Monday, August 20, 2012

When the Kombucha goes bad...

The Emos ® School of Yoga

The Emos run the love child school of yoga. All is well here. I'm okay; you're okay. The world is a box of chocolates, and you can expect a Valentines Day card with each visit. There will be merry, uplifting yoga music along with chanting, laughing, and joyful chatter among teachers and students. You will learn to open your heart, spiral into your Inner Being, and leave the class feeling blissfully in love with the Universe. Hugging the receptionist, teacher, and fellow students are encouraged -- before, during, and after class.

Everyone is happy here, except for the lonely man, who is here because of the Emo ® online dating service. The Emo ® online dating service, is run by the school. You will get a 10% discount on yoga classes if you sign up for a one-year membership to its online dating service.

In addition to the online dating service, the Emo ® school has a great online store. Here you will find The Heart ® meditation mat, The Heart ® collection of Yoga towels, The Heart ® yoga tote bag, The Heart ® eye bag and the Heart ® nonslip yoga mat kissed with a scent of pomegranate (known as the love fruit). All these items come in cardiac red with a heart motif on each. You can also order The Heart ® key chain, The Heart ® Buddha, and The Heart ® Heart. These also come in cardiac red with a heart motif on them.

You will find many books published through this school from the Heart ® Press. A sampling of titles are: Unlock your Heart, The Open Heart, The Friendly Heart, Getting more out of your Heart, Pimping your Heart, A Path to the Heart, The Clogged Heart, Avoiding Heart Breaks, Don't leave your Heart in San Francisco, and No more Heartburn.

The studios of the Emo ® school have walls that are painted red with a heart motif on them. The lighting will be red and even though the appearance may look a bit like a Texas whorehouse, don't get confused by where you are. Simply look for the red heart-shaped Buddhas and the shimmering neon hearts pulsing on the ceiling.

All poses in the Emo ® school are done with partners. You will be able to choose your own or will be assigned one by the teacher if you are shy. The poses have names like the Side Angle Hug ®, Connected Dogs ®, Kissing Cobras ® and Mating Warriors ®. Expect to clap, cheer, and hug your fellow Yoga student and the teacher after every pose.

TIP: Men, sit by any pretty babes upon entering the studio so you will be partnered up with them when the class begins.

BONUS TIP: Avoid this school if you have any aversions to touching people or if you are prone to psychotic episodes from other people touching you.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

The Ultimate Yoga Studio

The ultimate in services await you at the YogaDawg Yoga Studios.

Water divining


Aura balancing


Tarot reading


Sanskrit translation services


Crop circle interpretation


Alien abductees counseling


Ear candling


Renal/rectal philology



Colonic cleansing


Craniosacral therapy


Reading Tea Leaves


Vedic Astrology




Snake handling

Oh, and yoga, but never pranayama, Sanskrit or that pesky meditation stuff