Bull! Boom! Boom!" Mr. Zambowski refused further comment.

Editor's Note: Mr. Stanley Zambowski is the owner of the famous Stan's Polish Sausage Hut and the Hot Polish Sausage Yoga Studio; both popular hangouts for students from the University of Pittsburgh.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Yoga News - 10,000th Yoga Style Reached

John Franco
For Yoga Associations Journal

An exciting milestone in the Yoga world has been reached today with the 10,000th Yoga style registered through the Association of Yoga Styles and Schools (AYSS).

“We could hardly believe it when we received the application to register this latest Yoga style”, remarked Joan Sutherland from AYSS. “Who would have thought that so many styles of Yoga would appear? It seems only a couple of years ago that there were a few, such as Iyengar, Ashtanga, Anusara, Kundalini and a handful of others”, she noted.

AYSS, founded in 2004, was the brain child of Lou Stelutti, a New York Yogi and Jazz bassist. As Mr. Stelutti explained, “I noticed that with all the teacher training courses, there were not enough Yoga studios to hire them all. It was about this time that I suggested that these budding teachers establish their own schools of Yoga. It was with my sincere desire to help them in their Yoga journey that I established AYSS”.

When asked if these new teachers have benefited from registering at AYSS ($1,750 registration fee), Mt. Stelutti only smiled as he looked at his Rolex watch and exclaimed, “Whelp, I got to run. I'm late for my Yoga class”.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Yoga News - NYC Mayor to Yoga Studios: Lose the Incense

Betty Fontana
For New York Yoga Magazine

 Fresh from the victory of having tran fats banned from all restaurants in the city, Mayor Bloomberg has called for all New York City Yoga studios to stop the burning of incense. "We consider this a major health issue", he said. "We have made major strides in the health of our citizens by banning cigarettes from bars and restaurants and now tran fats used in cooking. Burning incense and second hand incense smoke is the obvious next step", he added. He will introduce legislation next week.

When the owners of major Yoga studios in New York City were contacted regarding this announcement, their comments ran along the lines of; "he's nuts", "cuckoo", "whack job" and "WTF???"

Mayor Bloomberg said that he has "no intention of outlawing incense all together. What people do in their own homes is their business", he said, "but once they exhibit that behavior in a public Yoga studio, we intend to put a stop to it".

When reporters asked if there was anything else he might ban, Bloomberg quipped, 'Oh and while we are on the subject of Yoga studios, we are starting to look at the health hazards equated with rented Yoga mats in studios. Besides being smelly and disgusting, they are jeopardizing the health of New York city Yogis.".

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Yoga News - OSHA Issues YogaTeacher Rating Guide

John Sixpack
For Yoga Industry News

WASHINGTON – In response to complaints from an ever growing legion of Yogis, new guidance from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) will help Yogis select and understand the appropriate Yoga teachers when taking a Yoga class. The document, Yoga Teacher Safety Rating Guide, was released today by the agency. "This guidance document will aid Yogis in the safe selection of a Yoga teacher." said Assistant Secretary of Labor for OSHA, Edwin G. Foulke, Jr.

Improper selection of Yoga teachers can result in pose failure, misalignment or slippage, which in turn can lead to injuries or death. OSHA accident data for the years 2005 through 2007 show that there were numerous injuries in Yoga studios involving Yoga instruction.

OSHA intends to format the final product for use on the Web. With the document in web format, a Yogi can quickly get information on the type of Yoga teacher he or she is practicing with without having to look through material that is provided on individual Yoga studio websites (which in most cases tends to be exaggerated and totally lacking in credibility).

“We hope that this new rating system will be adapted by studios and that Yoga students will inquire of individual teachers where they fall on this rating scale.” Mr. Foulke said. “In any event, we feel that this Yoga teacher rating scale should go a long way in guiding the student to the proper teacher and thus prevent injuries in the long run,” he added.

The New OSHA Yoga Teacher rating scale:

1. Initiate
2. Novice
3. Ascetic
4. Monk
5. Sadhu
6. Guru
7. Boddhisattva
8. Yoga Star

1. Initiate


- Can communicate with students and novice teachers about mundane Yoga subjects
- Can adjust students but only once per student per class
- Can hear Yoga gossip from far away
- Can spot and wear trendy Yoga clothes

2. Novice

- Can apply aromatic oils on the feet and forehead of students during Corpse pose
- Able to silence questions by renegade Yoga students by telling them "Everything is illusion”
- Can detect bad yoga attitudes in their students
- Has training in Yoga teacher BS
- Able to make a moderate income from Yoga teaching

3. Ascetic


- Can communicate with advanced (Monk and above) teachers
- Can detect Yoga posers in their classes
- No longer has a need for trendy yoga clothes
- Able to detect illusions. If questioned by a student, they can say “some illusions are more illusory than others”
- Can increase in wealth by teaching Yoga workshops.

4. Monk


- Can lead teacher training classes
- Able to be seated in lotus position for extended periods of time
- Can heal students of their Yoga illusions along with some ham-string injuries
- Will only eat vegetables (or meat from animals that have died of natural causes).
- Can wear elaborate saffron robes
- May be a wanderer or a resident at an ashram

5. Sadhu


- Has limited clairvoyance
- May teach classes while being naked
- Limited possessions: loin cloth, trident, alms bucket and occasionally, cigarettes and a cell phone.
- Able to teach in the marketplace or other public locations where they exhibit their Yoga skills to the general populace (and, consequently, act as recruiters for certain Yoga studios)
- Able to charm snakes, climb invisible ropes, lie on beds of nails, fire walk and survive burial
- Able to levitate themselves up to a height of 50 feet but are reluctant to do so in public

6. Guru


- Unlimited levitation of objects
- Able to have sex without karmic ramifications
- Wear white robes which ordinary students are forbidden to touch
- Has an entourage of lesser Yoga (Astetic and below) teachers to teach the class
- Fully clairvoyant
- Masters of illusion and misdirection
- Has the ability to summon gods and demons
- May wear an elaborately feathered hat made in Tibet

7. Bodhisattva


- Can charm supernatural beings and unruly students
- Can ride a magic carpet or magic yoga mat
- Can perscribe herbs to heal Yoga students
- Unlimited ability to do adjustments
- Has no need to shift illusions but rather can shift the expectations and attitudes of others
- Can acquire immense and unlimited wealth through opening a famous Yoga studio
- May wear virtually anything or nothing

8. Yoga Star


- Can walk on water
- Able to raise the dead
- Can change water into wine (and back to trendy bottled water)
- Will practice tantric sex with select Yoga hotties in class
= Able to walk through walls
- Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
- Can turn cheap Yoga clothing into chic versions by lending their name to them
- Manifest unlimited wealth and fame from Yoga classes, conference and ads in Yoga magazines
- Can part major bodies of water

OSHA's Publication "Yoga Teacher Safety Rating Guide"

Yoga News - UFOs Abduct Iyengar – New Yoga Tabloid Debuts

Dock Bay
For Yoga Crime Gazette

Excited shoppers are grabbing copies of the newest tabloid newspaper to hit supermarket checkout stands. What surprised most market analysts, is how successful this paper appears to be in the crowded tabloid market. When asked about the apparent success of the tabloid, the publisher and editor Guru YogaDawg explained, “Well, with only about 127 women left in the country not doing Yoga, how could this paper not be a success? Everyone has wanted an alternative to the stodgy magazine, Yoga Journal. Now that they have it and they can’t get enough of it!”

World Yoga News features articles from around the Yoga world and even outer space which no other media will touch or report on. In-depth Yoga reporting covers such stories as:

Autopsied Alien Discovered in Love Triangle with Rodney Yee and Colleen Saidman

Patabbhi Jois takes up Pilates

Seane Corn cuts her Hair

Elvis seen with Buddha at Los Vegas Nightclub

Shiva Rea Lost in Space during Dance Trance Workshop

Baron Baptiste removes his Bandana

Dalie Lama Quits. Becomes a Ski Bum in Aspen

National Enquirer has countered this threat to its tabloid empire by added an all new Yoga celebrity section.

Praise for World Yoga News

George Bush – At last a newspaper that doesn’t make me feel stupid and doesn’t trash any of my policies.

Dick Chaney – Shut up George and stop saying stupid shit!

Rodney Yee – Do you think that love triangle will hurt my video sales?

Colleen Saidman - Shut up Rodney and get into Childs pose.

Harry Potter – YogaDawg makes Yoga more fun then Quidditch.

JK Rowling – Shut up Harry. I knew I should have killed your ass off in the last book...

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Yoga News - Rodney Yee Introduces the Rodney Tofu Burger

John Applegate
For New Yoga Products Newsletter

Rodney Yee, Yoga video star, announced the introduction of his Rodney Burger at the One True Yoga Conference today. "After making my 754th Yoga video, it became clear that I have oversaturated the Yoga video market. Sales have been dropping so I needed a new revenue stream", he said. The Rodney Tofu Burger will have a likeness of Mr. Yee on each patty. "We are going to introduce Colleen's (Colleen Saidman, semi-famous Yoga star) face next, but we wanted to start with me because I'm more famous. We think we can sell more burgers this way", he explained.

Mr. Yee was asked how he came up with the idea of the Rodney Burger. "Well, actually it was Colleen's idea. While she was cooking me a tofu burger, she said, "Rodney, this is weird, but this tofu burger looks like your face". I looked and agreed. It was like a brain storm. We both looked at each other and said, the Rodney burger!"

Mr. Yee originally wanted to have the patties shaped in the form of Yoga asanas, but he thought that would cut further into his Yoga video empire. He was concerned that Yogis would start using the tofu burgers to learn Yoga instead of his videos.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Yoga News - Britney Does YogaDawg

Mary Hairey
For Yoga Entertainment Magazine

In a case of life imitating art, it was reveled today that the reason Britney Spears shaved her head was due to a story that was found on a Yoga humor blog. Leaked by a member of her therapy group in her current configuation of rehab, it was reveled that Britney was actively surfing the YogaDawg blog when she can across a satire piece regarding the American Yoga Star, Seane Corn (see Seane Cuts Her Hair – December 2006).

It appears that Britney's increasingly tenuous grip on reality made her believe that the news article was real and decided to emulate Ms. Corn (who shaved her head in the article). Leading Psychologist, Dr. Free Freeman, commented, WWe see this blurring of the lines between madness and sanity in many famous American movie stars, sport stars and Yoga stars". Ms. Lu Chu, Britney's publicist commented, "I know she had been surfing that site for many hours on end, but I didn’t realize she was taking it all so serious. She was mumbling something about becoming a Yogi, but I didn’t think much of it. You know how Britney is".

Seane Corn had no comments when contacted about this story but Tom Cruise asked, "So how come YogaDawg won’t let me buy one of his t-shirts (see Qualifications for purchasing YogaDawg Gear)? Britney's more nuts then me. What do I have to do? Shave MY head?"

It has been rumored that Britney has been wearing a YogaDawg t-shirt around in rehab since arriving there.

Britney and Seane - Before and After

Friday, March 30, 2007

Yoga News - Tree Pose Seen on Tree - Others see Cross behind

Tereese Treese
For EternalBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

Behind a non-descript building in suburban Minneapolis, several Yoga participants are seeing an eerie likeness of a Yogi doing the tree pose on the peeling bark of a 50-foot pine tree. Though there is some dispute who the likeness is of, there is no disputing that the image is that of a person doing a Yoga pose. The image is fueling speculation and wonder in the insular world of Yoga practitioners. There is a belief that somehow a great Yoga spirit is looking down and protecting this area of Minnesota.

John Schuster, who has spent more than 30 years at the helm of the Okie-Dokie Yoga studio, first spotted the likeness when he decided to do some yoga poses in the outdoors. “I decided I wanted to do a tree pose out by that tree and was flipped out when I focused my dristi (a Yoga focal point) on the bark of the tree when I suddenly noticed a figure doing the tree pose on the tree.” He added, “It was kind of spooky to be doing a tree, while seeing a tree on a tree”.

Though Mr. Schuster claims the figure on the tree looks like BKS Iyengar (a famous Yoga Star), others aren’t so sure. Brenda Stephens, a 27-year-old “Yoga assistant” at the studio thinks it looks like Shiva Rae (another Yoga Star), while Jenni-Ji, a student swears it looks like Rodney Yee (another Yoga Star). Even non-yogi Hari Houdini claims to see the figure, but he said it looks more like Ronald McDonald.

The tree is guarded by a barricade with a single candle, Om symbols and copy of two famous Yoga tomes, “My Third Eye Itches” and “Right On Yoga”. They have been placed by well-wishers who practice nearby. Mr. Schuster commented, “I guess when it starts talking, then we will really be freaked out."

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Yoga News - Special Sale for Yoga Teachers: 50% off on BS Training

Antonio Valveldi
For The Yoga Education Newsletter

For any new Yoga teacher (or those wanting to advance their teaching skills), it is important that you master one of the most crucial aspects of Yoga which is not usually covered in conventional teacher training courses; the Art of Yoga BS. Critical to your success as a Yoga teacher in today’s competitive and crowded Yoga scene, it is important that you master this principal skill so that you will become a successful and prosperous Yoga teacher.

Offered through the YogaDawg College of Yoga, this training offers a solid grounding in Yoga BS. YogaDawg’s BS for Yoga Teachers will teach you how to BS in any Yoga class with no knowledge of the subject or the need to study ancient Yoga texts.

Starting with simple Yoga words and phrases such as om, transcendence, radiant, consciousness, soul, omniscience, joy, One Spirit, divine light, psychical inversion of the Spiritual, Spiritual Eye of the Seer, Lululemon Athletica, black Manduka Yoga mat or even Yoga Industrial Complex, you will soon begin to weave them into complex, compelling and seemingly profound gibber. By the end of the course you find yourself able to say things like:

“Faith must be supplemented by Yoga; while Yoga must be led as well as studied before the full meaning can be understood. The awakening of Spiritual Consciousness can only be understood, in measure, as it is entered into Yoga.”


“The recognition of the three worlds while resting in Child’s pose leads us to realize ourselves; and all life; as of the Soul of Yoga. As we dwell, not in past, present or future, but in the Eternal, we become more at one with Yoga."


“Doing Yoga poses, the total of the phenomena, possess as their property; Manifestation, Action, Inertia; the qualities of force and matter in combination. These, in their grosser form, make Yoga cool and trendy.”

or even

“The whole outer world exists for the purposes of Yoga and finds in this, its true reason for being a Yogi. Shopping at the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore encompasses the grades or layers of the Three Potencies of Yoga. Yoga stuff then becomes Defined, Un-Defined or On Sale. So always look for that with distinctive marks known as logos; finding these on sale are even better”.

Never again be thrown or rendered speechless when one of your students has the audacity to ask something like, “What exactly did Pantanjli mean in Chapter 1, Sutra 2 of the Yoga Sutras when he wrote, "Yogas citta vrtti norodhah"? Be assured that you will now be able to answer such questions with confidence and cunning wisdom.

By enrolling in the YogaDawg BS for Yoga Teachers, you will be offered bold techniques such as the patented NTNF (Not true, not false) Technique. This technique will perfect you in the practice of asserting whatever the student knows to be true, is false (or false, is true). With the contention that the ancient Yogis didn’t know as much as the current American Yoga Stars (and backed by the authoritative Yoga resource, Yoga Journal), you will have those neurotic students who ask such questions, believing that you are the source of a new trendy Yoga philosophical approach.

So, enroll today at YogaDawg’s College of Yoga (classrooms in most major Yoga studios world wide) and save 50% during this one-day sale.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Yoga News - Yoga Studios Surpass Starbuck Outlets

Star Shanka
For The Times of Yoga

In an amazing testimony to the popularity of Yoga in the last few years, the Clearinghouse for Yoga Business (CYB) has confirmed that there are now more Yoga studios then Starbuck outlets.

What started as a whim by some hippies standing on their heads as they tried to follow the Yoga teaching of the great Masters of India, has now turned into an American craze that has surprised even the most vocal of Yoga advocates. "I knew Yoga was popular, but I had no idea just how so!" remarked Sundas Kuwasana of the US Yoga Advocacy. "Even we were caught off-guard by this report", he added.

Jim Donald, Starbucks president and chief executive officer, confirmed the findings of CYB but appeared undaunted as he joked to this reporter, "Yes, we were asleep at the switch. Too much decaf I suppose.", Mr. Donald commented. He added, though on a more serious note, "We are currently in talks with the NivanaPranaWorldYoga SuperStudios to place Starbuck cafes in all 2,369 of their studios. This should keep us ahead of the Yoga trend".

Sources close to Starbucks confirmed that the slogan for this new strategic partnership will be "Kick your relaxation to the next level".

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Yoga News - New Environmental Concern: Yoga Mats

Fred Germani
For The Yoga Mat Association News

An estimated 240 million Yoga mats are discarded each year, adding to the estimated two to three billion now littering the landscape. Yoga mats are ideal breeding grounds for rats and mosquitoes and are fire hazards (burning, they release toxic chemicals into the air and produce an oil-like residue that can contaminate groundwater).

Environmental Concerns. The Yoga mat industry's environmental efforts have focused primarily on the reuse, recycling, and safe disposal of scrap mats. Reuse programs include retreading as well as newer anti-erosion programs. Recycled mats can also been used in asphalt-based road coverings, shoes, household items, and even new mats. But in spite of all these programs, hundreds of millions of mat discards went to landfills since the beginning of the Yoga boom in the early 2000.

Ms. Sally Hartgield, Press Secretary for the Yoga Mat Association, summed it up this way, "What a mess"!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Yoga News - Tom Does YogaDawg

Jonnie Rocket
For Yoga Celebrity Today

In what appears as a celebrity world going mad (or at least bald), Tom Cruise is the latest star to shave his head (see Britney Does YogaDawg). Appearing on the NBC's Today Show, Cruise explained why he shaved his head to Matt Lauer.

“I couldn’t understand why Britney was able to buy a YogaDawg t-shirt and yet I’m not able to. It occurred to me that this might be a Cosmic test for me and concluded that I had to shave my head”, Mr. Cruise explained. Matt Lauer said that the t-shirt he was wearing looks like a cheap knock-off and not a real YogaDawg t-shirt. Flummoxed, Cruise replied, “Of course, it real, do you know how much money I had to send the Dawg to get this. And just trying to understand those people at YogaDawg Productions in Nigeria was a nightmare. All I can say is, just thinking about this make me way to start jumping up and down”. Mr. Lauer was quick to reply, “Please don’t…”

Mr. Cruise was asked if shaving his head might hurt his chances of landing future movie deals. He replied, “No! As a matter of fact, I am in talks with the producer of the “The One True Yoga” (see The One True Yoga) to play in the sequel The One True Yoga II as the Court Jester”.

When the non-profit YogaDawg Foundation was contacted for this story, they at first were quite stunned that Tom Cruise had somehow gotten a hold of a YogaDawg t-shirt (see Qualifications for Purchasing YogaDawg Gear). MadDawg, the handsome husband of HotDawg (formally Born and Maiden America, the two disciples of YogaDawg) declared that the shirt Tom was wearing was in fact, fake. “We had NBC send us close-up of the shirt and saw that it is clearly a fake. We feel bad for Tom, but we still won’t sell him a t-shirt”, MadDawg said. HotDawg added, “But you know, he is kind of cute, especially with all that jumping up and down he does. He kind of looks like he’s doing Ashtanga Yoga sometimes. I think he can become a great Yogi if he ever decides to become a disciple of YogaDawg”!

Tom Cruise (wearing a YogaDawg t-shirt) explaning why he shaved his head to Matt Lauer with close up of the t-shirt in question. Notice the crude lettering, the smiley face on the Dawg and the incorrect website on the shirt in this close up

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Mafia Runs Chicago Yoga Market

Dick Tracy
For Yoga Crime Gazette

Federal prosecutors filed a lawsuit yesterday seeking to seize control of several Yoga studios in Chicago, declaring that they are dominated by the Mafia. Expanding the use of Federal racketeering laws, the civil suit asked a Federal court to appoint supervisors to oversee the operations of the busy yoga studios and its main union, The United Yoga Workers Local 459 of the A.F.Y.L (American Federation of Yoga Laborers).

The prosecutors, asserting that yoga class prices were being driven up by racketeering, the suit described both the studios and the union as "captive" organizations of the Om Capone yoga crime family. "The Government has filed a racketeering suit to put the Yoga studios under court supervision", said Patrick J. Fitzgerald, the United States Attorney in Chicago.

At a news conference to announce the suit, Mayor Daly said he had initiated the investigation three years ago when a friend who operates a yoga studio told him of being required to make payoffs to “shady characters wearing high-end Yoga clothing and gold Om necklaces”. Much of this activity has been centered around three studios in particular; the Stugots Yoga Studio, the Gabagool Shala and Goomba Om Yoga Studio.

Asked how it came to be that the mafia targeted yoga, the mayor replied, “Yoga is a multi-billion dollar industry. Seeing a drying up of gambling "revenue" due to the new family friendly atmosphere of Chicago as well the lose of drug ‘revenues” from the gentrification of major parts of Chicago, the Om Capones decided to target the lucrative yoga market”. The mayor clarified, "It's like when Jessie James was asked why he robbed banks and his reply was,'that’s where the money is', well so it appears with yoga”.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Eighth Chakra Found

Jai Ray
For Journal of Yoga Sciences

The Yoga world is buzzing today with an announcement from the Yoga Research and Development Organization (YRDO), a wing of the Ministry of Yoga under the Government of India, to officially declare and recognize the discovery of the Eighth Chakra. This discovery has propelled India's Yoga research once again to the forefront of the Yoga world. "We realize that we have been losing ground in Yoga to the United States in the last few years, but this should prove that all those American Yoga Stars are nothing but light-weights by comparison to what we are doing here in India, quipped Pasad Gurose, Director of YRDO.

Intense research work, done day and night for nearly 9 years by the senior scientist, Dr. M.A. Padma Rao, at the Yoga Laboratory in Jodhpur led to this Chakra discovery.

Long believed that there were only seven Chakras or virtual bodies as they are known in the Yoga world, reporters asked Dr. Rao how the new Chakra had been missed for so long. "Well, it's like astrophysics, we have developed tools to allow us to see deeper in the metaphysical body." When asked where this new Chakra was located Dr. Rao pointed to his foot and said, "The sole of the foot. It was literally under our feet this whole time."

The new Chakra has been named Pluto in honor of the ex-planet Pluto. "We feel that this is an appropriate name since even though we lost the planet Pluto, we have gained the Chakra Pluto," Dr. Rao added.

The Newly discovered chakra; Pluto

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Yoga News - Yoga's All-Time Record Profit Gouges US Yogis, Group Says; US Yoga Profits Up 39 Percent

Free Me
For Radical Yoga Review

SANTA MONICA, California - NirvanaPranaOneWorldYoga SuperStudio capped an orgy of Yoga studios quarterly record profits Friday with an 18 percent boost over last year to $1.4 billion, its highest one-quarter profit ever. What should really fuel the ire of U.S. Yogis, however, is its 39 percent increase in teacher training and Yoga conference profits, which come most directly out of the pockets of Yogis struggling to pay for $18.00-and-up Yoga classes nationwide, said the nonprofit, nonpartisan Yogis for Yoga Class Price Reform (YYCPR).

NirvanaPranaOneWorldYoga SuperStudio is also, to the tune of nearly $1 million so far, the lead funder of opposition to Proposition 108, the Fair Yoga Class Price Initiative on California’s November ballot. The measure would fund research and commercial development of alternative Yoga venues and diminish dependence on overpriced Yoga studios. It would be paid for by a levy on sales of Yoga props, videos and other Yoga paraphernalia sold by Yoga studios. Yoga studios are prohibited from passing the levy on to Yogis under the initiative.

"The successive record profits of the Yoga studios show that only outright greed drives their campaign against Prop 108," said Jeanie-ji, spokesperson for YYCPR. "The major Yoga studios want no interference in their ability to pick the pockets of Yogis, and no threats to their control of class prices.” “We find it odd”, she added, “that with new Yoga studios opening every day, prices should be driven down due to increased competition. Instead, there is almost collusion between them to keep them high.”

A recent poll by the organization, Yoga Alliance of Real California Yoga Stars, found that as the pain of continued high Yoga prices gnaws at Yogis, support for alternative Yoga venues and Proposition 108 in particular rises. A clear majority, 72 percent of those questioned, supported Prop 108 when its description was read to them. "The Yoga lobby has killed or stalled all attempts to rein in Yoga studios profiteering in the U.S", said Jeanie-ji.

When asked if there were other issues of concern beside high Yoga class prices, Jeanie-ji replied, “Yes, class sizes and crappy Yoga music. Not only are these studios charging outrageous prices for classes, but to add insult to injury, they cram as many students as they can into each class. We will be working on standards that will require all Yoga mats to be at least two feet away from each other in all directions”.

When asked about the issue of bad Yoga music played in the studio, Jeanie-ji replied, “This is one of the sleeper issues that many Yogis have been gripping about, like forever. It’s bad enough when they play that mind numbing stuff from famous Yoga kirtan stars, but when they start in with the temple bells and gong crap, we need to put our foot down”.

To incite change on a grass root level, YYCPR suggests that all Yogis take action in the fight against overpriced Yoga classes by filling out and sending the following form letter to any Yoga studio and their studio owners that they feel are guilty of the issues described above.

--------------Fill in the blanks then cut and paste into an email----------------

[Today's Date]

[Owner of Studio]
[Studio Address]

Dear [Owner of Studio]:

I am writing to let you know that your studio:

[check all that are appropriate]

( ) Is charging too much for Yoga classes
( ) Is too crowded
( ) Has crappy Yoga music

Until these conditions are corrected, I want to notify you that I will avoid practicing in your studio. I will either be:

a) Practicing at another studio where these conditions do not exist.
b) Practicing at home.

I encourage you to correct these conditions as soon as possible so we can continue to have a healthy Yogic relationship with your studio.

Please feel free to contact me once these conditions are corrected.

(Yoga studio guidelines can be found on the nonprofit, nonpartisan, Yogis for Yoga Class Price Reform (YYCPR) website)


[Your name]
[Your address]
[Optional: Your phone number and/or e-mail address]