Yoga News - Paris Does YogaDawg – A Jailhouse Conversion

Wholey Moley
For Yoga Entertainment Today

In an apparent jailhouse conversion, Paris Hilton has been spotted doing Yoga in her cell while attempting to speak Sanskrit to the guards (the guards say it sounds more like chop suey).

This behavior can seemingly be traced to her visit to a Buddhist bookstore just before being incarcerated. As has been widely reported, Ms. Hilton had visited the Bodhi Tree Bookstore in Hollywood a week before going to prison. She had purchased several books, among which was the Yoga text book, "My Third Eye Itches – A Yogic Guide" by the elusive and controversial Sri Sri Swami Baba Guru YogaDawg.

What was not known at the time, but which Yoga Entertainment Today has uncovered, is that Britney Spears has been in contact with Paris just prior to her visit to the store. It appears that Britney had suggested that Paris get the book "My Third Eye Itches – A Yogic Guide". It was also suggested by Britney that Paris become a disciple of YogaDawg (see Britney Does YogaDawg - Further Revelations).

It is not known if Ms. Hilton is pursuing this behavior with the hopes of getting out of prison sooner for good behavior or if she has truly mended her ways by following this most enlightened teacher of Yoga.



Editors Note: Paris Hilton was released from prison after only three days of incarceration. There are reports that a large number of the general population of the prison have begun doing Yoga and petitioned the institution for classes in speaking Sanskrit. The non-profit YogaDawg Foundation has reported an upsurge in membership applications from California.

When the sheriff was asked why she was released from prison, he said, "When I looked into her cell, she was all twisted up like a pretzel and speaking this crazy ass shit that I couldn't understand a word of. I thought she was having a catatonic fit. We are not prepared to treat something like that here in the prison".



Editors Update: In fast breaking news, Paris Hilton was sent back to jail Friday a day after her early release under house arrest triggered outrage that one of Hollywood's own was getting special treatment.

Hilton, who had spent little more than 72 hours behind bars, cried and wailed "YogaDawg, YogaDawg, YogaDawg" as Superior Court Judge Michael Sauer ordered her back to prison to serve out her 45-day sentence for driving on a suspended license.

At the hearing, the judge expressed irritation at the sheriff's department, saying he had never heard of YogaDawg nor received promised documents that were supposed to explain why Hilton was released due to this jailhouse conversion.

"I never received those documents. And just who is this YogaDawg?" Sauer was quoted as saying by the Los Angeles Times. There are now reports that a large number of the general population of the prison have STOPPED doing Yoga and learning Sanskrit.

Yoga News - Clinton Proposes new Department of Yoga

Julie Spank
For Yoga Political Review

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire -- Democratic presidential hopefuls traded barbs over the war in Iraq, health care, taxes and even Yoga Sunday night in New Hampshire. The stunner of the evening came when Hillary Clinton announced her intention of establishing a new governmental department once elected President which would be named the Department of Omland Yoga.

John Edwards responded by saying that he would ban incense in Yoga studios due to health issues explaining that this would be the centerpiece of his health care reform package (Edwards apparently took a cue from Michael Bloomberg’s ban on incense in yoga studios in New York City). Dennis Kucinich, who is known by many as "The Peace Candidate" and who is a Yoga practitioner, chanted Om three times while he did one complete Sun Salutation. Meanwhile, some in the audience claim they heard Barack Obama exclaim under his breath, “What the fuck?”

This is not the first time that Hillary Clinton has stunned critics and opponents with her unorthodox method of calling attention to herself while going after a segment of the population for their vote. From her blatant attempt to woo the southern male voter by showing up at a speech wearing an outfit that showed “cleavage” to the calculated cackling she has been spewing to gain support from the “hysterical Right”, this appears to be a move to get the “Yoga moms” behind her in her bid for president. Though creating a department of Omland Yoga is not a new idea for the Democrats (See Establishment of Department of Yoga on Pelosi's Agenda), this is the first time it has showed up as a proposal by a major presidential candidate.

When Clinton was asked how she was going to reach out to the approximately 27 women left in American that don’t practice Yoga, Clinton replied, “I’m sure Bill will come up with something.”

On the Republicrat side of the issue, Lynn Chaney was reported as saying,” Dick, put down the damn shotgun and get me my Yoga mat.” Ann Coulter meanwhile, when asked her thoughts about the proposal from Hillary Clinton, replied, “That bitch is such a skank, though is Bill kind of hot!”

Yoga News - Chi to Chai – Buddha Cries

Nothair Not-There
For Yoga Siddhi Today

A small Yoga studio in Seattle was shaken when during a Saturday morning Yoga class, a Yoga teacher her students at the studio discovered that a bronze Buddha statue looked as if it had been crying. The statue, bought from Pier 1 Imports and placed on a window sill of the Yoga studio, sheds drops of moisture from its eyes that puddles in a pool of liquid at the base of the statue.

"At first, I thought there was a hole in the roof and rain was dripping on the statue”, explained Jenny Satcrest, "but the more I looked, the more it appeared like the Buddha was truly crying. What’s really crazy about this is that it only happens during Yoga classes!" Confirmed by several Yoga students at the studio, the statue "cries" faster or slower depending on what postures the class is doing. "The harder the pose, the more it seems to weep and it stops completely when either we sit in silence or are in Corpse pose", explained Ms. Satcreat "I’ve experimented with that statue and can really get it weeping if I announce to the class that we are going to do partner poses or do some chanting. Then I notice that there is a torrent of tears coming from the statue. It’s almost as if the statue has taken on a personality of likes and dislikes of certain poses and wonder if it is channeling the chi of my students."

This story gets even stranger as to the explanation of what the tears are made of. Ms. Satcreat swears it is the sweetened green chai that’s sold in Starbucks. When asked how she came to conclude that the tears were composed of this, she said, "Well, after mopping up time after time, I finally had the nerve to dip my finger in the liquid, smell and taste it. It blew my mind what it turned out to be!" When asked how she could be so sure that it is green chai, Ms. Satcreat said she stops by the local Starbucks everyday for her green tea fix and said she can identify the taste anywhere.

Others aren’t so taken with the crying Buddha though. When a rival Yoga studio was asked about this, the owner replied, "Well, I won’t be impressed until that Buddha starts dispensing Frozen Orange Crème, Triple Shot Espresso, soy blended Frappuccinos with whipped cream on the top."

Meanwhile, Starbucks is losing no time with a new marketing campaign incorporating Buddha with the slogans, "Forget non-attachment. I want my Starbuck Chai!" and "What would Buddha drink?"

Yoga News - Yoga Declared 'Not Gay'

Tex of San Antonio
For The San Antonio Gazette

The Texas Association of Male Practitioners of Yoga declared a proclamation today that "Yoga is not gay". Earl of San Antonio, Texas (when asked his last name he replied, "We’re friendly down here in ol' San Antonio way, so just call me Earl") founded TAMPOY after, as he put it, "Was sick and tired of people telling me that Yoga was kinda gay".

Earl said he got the idea after being razzed once too often from his male bowling buddies. It was then that he decided to start TAMPOY. When asked how many members the association had, he said 12; ten of which prefer to stay anonymous.

Earl was asked if he expected membership to grow and he explained, "That’s been kind of hard because males in Texas have a tremendous difficulty admitting they do Yoga. I was hoping that President Bush would publicly say it was okay for males in Texas to do Yoga. That would have gone quite a way of getting this issue out in the open".

Earl added, "By the way, we in the TAMPOY organization don’t call ourselves Yogis rather we call ourselves Yoguys; yep, we’re just regular Yoguys".

We contacted John Martin of the Coalition for Gay Rights for comments regarding this story. His reply was, "Ooookkkaaayyyy…." and promptly hung up.

Yoga Shopping - The ThermoChakra Thermometer

This innovative device allows you to check out your Chakras to see what state they are in. Coupled with the handy Chakra Healing Guide, you will now be able to balance your own Chakras, saving your time and money paid to the local Yoga studio that you had to do in the past. The ThermoChakra Thermometer is available in either mouth, underarm or rectal versions.

Yoga News - Britney Does YogaDawg – Further Revelations

Holly Jolie
For Yoga Entertainment Today

With the news last month that Britney Spears shaved her head because of a satirical news article on a Yoga humor blog, "My Third Eye Itches" (see Britney Does YogaDawg), there were further revelations today that Britney actually applied to become a disciple of Guru Sri Sri Baba Swami YogaDawg.

When reached for comment regarding this development, HotDawg, the lovely wife of MadDawg (formally Born and Maiden America) acknowledged that Britney was in contact with the non-profit YogaDawg Foundation. It appears that Britney sent a handwritten letter to YogaDawg requesting several YogaDawg t-shirts and explaining how she qualified (see Qualifications for buying YogaDawg Gear) to purchase them. In a PostScript to the letter, Britney wrote that she wanted to become a disciple of YogaDawg (Editors Note: MadDawg and HotDawg are currently the only two disciples).

As MadDawg explained, "We were kind of blown away that not only did she want to buy some YogaDawg t-shirts, but that she wanted to become a YogaDawg disciple". "Yeah, like we had her name picked out and everything", HotDawg added. When asked what that name was, they said, "CrazyDawg! We thought the name was perfect for Britney".

In the meantime, this reporter contacted Tom Cruise by phone with these further revelations regarding Britney and his reply was at first a stunned silence. Then he started shouting, "I want a YogaDawg t-shirt!" which at the same time sounded like someone was jumping up and down on a bed on the other end of the line.

Yoga News - Patanjali Appears in Fast Food Restaurant

Betty HandleyFor EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

Yogis are flocking to a McDonalds in Gering, Nebraska where Patanjali is said to have appeared to people.

The apparition is taking place above the checkout counter of the restaurant. Yogis say that Pantanjili has been appearing to them on a regular basis over the past six months. Yogini, Rita Gomez, who is part of the ever growing group of Yogis that has encamped in the restaurant, said, "The vision usually begins when handed the McDonald bag that had a women doing the Tree pose on it. When they look up above the menu, they say Pantanjali appears and speaks to them."

After Patanjali spoke to one 14-year-old girl, she began and completed the entire Secondary Series (a series of poses done in the Ashtanga style of Yoga). Yogi, Emmanuel Duchamp, 38, said he saw Patanjali appear. When asked what he spoke about, Mr. Duchamp said “Super size that".

The Yogis have been doing asanas in the back of the restaurant during normal business hour. John Mattins, manager of the restaurant, when asked if this was a bit strange, he agreed it was odd but as long as they purchased something, he was okay with it. He added, "They are just a group of devoted Yogis who come here each day to do their thing. There has never been any other strange business going on that has ever given us cause for concern. We are keeping an open mind”.

It is reported that there have been no other sightings of Patanjali in any other McDonalds.



Patanjali apparition at a fast food restaurant in small Nebraska town.



The bag that has inspired Patanjali to appear at a fast food restaurant.

Yoga News - Om Trademarked

Intel Insider
For Yoga Law Review

The Yoga world stands stunned today as Stanley Zambowski of Pittsburgh, Pa has made a move to copyright and trademark the word OM.

Inspired by Bikram Choudhury's successful copyright of 26 poses of Yoga, Mr. Zambowski hired his cousin Walenty Zambowski, a lawyer, who set loose a flurry of cease-and-desist letters warning yoga studios around the world not to use the word OM, the symbol Om nor even chant OM. "This is a cold and quiet day for all Yoga studios", lamented Rod Entriteramen of the NirvanaPranaOneWorldYoga Studios. "We actually had a few students break down crying because we had removed the OM symbols from the walls of the studio and sat silently before and after class since we couldn't chant OM and didn't know what else to do".

In the meantime, a nonprofit organization of yoga scholars based in India, in response, has put an additional 1,000 historians and scientists to continue to work cataloging all known Sanskrit words to block Mr. Zambowski from cornering the market on any other Yoga related word.

When questioned by reporters if he could possibly think he would be able to copyright the word OM, Zambowski (in the manner of Bikram Choudhury ) grabs his crotch, lets out a loud belch and thrusts wildly while screaming, "I am a Polish Bull! Boom! Boom!" Mr. Zambowski refused further comment.

Editor's Note: Mr. Stanley Zambowski is the owner of the famous Stan's Polish Sausage Hut and the Hot Polish Sausage Yoga Studio; both popular hangouts for students from the University of Pittsburgh.

Yoga News - 10,000th Yoga Style Reached

John Franco
For Yoga Associations Journal

An exciting milestone in the Yoga world has been reached today with the 10,000th Yoga style registered through the Association of Yoga Styles and Schools (AYSS).

“We could hardly believe it when we received the application to register this latest Yoga style”, remarked Joan Sutherland from AYSS. “Who would have thought that so many styles of Yoga would appear? It seems only a couple of years ago that there were a few, such as Iyengar, Ashtanga, Anusara, Kundalini and a handful of others”, she noted.

AYSS, founded in 2004, was the brain child of Lou Stelutti, a New York Yogi and Jazz bassist. As Mr. Stelutti explained, “I noticed that with all the teacher training courses, there were not enough Yoga studios to hire them all. It was about this time that I suggested that these budding teachers establish their own schools of Yoga. It was with my sincere desire to help them in their Yoga journey that I established AYSS”.

When asked if these new teachers have benefited from registering at AYSS ($1,750 registration fee), Mt. Stelutti only smiled as he looked at his Rolex watch and exclaimed, “Whelp, I got to run. I'm late for my Yoga class”.

Yoga News - NYC Mayor to Yoga Studios: Lose the Incense

Betty Fontana
For New York Yoga Magazine



 Fresh from the victory of having tran fats banned from all restaurants in the city, Mayor Bloomberg has called for all New York City Yoga studios to stop the burning of incense. "We consider this a major health issue", he said. "We have made major strides in the health of our citizens by banning cigarettes from bars and restaurants and now tran fats used in cooking. Burning incense and second hand incense smoke is the obvious next step", he added. He will introduce legislation next week.

When the owners of major Yoga studios in New York City were contacted regarding this announcement, their comments ran along the lines of; "he's nuts", "cuckoo", "whack job" and "WTF???"

Mayor Bloomberg said that he has "no intention of outlawing incense all together. What people do in their own homes is their business", he said, "but once they exhibit that behavior in a public Yoga studio, we intend to put a stop to it".

When reporters asked if there was anything else he might ban, Bloomberg quipped, 'Oh and while we are on the subject of Yoga studios, we are starting to look at the health hazards equated with rented Yoga mats in studios. Besides being smelly and disgusting, they are jeopardizing the health of New York city Yogis.".

Yoga News - OSHA Issues YogaTeacher Rating Guide

John Sixpack
For Yoga Industry News

WASHINGTON – In response to complaints from an ever growing legion of Yogis, new guidance from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) will help Yogis select and understand the appropriate Yoga teachers when taking a Yoga class. The document, Yoga Teacher Safety Rating Guide, was released today by the agency. "This guidance document will aid Yogis in the safe selection of a Yoga teacher." said Assistant Secretary of Labor for OSHA, Edwin G. Foulke, Jr.

Improper selection of Yoga teachers can result in pose failure, misalignment or slippage, which in turn can lead to injuries or death. OSHA accident data for the years 2005 through 2007 show that there were numerous injuries in Yoga studios involving Yoga instruction.

OSHA intends to format the final product for use on the Web. With the document in web format, a Yogi can quickly get information on the type of Yoga teacher he or she is practicing with without having to look through material that is provided on individual Yoga studio websites (which in most cases tends to be exaggerated and totally lacking in credibility).

“We hope that this new rating system will be adapted by studios and that Yoga students will inquire of individual teachers where they fall on this rating scale.” Mr. Foulke said. “In any event, we feel that this Yoga teacher rating scale should go a long way in guiding the student to the proper teacher and thus prevent injuries in the long run,” he added.

The New OSHA Yoga Teacher rating scale:

1. Initiate
2. Novice
3. Ascetic
4. Monk
5. Sadhu
6. Guru
7. Boddhisattva
8. Yoga Star


1. Initiate

Skills:

- Can communicate with students and novice teachers about mundane Yoga subjects
- Can adjust students but only once per student per class
- Can hear Yoga gossip from far away
- Can spot and wear trendy Yoga clothes


2. Novice
Skills:

- Can apply aromatic oils on the feet and forehead of students during Corpse pose
- Able to silence questions by renegade Yoga students by telling them "Everything is illusion”
- Can detect bad yoga attitudes in their students
- Has training in Yoga teacher BS
- Able to make a moderate income from Yoga teaching


3. Ascetic

Skills:

- Can communicate with advanced (Monk and above) teachers
- Can detect Yoga posers in their classes
- No longer has a need for trendy yoga clothes
- Able to detect illusions. If questioned by a student, they can say “some illusions are more illusory than others”
- Can increase in wealth by teaching Yoga workshops.


4. Monk

Skills:

- Can lead teacher training classes
- Able to be seated in lotus position for extended periods of time
- Can heal students of their Yoga illusions along with some ham-string injuries
- Will only eat vegetables (or meat from animals that have died of natural causes).
- Can wear elaborate saffron robes
- May be a wanderer or a resident at an ashram


5. Sadhu

Skills:

- Has limited clairvoyance
- May teach classes while being naked
- Limited possessions: loin cloth, trident, alms bucket and occasionally, cigarettes and a cell phone.
- Able to teach in the marketplace or other public locations where they exhibit their Yoga skills to the general populace (and, consequently, act as recruiters for certain Yoga studios)
- Able to charm snakes, climb invisible ropes, lie on beds of nails, fire walk and survive burial
- Able to levitate themselves up to a height of 50 feet but are reluctant to do so in public


6. Guru

Skills:

- Unlimited levitation of objects
- Able to have sex without karmic ramifications
- Wear white robes which ordinary students are forbidden to touch
- Has an entourage of lesser Yoga (Astetic and below) teachers to teach the class
- Fully clairvoyant
- Masters of illusion and misdirection
- Has the ability to summon gods and demons
- May wear an elaborately feathered hat made in Tibet


7. Bodhisattva

Skills:

- Can charm supernatural beings and unruly students
- Can ride a magic carpet or magic yoga mat
- Can perscribe herbs to heal Yoga students
- Unlimited ability to do adjustments
- Has no need to shift illusions but rather can shift the expectations and attitudes of others
- Can acquire immense and unlimited wealth through opening a famous Yoga studio
- May wear virtually anything or nothing


8. Yoga Star

Skills:

- Can walk on water
- Able to raise the dead
- Can change water into wine (and back to trendy bottled water)
- Will practice tantric sex with select Yoga hotties in class
= Able to walk through walls
- Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
- Can turn cheap Yoga clothing into chic versions by lending their name to them
- Manifest unlimited wealth and fame from Yoga classes, conference and ads in Yoga magazines
- Can part major bodies of water

OSHA's Publication "Yoga Teacher Safety Rating Guide"

Yoga News - UFOs Abduct Iyengar – New Yoga Tabloid Debuts

Dock Bay
For Yoga Crime Gazette

Excited shoppers are grabbing copies of the newest tabloid newspaper to hit supermarket checkout stands. What surprised most market analysts, is how successful this paper appears to be in the crowded tabloid market. When asked about the apparent success of the tabloid, the publisher and editor Guru YogaDawg explained, “Well, with only about 127 women left in the country not doing Yoga, how could this paper not be a success? Everyone has wanted an alternative to the stodgy magazine, Yoga Journal. Now that they have it and they can’t get enough of it!”

World Yoga News features articles from around the Yoga world and even outer space which no other media will touch or report on. In-depth Yoga reporting covers such stories as:

Autopsied Alien Discovered in Love Triangle with Rodney Yee and Colleen Saidman

Patabbhi Jois takes up Pilates

Seane Corn cuts her Hair

Elvis seen with Buddha at Los Vegas Nightclub

Shiva Rea Lost in Space during Dance Trance Workshop

Baron Baptiste removes his Bandana

Dalie Lama Quits. Becomes a Ski Bum in Aspen

National Enquirer has countered this threat to its tabloid empire by added an all new Yoga celebrity section.


Praise for World Yoga News

George Bush – At last a newspaper that doesn’t make me feel stupid and doesn’t trash any of my policies.

Dick Chaney – Shut up George and stop saying stupid shit!

Rodney Yee – Do you think that love triangle will hurt my video sales?

Colleen Saidman - Shut up Rodney and get into Childs pose.

Harry Potter – YogaDawg makes Yoga more fun then Quidditch.

JK Rowling – Shut up Harry. I knew I should have killed your ass off in the last book...

Yoga News - Rodney Yee Introduces the Rodney Tofu Burger

John Applegate
For New Yoga Products Newsletter

Rodney Yee, Yoga video star, announced the introduction of his Rodney Burger at the One True Yoga Conference today. "After making my 754th Yoga video, it became clear that I have oversaturated the Yoga video market. Sales have been dropping so I needed a new revenue stream", he said. The Rodney Tofu Burger will have a likeness of Mr. Yee on each patty. "We are going to introduce Colleen's (Colleen Saidman, semi-famous Yoga star) face next, but we wanted to start with me because I'm more famous. We think we can sell more burgers this way", he explained.

Mr. Yee was asked how he came up with the idea of the Rodney Burger. "Well, actually it was Colleen's idea. While she was cooking me a tofu burger, she said, "Rodney, this is weird, but this tofu burger looks like your face". I looked and agreed. It was like a brain storm. We both looked at each other and said, the Rodney burger!"

Mr. Yee originally wanted to have the patties shaped in the form of Yoga asanas, but he thought that would cut further into his Yoga video empire. He was concerned that Yogis would start using the tofu burgers to learn Yoga instead of his videos.

Yoga News - Britney Does YogaDawg

Mary Hairey
For Yoga Entertainment Magazine

In a case of life imitating art, it was reveled today that the reason Britney Spears shaved her head was due to a story that was found on a Yoga humor blog. Leaked by a member of her therapy group in her current configuation of rehab, it was reveled that Britney was actively surfing the YogaDawg blog when she can across a satire piece regarding the American Yoga Star, Seane Corn (see Seane Cuts Her Hair – December 2006).

It appears that Britney's increasingly tenuous grip on reality made her believe that the news article was real and decided to emulate Ms. Corn (who shaved her head in the article). Leading Psychologist, Dr. Free Freeman, commented, WWe see this blurring of the lines between madness and sanity in many famous American movie stars, sport stars and Yoga stars". Ms. Lu Chu, Britney's publicist commented, "I know she had been surfing that site for many hours on end, but I didn’t realize she was taking it all so serious. She was mumbling something about becoming a Yogi, but I didn’t think much of it. You know how Britney is".

Seane Corn had no comments when contacted about this story but Tom Cruise asked, "So how come YogaDawg won’t let me buy one of his t-shirts (see Qualifications for purchasing YogaDawg Gear)? Britney's more nuts then me. What do I have to do? Shave MY head?"

It has been rumored that Britney has been wearing a YogaDawg t-shirt around in rehab since arriving there.

Britney and Seane - Before and After

Yoga News - Tree Pose Seen on Tree - Others see Cross behind

Tereese Treese
For EternalBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

Behind a non-descript building in suburban Minneapolis, several Yoga participants are seeing an eerie likeness of a Yogi doing the tree pose on the peeling bark of a 50-foot pine tree. Though there is some dispute who the likeness is of, there is no disputing that the image is that of a person doing a Yoga pose. The image is fueling speculation and wonder in the insular world of Yoga practitioners. There is a belief that somehow a great Yoga spirit is looking down and protecting this area of Minnesota.

John Schuster, who has spent more than 30 years at the helm of the Okie-Dokie Yoga studio, first spotted the likeness when he decided to do some yoga poses in the outdoors. “I decided I wanted to do a tree pose out by that tree and was flipped out when I focused my dristi (a Yoga focal point) on the bark of the tree when I suddenly noticed a figure doing the tree pose on the tree.” He added, “It was kind of spooky to be doing a tree, while seeing a tree on a tree”.

Though Mr. Schuster claims the figure on the tree looks like BKS Iyengar (a famous Yoga Star), others aren’t so sure. Brenda Stephens, a 27-year-old “Yoga assistant” at the studio thinks it looks like Shiva Rae (another Yoga Star), while Jenni-Ji, a student swears it looks like Rodney Yee (another Yoga Star). Even non-yogi Hari Houdini claims to see the figure, but he said it looks more like Ronald McDonald.

The tree is guarded by a barricade with a single candle, Om symbols and copy of two famous Yoga tomes, “My Third Eye Itches” and “Right On Yoga”. They have been placed by well-wishers who practice nearby. Mr. Schuster commented, “I guess when it starts talking, then we will really be freaked out."

Yoga News - Special Sale for Yoga Teachers: 50% off on BS Training

Antonio Valveldi
For The Yoga Education Newsletter

For any new Yoga teacher (or those wanting to advance their teaching skills), it is important that you master one of the most crucial aspects of Yoga which is not usually covered in conventional teacher training courses; the Art of Yoga BS. Critical to your success as a Yoga teacher in today’s competitive and crowded Yoga scene, it is important that you master this principal skill so that you will become a successful and prosperous Yoga teacher.

Offered through the YogaDawg College of Yoga, this training offers a solid grounding in Yoga BS. YogaDawg’s BS for Yoga Teachers will teach you how to BS in any Yoga class with no knowledge of the subject or the need to study ancient Yoga texts.

Starting with simple Yoga words and phrases such as om, transcendence, radiant, consciousness, soul, omniscience, joy, One Spirit, divine light, psychical inversion of the Spiritual, Spiritual Eye of the Seer, Lululemon Athletica, black Manduka Yoga mat or even Yoga Industrial Complex, you will soon begin to weave them into complex, compelling and seemingly profound gibber. By the end of the course you find yourself able to say things like:

“Faith must be supplemented by Yoga; while Yoga must be led as well as studied before the full meaning can be understood. The awakening of Spiritual Consciousness can only be understood, in measure, as it is entered into Yoga.”

or

“The recognition of the three worlds while resting in Child’s pose leads us to realize ourselves; and all life; as of the Soul of Yoga. As we dwell, not in past, present or future, but in the Eternal, we become more at one with Yoga."

or

“Doing Yoga poses, the total of the phenomena, possess as their property; Manifestation, Action, Inertia; the qualities of force and matter in combination. These, in their grosser form, make Yoga cool and trendy.”

or even

“The whole outer world exists for the purposes of Yoga and finds in this, its true reason for being a Yogi. Shopping at the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore encompasses the grades or layers of the Three Potencies of Yoga. Yoga stuff then becomes Defined, Un-Defined or On Sale. So always look for that with distinctive marks known as logos; finding these on sale are even better”.

Never again be thrown or rendered speechless when one of your students has the audacity to ask something like, “What exactly did Pantanjli mean in Chapter 1, Sutra 2 of the Yoga Sutras when he wrote, "Yogas citta vrtti norodhah"? Be assured that you will now be able to answer such questions with confidence and cunning wisdom.

By enrolling in the YogaDawg BS for Yoga Teachers, you will be offered bold techniques such as the patented NTNF (Not true, not false) Technique. This technique will perfect you in the practice of asserting whatever the student knows to be true, is false (or false, is true). With the contention that the ancient Yogis didn’t know as much as the current American Yoga Stars (and backed by the authoritative Yoga resource, Yoga Journal), you will have those neurotic students who ask such questions, believing that you are the source of a new trendy Yoga philosophical approach.

So, enroll today at YogaDawg’s College of Yoga (classrooms in most major Yoga studios world wide) and save 50% during this one-day sale.

Yoga News - Yoga Studios Surpass Starbuck Outlets

Star Shanka
For The Times of Yoga

In an amazing testimony to the popularity of Yoga in the last few years, the Clearinghouse for Yoga Business (CYB) has confirmed that there are now more Yoga studios then Starbuck outlets.

What started as a whim by some hippies standing on their heads as they tried to follow the Yoga teaching of the great Masters of India, has now turned into an American craze that has surprised even the most vocal of Yoga advocates. "I knew Yoga was popular, but I had no idea just how so!" remarked Sundas Kuwasana of the US Yoga Advocacy. "Even we were caught off-guard by this report", he added.

Jim Donald, Starbucks president and chief executive officer, confirmed the findings of CYB but appeared undaunted as he joked to this reporter, "Yes, we were asleep at the switch. Too much decaf I suppose.", Mr. Donald commented. He added, though on a more serious note, "We are currently in talks with the NivanaPranaWorldYoga SuperStudios to place Starbuck cafes in all 2,369 of their studios. This should keep us ahead of the Yoga trend".

Sources close to Starbucks confirmed that the slogan for this new strategic partnership will be "Kick your relaxation to the next level".

Yoga News - New Environmental Concern: Yoga Mats

Fred Germani
For The Yoga Mat Association News

An estimated 240 million Yoga mats are discarded each year, adding to the estimated two to three billion now littering the landscape. Yoga mats are ideal breeding grounds for rats and mosquitoes and are fire hazards (burning, they release toxic chemicals into the air and produce an oil-like residue that can contaminate groundwater).

Environmental Concerns. The Yoga mat industry's environmental efforts have focused primarily on the reuse, recycling, and safe disposal of scrap mats. Reuse programs include retreading as well as newer anti-erosion programs. Recycled mats can also been used in asphalt-based road coverings, shoes, household items, and even new mats. But in spite of all these programs, hundreds of millions of mat discards went to landfills since the beginning of the Yoga boom in the early 2000.

Ms. Sally Hartgield, Press Secretary for the Yoga Mat Association, summed it up this way, "What a mess"!

Yoga News - Tom Does YogaDawg

Jonnie Rocket
For Yoga Celebrity Today

In what appears as a celebrity world going mad (or at least bald), Tom Cruise is the latest star to shave his head (see Britney Does YogaDawg). Appearing on the NBC's Today Show, Cruise explained why he shaved his head to Matt Lauer.

“I couldn’t understand why Britney was able to buy a YogaDawg t-shirt and yet I’m not able to. It occurred to me that this might be a Cosmic test for me and concluded that I had to shave my head”, Mr. Cruise explained. Matt Lauer said that the t-shirt he was wearing looks like a cheap knock-off and not a real YogaDawg t-shirt. Flummoxed, Cruise replied, “Of course, it real, do you know how much money I had to send the Dawg to get this. And just trying to understand those people at YogaDawg Productions in Nigeria was a nightmare. All I can say is, just thinking about this make me way to start jumping up and down”. Mr. Lauer was quick to reply, “Please don’t…”

Mr. Cruise was asked if shaving his head might hurt his chances of landing future movie deals. He replied, “No! As a matter of fact, I am in talks with the producer of the “The One True Yoga” (see The One True Yoga) to play in the sequel The One True Yoga II as the Court Jester”.

When the non-profit YogaDawg Foundation was contacted for this story, they at first were quite stunned that Tom Cruise had somehow gotten a hold of a YogaDawg t-shirt (see Qualifications for Purchasing YogaDawg Gear). MadDawg, the handsome husband of HotDawg (formally Born and Maiden America, the two disciples of YogaDawg) declared that the shirt Tom was wearing was in fact, fake. “We had NBC send us close-up of the shirt and saw that it is clearly a fake. We feel bad for Tom, but we still won’t sell him a t-shirt”, MadDawg said. HotDawg added, “But you know, he is kind of cute, especially with all that jumping up and down he does. He kind of looks like he’s doing Ashtanga Yoga sometimes. I think he can become a great Yogi if he ever decides to become a disciple of YogaDawg”!

Tom Cruise (wearing a YogaDawg t-shirt) explaning why he shaved his head to Matt Lauer with close up of the t-shirt in question. Notice the crude lettering, the smiley face on the Dawg and the incorrect website on the shirt in this close up

Mafia Runs Chicago Yoga Market

Dick Tracy
For Yoga Crime Gazette

Federal prosecutors filed a lawsuit yesterday seeking to seize control of several Yoga studios in Chicago, declaring that they are dominated by the Mafia. Expanding the use of Federal racketeering laws, the civil suit asked a Federal court to appoint supervisors to oversee the operations of the busy yoga studios and its main union, The United Yoga Workers Local 459 of the A.F.Y.L (American Federation of Yoga Laborers).

The prosecutors, asserting that yoga class prices were being driven up by racketeering, the suit described both the studios and the union as "captive" organizations of the Om Capone yoga crime family. "The Government has filed a racketeering suit to put the Yoga studios under court supervision", said Patrick J. Fitzgerald, the United States Attorney in Chicago.

At a news conference to announce the suit, Mayor Daly said he had initiated the investigation three years ago when a friend who operates a yoga studio told him of being required to make payoffs to “shady characters wearing high-end Yoga clothing and gold Om necklaces”. Much of this activity has been centered around three studios in particular; the Stugots Yoga Studio, the Gabagool Shala and Goomba Om Yoga Studio.

Asked how it came to be that the mafia targeted yoga, the mayor replied, “Yoga is a multi-billion dollar industry. Seeing a drying up of gambling "revenue" due to the new family friendly atmosphere of Chicago as well the lose of drug ‘revenues” from the gentrification of major parts of Chicago, the Om Capones decided to target the lucrative yoga market”. The mayor clarified, "It's like when Jessie James was asked why he robbed banks and his reply was,'that’s where the money is', well so it appears with yoga”.