Monday, December 29, 2008

Yoga News Special Report - First Chakra Transplant Performed

Zio Chang
For Yoga Medical News


The world's first chakra transplant was successfully carried out today by a team of 5 yoga teachers and several 200-hr teacher trained assistants at the Louisville General Yoga Studio, Kentucky.

The operation, which was led by studio owner Debbie Dean, was undertaken on an unnamed 54-year-old man. It took more than seven hours to complete. The donor Elsie, a 6-year-old heifer from Old McDonald's farm, had its Heart Chakra removed immediately after her death. It was rushed to the Yoga studio via Federal Express.

When questioned why the man needed a Chakra transplant versus a Chakra healing, Ms. Dean explained, "Look, this guy was turning into a grumpy old man whose piss poor attitude was upsetting everyone around him. When his wife first approached us, we thought Yoga would be enough to get a little joy out of him. But we were mistaken. We had decided that he needed some radical treatment".

Recovering well

Reading from a prepared statement on the steps of the Yoga studio, Ms. Dean said, "The patient, as far as we know, is satisfactory and recovering well". The man's wife reported that she thought she saw something like a smile on his face for the first time in 15 years. "It was kind of weak but that is to be expected since he hadn't smiled for so long". His reaction to the implant over the next 10 to 14 days is expected to be critical."

Ms. Dean, who was accompanied by the entire Chakra transplant team, said the operation lasted around two hours despite the fact they were working together for over seven hours. She added, "We expect the patient to begin sipping Mint Juleps and cheering for his favorite horse at the Kentucky Derby in a matter of months."

When asked why the Heart Chakra from a cow was used, Ms. Dean replied, "Well in India, the cow is sacred and it is well known that the cow Chakras are identical to those in the human being, so they can be transplanted". Ms. Dean was also asked if regular health insurance would cover a transplanted Chakra and she explained, "Not yet, but now that other Yoga studio owners see this as a new potential revenue stream, I'm sure that there will be a push to have this covered".

This current cost for a Chakra transplant range from $250 for the Root Chakra to $1,025 for the Crown Chakra.

Yoga patient undergoing a Chakra transplant

YogaDawg Gargoyle on Notre Dame

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Pose - A Holiday Tale

It happened in a Saturday morning yoga class. Exhausted from preparations for the holidays, the yogi was looking forward to a yoga session. During a particular pose, the yogi closed his eyes, felt a calm awareness and was surprised to find he was perfectly aligned. That had never happened before as he was a novice at yoga.

As he continued to hold the pose, the students around him smiled as they admired its perfect alignment. The teacher stopped teaching the class to study the pose and called other yogis into the studio to show it to them. As word spread, yogis from other studios gathered around to admire it also. All seemed to agree that they had never seen a pose done with such poise.

Those studying the pose became more flexible, felt happier; more alive. Wrinkles disappeared; digestion improved; aches and pains were relieved while glass jaws, rope burns, paper cuts, blackheads, spring fever, homesickness, halitosis, corns, bunions, warts, the heebie-jeebies, shyness, unexplained weeping, in-grown toenails and gunshot wounds were all mysteriously cured.

As word of the pose passed from yogi to yogi, it became the number one discussion on yoga blogs and websites. Photos of the pose were scanned, faxed, emailed, made into posters and appeared on billboards. It was featured on the six o’clock news. The pose made the cover of Yoga Journal and the magazine renamed itself, “The Pose”, shortly thereafter. Famous yoga stars started making yoga videos, writing yoga books and offering yoga workshops about the pose. The pose began to be referred to as “The Pose”.

Novelists incorporated The Pose into their books. A famous author penned a pivotal work titled “The Perfect Pose” which went on to become the best selling novel of all time. The novel was made into a movie; the movie was adapted to a one act play; the play was made into a musical which gave way to a major opera called “La Pose”. This made the Italians very happy. Consequently, ancient yoga texts were rewritten to include The Pose. Yoga scholars discussed it in new commentaries on said ancient texts and new scholarly works were written about it.

The Pose enabled people to sleep peacefully through the night (without snoring), charm cobras, leap buildings in a single bound, acquire untold wealth and speak fluent Sanskrit and Swahili. They also gained the ability to compose complex jazz melodies while walking in the park.

The Pose went on to win the Nobel Peace Prize for physics, a Heisman Trophy, an Oscar for best supporting actress and was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor by the President of the United States. A small pacific island nation changed its name to the Island of Pose, (Subsequently becoming the most prosperous nation on the face of the earth by offering workshops and conferences to teach The Pose to yogis around the world).

Endangered species began to reproduce rapidly, rescuing them from extinction. The lamb lay next to the lion and leprechauns were seen riding on unicorns. The sun always shined; the plants were always watered; the dog was always walked; the hole is the ozone was closed.
All creatures on the earth sang along to the Music of the Spheres; Gabriel blew his horn and the Sirens chanted hallelujah! Energy became unlimited and non-polluting; the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse got off their horses to practice The Pose…and…

As the yogi opened his eyes and came out of the pose, he remarked to himself, “I sure wish I was better at this yoga stuff…”

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Paparazzi Snap YogaDawg

Missy Enders
For Yoga Entertainment Today

The Yoga world is abuzz with the news that the paparazzi have snapped several pix of the elusive and controversial Guru YogaDawg practicing Yoga. In the past, using advanced Yogic Siddhas, YogaDawg has managed to elude the paparazzi by walking through walls, levitating out windows or completely disappearing before his picture could be snapped. Though these pictures are fuzzy, they are believed to be the real deal.

Reactions to the photos seem to run along the lines of surprise, delight and awe. Jackie Seng, a Yoga student, summed it up best, “I nearly fainted when I saw the photos, YogaDawg is hotter then we ever imagined. My girlfriends and I have been walking around in a daze all week. We also noticed that our Yoga has improved substantially. We love those cool hand mudras that he's using ”.

When Romey Satcha, President of the Council Against the Deformation of Yoga was asked to comment on this story, his reaction was, “What is this BS? Doesn’t anyone see that this is a blatant attempt to sell his stupid t-shirts? This guy is a menace to Yoga”!




Thursday, November 20, 2008

Yoga News - New California Yoga Ad Campaign

Wise Cracks
For Yoga Industrial Marketing and Merchandising Complex Magazine

With the slogan, "We’re nuts!", the Yoga Alliance of Real California Yoga Stars (YARCYS) has launched an integrated marketing campaign called 'Real California Yoga Nuts'. The campaign came about as it had become obvious that increasing numbers of Yoga Stars are being recognized in places other than California. This has resulted in reduced revenues for these California Yoga Stars, as increasing numbers of Yoga videos, merchandise, workshops and conferences are being produced outside the state. This campaign has brought together California Yoga Stars in a temporary truce in their on-going quest for Yoga fame and ultimate supremacy.

With the mass-market Yoga advertising bombardment of consumers, most people now accept that Yoga is a natural and healthy form of exercise. However, YARCYS feels that consumers need to be reminded of Real California Yoga or as spokesyogini Ana Forrest (famous American Yoga Star) put it, "...us California Yoga Nuts. We have a long tradition of Yoga here in California and we want to make sure the rest of the country and world does not forget this".

Another member of YARCYS, Shiva Rae (another famous American Yoga Star), explained the need for the California Yoga ad campaign, "Well, you know we were trying to outshine each other in our California Yogahood but seem to have lost sight that others outside the state were becoming famous and all that. I think it hurt all of us when we learned that they actually have Yoga studios in places like Iowa and Oklahoma!" The governors of those two states when asked for comments both replied along the lines of, "Nuts indeed…!"

New logo for the Yoga Alliance of Real California Yoga Stars

Friday, October 17, 2008

Free Yoga Mats

The Yoga Liberation Front demands Free Yoga Mats for the unemployed NOW! Support a bailout for yogis!!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Friday, July 04, 2008

Yoga News - The YogaDawg Blog is Suspended

This blog has been suspended due to complaints about inappropriate Yoga content by concerned Yogis, official Yoga organizations, Yoga Stars and the country of India.

The Organization for True Yoga, the Center for Yoga Seriousness and the Yoga Alliance against the Deformation of Yoga have accused YogaDawg with crimes against Yoga including the blatant attempt at undermining the seriousness of Yoga. These organizations claim that too many Yogis have begun laughing during Yoga classes which YogaDawg have actively encouraged them to do. The Ashtanga and Iyengar schools are especially disturbed by these “damn laughing Yogis.”

Meanwhile, the newly created U.S. Department of Yoga have accused the “My Third Eye Itches” blog with undermining the Yoga economy of the United States by encouraging Yogis to stay home to surf the YogaDawg web site and in the process to start a home practise instead of contributing to the Yoga economy by buying bulk Yoga class passes, Yoga mats and clothes, Yoga conferences, Yoga cruises, Yoga magazine subscriptions and CDs of creepy Yoga music. In addition, YogaDawg is being pursued by the U.S. Department of Yoga Injustice for running an irreverent Yoga contest and trying to sell crappy t-shirts through his alleged money-laundering operation in Largos, Nigeria.

Several unnamed Yoga Stars have joined in a call for the complete shutdown of the YogaDawg blog and website claiming liable and deformation of character. They have reported a drop in revenues from their Yoga kingdoms and queendoms due to the seditious nature of YogaDawg’s so called “Yoga humor” on the site. Tom Cruise is rumored to support this action due to YogaDawg’s refusal to sell him a YogaDawg t-shirt.

Note: YogaDawg could not be located for comment. It appears that he has vanished even though there have been unconfirmed sightings of him, hanging out with Buddha and Elvis, in Las Vegas topless bars and New York City jazz clubs.

(Psst...for more really good funny shit, go here. Just don't let you-know-who know)

Sunday, May 11, 2008

YogaDawg Spotted in New Jersey

Barnacle Bill
For Beach Yoga News

YogaDawg, the renegade yogi and yoga fugitive (see Where is YogaDawg ) was recently spotted in Ship Bottom aka Long Beach Island aka In The Middle of No Where aka Where the Fuck Am I, New Jersey.



Allegedly having been caught on video on two separate occasions, it is now suspected that YogaDawg is using a network of yoga studio ‘safe-houses’ that harbors known yoga humorists and yogi satirists. One of the videos, shot from a surveillance camera from the front of the Shore Nuff Diner (not to be confused with the Shore Fine Diner, a block north or the Shore’s Dandy Diner, a block south) , catches a shadowy figure entering a yoga studio in this small New Jersey shore town. When the owner of this yoga studio was confronted by a reporter from the local paper, “The Oh Shore”, about whether this was the wanted fugitive YogaDawg, she replied, “I ain’t talkin”. When pressed that her studio hosted a presentation that very day by Edward Clark (another yoga funny man, yoga master and creator of the brilliant yoga comedy, Kill the Guru), the “Insects”, she replied, “Yea right. What are ya', some kinda' comedian?”





Surveillance camera catches a mysterious figure entering a yoga studo that some claim is the yoga fugitive, Guru YogaDawg

In the meantime, another video has surfaced that shows the same shadowy figure walking the beach earlier in the day which was accidently caught by a vacationer. Coming forward, this vacationer, Joey Banafano, said of the video, “Well, you know I was shooting videos of the babes on the beach when this dude in black walked by and he did this really weird thing. When I showed it to my wife, who does yoga by the way, she said, “My God, I think that's the fugitive YogaDawg and that’s not a weird thing he’s doing, that’s a half sun salute”. She convinced me to turn over the video to the "Organization Against Yoga Slander" who had a ransom on his head for like 5 bucks ;so I turned the video over to them; what am I stupid? Hey, by the way you want to buy a Rolex. Check out these gold chains…”





Is this Guru YogaDawg seen on the beach doing a Sun Salutation?

Background Note: YogaDawg aka Guru YogaDawg aka Sri Sri Swami Baba Guru YogaDawg has established a radical yoga organization called YIPS (Yoga Is Phunny Shit) after his yoga blog was suspended due to complaints by “conservative yoga associations”, yoga stars and Tom Cruise. Previous attempts by YogaDawg to establish a yoga organization, such as his YISVW (Yoga Is So Very Weird), had failed to catch on because, as some yogis have explained, “That organization just wasn’t that funny”.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Yoga News - Where is YogaDawg

Frank Zappato
For Yoga World News Report

The Yoga world is a little grimmer this week with the suspension of the fresh, funny and controversial Yoga blog, “My Third Eye Itches”. A coalition of Yoga organizations, Yoga Stars and even Tom Cruise, has apparently persuaded Yoga blogging interests to suspend operation of the blog. According to the notice posted on “My Third Eye Itches”, Sri Sri Baba Swami GuruYogaDawg, the brains behind the blog, has offended the Yoga establishment with his wry comments, keen observations and patent dismissal of the Yoga-Industrial-Complex.

While some in the Yoga community are citing a “vast conservative Yoga conspiracy”, other are convinced this all stems out of the fact that Tom Cruise masterminded this attempt to silence the YogaDawg blog. It appears that there has been a long time festering wound that continues to be chaffed with each attempt by Mr. Cruise to purchase a YogaDawg t-shirt. Though the two disciples at the non-profit YogaDawg foundation appear incredulous at this suggestion, they nevertheless feel that some sort of feud among serious Yogis has resulted in punitive action against the blog.

Meanwhile, the whereabouts of YogaDawg are unknown. His disappearing has sparked a massive dawg-hunt in the hopes of locating this most elusive and controversial Yoga writer. There have been unsubstantiated reports of YogaDawg being seen wandering among the sadhus in Tibet and being seen with Elvis in a Las Vegas nightclub. YogaDawg’s last confirmed sighting was on Apr 19th. Accompanied by a well known Yoga socialite and blogger, YogaDawg had attended a Kirtan at a Washington, DC Yoga studio. Kirtan master David Newman was seen having a spirited exchange with YogaDawg but refuses to comment on what was discussed.

Several major publications are posing the question, “Where is YogaDawg”?




Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Yoga News - Iyengar to Buy Ashtanga for $16.5B

Mark Jones
For Yoga Economic News

In a move that is hoped to finally bring peace and healing to the fractured Yoga world, Iyengar Yoga has agreed to buy Ashtanga Yoga in a $16.5 billion deal that will create the world's largest Yoga School. This historic merging of the two styles will close the schism that was created many decades ago when the founders drifted in separate directions. Though both claimed to be doing the "True Yoga" (both had been taught by the same Yoga master), it had led to much strife, name calling, back stabbing, grand standing and show boating among the teachers and students of each style.

The new Yoga School, which will be called Iyentanga (trading symbol IYGA), will be the world's largest Yoga School with $16.6 trillion in assets mainly from Yoga props. BKS Iyengar, founder and chief executive of Iyengar Yoga, will serve as executive chairman of Iyentanga, with overall responsibility for the integration of the two Yoga Schools. Madonna was given the nod to serve as chief executive officer of the new combined School. Mr. Iyengar acknowledged her brilliant 'acting' of Yoga in her films and what nots. Geeta Iyengar will be in charge of getting the Ashtangis to stop their loud Ujjayi breathing during class and quit all that jumping around from pose to pose that they are known for.

When asked if Iyengar was going to acquire any other Yoga Schools, Mr. Iyengar mentioned that both the Jivamukti and Anusara schools looked tempting.

In the meantime, Sharath, head of the Ashtanga School of Yoga, when asked about his current plans, said "I'm are going to relax on the beach at Goa and watch the babes for awhile. I'm kind of tired from all those jump throughs and jump backs after all these years." It has been reported that Sharath is contemplating his next venture. "I'm are looking at Pilates very closely."

Friday, April 25, 2008

Yoga News - Baron Flies

Jona Macivelli
For Yoga Flight News

Baron Baptiste, famed American Yoga Star, announced a new asana today that he calls the Super Fly. This asana allegedly allows the Yoga practitioner to fly around the Yoga studio.

Sources close to Mr. Baptiste explained that this new pose was in reaction to the pose called the Bumblebee discovered by Guru YogaDawg on a banana leaf found in the basement of the Baltimore Public Library and included in his SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy Series (See Yoga Lifts Off). The pose has enabled some Yogis to lift off their Yoga mats during Yoga classes.

Mr. Baptiste remarked “That Bumblebee pose ain’t nothing. Not only will the Super Fly have the Yogi flying around the studio, but the advanced position will have them walking on the ceiling”.

It is rumored that there is a buzzing sound that the Yogi makes at the back of the throat while practicing the pose.

Baron Baptiste flying over Singapore

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Yoga Mats - Introduction

The Yoga mat is your most valuable piece of Yoga gear, so as a Yoga student, you must choose wisely which one you will purchase. The Yoga mat will be your Yoga home away from home and even in your home. You might be tempted to use a mat provided by the studio, but YogaDawg advises against this as they are very nasty things, and they tend to be very smelly and disgusting. They really should be lining dog kennels instead of being practiced on. If you do insist on using these because you don't believe anything written in My Third Eye Itches – A Yogic Guide or are too cheap, then be prepared to develop funky skin rashes, warts, boils and lesions on your feet, hands and face.

With Yoga mats now available everywhere from trendy coffee shops to upscale bars and saloons as well as in gas stations and even from those guys selling umbrellas and fake watches on the street corner, your selection options can be overwhelming. YogaDawg will describe the mats currently available from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore to make your mat buying experience easy and pleasant. These Yoga mats are all branded with the cool GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore logo which will instantly establish your credibility as a serious Yogi in any studio, world wide, as you roll it out in your next class.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Revenue Soars - YogaDawg Foundation

Maria Bartiromo
For Yoga Economic News

Upon release of the prestigious Yoga eBook My Third Eye Itches - A Yogic Guide award, the non-profit YogaDawg Foundation reports that revenues have soared. “Dang, we actually sold our first two eBooks on the same day”, commented MadDawg, the huband of HotDawg (formally Born and Maiden America) who are the two disciples of Guru YogaDawg. When asked how much revenue was made, MadDawg replied, “Six dollars and 26 cents ”.

MadDawg said that the two YogaDawg eBooks were shipped to the Jivamukti Yoga studio in New York. “We are pretty sure they are for David Life and Sharon Gannon as they had the name of John and Jane Yoga on the shipping label. Obviously proxy buyers for those two.” When asked why the founders of Jivamukti Yoga would want to buy the YogaDawg eBooks (since they have written several Yoga books of their own), MadDawg replied, “Well, it’s pretty obvious that the highfalutin Jivamukti Yoga juggernaut is feeling threatened by the spiritual and advanced nature of the YogaDawg eBook and are assessing the danger they present by examining the real deal.” He added, “It’s like Bill Gates buying up smaller software companies that he deems a threat to his empire”. “Oh”, said this reporter.

When asked how the YogaDawg Foundation was going to apply the revenue to further its mission, HotDawg, the lovely wife of MadDawg, replied, “Well, we haven’t decided yet. Let’s just say that for now we have been enjoying a better brand of dog food”.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Yoga Mats - Standard Yoga Mat

Our bottom-line mat is made from recycled PVC pipes, plastic shopping bags and flotsam and jetsam washed up on the beaches of New Jersey. They are made by imprisoned political dissidents from labor camps in China as well as select sweat shops in Central America and Brooklyn. The Standard Yoga Mat comes in one color only, brown (or slight variation depending on the color of the debris it is made from). Though slightly smelly and which has a tendency to disintegrate when exposed to sweat and leaves mat droppings on the studio floor after each use, you will nonetheless feel like a real yogi as you now own your very own Yoga mat.
Note: Some have reported vile reactions in people who may be sensitive to Industrial wastes, carbonvynalflouride and/or chemical and biological hazards.

Extra Thick Standard Yoga Mat
Same as above, only thicker.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Yoga Mats - The 'It Ain't Lavender' Men's Yoga Mat

Designed by Earl of San Antonio, this mat is crafted with the male Yogi in mind. With a saw dust surface and the smell of dirty gym socks, this mat will make the practice of Yoga a true pleasure. Most exciting of all, it comes in real men's colors (no need to be embarrassed by those fem pastel color mats any longer). Colors include:

Moldy Mayo
Month-Old Sheets
Piss n Vinegar
Bathtub Ring
Pistolwhipped Peacock
Strip Club Floor
Greasy T-Shirt

Friday, April 11, 2008

New Yoga School is a Yawn

Tudy Smikanoff
For New Yoga Style Journal

What started out as a rogue Yoga movement, zBest Yoga has taken the Yoga world by storm or as some might say, by yawn. The brain-child of Guru-Z, a former Sheboygan, Wisconsin plumber turned Yoga guru, zBest Yoga is the latest entry in the crowded Yoga scene. Capitalizing on an aspect of Yoga practice that Guru-Z claims is one of the most popular among Yoga students of all strips and disciplines, zBest Yoga consists entirely of laying on a Yoga mat, in a comfortable position, with eyes closed for an entire 90 minute session.

Though this new Yoga style might seem a bit ‘light-weight’ to Yoga students that practice a more vigorous style of Yoga such as Ashtanga; students nonetheless have been flocking to zBest Yoga studios in increasing numbers. “We are seeing students who have hurt themselves doing Ashtanga or who have become bored silly with Iynegar”, commented Guru-Z in a recent interview.

Explaining his method of Yoga, Guru-Z recounted how he had reached inner peace or nirvana in a yoga class. “Well, you see, my wife suggested I go to one of her Yoga classes, which I thought was the stupidest idea she ever had; and believe me, she had a lot of those. Anyway, I realized that all that crazy crap they were doing was pretty whacked. And don’t get me started on the mumbo-jumbo that went on in that class. That teacher was talking shit in another language or something.”

Guru-Z when on to mentioned that his moment of Enlightenment came when at the end of the class, the students laid on their backs in a final pose known as Savasana. “Well, let me tell you, I had the best snooze ever. My wife told me I embarrassed her because I was snoring up a storm. But I tell you, when she finally kicked me in the head at the end of pose, I felt great. It was then and there that I decided to start zBest Yoga.

Like other Yoga classes this one starts off with a chant. While other styles of Yoga might use the sound of Om, a typical class starts with a chant that sounds a lot like snoring. Students are encouraged to be inventive and loud as Guru-Z believed this sets up the next stage in the process known as the 'Great Yawning'. “This is the gateway between earthly existence and transcendental bliss,” the Guru explained. As observed by current students of the method, this yawing is a contagious function that usually goes on for several minutes. The final phase of the zBest Yoga method finds the students on there backs in what appears to be a suspended state of trance. Though an objective observer might claim that the students are really sleeping with all the snoring, drooling and occasional passing of gas, Guru-Z claims that this is Yoga.















A zBest Yoga class

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Yoga Mats - MyPodSouthParkTripleLatte SuperMat

Just in for the holidays and perfect for the Gen Y and Gen X Yoga student. This mat comes complete with electronic key-chain type bulk class pass, iPod holder, and wireless Internet connection along with complementary gift certificate for the coffee shop of your choice. Included is the world famous Yoga instruction DVD: "You might as well do Yoga since you will never find a job while still living in your parents basement."

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Yoga Mats - Natural Dried Grass Yoga SuperMat

Made from grass clippings from the lawns of America. They are compressed under pressure. The Natural Dried Grass Yoga SuperMat does not have the normal artificial 'sticky' support, you find on other mats, but rather a more natural grip provides by small sticks and pebbles embedded in the surface.

Note: Don't use if you are sensitive to herbicides, pesticides, allergies or doggy-doo.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Yoga News - New Yoga Music CD is a Hit

Marsha Bloom
For Yoga Industry News

Dr. Psycho’s Lonely Rehab Kirtan Band is a new exciting Kirtan CD that is being spun not only in Yoga studios around the world but also climbing in the pop music charts. Praised as “an unsurpassed adventure in concept, sound and songwriting”, this revolutionary ‘Yoga music’ CD has captured both the Yoga and pop market by surprise. From the title song’s blasts of loud yogic Ujjayi breathing and fuzz sitars to the multi-channeled chanting and long, dying primal scream at the end of tune, 'That’s Hot (Yoga)', the thirteen tracks on Dr. Psycho’s Lonely Rehab Kirtan Band is the next evolution in the Yoga music.

Consisting of a trio of rehab pop divas; Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and one Celebutante; Paris Hilton, this Kirtan quartet that goes by the name of The YogaDawgs, is creating buzz in the Yoga industry. “This is one insane album. It’s the only thing the students want me to play in the studio,” explained Gobdev, owner of 'Say it ain’t Yoga' Yoga studio. With songs having been penned by all four members of the group; 'I don’t want to go to Yoga', 'Fuck me Lululemons', 'Monkey man, Hanuman' (Amy Winehouse); 'Opps – I varted again in Happy Baby pose', 'Get Naked Yoga', 'Toxic side angle Twist' (Britney Spears); 'Confession of a broken Yogi', 'Anything but Headstand' (Lindsey Lohan) and 'That’s Hot (Yoga)' (Paris Hilton), this CD has something for every Yogi.

How The YogaDawgs came together to record this CD has been a bit of a mystery, but sources close to the singers say that they had all apparently come under the spell of the elusive and controversial, GuruYogaDawg, while they were in rehab (See Britney Does YogaDawg and Paris Does YogaDawg). The biggest surprise of the group was the addition of Paris Hilton. While not a ‘pop diva’, Hilton’s little known 2002 CD, Paris, reached number six on the Billboard 200 for a week. As Winehouse explained, “Hey, that bitch can play a mean tambourine.” Asked how they choose the name of the group, Britney Spears replied “We were going to call ourselves the “Rehabs” but that was already taken.”

Cynical critics have attributed the success of the CD to the multi-billion dollar Yoga industry and the lucrative Yoga music circuit. “Everyone knows that there is money in that scene. This is the first ever Yoga/ pop music cross-over sensation,” explained John March of Pop MusicToday. “Just as drugs, sex and rock and roll produced the Beatles Sergeant Pepper record 40 years ago; this YogaDawgs CD is what booze, rehab and Yoga produced today. It’s so whacked. With everyone in America doing Yoga, no wonder it’s a hit. I need some blow!"

Meanwhile, Natalie Cole, who had trashed Amy Winehouse for winning 4 Grammys this year, was asked what she thought about this CD. “What is this monstrosity? I am so sick of these skinny ass, crack hos. And what the fuck is yoga?” she replied.

Click to Enlarge

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Yoga News - Ex-Gov Spitzer – Further Revelations

Jimmy Olsen
For Yoga Crime Chronicals

On the heels of the investigation involving Ex-Gov. Eliot Spitzer over the call-girl scandal, another revelation has come to light regarding Spitzer’s secret life outside the governor’s office. Investigators have revealed that the ex-governor, in addition to having liaisons with prostitutes in a Washington DC hotel, had also apparently been engaged in partner yoga in an Eastern Shore yoga studio. The Yogic Love Shack yoga studio, located by a mosquito infested marsh outside Golden Hill, MD (a 2 hour drive from DC), is home to a style of yoga that involves using partners.

While some in the small town have reported seeing black limousines out there by the Yogic Love Shack from time to time, most dismissed them as pols from Washington going duck hunting. “I knew there was some funny stuff going on out there, but I thought it was just Chaney (Vice President Dick Chaney) shooting up barns and road sign that he likes to do when he comes out here”, explained Hal Cromwell (Organizer and president of the Muskrat Beauty Pageant).

In any event, investigators said Spitzer was clearly a repeat customer who spent thousands of dollars on high-priced partner yoga workshops over an extended period of time. It was also said that some of the money even went towards private yoga sessions with a yogini named Shakti.

What is remarkable about all this is the fact that the FBI has videotape showing Spitzer engaging in partner yoga. “We knew that he was indulging in some kind of perversion over there in that shack, but couldn’t decide what we should focus on, prostitution or partner yoga”, explained agent Ben Miller. “I mean, that assisted Down Dog he was doing was pretty sick,” he added.

In the court papers, a Yogic Love employee was quoted as telling Shakti that Client 9 — Spitzer, according to investigators — "would ask you to do things that ... you might not think were safe," and Shakti responded by saying: "I have a way of dealing with that. ... I'd be, like, listen, dude, you really want to do headstand?"

The Yogic Love Shack on Maryland's Eastern Shore and Owner Buddy "Sundance" Lee




Thursday, March 13, 2008

Yoga News - State of Yoga Proposed

Cynthia Bainsworth
For Yogaweek

In a desperate move to stem the tide of people leaving the state of North Dakota, Governor John Hoeven and Attorney General Wayne Stenehjem today announced that they will propose legislation to change the name of North Dakota to Yoga. Governor Hoeven explained, "This bleeding of our population has got to stop. We feel that this is a bold move to not only stop the fleeing of our citizens to warmer climates but, in fact, will increase the population of the state four fold".

A few years ago, it was suggested by some North Dakota state legislators that the state should change its name to merely "Dakota" in an attempt to curb outmigration and encourage business investment. Their rationale was that, by including the "North" in North Dakota, it paints a picture of isolation and bitter cold. Nothing came of this proposal.

When asked by reporters if the Governor thought the idea of renaming the state's name to Yoga a "bit harebrained", he quipped, "Look there is nothing harebrained about this. We tried everything in the past to get people to stay here. Hell, we offered free land and even open invitations to any and all illegal aliens. And not one person took us up, let alone an illegal alien settling here. With 27.8 billion yogis in the world, it would not take many to quadruple the state's population"!

When North Dakota's lone Yogi was asked about the proposal, she replied, "Wouldn't it confuse people when they heard that you were going to Yoga? I mean, how would they know you are going to the state of Yoga and not a Yoga class"? We presented this question to the Governor whose reply was, "Damn, nobody knows where the hell North Dakota is anyway. So why should this be any more confusing to them".


Current North Dakota map and proposed map


Current North Dakota flag and proposed flag


Current North Dakota state bird (Western Meadowlark - Sturnella neglecta) and proposed state bird (Crane - Bakasana)

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Yoga Shopping - The PatanjaliYoga Portable Yoga Studio

Now own your very own Yoga Studio. A complete collapsible Yoga studio, made of 100% recycled cardboard stock with biodegradable cloth hinges that allows you to set up your very own Yoga studio in a matter of seconds in your own living room. The PatanjaliYoga Portable Studio is designed from the specifications as described in the Yoga Sutras. It includes a Buddha, a Mandela and an Om symbol etched in henna on the surface as well as a view of the Himalayas.

Monday, March 03, 2008

GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore - The AhimsaYoga Knives Collection

A full set of kitchen knifes that don’t cut and cleavers that don’t chop so as to be better able to live non-violently. Features exclusive DoNoHarm cutting surfaces that are rust free and maintains its dull edge longer than most traditional kitchen knives.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Yoga News - Group Demands Economic Stimulus Package for Yoga Studios

Amy Beniker
For The Yoga Economist

WASHINGTON - With stocks gyrating wildly, panic in the housing market and talk of recession, concern is being voiced among the presidential candidates about rescue plans for the American people. What is little known is the concern among Yoga studio owners of plunging class attendance and short falls in the sales of Yoga props. With Yoga students mortgaged to the hilt, threatened by joblessness and having used their high end condos as ATM machines during the real estate boom of the last few years, these Yogi BoBos have suddenly found that the extravagance prices of yoga classes are no longer viable and have been abandoning studios in droves.

A group of studio owners and yoga stars has formed a coalition to petition the government for an economic stimulus package for Yoga studios. They have chosen Dennis Kucinich, former Democratic presidential candidate to lead this coalition. Even though he has dropped out of the presidential contest due to lack of interest among voters (outside of a contingent of disgruntled, sexually frustrated old fogies in Florida due to his campaign slogan of, "I'm old, I’m short, but I get the babes.", in apparent reference to his tall, young, smokin' hot wife), the coalition, nonetheless, felt that Mr. Kucinich would be the perfect candidate to present their demands to congress.

What is little known to the general public is the fact that Mr. Kucinich is a practitioner of Agni Yoga. "He is one of our own", remarked Jeani-ji, owner of Yikes Yoga in LA. With election-year calls to establish a cabinet level Department of Yoga (to capture the "Yoga Mom" votes), the coalition feels that Mr. Kucinich is the ideal person to push a proposal to get rebates for yogis who purchase bulk class passes of 10 or more. "This should help jump start the faltering Yoga economy", Jeani-ji said. "We are also proposing a so-called bonus depreciation to allow yoga studio to deduct 50 percent of business investments made this year as well as generous write-offs on yoga props and paraphernalia."

Several of the presidential candidates, both Democratic and Republican, rolled their eyes when informed of the proposal that Mr. Kucinich was pushing. Sen. John McCain, meanwhile, remarked, "And I thought Ron Paul was nuts!"

Dennis Kucinich levitating in front of a group of Yoga studios owners

Monday, February 25, 2008

Yoga News - Madonna Does Yoga in India: Requests Villagers to Vacate

Brother Satya
For India Yoga Magazine

DECHU, India – Material girl Madonna has become the center of yet another controversy as she allegedly requested an entire Indian village to be vacated in order for her to practice Yoga. The pop singer and her British filmmaker husband Guy Ritchie spent New Year's Eve in the ShaktiYogi Hotel in Dechu village in the northern Indian desert state of Rajasthan. It appears around midnight; she decided that she wanted to do some Yoga.

Deepankar Tamil, the front desk clerk for the hotel, said that Madonna called to request that the hotel be cleared of guests so she could begin her yoga practice. "I thought this was a bit strange, but when she requested that, in addition to the hotel, she wanted the whole village to be cleared, I wondered if she was perhaps smoking some ganga", Mr. Tamil explained. "Thinking that she was perhaps pulling my leg and having a good joke on me, I asked if she also wanted the cows removed. Well, at that, she started speaking in a voice that sounded like a cross between Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and Pat Robertson. It was really spooky," Mr. Tamil added.

This is not the first time that Madge requested that people be vacated around her so she could do Yoga. A few weeks ago, the 49-year-old singer was told to stop talking by an instructor at a sports club yoga class. According to the New York Post, this prompted the unimpressed star to shout out, "I want you all to leave!" All 25 students and the teacher abandoned the studio.

Even though it is not clear how many people actually vacated the village, there are some reports of sadhus disappearing. Whether this is due to Madonna's request or advanced siddis that they practice remains unclear.

When the Minister of Information for India, Raj Kulatunga, was told of the incident, he replied, "Well, I hope she doesn’t decide to do Yoga in Bombay. I don't know where we would move all the people."

Indian village before and after Madonna does Yoga



Saturday, February 09, 2008

And now for a brief commercial break...

My Third Eye Itches has been honored by Grounding Thru the Sit Bones and Yoga Pulse as one of their 10 most liked blogs. Thanks guys. Here is my list...

Grounding Thru the Sit Bones

Linda's Yoga Journey

Yoga Pulse

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Yoga Pose - The Britney

Background - This pose came about by the excellent rendition of the Brahma Bull that YogaDawg saw Britney Spears performing for the Paparazzi. YogaDawg was so impressed with this advanced variation that Britney was doing that he decided to add it to his SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy Method ®.

Pose - Same as the Brahma Bull but this advance variation will have you using Yoga props to use as Brahma horns during the execution of this pose. Don’t forget to breathe and smile for the cameras.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Yoga Pose - The Hen Pecked

Background - Developed by MadDawg, one of the two disciples of YogaDawg and the handsome husband of HotDawg. This is homage to the feminine, the Ma or Mother, as wife and bearer of the hardships of afternoon Yoga classes and shopping. As chores and beer cans piled up, money gambled away and jobs were lost, the Yogi was inspired by his observation of others of the male species and incorporated that insight into this Yoga pose.

Pose - The teacher will start with a line of philosophically based questioning such as, "When are you going to cut the lawn" or "When are you going to look for a job." "When are you going to turn the TV off and get off the damn couch" or maybe even the daunting, "What the f*#*% is your problem you lazy SOB?" As you ponder these questions, you will give a blank and passive look at the teacher. You might chant the mantra, "Soon dear" or "I already did," or maybe even "I'm going to play cards at the bar with Fred and the guys." Your challenge will be to remain absolutely passive as you repeat these mantras. The advance version of this pose will have you lying down on your mat as you snore serenely. Don't forget to breath.

Benefits - This will find you serene in even the most stressful of situations. Said to be highly effective in divorce court and when dealing with your wife's divorce lawyer.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Yoga List - What is a YogaDawg?

A Cock and bull story

Fools gold

A Pig in a poke

Mumbo Jumbo

A Shot in the dark

Pie in the Sky

A blind alley

Three sheets to the wind

A Blabbermouth

Makes a mountain out of a mole hill

A sorry sight

Can't make heads or tails of

A fool's paradise

Full of piss and vinegar

A Fate worse than death

Hell in a handbasket

A Whack job

Absent Without Leave

For the Birds

Monday, January 21, 2008

Yoga List - What you can expect to hear in a Yoga class if Yogi Berra is teaching

90% of the game is mental, the other half is physical.

There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

It ain't over 'til it's over.

When you come to a fork in the road....Take it!

I didn't really say everything I said.

You can observe a lot by watching.

The future ain't what it used to be.

It gets late early out here.

It's deja vu all over again.

If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours.

I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question.

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Yoga List - Things a Yoga studio will not allow

Lame ducks

Foregone conclusions

Non-edifying behavior

Nuclear proliferation

Being badgered to death

Binge drinking

Hissy fits

Magic realism

Walking the plank

Montezuma's Revenge

Moving the goalposts

Flying off the handle

Beating a hasty retreat

Nautical phrases

Mickey Finns

Channel surfing

Glass ceilings

Crocodile tears

Jaws of death

Pots calling the kettle black

Technicolor yawns

Teflon presidents

The third degree

Raising Cain

Urban myths

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Yoga List - Type of student you will find in a Yoga class

Wet Blanket

Doubting Thomas

Back Seat Driver

Fashion Victim

Dead Ringer

Devil's Advocate

Diamond in the Rough

A Dope

Loose Cannon

Mad Hatter

Bag Man

Scapegoat

Son of a Gun

Yes Man

One-hit Wonder

Peeping Tom

Wolf In Sheep's Clothing

Shit for Brains

Stool Pigeon

Sick Puppy

Whipping Boy

Straw Man

Bad Egg

Basket Case

Blonde Bombshell

Blue Blood

Clod-Hopper

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Yoga List - What a Yoga teacher will expect from you during a Yoga class

Let sleeping dogs lie

Live and let live

Pay the piper

Schmooze

Shoot the breeze

Zilch

A sea change

A shot in the arm

Baptism by fire

Bated breath

Blow your mind

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Yoga List - Additional services you can expect to find at a Yoga studio

Water divining

Molybdomancy

Aura balancing

Aeromancy

Tarot reading

Trepanation

Sanskrit translation services

Myomancy

Crop circle interpretation

Anthropomancy

Alien abductees counseling

Causimomancy

Ear candling

Speleotherapy

Renal/rectal philology

Empyromancy

Dowsing

Colonic cleansing

Scatoscopy

Craniosacral therapy

Extispicium

Reading Tea Leaves

Tring-ba

Vedic Astrology

Uromancy

Clairvoyance

Geloscopy

Snake handling

Monday, January 07, 2008

Yoga List - What the Teacher is doing while you are in Savasana

Mexican Wave

Pulling the Wool Over Their Eyes

Pushing the Envelope

Quality Time

Running out of Steam

Safe Sex

Shaking a Leg

Zigger Zigger

Being all Ears

Beats Me

Calls it a Day

Going with the Flow

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Yoga List - What not to say to a Yoga teacher during class

Woe is me

The blind leading the blind

Break A leg

You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think

Yada yada

What's up Doc?

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things

Throw in the towel

That's all folks!

Talk to the hand

You've got to be kidding!

Yucky

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing

Tell it to the marines

Abandon all hope ye who enter here

Hasta la vista, baby

Et tu, Brute

Elvis has left the building

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Yoga List - Yoga poses we hope we never see

Chew the Cud

Flip The Bird

Fly on the Wall

Foam at the Mouth

Balls to the Wall

Chicken with its Head Cut Off

Red Herring

Fly in the Ointment

Three Dog Night

Charley Horse

Drop like Flies

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

Eye of Newt and Toe of Frog, Wool of Bat and Tongue of Dog

Dirty Rat

Kick the Bucket

Not Have a Leg to Stand On

An Eye for an Eye, a Tooth for a Tooth

Cold Turkey

Cold Duck