Yogis with Shovels

Sally Juncter
For The Yoga Economist

With a nod to the Depression era WPA (Works Project Administration), the Obama administration has instituted the first ‘make work’ project intended to give people jobs and further stimulate the economy. Interesting is the fact that Obama focused on a group with specific skills for this first work project; yogis. Dubbed the YWS, Yogis with Shovels, the Obama administration seems to acknowledge the economic hit that this sector of the economy has suffered. The once darling of the American economy, the yoga sector has sustained losses due to yoga students reluctant to spend money for classes, teacher training courses and conference. As students are squeezed economically, they are cutting back on yoga related activities.

“Along with lack of funds the students have along with the new nuttiness of recent yoga developments, students are seeing more values these days in a cheap six-pack of the “Beast” (the low-end beer, Milwaukee’s Best) then in yoga, commented Jenni-ji of the organization, Yoga Trends.

Though this program will focus of recently unemployed yoga teachers and students, a rider to the bill will added that will effectively ban those who made a ‘killing’ on the yoga boom of the last few years, the yoga star. Though an effort to decide who is a “yoga star” is problematic, the bill would disallow anyone who has appeared in the yoga magazine, Yoga Journal, in the last 4 years. As Fred Thompson, the administrator of the program explained, “These people should not be rewarded on the way down since the teachers who worked for practically nothing found their income flat during the boom year. It is pretty well known in the community that it is only the stars and studio owners who made money with yoga.

Spokespeople for Obama say that he focused on yogis for this program because he wanted to build a more ‘flexible’ work force.

Is Your Child a Yogi?

St. Mary of Toledo
For Yoga is Evil Magaizine

Press Release

OM-MY (Outraged Mothers against Monstrous Yoga) presents its handy guide to help you quickly detect if your child is a yogi.

With its relentless march into mainstream society and the infiltration into America’s most stellar institutions; schools, playground, churches; Yoga has become a hideous blight in this country. We at OM-MY (Outraged Mothers against Monstrous Yoga) are committed to preventing this insidious hazard from ruining your kid’s childhood and life. We feel that the first line of defense to help children combat the war on yoga are their parents. They are in the best position to see yoga usage in their children as well as to stop it. It is a hard process to overcome but there have been many mothers at OM-MY who have dedicated themselves with this serious problem. Through their dedication and persistence, children and their family have fought the yoga battle and won.

The first step in stopping this disgusting aberration is to become familiar with the styles of yoga that are practiced today. OM-MY will supply you with information on the various styles (also called Schools) of yoga, what they looks like, side effects, terminology, lingo, and of course keeping parents updated on other information about other new styles of yoga emerging out in your children's world.

If you want to be successful in warning your child about the dangers of yoga, then start by talking to them about yoga at an early age. It has been suggested that parents start as early as three or four to help keep them from practicing yoga in the future. This early start can give your child a fighting chance against peer pressure (and also from teachers that are involved in this heathen practice) once he or she enters kindergarten and grade school. This little edge might assist your child in making a very important decision about doing yoga.

There are certain signs that may suggest that your child is doing yoga. These include, physical evidence, physical or biological signs, and behavioral changes.

Physical evidence is an obvious way to tell that your child may be involved in yoga.

Have you found any exotic yoga paraphernalia in their room or on their persons such as:

- Yoga mat and/or yoga mat bag
- Block or colorful strap
- Neti pot
- Vedic trident
- Alms bucket
- Loin cloth
- Yoga class pass
- Incense *

* Even though incense is associated with the practice of yoga, please be aware that it might just indicate your child is doing drugs which we feel is perfectly acceptable in normal childhood development.

You may also notice behavioral changes in your child. Some of the more bizarre and chilling are:

- Cheerful in the morning.
- Peaceful with an uncanny smile on their face (don’t assume that is their normal smirk).
- Initiate conversation with parents
- Found in strange positions (sometimes resembling a human pretzel and occasionally standing on their heads)
- Perfect posture while standing or sitting with an unusually straight back
- Heard making odd noises such as long ‘moaning’ that sound like Om (while not having sex)
- Loud breathing (while not having sex) This is sometimes called Ujjiyi breathing in the yoga world.
- Will walk younger siblings to school
- Grades improve
- Hangs out with new friends who are more calm and peaceful than your normal teenager
- Their eyes are open and wide (as if taking in the wonders of the world)
- They smell like spices and incense from India

Probably the most telling sign that your child might be a yogi is if you see the following on their person:

- Clothes with strange symbols on them (Om is the most popular)
- Clothes that are brightly colored and revealing
- Has a dot on their forehead
- Have tattoos of the wheel of dharma, yin yang, om and other foreign symbols

If you suspect your child is a yogi, do not "freak out". Before telling your teens how you feel or what they should do, LISTEN!!! More often than not, your teens will have a reason for doing yoga, so LISTEN. The best way to eliminate symptoms of yoga is to treat the disease. (The problems your teen has in his/her life.)

In extreme cases, an intervention might be necessary to save your child from yoga. This could be anything from holding the child in a room as members of the family persuade the child regarding the evils of yoga. In extreme case, there might be a need to call in a deprogrammer or even an exorcism. Though some children can never be saved from yoga (and sadly some ending up becoming yoga teachers or even worse, opening up a yoga studio) it is nonetheless, possible to prevent this by early yoga detection.

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Unknown Photo of YogaDawg Found

Previously unknown photo of YogaDawg with Miles Davis - circa 1960-61.

Courtesy of the Non-profit YogaDawg Foundation with research funding from the Jazz is American Kirtan Charitable Trust.

Photo found in box 326 of the Thaddeus “Dig Dat’ Hornsworth Jazz Archives housed in the Smithsonian Institution.

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New Computer Virus Ruining Lives

John Havalock
For Yoga Prevention Magazine

A warning was announced from leading software companies that a new virus has been infecting large numbers of computers around the world. This virus, known as the “BKS ver. 1.3756_LOY” virus, arrives via email attachments. Its subject line is designed to trick the recipient into opening the email using a subtle but clever come-on such as SEX SEX SEX targeting males or SHOES SHOES SHOES targeting females.

Users infected with the virus report symptoms ranging from a humming Om sound coming from their hard drive to screen anomalies such as words in documents bending, binding and twisting. It has also been noted that random sentences are occasionally translated into Sanskrit. One infected user found the first twelve verses of the Yoga Sutras inserted into an office memo sent out to co-workers. Another found illustrations of yoga poses peppered throughout a financial PowerPoint presentation presented to the members of the board of his company.

Late stage infections will find the virus using the computer to program the user’s cell phone to chant Hari Krishna while sending emails to yoga studios to sign the user up for yoga classes and workshops. One infected user reported that the virus signed her up for several yoga conferences and had automatically authorized payment from her husband’s credit card (her husband disputes that this had anything to do with a computer virus citing instead a yoga addiction his wife has struggled with for years). In the most disturbing instances, the virus has been found subscribing infected users to Yoga Journal magazine.

Though rare, the virus has shown the ability to leap from computer to user. When this happens, the infected user suddenly loses their sense of humor while earnestly extolling the virtue of yoga to family, friends and coworkers. They will stop talking about sports, their kids, shopping and begin babbling incoherently about yoga. They have been reported to replace their household bric-a-brac, sports trophies, thrift-store paintings and pictures of their kids with statues of Buddha, Om symbols and photos of yoga stars. There have also been reports of infected users quitting their well paying jobs to begin training as yoga teachers.

To eradicate this virus from the computer, anti-virus software venders suggest inserting a copy of Richard Simmons, “Sweating with the Oldies” or an old Jane Fonda workout DVD in the hard drive. For humans infected with the virus, doctors prescribe Pilates classes twice a day and recommend staying away from the computer for the next several months.

A users home BEFORE and AFTER infection from the BKS ver. 1.3756_LOY

Even an idiot can practice yoga

YogaDawg Grafitti - Washington, DC

If Barack Obama was a Yogi

Top Row: Rainbeau Mars, Dave Romanelli, Natasha Rizopoulos, Ana Forrest, Rodney Yee, Seane Corn, David Newman (Durga Das), Sharon Gannon, Guru YogaDawg, Dave Stringer, Baron Baptiste

Middle Row: Ana Brett, Deepak Chopra, Sarah Powers, Eric Schiffman

Front Row: Bikram Choudhury, Shiva Rea

See the OM Cabinet here

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