Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Yogic Evolution of a Yogini

Subject before taking up the practice of yoga

Life is good, but boring.

Discovers yoga on a Saturday morning yoga TV show on cable.

Thinks this is worth looking into further.

Buys a yoga DVD by a hot new yoga star.

Takes a yoga class at a local yoga studio.

Buys a pair of yoga pants from Target.

Attends a yoga workshop by a hot new yoga star at a local yoga studio.

Discovers yoga blogs and begin to leaves comments on them.

Discovers goji berries.

Attends a yoga conference in another city that hosts workshops by several hot new yoga stars.

Buys a pair of $100 Lululemons yoga pants (and several tops).

Attends a yoga festival in another city that hosts workshops by several hot new yoga stars and entertainment by hot new kirtan bands.

Discovers kombucha.

Buys a Black Manduka.

Start own yoga blog named, The Self-Centered Yogini.

Begins a yoga teacher training course in a trendy new yoga studio across town.

Goes vegan.

Completes yoga teacher training course.

Buys a harmonium.

After spending $9,000 on yoga teacher training, looks for a yoga job, but can only find non-paying teaching gigs, euphemistically called community classes, in third tier yoga studios.

Gets first yoga tattoo; an OM symbol.

Continues to teach non-paying teaching gigs in third tier yoga studios and sometimes in the local park.

Gets first Buddhist tattoo; a wheel of dharma.

Continues to teach non-paying teaching gigs in third tier yoga studios, in the local park and local community senior citizen centers.

Gets first Taoist tattoo; a Yin Yang symbol

Fuck it… gets full body spiritual tattoo that depicts the complete Bhagavad Gita.

Loses job because the boss thinks all those tats are too freakish for customers.

Continues to teach non-paying teaching gigs in third tier yoga studios, the local park, community senior citizens center, and the local prison.

Learns about a hot new yoga guru living in an ashram in India who teaches the One True Yoga.

Sells all possessions to travel to India to study with the hot new yoga guru.

Discovers that the hot new yoga Guru, who goes by the name Vivakanandashidisivamuktiparama-ji, is really a person named Barry from Boulder.

Begins having sex with Guru Barry and becomes his main, ahum…, disciple.

Is given the name Mamakanandatripleshivashakti-ji by Guru Barry but goes by the name of Jenni-ji because no one can pronounce that name anyway.

Gets first red forehead dot.

Gets nose rings.

Gets so many bangles that makes a holy sound in the key of Om that everyone in the ashram calls her, “The One Women American Kirtan Band”.

Wears saris and get henna tats on face and any remaining un-tattooed area of body.

Scores ganja from the local sadhus.

Grows hair into dreadlocks.

No longer wears clothes but smears body with cow dung and the ashes of the dead.

Guru Barry chooses a hot new yogini that just arrived in ashram to be his new main disciple.

Guru Barry sends Jenni-ji to LA to start a store-front branch of the One True Yoga.

Works for free teaching the One True Yoga, passing out leaflets on the street and cleaning the toilet.

Develops full-blown yogachosis and yogarexia.

Reduced to living in a back of the store-front of the One True Yoga under a cardboard squat when found by parents.

Locked in a room by them to get deprogrammed while having tattoos surgically removed.

Begins to use birth name, Betty Sue.

Renames blog, The Self-Deluded Yogini, and attempt to write satirical exposes of the yoga scene but only ends up sounding bitter, cynical and sarcastic.

Finally free of yoga forever after months of deprogramming, shuts down blog, gives away the Lulus, Black Manduka and devotes new found time learning ping pong.

Gets a job in a hot new ad agency.

Makes lots of money.

Become bored.

One Saturday, discovers Pilates on a TV show on cable.

Thinks this is worth looking into further.

Buys a Pilates DVD by a hot new Pilates star………

Subject after taking up the practice of yoga

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

More Yoga Diseases and Dangers Reported

Since the release of the Centers for Yoga Disease Control (CYDC) list of yoga diseases a few weeks ago, several new diseases have been reported by other independent yoga researchers.

Paranoid Yogic Disorder - From Dr. Lo

Persistent Happiness "Joyitis"

Repeated Chanting "Mantraitis"

Unusual Flexibility "Gumbyitis"

Sustained Youth "Nowrinkleitis"
From Ramdesh Kaur

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Bad Karma - There is something evil lurking in that yoga studio...

Deviant Guru, Evil Yoga Studios, Russian Gangsters and Murder

You can read an excerpt from Bad Karma here

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Yankee Yoga

Sure, why not...after a few bottles of Kombucha, everything is yoga...

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Doga Magazine Slammed As Insensitive

Note: The sampling of emails, tweets and blog comments below are in response to the yoga talent search sponsored by Doga Magazine. Non-dog loving yogis have spoken out in their disgust of the dog-exclusive contest which they view as species-insensitive, anti-dog intolerant and blatantly prejudicial to all other life forms practicing yoga. These emails, tweets and blog comments were obtained from an unknown source that is working in deep cover at Doga Magazine and believed to be an operative of another yoga magazine, Yoga Journal, which was also recently chided for its talent contest which many viewed as simply a popularity contest.

"I found you contest quite offensive. Only allowing dogs to enter is totally unyogic."

"Your restriction of only allowing dogs to enter this contest caused my lama such distress that he shat on the carpet and insists that he is now an alpaca. Thanks creepos."

"What? None of my 17 cats are good enough for your contest? Bite me!!!"

"I suggest all non-dog yoga pet lovers send in a photo showing only their pet’s ass. Send a message for species diversity!"

"Yoga is not just for bitches, bitches."

"Your contest is for the birds (so to speak)!"

"My elephant can out bakasana any of your dogs any day. Where is the diversity of pet type in your magazine? Always skinny dogs. Enough already!!"

"Yoga is not just down dogs and up dogs you stupid mutts."

"Even though your contest implies that only dog can enter, I thought you would accept the attached jpg of my favorite begonia. I think it is doing yoga because it looks so calm."

"Hi, I’m 7 years old and I have some mold growing under my bed. Can I enter them in your contest? My mom told me to ask."

"Can peeps enter…oh my god, No, No No…don’t eat me…wait, wait, okay, forgetaboutit….fuuuccccckkkkk……"

"Zeion ihoke klijd jklkliue mfmapi jdfiuye douek oaueh ioodo jdielos kdojleidk (Roughly translated: You earthlings are so de-evolved to not allow aliens to enter your contest)."

Read one of the funniest blog posts regarding the Yoga Journal talent search contest posts...

Some photos of non-dog loving yogis:

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Yoga Superstore

(click on comic for better detail)
This is by Joseph Boquiren who is really a great yoga cartoonist. From Samadhi Pants

Ha, ha, I should have added a yoga smörgåsbord to all the offerings of the GreatTranscendentalYoga Super Store.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Bend That Back - A New Yoga Reality Show from YogaDawg Productions and Bravo

Become The Next Great American Yogi. The new yoga reality show, Bend That Back, pits unknown yogis against each other for a chance at yoga domination. Judged by famous American Yoga Stars, the yogis will participate each week in unique yoga challenges.

The Challenges:

Straight from the mat – From a sadhu’s alms bucket, each yogi draws three slips of paper which has a yoga style by a well known yoga star scribbled on it. The challenge it to create a new style of yoga using a blend of only those three styles. Extra points are awarded for novel uses of yoga props.

I am the most serene – This challenge pits the yogis against each other to see who can hold corpse pose the longest without snoring or get up to use the loo.

I’m too sexy for my yoga – This competition will see who can buy the sexiest high end yoga togs for the least amount of money. Really, really tight fitting and skimpy outfits are encouraged for the aesthetic portion of this challenge.

Extreme yoga video - A yoga mat is laid out with the following: a copy of the Upanishads in the original Sanskrit, a cobra fang, a Tibetan prayer bowl, the latest issue of Yoga Journal, a framed letter from Pattabhi Jois, a calendar showing yoga poses done in the nude (in black and white), a tattered poster from a Jimi Hendrix concert from 1969, a pair of Toesox, a bottle of kombucha and a tube of hemorrhoid cream. Each yogi must use at least two of these items to do a 15-minute yoga performance, of which at least five minutes must contain gratuitous nudity.

Talking shit to the Godhead – The yogi reaches deep into their vast yogic experience and teacher training to out-talk their fellow yogis with yoga speak. Points are rewarded for the most inane, incomprehensible and the most riddled with cliché. Talking in tongues for short periods will be allowed. Extra points are given to contestants that can put any of the judges to sleep or cause their eyes to glaze over.

Yoga studio limitations - The challenge here is to find clever new ways to disturb a yoga class. Loud ujjayi breathing, tight, revealing clothing and/or doing different poses then everyone else in class have all been used successfully in the past. Creativity is important in this challenge

Yoga YouTube nation - Using a cheap video camera, the yogis will produce a YouTube video of their most advanced yoga moves. After posting the video online, the yogi with the most hits after a week wins.

Sweating to the yogis – Yogis attempt to follow a 2 hour instructional yoga DVD in a hot yoga room that starts out at 86 degrees. Heat increases a degree every minute. Last yoga standing wins. Extra points are awarded to any yogi that keels over from heat stroke or who suffers third degree burns. Any yogi that dies during this challenge will be automatically disqualified.

Rebel yoga yell – With the rise of claims by some young yoga stars who have labeled themselves yoga rebels, this challenge will find the yogis in a competition as to who can create the loudest and most sustained rebel yell. Extra points for those that can do so with a southern accent.

Instruction based madness – Each participant draws up a flowing sequence of yoga poses for a ninety minute yoga class. Once completed, the instructions will be redistributed to another yogi who will attempt to follow their colleagues’ instructions. The challenge is to make the instructions so diabolical and crazy that no one would be able to follow them. Points awarded for a successful completion of the instructions or sustaining a major injury as a result of trying to follow them.

Outsourced yoga - Yogis have five days to set up a website that offers online yoga classes with outsourced Indian programmers and Indian yogis to work for as little as possible. The winner is the one who can hire the cheapest programmers and yogis with points awarded for any web site that can actually get someone to pay for these classes.

Authentic Self dance trance groove - Following the contemporary yoga tradition in which yogis choreograph a highly produced yoga dance routine, this challenge asks the yogis to create their own original dance trance production. The participant that gets closest to their authentic self during the allotted time wins the challenge.

This asana is for the dawgs – This challenge will require the yogi to use a real animal in an animal-named yoga pose. The first yogi who can gets PETA to protest the abuse of animals against the yogi, wins.

Cosmic colon cleanse - Using a special formula of kombucha, gogi berry extract, a secret blend of ayurvedic herbs and blessed by a tribe of Tibetan shamans, the first yogi that completely dissolves their ego, ambitions and false face wins. Additional points awarded for any yogi that levitates to a height of at least 8 inches over the toilet seat for a period of no less than 3 seconds on the initial, ahumm, blast.

YogaDawg Production is now accepting applications to appear on "Bend That Back". We are looking for 12 participants who fit the yoga demographics (as defined by Yoga Journal) - 9, size 0 or smaller white women between the age of 20 and 27, 1 male, 1 minority and one really, really old person (like around 40). Send a letter of intent (and if you are female, a photo of you doing a yoga pose naked) and $350 for processing to:

YogaDawg Productions
Postal Drop 419
Ebola Okei-Dokei Street

A big thanks and shout out to the lovely and inspirational Alex for the yoga star quotes and the ideas we batted around months ago about a yoga reality show. It's funny how a bleak, barren and boring time at work brings out the satirical in me.

Monday, April 11, 2011

That's one smokin' Ustrasana...

I hate it when my breath of fire get extinguished
Now I know why they say don't drink water during yoga practice
Tummm tum tum tum tummmmmmmmmmmmmm...

from Dream Filled Photography

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Yoga News - Pistol Packin’ Yoga

Tex of San Antonio
For The San Antonio Yoga Gazette

A new variation of Yoga made its appearance recently when a Yogi in Texas initiated the world’s first gun mandatory Yoga studio. This studio requires all Yogis to carry a loaded weapon while practicing within the studio.

Earl of San Antonio, President of the Texas Association of Male Practitioners of Yoga known as TAMPOY (see Yoga Declared 'Not Gay') has initiated this guns only policy in his YoGuy Yoga studio because, as he explained, “I want to insure that Yoga studios don’t turn into defenseless shooting galleries. There are too many crazies, criminals and terrorists out there. I mean let’s face it, even some of those Yoga students coming to class don’t seem quite right in the head. It’s the ones with the lavender mats and pastel colored Yoga clothes that have me most concerned.”

Earl has developed a unique series of Yoga poses that seem to concentrate on the Yogi’s inner gun-fighter. The poses include the:


When asked if a Yogi could practice in the studio if they don’t own a weapon, Earl replied, “Who the hell in America doesn’t own a gun? That’s the craziest ass shit I ever heard.”

Yogis learning the finer points of StickUmUpasana

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Addendum - The forgotten lesson in your teacher training program.

One of the most important lessons that you, as a yoga teacher, need to learn is the ability to interpret and understand exactly what the student is trying to tell you. Because of the general feel-good, touchy-feely, groovy, non-judgmental, always-be-positive aspect of yoga, the student frequently slips into yoga ‘all-is-good’ speak which makes it hard to understand what the student is really trying to tell you. Here are some common phrases you will hear in a yoga class from your students translated to plain speech:

When the student says – They mean

Your class is interesting – blecchh

That was a challenging class – it really got on my nerves

You really know a lot about yoga – you’re old

Your classes are so popular – It sucks being 3 inches away from the people next to me

Your class is amazing – I have no clue what else to say

It's so great how comfortable you are with your body – you’re fat

I love your class – can I go now

There’s an article coming out about you in Yoga Journal? - Who are you having sex with there

How cool you do yoga all the time – I’m sorry you are unemployed

You really explain yoga in depth – zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Your style of yoga is so dance like – wow, it's true that white girls can't dance

There’s a real consensus about your class – we all hate it

We should definitely get together – hopefully we never will

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

At Last a Cure for Yoga Teacher Smiley Face Syndrome

At last, a case you don't know what Smiley Face Syndrome is, please check out Yoga Dangers.

This yoga teacher suffers from Smiley Face Syndrome

Monday, April 04, 2011

Vote for YogaDawg for Yoga Journal CoverDawg

I can't believe they actually accepted my entry, but since I'm in there make sure you vote for me. Now that would send a message... Go here to vote!

Friday, April 01, 2011

The Bronx Zoo Cobra found at Jivamukti Yoga Studio

The Bronx Zoo cobra that went missing last Friday and was later personified by a Twitter account has been found. The Egyptian cobra currently has more than 221,000 followers on Twitter but has yet to “tweet” about his recent recapture.

The Bronx Zoo revealed on its website that the cobra has been found alive and well. Officials confirmed the snake was found practicing yoga in the Jivamukti yoga studio at 841 Broadway in Manhattan. The Bronx Zoo said they found the adolescent snake doing Bhujangasana with Sharon Gannon in a special VIP yoga room at Jivamukti.

Ms. Gannon told zoo officials, “That cobra has real potential of becoming a yogi though it balked at becoming a vegetarian.” It is not clear if zoo officials will institute yoga classes for it's animals at the zoo. Ms Gannon commented, “I think yoga could really help those caged up beings feel less like animals." When asked how the cobra came to take take a yoga class at the studio, she replied, "Guess it saw our logo and figured that's where all the hip cobras are hanging out."