Friday, December 21, 2007

Yoga Students - The YIP and the YOG

First off, be aware that like the Yin and the Yang, the Alpha and the Omega, you will be confronted with the polar opposites of students in the Yoga scene. These are affectionately known as the Yip and the Yog. Simply put, the Yip is the Yogically hip; the purveyor of the cool, tight and trendy pimp chic look of contemporary Yoga. Fed by the Yoga Industrial Marketing and Merchandising Complex (YIMMCo), these Yogis have evolved the simple needs of Yoga into an alt Yogic lifestyle. Too hip to read Yoga magazines (though they tend to sneak peeks from time to time to verify how ahead of the Yoga curve they are) they seek out their too cool and post-mod ideas on Buddhist web sites.

The Yog on the other hand is “not”. They, most likely, are beginner Yogis that have not been tainted by the YIMMCo as of yet. In certain urban Yoga studios, the Yog will be made to feel unwelcome and may even be discouraged from pursuing Yoga. They may, however, be given the advice to check out the Yoga Fashion page of the YogaDawg website before coming back to a Yoga class.

To help guide you on your path to Yoga Yipness, the following is a handy guide to refer to when confronted with choices in the Yoga world.

Yoga Music:
Dave Stinger
David Newman
Deva Premal

Krishna Das
Jai Uttal
Anything with singing bowls, temple bells or gongs

Style of Yoga:
YIP Male
YIP Female

Iyengar, Anusara or Generic Vinyassa

Yoga Clothing:
YogaDawg Gear or anything designed by independent, gay Yoga clothes designers living in the East Village of NYC.

Lululemon, Gaiam or any other Yoga clothing line that is advertised in Yoga Journal.

Yoga Mat:
YIP Male
The Black Manduka or the YogaDawg 'It Ain't Lavender' Men's Yoga Mat
YIP Female
The Purple Manduka or the YogaDawg Natural HempYoga SuperMat

Note: The YogaDawg MyPodSouthParkTripleLatte Super Mat is also acceptable to Yips of a certain age (see Yoga Mats).

Gaiam, any other mat advertised in Yoga Journal (excluding the black or purple Manduka) or a Pilate mat.

Buddhist, Taoist, Hindu symbols or any symbols from an obscure Eastern based religion.

Om symbol and anything other then the above.

Religious Affiliation:
Buddhist, Taoist, Hindu or any obscure Eastern religion.

Wicca, any Judeo-Christian religion or New Age belief.

Reading Material:
The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali and EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine.

Light on Yoga by BKS Iyengar and Yoga Journal.

Age Limit:
21 through 32

Other then above

Special Note: YIPs can morph into YogaDawgs after the age of thirty-two. Though not considered as hip as a YIP, YogaDawgs are still quite respected in the YIP community.

Special Note 2: YogaDawgs will continue to maintain this designation and respect from the YIP community as long as they refrain from any of the following:

1. Moves to the suburbs
2. Works in an office
3. Works as an accountant, engineer, programmer or salesperson
4. Lives with a partner that does one of the above

Now that you know how to spot and become a YIP versus a YOG, let’s explore the types of Yoga students that you will no doubt meet in your Yoga journey

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Yoga Students - The Spoiler

You will recognize this student by their top of the line Yoga mat, name brand spandex yoga shorts with matching Yoga tee shirt and Om symbol gold necklace, all purchased from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore. Though not a Yoga teacher, they are, none the less, sufficiently above the level of the classes that they are taking. You will find them mostly in beginner Yoga classes. The Spoiler will walk into the classroom with a swagger, pose and preen, maybe even letting out a bored sigh as they set up their mat. They will always set up in front of the class, directly in line with the teacher. This is a strategic move as it offers maximum visibility for the other students to watch them. If the Spoiler gets there too late and sees that their prime space has been taken, they will usually turn around and go home. For fun, try to get to class early where there is a known Spoiler and take their prime spot. It was been known for them to walk around in circles confused to where they will set up. Try not to chuckle too much if this happen as they might catch on and end up taking their mat and going home.

The Spoiler will begin doing Yoga poses before the class even starts. This is a favorite ploy of their's as they will try to strike up a sense of Yoga superiority early on. Once the class starts, the Spoiler will adapt advanced postures secure in the knowledge that the other students are mere beginners. There will be an occasional smile on their face as they think to themselves, "Damn, I'm good. Look at the rest of these losers." The Spoiler will know the Sanskrit names of the poses and may even try speaking Hindi to the teacher. The Spoiler will tend to do poses even while the teacher is explaining something to the class or while the rest of the students are resting in Child Pose. They take great pride in demoralizing the other students in the class.

Inner Dialog: Damn I'm good. Look at me go. I am the greatest. Check out all the students looking at me. They know I am the greatest. Watch me do this pose while everyone else is in Child pose. I'll get the teacher's attention now. Hot dog, she's looking at me. I'm bitchin' today. Ah well, screw it that everyone else is doing a forward bend, check out my headstand everybody. Damn, I'm the greatest...

Monday, December 17, 2007

Yoga Students - The Poser

This student will often be confused with the Spoiler, as they also will have a top of the line Yoga mat, name brand spandex Yoga shorts with matching tee shirt and Om symbol gold necklace purchased from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore. The Poser will also strategically set up in front of the teacher like the Spoiler. They will ceremonially unroll their mat and take great care to align it just perfectly. They will carefully place a yoga non-slip towel on top of that and go through motions of smoothing out every wrinkle and bump. Lastly, the Poser will take a hand towel, also with an Om symbol on it, ordered from the back of EternallyBlissfulYoga SuperMagazine and place it at the head of the mat in perfect alignment.

The fun begins, once the class starts. Predictably, the Poser will start huffing and puffing within the first three minutes. They will stop to sop the sweat off their brow as everyone else is doing poses. Within the next five minutes, they will start to slow down as clearly this class is too advanced for them even though it is a beginner class. After fifteen minutes, they will start to slip and slide from the sweat that is dripping onto their mat; possibly falling over. Twenty minutes into the class, they will be spent. The Poser will spend the rest of the time mostly in resting poses. They will not hear the snickering from the other students as the Poser begins to groan and moan through the class. The Poser will sneak out of the class while everyone is in final resting pose. This student will never been seen in the same studio once they have been found out to be a Yoga Poser; but they will be glad about their top of the line Yoga clothes and matching colored mat.

Inner Dialog: Cool, I'm in front of the teacher and everyone is checking out my cool, new top of the line Yoga clothes and matching colored mat from the GreatTranscendentalYoga SuperStore. Okay, here we go...Whee, look at me doing this stuff...up I go, down I go... whoa, everyone is looking at me, I am good…This is so much damn fun. What?!...what the f@&$ is this??? What is the teacher doing? I don't know that pose...I thought this was a beginner class....this is bullshit. Now what is the teacher doing??? I can't do that...damn everyone is looking at me...oh no, I have to go into child's pose. They are going to know I'm a poser. This sucks...I'm so depressed....I need my Prozac...I’ve got to sneak out of here...

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Yoga Students - The Eye

The Eye is at class not to do Yoga, but to lurk and leer. They will have read somewhere, most likely on the Internet that Yoga classes have lots of hot babes in them. In addition to that, Yoga looks kind of easy. Not like that Pilate class the Eye went to because he heard there are lots of hot babes in it. The Eye is a collector of EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine because he digs the Yoga babes on the cover and especially in the ads. He is not sure what this Yoga is about since he doesn't read the articles but he sure loves the pictures.

You will recognize the Eye by his tacky, lounge-lizard clothes; Yoga Cargo shorts with the button down, synthetic Yoga shirt from K-Mart. He will throw his mat down haphazardly and will reek of cheap cologne. The Eye will try to make small talk with the receptionist, if female; the students, if female; the teacher, if female. He will attempt to touch you if you are female. Rebuffed by all, he will lie down on his mat like he is at the beach. His water bottle will have mixture of vodka and white lightning. He will be drinking from this copiously. The Eye’s eyes will start to wander. They will check out the Yoga student babes and the Yoga teacher babe. He will think that this is even better then looking at the ads and cover of EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine. As the Eye eyes wander even more, he will become unsteady, a bit dizzy and possibly even fall over. He will be reaching for his water bottle frequently during class.

Inner Dialog: Dig this!! She's hot! Whoa, look at that one…dig those shorts… hot! Ooh no, check this one out to my left…I dig that shirt she's wearing, she's hot! Dear Lord, look at the ass on that one over there, I think I'm in love (was that a dirty look she just gave me)? Oh man, oh man, oh man, check out the knockers on that one. Damn hard to concentrate on this Yoga stuff...Wait, wait, is the teacher trying to get my attention??? Yes, yes she is, damn she's a babe…she's hot! She is saying something to me...roll up my mat?...she is asking to follow her out of the class...Damn she is so impressed with my Yogic abilities that she thinks I'm hot and wants to give me a private lesson. I love this Yoga stuff...wait, is that the door out of the studio she's showing me to??? She is opening door...wait, wait what do you mean never come back here again? Hey, do I get my money back...

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Yoga Students - The Matriarch

The Matriarch is the mate of the Old Fart. She will be a trillion years old. In class, she will tsk, tsk under her breath, have an air of condescendence, interrupt the teachers with words like, "well, the way I was taught...", give the students the 'look' if they try to save the teacher and finally subdue the class into complete silence, including the teacher. Expect the teacher to stop verbalizing the instructions after the 3rd or 4th pose in the presence of a Matriarch. Everyone will be intimidated by her.

Inner Dialog: Look at all these young bitches. Yea, so what that you're 50 years younger then me. So you have a tight Yoga ass, big deal. At least I know what I'm doing. Been doing Yoga for 60 years. So what that my husband hates me. He's probably in the bar next door anyway. I better not catch his ass there. Anyway, let's see how good you are once we get started. What are you looking at? That right, this is the manual written by the CYO of the Nerd school. You know I'm going to give the teacher a piece of my mind if she starts doing stupid stuff with the poses. Yea, that right Missy, show off your tits in those fancy Yoga cloths. That's right; I don't shop at the crappy GreatTrancendentalYoga Superstore. This unitard I've been wearing for the last 30 years is good enough for me. Screw your stupid sticky mats. This blanket is where it is at...hey, that guy with the gold chains has kind of a nice ass…

Friday, December 07, 2007

Yoga Students - The Really, Really Old Fart

Most likely wandered in the class thinking it was the senior citizen center. Please help him find his way back home.

Inner Dialog: Where am I?????

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Yoga Students - The Shirtless One

The Shirtless One is the bane of Yoga students and teachers alike. This dreaded student is naturally a male. With the first drop of swear, they will whip their shirt off. They will think that they are great specimens of the human body. Whoever has the misfortune of being behind of next to the Shirtless One will be subjected to a sweaty and hairy back for the entire class. Quickly move away if you recognize a Shirtless One has entered the class.

Inner Dialog: We really don't know what the Shirtless one is thinking but you will join the rest of the class in pleading collectively, "Please don't take your shirt off, please don't... pretty please, don’t take your shirt off…"; but of course he does...