Yoga News - The YogaDawg Blog is Suspended

This blog has been suspended due to complaints about inappropriate Yoga content by concerned Yogis, official Yoga organizations, Yoga Stars and the country of India.

The Organization for True Yoga, the Center for Yoga Seriousness and the Yoga Alliance against the Deformation of Yoga have accused YogaDawg with crimes against Yoga including the blatant attempt at undermining the seriousness of Yoga. These organizations claim that too many Yogis have begun laughing during Yoga classes which YogaDawg have actively encouraged them to do. The Ashtanga and Iyengar schools are especially disturbed by these “damn laughing Yogis.”

Meanwhile, the newly created U.S. Department of Yoga have accused the “My Third Eye Itches” blog with undermining the Yoga economy of the United States by encouraging Yogis to stay home to surf the YogaDawg web site and in the process to start a home practise instead of contributing to the Yoga economy by buying bulk Yoga class passes, Yoga mats and clothes, Yoga conferences, Yoga cruises, Yoga magazine subscriptions and CDs of creepy Yoga music. In addition, YogaDawg is being pursued by the U.S. Department of Yoga Injustice for running an irreverent Yoga contest and trying to sell crappy t-shirts through his alleged money-laundering operation in Largos, Nigeria.

Several unnamed Yoga Stars have joined in a call for the complete shutdown of the YogaDawg blog and website claiming liable and deformation of character. They have reported a drop in revenues from their Yoga kingdoms and queendoms due to the seditious nature of YogaDawg’s so called “Yoga humor” on the site. Tom Cruise is rumored to support this action due to YogaDawg’s refusal to sell him a YogaDawg t-shirt.

Yoga News - OSHA Issues YogaTeacher Rating Guide

John Sixpack
For Yoga Industry News

WASHINGTON – In response to complaints from an ever growing legion of Yogis, new guidance from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) will help Yogis select and understand the appropriate Yoga teachers when taking a Yoga class. The document, Yoga Teacher Safety Rating Guide, was released today by the agency. "This guidance document will aid Yogis in the safe selection of a Yoga teacher." said Assistant Secretary of Labor for OSHA, Edwin G. Foulke, Jr.

Improper selection of Yoga teachers can result in pose failure, misalignment or slippage, which in turn can lead to injuries or death. OSHA accident data for the years 2005 through 2007 show that there were numerous injuries in Yoga studios involving Yoga instruction.

OSHA intends to format the final product for use on the Web. With the document in web format, a Yogi can quickly get information on the type of Yoga teacher he or she is practicing with without having to look through material that is provided on individual Yoga studio websites (which in most cases tends to be exaggerated and totally lacking in credibility).

“We hope that this new rating system will be adapted by studios and that Yoga students will inquire of individual teachers where they fall on this rating scale.” Mr. Foulke said. “In any event, we feel that this Yoga teacher rating scale should go a long way in guiding the student to the proper teacher and thus prevent injuries in the long run,” he added.

The New OSHA Yoga Teacher rating scale:

1. Initiate
2. Novice
3. Ascetic
4. Monk
5. Sadhu
6. Guru
7. Boddhisattva
8. Yoga Star


1. Initiate

Skills:

- Can communicate with students and novice teachers about mundane Yoga subjects
- Can adjust students but only once per student per class
- Can hear Yoga gossip from far away
- Can spot and wear trendy Yoga clothes


2. Novice
Skills:

- Can apply aromatic oils on the feet and forehead of students during Corpse pose
- Able to silence questions by renegade Yoga students by telling them "Everything is illusion”
- Can detect bad yoga attitudes in their students
- Has training in Yoga teacher BS
- Able to make a moderate income from Yoga teaching


3. Ascetic

Skills:

- Can communicate with advanced (Monk and above) teachers
- Can detect Yoga posers in their classes
- No longer has a need for trendy yoga clothes
- Able to detect illusions. If questioned by a student, they can say “some illusions are more illusory than others”
- Can increase in wealth by teaching Yoga workshops.


4. Monk

Skills:

- Can lead teacher training classes
- Able to be seated in lotus position for extended periods of time
- Can heal students of their Yoga illusions along with some ham-string injuries
- Will only eat vegetables (or meat from animals that have died of natural causes).
- Can wear elaborate saffron robes
- May be a wanderer or a resident at an ashram


5. Sadhu

Skills:

- Has limited clairvoyance
- May teach classes while being naked
- Limited possessions: loin cloth, trident, alms bucket and occasionally, cigarettes and a cell phone.
- Able to teach in the marketplace or other public locations where they exhibit their Yoga skills to the general populace (and, consequently, act as recruiters for certain Yoga studios)
- Able to charm snakes, climb invisible ropes, lie on beds of nails, fire walk and survive burial
- Able to levitate themselves up to a height of 50 feet but are reluctant to do so in public


6. Guru

Skills:

- Unlimited levitation of objects
- Able to have sex without karmic ramifications
- Wear white robes which ordinary students are forbidden to touch
- Has an entourage of lesser Yoga (Astetic and below) teachers to teach the class
- Fully clairvoyant
- Masters of illusion and misdirection
- Has the ability to summon gods and demons
- May wear an elaborately feathered hat made in Tibet


7. Bodhisattva

Skills:

- Can charm supernatural beings and unruly students
- Can ride a magic carpet or magic yoga mat
- Can perscribe herbs to heal Yoga students
- Unlimited ability to do adjustments
- Has no need to shift illusions but rather can shift the expectations and attitudes of others
- Can acquire immense and unlimited wealth through opening a famous Yoga studio
- May wear virtually anything or nothing


8. Yoga Star

Skills:

- Can walk on water
- Able to raise the dead
- Can change water into wine (and back to trendy bottled water)
- Will practice tantric sex with select Yoga hotties in class
= Able to walk through walls
- Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
- Can turn cheap Yoga clothing into chic versions by lending their name to them
- Manifest unlimited wealth and fame from Yoga classes, conference and ads in Yoga magazines
- Can part major bodies of water

OSHA's Publication "Yoga Teacher Safety Rating Guide"

Yoga News - New Yoga Service – Kundalini Extraction

With the increase of people participating in the practice of Yoga, there has been a rise in the incidents of what is known as Kundalini Blockage. Symptoms of this condition include: sudden jitters, feelings of vertigo, foaming from the mouth, objects leaping off shelves or lights turning themselves on and off around the Yogi, a sudden lack of interest in shopping or even an urge to become an artist.

In the past, getting the Kundalini unblocked usually required much time and energy, usually spent in extended periods of time and great expense, in ashrams in India with famous Indian gurus. Now though, through the innovations of one Yoga studio in Washington, DC, the Kundalini can be unblocked or even removed in about an hour.

As explained by Kimberley of the Pinkdoor Places Yoga studio, “Kundalini Blockage happens when the energy in the root chakra, awakened by meditation or Yoga or even extreme bouts of shopping for Yoga clothing or Yoga mats at the GreatTranscendentalYoga SuperStore, is trying to move upward and encounters a block; often in the sacral or solar chakra. It grounds itself through the legs until the block above is released”. With that insight, Kimberly has perfected several techniques to wrestle the Kundalini from the junction of the 4 and 5 chakra. She will either sweet talk it (“Now doll, you know how fab you would look if you weren’t feeling so trapped and crawling around people’s spines”), try to sell it something from the Pinkdoor Places Yoga Boutique (“You would look darling in the new fav Pinkdoor Places Yoga Unitard”), threaten it (“Okay bitch, don’t make me have to go in there and lip-gloss you”) or finally beat it into submission while removing it completly from the Yogi if it is practically stubborn.

When asked what happens when the Kundalini is completely removed, Kimberly replied, “Oh, not much really. The Yogis just kind of start acting like the rest of the zoned out Gen X and Ys that tend to show up for my Yoga classes”.

A Yoga teacher extracting Kundalini from a Yoga student at the Pinkdoor Places Yoga studio.

Yoga News - Baron Flies

Jona Macivelli
For Yoga Flight News

Baron Baptiste, famed American Yoga Star, announced a new asana today that he calls the Super Fly. This asana allegedly allows the Yoga practitioner to fly around the Yoga studio.

Sources close to Mr. Baptiste explained that this new pose was in reaction to the pose called the Bumblebee discovered by Guru YogaDawg on a banana leaf found in the basement of the Baltimore Public Library and included in his SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy Series (See Yoga Lifts Off). The pose has enabled some Yogis to lift off their Yoga mats during Yoga classes.

Mr. Baptiste remarked “That Bumblebee pose ain’t nothing. Not only will the Super Fly have the Yogi flying around the studio, but the advanced position will have them walking on the ceiling”.

It is rumored that there is a buzzing sound that the Yogi makes at the back of the throat while practicing the pose.

Baron Baptiste flying over Singapore

Yoga Mats - Introduction

The Yoga mat is your most valuable piece of Yoga gear, so as a Yoga student, you must choose wisely which one you will purchase. The Yoga mat will be your Yoga home away from home and even in your home. You might be tempted to use a mat provided by the studio, but YogaDawg advises against this as they are very nasty things, and they tend to be very smelly and disgusting. They really should be lining dog kennels instead of being practiced on. If you do insist on using these because you don't believe anything written in My Third Eye Itches – A Yogic Guide or are too cheap, then be prepared to develop funky skin rashes, warts, boils and lesions on your feet, hands and face.

With Yoga mats now available everywhere from trendy coffee shops to upscale bars and saloons as well as in gas stations and even from those guys selling umbrellas and fake watches on the street corner, your selection options can be overwhelming. YogaDawg will describe the mats currently available from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore to make your mat buying experience easy and pleasant. These Yoga mats are all branded with the cool GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore logo which will instantly establish your credibility as a serious Yogi in any studio, world wide, as you roll it out in your next class.

Yoga Mats - Standard Yoga Mat

Our bottom-line mat is made from recycled PVC pipes, plastic shopping bags and flotsam and jetsam washed up on the beaches of New Jersey. They are made by imprisoned political dissidents from labor camps in China as well as select sweat shops in Central America and Brooklyn. The Standard Yoga Mat comes in one color only, brown (or slight variation depending on the color of the debris it is made from). Though slightly smelly and which has a tendency to disintegrate when exposed to sweat and leaves mat droppings on the studio floor after each use, you will nonetheless feel like a real yogi as you now own your very own Yoga mat.
Note: Some have reported vile reactions in people who may be sensitive to Industrial wastes, carbonvynalflouride and/or chemical and biological hazards.

Extra Thick Standard Yoga Mat
Same as above, only thicker.

Yoga Mats - It Ain’t Lavender Men’s Yoga Mat

Designed by Earl of San Antonio, this mat is crafted with the male Yogi in mind. With a saw dust surface and the smell of dirty gym socks, this mat will make the practice of Yoga a true pleasure for the male practitioner. Most exciting of all, it comes in real men's colors (no need to be embarrassed by those fem pastel color mats any longer). Colors include:

Moldy Mayo
Month-Old Sheets
Piss n Vinegar
Bathtub Ring
Pistolwhipped Peacock
Strip Club Floor
Greasy T-Shirt

Yoga Mats - MyPodSouthParkTripleLatte SuperMat

Just in for the holidays and perfect for the Gen Y and Gen X Yoga student. This mat comes complete with electronic key-chain type bulk class pass, iPod holder, and wireless Internet connection along with complementary gift certificate for the coffee shop of your choice. Included is the world famous Yoga instruction DVD: "You might as well do Yoga since you will never find a job while still living in your parents basement."