Monday, April 30, 2007

Yoga News - NYC Mayor to Yoga Studios: Lose the Incense

Betty Fontana
For New York Yoga Magazine

 Fresh from the victory of having tran fats banned from all restaurants in the city, Mayor Bloomberg has called for all New York City Yoga studios to stop the burning of incense. "We consider this a major health issue", he said. "We have made major strides in the health of our citizens by banning cigarettes from bars and restaurants and now tran fats used in cooking. Burning incense and second hand incense smoke is the obvious next step", he added. He will introduce legislation next week.

When the owners of major Yoga studios in New York City were contacted regarding this announcement, their comments ran along the lines of; "he's nuts", "cuckoo", "whack job" and "WTF???"

Mayor Bloomberg said that he has "no intention of outlawing incense all together. What people do in their own homes is their business", he said, "but once they exhibit that behavior in a public Yoga studio, we intend to put a stop to it".

When reporters asked if there was anything else he might ban, Bloomberg quipped, 'Oh and while we are on the subject of Yoga studios, we are starting to look at the health hazards equated with rented Yoga mats in studios. Besides being smelly and disgusting, they are jeopardizing the health of New York city Yogis.".

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Yoga News - OSHA Issues YogaTeacher Rating Guide

John Sixpack
For Yoga Industry News

WASHINGTON – In response to complaints from an ever growing legion of Yogis, new guidance from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) will help Yogis select and understand the appropriate Yoga teachers when taking a Yoga class. The document, Yoga Teacher Safety Rating Guide, was released today by the agency. "This guidance document will aid Yogis in the safe selection of a Yoga teacher." said Assistant Secretary of Labor for OSHA, Edwin G. Foulke, Jr.

Improper selection of Yoga teachers can result in pose failure, misalignment or slippage, which in turn can lead to injuries or death. OSHA accident data for the years 2005 through 2007 show that there were numerous injuries in Yoga studios involving Yoga instruction.

OSHA intends to format the final product for use on the Web. With the document in web format, a Yogi can quickly get information on the type of Yoga teacher he or she is practicing with without having to look through material that is provided on individual Yoga studio websites (which in most cases tends to be exaggerated and totally lacking in credibility).

“We hope that this new rating system will be adapted by studios and that Yoga students will inquire of individual teachers where they fall on this rating scale.” Mr. Foulke said. “In any event, we feel that this Yoga teacher rating scale should go a long way in guiding the student to the proper teacher and thus prevent injuries in the long run,” he added.

The New OSHA Yoga Teacher rating scale:

1. Initiate
2. Novice
3. Ascetic
4. Monk
5. Sadhu
6. Guru
7. Boddhisattva
8. Yoga Star

1. Initiate


- Can communicate with students and novice teachers about mundane Yoga subjects
- Can adjust students but only once per student per class
- Can hear Yoga gossip from far away
- Can spot and wear trendy Yoga clothes

2. Novice

- Can apply aromatic oils on the feet and forehead of students during Corpse pose
- Able to silence questions by renegade Yoga students by telling them "Everything is illusion”
- Can detect bad yoga attitudes in their students
- Has training in Yoga teacher BS
- Able to make a moderate income from Yoga teaching

3. Ascetic


- Can communicate with advanced (Monk and above) teachers
- Can detect Yoga posers in their classes
- No longer has a need for trendy yoga clothes
- Able to detect illusions. If questioned by a student, they can say “some illusions are more illusory than others”
- Can increase in wealth by teaching Yoga workshops.

4. Monk


- Can lead teacher training classes
- Able to be seated in lotus position for extended periods of time
- Can heal students of their Yoga illusions along with some ham-string injuries
- Will only eat vegetables (or meat from animals that have died of natural causes).
- Can wear elaborate saffron robes
- May be a wanderer or a resident at an ashram

5. Sadhu


- Has limited clairvoyance
- May teach classes while being naked
- Limited possessions: loin cloth, trident, alms bucket and occasionally, cigarettes and a cell phone.
- Able to teach in the marketplace or other public locations where they exhibit their Yoga skills to the general populace (and, consequently, act as recruiters for certain Yoga studios)
- Able to charm snakes, climb invisible ropes, lie on beds of nails, fire walk and survive burial
- Able to levitate themselves up to a height of 50 feet but are reluctant to do so in public

6. Guru


- Unlimited levitation of objects
- Able to have sex without karmic ramifications
- Wear white robes which ordinary students are forbidden to touch
- Has an entourage of lesser Yoga (Astetic and below) teachers to teach the class
- Fully clairvoyant
- Masters of illusion and misdirection
- Has the ability to summon gods and demons
- May wear an elaborately feathered hat made in Tibet

7. Bodhisattva


- Can charm supernatural beings and unruly students
- Can ride a magic carpet or magic yoga mat
- Can perscribe herbs to heal Yoga students
- Unlimited ability to do adjustments
- Has no need to shift illusions but rather can shift the expectations and attitudes of others
- Can acquire immense and unlimited wealth through opening a famous Yoga studio
- May wear virtually anything or nothing

8. Yoga Star


- Can walk on water
- Able to raise the dead
- Can change water into wine (and back to trendy bottled water)
- Will practice tantric sex with select Yoga hotties in class
= Able to walk through walls
- Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
- Can turn cheap Yoga clothing into chic versions by lending their name to them
- Manifest unlimited wealth and fame from Yoga classes, conference and ads in Yoga magazines
- Can part major bodies of water

OSHA's Publication "Yoga Teacher Safety Rating Guide"

Yoga News - UFOs Abduct Iyengar – New Yoga Tabloid Debuts

Dock Bay
For Yoga Crime Gazette

Excited shoppers are grabbing copies of the newest tabloid newspaper to hit supermarket checkout stands. What surprised most market analysts, is how successful this paper appears to be in the crowded tabloid market. When asked about the apparent success of the tabloid, the publisher and editor Guru YogaDawg explained, “Well, with only about 127 women left in the country not doing Yoga, how could this paper not be a success? Everyone has wanted an alternative to the stodgy magazine, Yoga Journal. Now that they have it and they can’t get enough of it!”

World Yoga News features articles from around the Yoga world and even outer space which no other media will touch or report on. In-depth Yoga reporting covers such stories as:

Autopsied Alien Discovered in Love Triangle with Rodney Yee and Colleen Saidman

Patabbhi Jois takes up Pilates

Seane Corn cuts her Hair

Elvis seen with Buddha at Los Vegas Nightclub

Shiva Rea Lost in Space during Dance Trance Workshop

Baron Baptiste removes his Bandana

Dalie Lama Quits. Becomes a Ski Bum in Aspen

National Enquirer has countered this threat to its tabloid empire by added an all new Yoga celebrity section.

Praise for World Yoga News

George Bush – At last a newspaper that doesn’t make me feel stupid and doesn’t trash any of my policies.

Dick Chaney – Shut up George and stop saying stupid shit!

Rodney Yee – Do you think that love triangle will hurt my video sales?

Colleen Saidman - Shut up Rodney and get into Childs pose.

Harry Potter – YogaDawg makes Yoga more fun then Quidditch.

JK Rowling – Shut up Harry. I knew I should have killed your ass off in the last book...

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Yoga News - Rodney Yee Introduces the Rodney Tofu Burger

John Applegate
For New Yoga Products Newsletter

Rodney Yee, Yoga video star, announced the introduction of his Rodney Burger at the One True Yoga Conference today. "After making my 754th Yoga video, it became clear that I have oversaturated the Yoga video market. Sales have been dropping so I needed a new revenue stream", he said. The Rodney Tofu Burger will have a likeness of Mr. Yee on each patty. "We are going to introduce Colleen's (Colleen Saidman, semi-famous Yoga star) face next, but we wanted to start with me because I'm more famous. We think we can sell more burgers this way", he explained.

Mr. Yee was asked how he came up with the idea of the Rodney Burger. "Well, actually it was Colleen's idea. While she was cooking me a tofu burger, she said, "Rodney, this is weird, but this tofu burger looks like your face". I looked and agreed. It was like a brain storm. We both looked at each other and said, the Rodney burger!"

Mr. Yee originally wanted to have the patties shaped in the form of Yoga asanas, but he thought that would cut further into his Yoga video empire. He was concerned that Yogis would start using the tofu burgers to learn Yoga instead of his videos.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Yoga News - Britney Does YogaDawg

Mary Hairey
For Yoga Entertainment Magazine

In a case of life imitating art, it was reveled today that the reason Britney Spears shaved her head was due to a story that was found on a Yoga humor blog. Leaked by a member of her therapy group in her current configuation of rehab, it was reveled that Britney was actively surfing the YogaDawg blog when she can across a satire piece regarding the American Yoga Star, Seane Corn (see Seane Cuts Her Hair – December 2006).

It appears that Britney's increasingly tenuous grip on reality made her believe that the news article was real and decided to emulate Ms. Corn (who shaved her head in the article). Leading Psychologist, Dr. Free Freeman, commented, WWe see this blurring of the lines between madness and sanity in many famous American movie stars, sport stars and Yoga stars". Ms. Lu Chu, Britney's publicist commented, "I know she had been surfing that site for many hours on end, but I didn’t realize she was taking it all so serious. She was mumbling something about becoming a Yogi, but I didn’t think much of it. You know how Britney is".

Seane Corn had no comments when contacted about this story but Tom Cruise asked, "So how come YogaDawg won’t let me buy one of his t-shirts (see Qualifications for purchasing YogaDawg Gear)? Britney's more nuts then me. What do I have to do? Shave MY head?"

It has been rumored that Britney has been wearing a YogaDawg t-shirt around in rehab since arriving there.

Britney and Seane - Before and After