My Third Eye Itches - A Yoga Guide

Yoga News - The YogaDawg Blog is Suspended

2008-05-10T17:54:00.000-07:00

This blog has been suspended due to complaints about inappropriate Yoga content by concerned Yogis, official Yoga organizations, Yoga Stars and the country of India.

The Organization for True Yoga, the Center for Yoga Seriousness and the Yoga Alliance against the Deformation of Yoga have accused YogaDawg with crimes against Yoga including the blatant attempt at undermining the seriousness of Yoga. These organizations claim that too many Yogis have begun laughing during Yoga classes which YogaDawg have actively encouraged them to do. The Ashtanga and Iyengar schools are especially disturbed by these “damn laughing Yogis.”

Meanwhile, the newly created U.S. Department of Yoga have accused the “My Third Eye Itches” blog with undermining the Yoga economy of the United States by encouraging Yogis to stay home to surf the YogaDawg web site and in the process to start a home practise instead of contributing to the Yoga economy by buying bulk Yoga class passes, Yoga mats and clothes, Yoga conferences, Yoga cruises, Yoga magazine subscriptions and CDs of creepy Yoga music. In addition, YogaDawg is being pursued by the U.S. Department of Yoga Injustice for running an irreverent Yoga contest and trying to sell crappy t-shirts through his alleged money-laundering operation in Largos, Nigeria.

Several unnamed Yoga Stars have joined in a call for the complete shutdown of the YogaDawg blog and website claiming liable and deformation of character. They have reported a drop in revenues from their Yoga kingdoms and queendoms due to the seditious nature of YogaDawg’s so called “Yoga humor” on the site. Tom Cruise is rumored to support this action due to YogaDawg’s refusal to sell him a YogaDawg t-shirt.

Note: YogaDawg could not be located for comment. It appears that he has vanished even though there have been unconfirmed sightings of him, hanging out with Buddha and Elvis, in Las Vegas topless bars and New York City jazz clubs.

(Psst...for more really good funny shit, go here. Just don't let you-know-who know)

Yoga News - Where is YogaDawg

2008-05-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

Frank Zappato
For Yoga World News Report

The Yoga world is a little grimmer this week with the suspension of the fresh, funny and controversial Yoga blog, “My Third Eye Itches”. A coalition of Yoga organizations, Yoga Stars and even Tom Cruise, has apparently persuaded Yoga blogging interests to suspend operation of the blog. According to the notice posted on “My Third Eye Itches”, Sri Sri Baba Swami GuruYogaDawg, the brains behind the blog, has offended the Yoga establishment with his wry comments, keen observations and patent dismissal of the Yoga-Industrial-Complex.

While some in the Yoga community are citing a “vast conservative Yoga conspiracy”, other are convinced this all stems out of the fact that Tom Cruise masterminded this attempt to silence the YogaDawg blog. It appears that there has been a long time festering wound that continues to be chaffed with each attempt by Mr. Cruise to purchase a YogaDawg t-shirt. Though the two disciples at the non-profit YogaDawg foundation appear incredulous at this suggestion, they nevertheless feel that some sort of feud among serious Yogis has resulted in punitive action against the blog.

Meanwhile, the whereabouts of YogaDawg are unknown. His disappearing has sparked a massive dawg-hunt in the hopes of locating this most elusive and controversial Yoga writer. There have been unsubstantiated reports of YogaDawg being seen wandering among the sadhus in Tibet and being seen with Elvis in a Las Vegas nightclub. YogaDawg’s last confirmed sighting was on Apr 19th. Accompanied by a well known Yoga socialite and blogger, YogaDawg had attended a Kirtan at a Washington, DC Yoga studio. Kirtan master David Newman was seen having a spirited exchange with YogaDawg but refuses to comment on what was discussed.

Several major publications are posing the question, “Where is YogaDawg”?

Yoga News - OSHA Issues YogaTeacher Rating Guide

2008-04-29T03:42:00.000-07:00

John Sixpack
For Yoga Industry News

WASHINGTON – In response to complaints from an ever growing legion of Yogis, new guidance from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) will help Yogis select and understand the appropriate Yoga teachers when taking a Yoga class. The document, Yoga Teacher Safety Rating Guide, was released today by the agency. "This guidance document will aid Yogis in the safe selection of a Yoga teacher." said Assistant Secretary of Labor for OSHA, Edwin G. Foulke, Jr.

Improper selection of Yoga teachers can result in pose failure, misalignment or slippage, which in turn can lead to injuries or death. OSHA accident data for the years 2005 through 2007 show that there were numerous injuries in Yoga studios involving Yoga instruction.

OSHA intends to format the final product for use on the Web. With the document in web format, a Yogi can quickly get information on the type of Yoga teacher he or she is practicing with without having to look through material that is provided on individual Yoga studio websites (which in most cases tends to be exaggerated and totally lacking in credibility).

“We hope that this new rating system will be adapted by studios and that Yoga students will inquire of individual teachers where they fall on this rating scale.” Mr. Foulke said. “In any event, we feel that this Yoga teacher rating scale should go a long way in guiding the student to the proper teacher and thus prevent injuries in the long run,” he added.

The New OSHA Yoga Teacher rating scale:

1. Initiate
2. Novice
3. Ascetic
4. Monk
5. Sadhu
6. Guru
7. Boddhisattva
8. Yoga Star

1. Initiate

Skills:

- Can communicate with students and novice teachers about mundane Yoga subjects
- Can adjust students but only once per student per class
- Can hear Yoga gossip from far away
- Can spot and wear trendy Yoga clothes

2. Novice
Skills:

- Can apply aromatic oils on the feet and forehead of students during Corpse pose
- Able to silence questions by renegade Yoga students by telling them "Everything is illusion”
- Can detect bad yoga attitudes in their students
- Has training in Yoga teacher BS
- Able to make a moderate income from Yoga teaching

3. Ascetic

Skills:

- Can communicate with advanced (Monk and above) teachers
- Can detect Yoga posers in their classes
- No longer has a need for trendy yoga clothes
- Able to detect illusions. If questioned by a student, they can say “some illusions are more illusory than others”
- Can increase in wealth by teaching Yoga workshops.

4. Monk

Skills:

- Can lead teacher training classes
- Able to be seated in lotus position for extended periods of time
- Can heal students of their Yoga illusions along with some ham-string injuries
- Will only eat vegetables (or meat from animals that have died of natural causes).
- Can wear elaborate saffron robes
- May be a wanderer or a resident at an ashram

5. Sadhu

Skills:

- Has limited clairvoyance
- May teach classes while being naked
- Limited possessions: loin cloth, trident, alms bucket and occasionally, cigarettes and a cell phone.
- Able to teach in the marketplace or other public locations where they exhibit their Yoga skills to the general populace (and, consequently, act as recruiters for certain Yoga studios)
- Able to charm snakes, climb invisible ropes, lie on beds of nails, fire walk and survive burial
- Able to levitate themselves up to a height of 50 feet but are reluctant to do so in public

6. Guru

Skills:

- Unlimited levitation of objects
- Able to have sex without karmic ramifications
- Wear white robes which ordinary students are forbidden to touch
- Has an entourage of lesser Yoga (Astetic and below) teachers to teach the class
- Fully clairvoyant
- Masters of illusion and misdirection
- Has the ability to summon gods and demons
- May wear an elaborately feathered hat made in Tibet

7. Bodhisattva

Skills:

- Can charm supernatural beings and unruly students
- Can ride a magic carpet or magic yoga mat
- Can perscribe herbs to heal Yoga students
- Unlimited ability to do adjustments
- Has no need to shift illusions but rather can shift the expectations and attitudes of others
- Can acquire immense and unlimited wealth through opening a famous Yoga studio
- May wear virtually anything or nothing

8. Yoga Star

Skills:

- Can walk on water
- Able to raise the dead
- Can change water into wine (and back to trendy bottled water)
- Will practice tantric sex with select Yoga hotties in class
= Able to walk through walls
- Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
- Can turn cheap Yoga clothing into chic versions by lending their name to them
- Manifest unlimited wealth and fame from Yoga classes, conference and ads in Yoga magazines
- Can part major bodies of water

OSHA's Publication "Yoga Teacher Safety Rating Guide"

Yoga News - New Yoga Service – Kundalini Extraction

2008-04-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

With the increase of people participating in the practice of Yoga, there has been a rise in the incidents of what is known as Kundalini Blockage. Symptoms of this condition include: sudden jitters, feelings of vertigo, foaming from the mouth, objects leaping off shelves or lights turning themselves on and off around the Yogi, a sudden lack of interest in shopping or even an urge to become an artist.

In the past, getting the Kundalini unblocked usually required much time and energy, usually spent in extended periods of time and great expense, in ashrams in India with famous Indian gurus. Now though, through the innovations of one Yoga studio in Washington, DC, the Kundalini can be unblocked or even removed in about an hour.

As explained by Kimberley of the Pinkdoor Places Yoga studio, “Kundalini Blockage happens when the energy in the root chakra, awakened by meditation or Yoga or even extreme bouts of shopping for Yoga clothing or Yoga mats at the GreatTranscendentalYoga SuperStore, is trying to move upward and encounters a block; often in the sacral or solar chakra. It grounds itself through the legs until the block above is released”. With that insight, Kimberly has perfected several techniques to wrestle the Kundalini from the junction of the 4 and 5 chakra. She will either sweet talk it (“Now doll, you know how fab you would look if you weren’t feeling so trapped and crawling around people’s spines”), try to sell it something from the Pinkdoor Places Yoga Boutique (“You would look darling in the new fav Pinkdoor Places Yoga Unitard”), threaten it (“Okay bitch, don’t make me have to go in there and lip-gloss you”) or finally beat it into submission while removing it completly from the Yogi if it is practically stubborn.

When asked what happens when the Kundalini is completely removed, Kimberly replied, “Oh, not much really. The Yogis just kind of start acting like the rest of the zoned out Gen X and Ys that tend to show up for my Yoga classes”.

A Yoga teacher extracting Kundalini from a Yoga student at the Pinkdoor Places Yoga studio.

Yoga News - Baron Flies

2008-04-25T04:02:00.000-07:00

Jona Macivelli
For Yoga Flight News

Baron Baptiste, famed American Yoga Star, announced a new asana today that he calls the Super Fly. This asana allegedly allows the Yoga practitioner to fly around the Yoga studio.

Sources close to Mr. Baptiste explained that this new pose was in reaction to the pose called the Bumblebee discovered by Guru YogaDawg on a banana leaf found in the basement of the Baltimore Public Library and included in his SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy Series (See Yoga Lifts Off). The pose has enabled some Yogis to lift off their Yoga mats during Yoga classes.

Mr. Baptiste remarked “That Bumblebee pose ain’t nothing. Not only will the Super Fly have the Yogi flying around the studio, but the advanced position will have them walking on the ceiling”.

It is rumored that there is a buzzing sound that the Yogi makes at the back of the throat while practicing the pose.

Baron Baptiste flying over Singapore

Yoga Mats - Introduction

2008-04-23T03:55:00.001-07:00

The Yoga mat is your most valuable piece of Yoga gear, so as a Yoga student, you must choose wisely which one you will purchase. The Yoga mat will be your Yoga home away from home and even in your home. You might be tempted to use a mat provided by the studio, but YogaDawg advises against this as they are very nasty things, and they tend to be very smelly and disgusting. They really should be lining dog kennels instead of being practiced on. If you do insist on using these because you don't believe anything written in My Third Eye Itches – A Yogic Guide or are too cheap, then be prepared to develop funky skin rashes, warts, boils and lesions on your feet, hands and face.

With Yoga mats now available everywhere from trendy coffee shops to upscale bars and saloons as well as in gas stations and even from those guys selling umbrellas and fake watches on the street corner, your selection options can be overwhelming. YogaDawg will describe the mats currently available from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore to make your mat buying experience easy and pleasant. These Yoga mats are all branded with the cool GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore logo which will instantly establish your credibility as a serious Yogi in any studio, world wide, as you roll it out in your next class.

Yoga Mats - Standard Yoga Mat

2008-04-21T03:39:00.000-07:00

Our bottom-line mat is made from recycled PVC pipes, plastic shopping bags and flotsam and jetsam washed up on the beaches of New Jersey. They are made by imprisoned political dissidents from labor camps in China as well as select sweat shops in Central America and Brooklyn. The Standard Yoga Mat comes in one color only, brown (or slight variation depending on the color of the debris it is made from). Though slightly smelly and which has a tendency to disintegrate when exposed to sweat and leaves mat droppings on the studio floor after each use, you will nonetheless feel like a real yogi as you now own your very own Yoga mat.
Note: Some have reported vile reactions in people who may be sensitive to Industrial wastes, carbonvynalflouride and/or chemical and biological hazards.

Extra Thick Standard Yoga Mat
Same as above, only thicker.

Yoga Mats - MyPodSouthParkTripleLatte SuperMat

2008-04-05T05:21:00.001-07:00

Just in for the holidays and perfect for the Gen Y and Gen X Yoga student. This mat comes complete with electronic key-chain type bulk class pass, iPod holder, and wireless Internet connection along with complementary gift certificate for the coffee shop of your choice. Included is the world famous Yoga instruction DVD: "You might as well do Yoga since you will never find a job while still living in your parents basement."

Yoga Mats - Natural Dried Grass Yoga SuperMat

2008-04-01T04:23:00.000-07:00

Made from grass clippings from the lawns of America. They are compressed under pressure. The Natural Dried Grass Yoga SuperMat does not have the normal artificial 'sticky' support, you find on other mats, but rather a more natural grip provides by small sticks and pebbles embedded in the surface.

Note: Don't use if you are sensitive to herbicides, pesticides, allergies or doggy-doo.

Yoga News - UFOs Abduct Iyengar – New Yoga Tabloid Debuts

2008-03-29T02:20:00.000-07:00

Dock Bay
For Yoga Crime Gazette

Excited shoppers are grabbing copies of the newest tabloid newspaper to hit supermarket checkout stands. What surprised most market analysts, is how successful this paper appears to be in the crowded tabloid market. When asked about the apparent success of the tabloid, the publisher and editor Guru YogaDawg explained, “Well, with only about 127 women left in the country not doing Yoga, how could this paper not be a success? Everyone has wanted an alternative to the stodgy magazine, Yoga Journal. Now that they have it and they can’t get enough of it!”

World Yoga News features articles from around the Yoga world and even outer space which no other media will touch or report on. In-depth Yoga reporting covers such stories as:

Autopsied Alien Discovered in Love Triangle with Rodney Yee and Colleen Saidman

Patabbhi Jois takes up Pilates

Seane Corn cuts her Hair

Elvis seen with Buddha at Los Vegas Nightclub

Shiva Rea Lost in Space during Dance Trance Workshop

Baron Baptiste removes his Bandana

Dalie Lama Quits. Becomes a Ski Bum in Aspen

National Enquirer has countered this threat to its tabloid empire by added an all new Yoga celebrity section.

Praise for World Yoga News

George Bush – At last a newspaper that doesn’t make me feel stupid and doesn’t trash any of my policies.

Dick Chaney – Shut up George and stop saying stupid shit!

Rodney Yee – Do you think that love triangle will hurt my video sales?

Colleen Saidman - Shut up Rodney and get into Childs pose.

Harry Potter – YogaDawg makes Yoga more fun then Quidditch.

JK Rowling – Shut up Harry. I knew I should have killed your ass off in the last book...

Yoga News - New Yoga Music CD is a Hit

2008-03-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

Marsha Bloom
For Yoga Industry News

Dr. Psycho’s Lonely Rehab Kirtan Band is a new exciting Kirtan CD that is being spun not only in Yoga studios around the world but also climbing in the pop music charts. Praised as “an unsurpassed adventure in concept, sound and songwriting”, this revolutionary ‘Yoga music’ CD has captured both the Yoga and pop market by surprise. From the title song’s blasts of loud yogic Ujjayi breathing and fuzz sitars to the multi-channeled chanting and long, dying primal scream at the end of tune, 'That’s Hot (Yoga)', the thirteen tracks on Dr. Psycho’s Lonely Rehab Kirtan Band is the next evolution in the Yoga music.

Consisting of a trio of rehab pop divas; Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and one Celebutante; Paris Hilton, this Kirtan quartet that goes by the name of The YogaDawgs, is creating buzz in the Yoga industry. “This is one insane album. It’s the only thing the students want me to play in the studio,” explained Gobdev, owner of 'Say it ain’t Yoga' Yoga studio. With songs having been penned by all four members of the group; 'I don’t want to go to Yoga', 'Fuck me Lululemons', 'Monkey man, Hanuman' (Amy Winehouse); 'Opps – I varted again in Happy Baby pose', 'Get Naked Yoga', 'Toxic side angle Twist' (Britney Spears); 'Confession of a broken Yogi', 'Anything but Headstand' (Lindsey Lohan) and 'That’s Hot (Yoga)' (Paris Hilton), this CD has something for every Yogi.

How The YogaDawgs came together to record this CD has been a bit of a mystery, but sources close to the singers say that they had all apparently come under the spell of the elusive and controversial, GuruYogaDawg, while they were in rehab (See Britney Does YogaDawg and Paris Does YogaDawg). The biggest surprise of the group was the addition of Paris Hilton. While not a ‘pop diva’, Hilton’s little known 2002 CD, Paris, reached number six on the Billboard 200 for a week. As Winehouse explained, “Hey, that bitch can play a mean tambourine.” Asked how they choose the name of the group, Britney Spears replied “We were going to call ourselves the “Rehabs” but that was already taken.”

Cynical critics have attributed the success of the CD to the multi-billion dollar Yoga industry and the lucrative Yoga music circuit. “Everyone knows that there is money in that scene. This is the first ever Yoga/ pop music cross-over sensation,” explained John March of Pop MusicToday. “Just as drugs, sex and rock and roll produced the Beatles Sergeant Pepper record 40 years ago; this YogaDawgs CD is what booze, rehab and Yoga produced today. It’s so whacked. With everyone in America doing Yoga, no wonder it’s a hit. I need some blow!"

Meanwhile, Natalie Cole, who had trashed Amy Winehouse for winning 4 Grammys this year, was asked what she thought about this CD. “What is this monstrosity? I am so sick of these skinny ass, crack hos. And what the fuck is yoga?” she replied.

Click to Enlarge

Yoga News - Ex-Gov Spitzer – Further Revelations

2008-03-25T05:01:00.000-07:00

Jimmy Olsen
For Yoga Crime Chronicals

On the heels of the investigation involving Ex-Gov. Eliot Spitzer over the call-girl scandal, another revelation has come to light regarding Spitzer’s secret life outside the governor’s office. Investigators have revealed that the ex-governor, in addition to having liaisons with prostitutes in a Washington DC hotel, had also apparently been engaged in partner yoga in an Eastern Shore yoga studio. The Yogic Love Shack yoga studio, located by a mosquito infested marsh outside Golden Hill, MD (a 2 hour drive from DC), is home to a style of yoga that involves using partners.

While some in the small town have reported seeing black limousines out there by the Yogic Love Shack from time to time, most dismissed them as pols from Washington going duck hunting. “I knew there was some funny stuff going on out there, but I thought it was just Chaney (Vice President Dick Chaney) shooting up barns and road sign that he likes to do when he comes out here”, explained Hal Cromwell (Organizer and president of the Muskrat Beauty Pageant).

In any event, investigators said Spitzer was clearly a repeat customer who spent thousands of dollars on high-priced partner yoga workshops over an extended period of time. It was also said that some of the money even went towards private yoga sessions with a yogini named Shakti.

What is remarkable about all this is the fact that the FBI has videotape showing Spitzer engaging in partner yoga. “We knew that he was indulging in some kind of perversion over there in that shack, but couldn’t decide what we should focus on, prostitution or partner yoga”, explained agent Ben Miller. “I mean, that assisted Down Dog he was doing was pretty sick,” he added.

In the court papers, a Yogic Love employee was quoted as telling Shakti that Client 9 — Spitzer, according to investigators — "would ask you to do things that ... you might not think were safe," and Shakti responded by saying: "I have a way of dealing with that. ... I'd be, like, listen, dude, you really want to do headstand?"

The Yogic Love Shack on Maryland's Eastern Shore and Owner Buddy "Sundance" Lee

Yoga News - A YogaDawg Yoga Contest -Name That Yoga Star

2008-03-23T01:21:00.000-07:00

Prizes, Prizes, Prizes!
Test your Yoga Star knowledge!
Have fun matching the item to the Yoga Star!
Thrills and Spills!
Hurry! Don't wait!

...okay, so the contest is kind of lame, but there are prizes:0

Name That Yoga Star

Yoga Shopping - The PatanjaliYoga Portable Yoga Studio

2008-03-09T05:39:00.000-07:00

Now own your very own Yoga Studio. A complete collapsible Yoga studio, made of 100% recycled cardboard stock with biodegradable cloth hinges that allows you to set up your very own Yoga studio in a matter of seconds in your own living room. The PatanjaliYoga Portable Studio is designed from the specifications as described in the Yoga Sutras. It includes a Buddha, a Mandela and an Om symbol etched in henna on the surface as well as a view of the Himalayas.

GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore - The AhimsaYoga Knives Collection

2008-03-03T03:41:00.000-08:00

A full set of kitchen knifes that don’t cut and cleavers that don’t chop so as to be better able to live non-violently. Features exclusive DoNoHarm cutting surfaces that are rust free and maintains its dull edge longer than most traditional kitchen knives.

Yoga News - Group Demands Economic Stimulus Package for Yoga Studios

2008-02-27T03:43:00.000-08:00

Amy Beniker
For The Yoga Economist

WASHINGTON - With stocks gyrating wildly, panic in the housing market and talk of recession, concern is being voiced among the presidential candidates about rescue plans for the American people. What is little known is the concern among Yoga studio owners of plunging class attendance and short falls in the sales of Yoga props. With Yoga students mortgaged to the hilt, threatened by joblessness and having used their high end condos as ATM machines during the real estate boom of the last few years, these Yogi BoBos have suddenly found that the extravagance prices of yoga classes are no longer viable and have been abandoning studios in droves.

A group of studio owners and yoga stars has formed a coalition to petition the government for an economic stimulus package for Yoga studios. They have chosen Dennis Kucinich, former Democratic presidential candidate to lead this coalition. Even though he has dropped out of the presidential contest due to lack of interest among voters (outside of a contingent of disgruntled, sexually frustrated old fogies in Florida due to his campaign slogan of, "I'm old, I’m short, but I get the babes.", in apparent reference to his tall, young, smokin' hot wife), the coalition, nonetheless, felt that Mr. Kucinich would be the perfect candidate to present their demands to congress.

What is little known to the general public is the fact that Mr. Kucinich is a practitioner of Agni Yoga. "He is one of our own", remarked Jeani-ji, owner of Yikes Yoga in LA. With election-year calls to establish a cabinet level Department of Yoga (to capture the "Yoga Mom" votes), the coalition feels that Mr. Kucinich is the ideal person to push a proposal to get rebates for yogis who purchase bulk class passes of 10 or more. "This should help jump start the faltering Yoga economy", Jeani-ji said. "We are also proposing a so-called bonus depreciation to allow yoga studio to deduct 50 percent of business investments made this year as well as generous write-offs on yoga props and paraphernalia."

Several of the presidential candidates, both Democratic and Republican, rolled their eyes when informed of the proposal that Mr. Kucinich was pushing. Sen. John McCain, meanwhile, remarked, "And I thought Ron Paul was nuts!"

Dennis Kucinich levitating in front of a group of Yoga studios owners

Yoga News - Madonna Does Yoga in India: Requests Villagers to Vacate

2008-02-25T03:54:00.000-08:00

Brother Satya
For India Yoga Magazine

DECHU, India – Material girl Madonna has become the center of yet another controversy as she allegedly requested an entire Indian village to be vacated in order for her to practice Yoga. The pop singer and her British filmmaker husband Guy Ritchie spent New Year's Eve in the ShaktiYogi Hotel in Dechu village in the northern Indian desert state of Rajasthan. It appears around midnight; she decided that she wanted to do some Yoga.

Deepankar Tamil, the front desk clerk for the hotel, said that Madonna called to request that the hotel be cleared of guests so she could begin her yoga practice. "I thought this was a bit strange, but when she requested that, in addition to the hotel, she wanted the whole village to be cleared, I wondered if she was perhaps smoking some ganga", Mr. Tamil explained. "Thinking that she was perhaps pulling my leg and having a good joke on me, I asked if she also wanted the cows removed. Well, at that, she started speaking in a voice that sounded like a cross between Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and Pat Robertson. It was really spooky," Mr. Tamil added.

This is not the first time that Madge requested that people be vacated around her so she could do Yoga. A few weeks ago, the 49-year-old singer was told to stop talking by an instructor at a sports club yoga class. According to the New York Post, this prompted the unimpressed star to shout out, "I want you all to leave!" All 25 students and the teacher abandoned the studio.

Even though it is not clear how many people actually vacated the village, there are some reports of sadhus disappearing. Whether this is due to Madonna's request or advanced siddis that they practice remains unclear.

When the Minister of Information for India, Raj Kulatunga, was told of the incident, he replied, "Well, I hope she doesn’t decide to do Yoga in Bombay. I don't know where we would move all the people."

Indian village before and after Madonna does Yoga

Yoga Pose - Introduction

2008-02-23T05:46:00.000-08:00

Now that you learned all about Yoga styles, studios, teachers, students and Yogatude, it is now time to dive into the nitty-gritty of this Yoga stuff; the Yoga pose. Though some authorities on Yoga claim that they have identified 184,112,873 Yoga poses, we will safely discard all of them. YogaDawg will reduce that ridiculous number of poses (and their funny Sanskrit names, by the way) to a more manageable 12. YogaDawg has packaged these 12 poses in an easy to learn, patented, copyrighted and litigation loaded sequence that is sure to get you on your way to becoming a great Yogi in no time at all.

This series of unique poses, called The SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy Method ®, was discovered by YogaDawg, and hand developed for the unique American Yoga market by YogaDawg himself, along with his famous two disciples, MadDawg and HotDawg (formerly Born and Maiden America). This diligent study of Yoga has blessed us with a beautiful sequence of poses that provides maximum results with minimal effort, while most importantly of all, no sweating. This has been achieved by performing this sequence of poses in special chilled Yoga studios somewhat resembling meat lockers. (If you happen to find yourself in a room surrounded by slabs of beef, don't be concerned as this will be a temporary arrangement with a local butcher shop and the Yoga studio while the studio space is being serviced).

We will now examine the poses in detail. (A special thanks to YogaDawg’s next door neighbor, Fred, for the excellent demonstrations of the poses).

And now for a brief commercial break...

2008-02-09T09:57:00.000-08:00

My Third Eye Itches has been honored by Grounding Thru the Sit Bones and Yoga Pulse as one of their 10 most liked blogs. Thanks guys. Here is my list...

Grounding Thru the Sit Bones

Linda's Yoga Journey

Yoga Pulse

Diary of a Bad Buddhist

Barefoot Bhakti

The Accidental Yogist

Yogaraj

Soul Exchange

Cupcakes and Yoga

Yoga Squirrel Cage

...Now back to our regularly scheduled program....

Yoga Pose - The Britney

2008-02-09T04:21:00.000-08:00

Background - This pose came about by the excellent rendition of the Brahma Bull that YogaDawg saw Britney Spears performing for the Paparazzi. YogaDawg was so impressed with this advanced variation that Britney was doing that he decided to add it to his SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy Method ®.

Pose - Same as the Brahma Bull but this advance variation will have you using Yoga props to use as Brahma horns during the execution of this pose. Don’t forget to breathe and smile for the cameras.

Yoga Pose - The Hen Pecked

2008-02-01T04:16:00.000-08:00

Background - Developed by MadDawg, one of the two disciples of YogaDawg and the handsome husband of HotDawg. This is homage to the feminine, the Ma or Mother, as wife and bearer of the hardships of afternoon Yoga classes and shopping. As chores and beer cans piled up, money gambled away and jobs were lost, the Yogi was inspired by his observation of others of the male species and incorporated that insight into this Yoga pose.

Pose - The teacher will start with a line of philosophically based questioning such as, "When are you going to cut the lawn" or "When are you going to look for a job." "When are you going to turn the TV off and get off the damn couch" or maybe even the daunting, "What the f*#*% is your problem you lazy SOB?" As you ponder these questions, you will give a blank and passive look at the teacher. You might chant the mantra, "Soon dear" or "I already did," or maybe even "I'm going to play cards at the bar with Fred and the guys." Your challenge will be to remain absolutely passive as you repeat these mantras. The advance version of this pose will have you lying down on your mat as you snore serenely. Don't forget to breath.

Benefits - This will find you serene in even the most stressful of situations. Said to be highly effective in divorce court and when dealing with your wife's divorce lawyer.

Yoga News - Iyengar to Buy Ashtanga for $16.5B

2008-01-29T02:56:00.000-08:00

Mark Jones
For Yoga Economic News

In a move that is hoped to finally bring peace and healing to the fractured Yoga world, Iyengar Yoga has agreed to buy Ashtanga Yoga in a $16.5 billion deal that will create the world's largest Yoga School. This historic merging of the two styles will close the schism that was created many decades ago when the founders drifted in separate directions. Though both claimed to be doing the "True Yoga" (both had been taught by the same Yoga master), it had led to much strife, name calling, back stabbing, grand standing and show boating among the teachers and students of each style.

The new Yoga School, which will be called Iyentanga (trading symbol IYGA), will be the world's largest Yoga School with $16.6 trillion in assets mainly from Yoga props. BKS Iyengar, founder and chief executive of Iyengar Yoga, will serve as executive chairman of Iyentanga, with overall responsibility for the integration of the two Yoga Schools. Madonna was given the nod to serve as chief executive officer of the new combined School. Mr. Iyengar acknowledged her brilliant 'acting' of Yoga in her films and what nots. Geeta Iyengar will be in charge of getting the Ashtangis to stop their loud Ujjayi breathing during class and quit all that jumping around from pose to pose that they are known for.

When asked if Iyengar was going to acquire any other Yoga Schools, Mr. Iyengar mentioned that both the Jivamukti and Anusara schools looked tempting.

In the meantime, Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, head of the Ashtanga School of Yoga, when asked about his current plans, said "Sharath and I are going to relax on the beach at Goa and watch the babes for awhile. We are kind of tired from all those jump throughs and jump backs after all these years." It has been reported that Mr. Jois is contemplating his next venture. "We are looking at Pilates very closely."

Yoga News - Clinton Proposes new Department of Yoga

2008-01-28T03:04:00.000-08:00

Julie Spank
For Yoga Political Review

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire -- Democratic presidential hopefuls traded barbs over the war in Iraq, health care, taxes and even Yoga Sunday night in New Hampshire. The stunner of the evening came when Hillary Clinton announced her intention of establishing a new governmental department once elected President which would be named the Department of Omland Yoga.

John Edwards responded by saying that he would ban incense in Yoga studios due to health issues explaining that this would be the centerpiece of his health care reform package (Edwards apparently took a cue from Michael Bloomberg’s ban on incense in yoga studios in New York City). Dennis Kucinich, who is known by many as "The Peace Candidate" and who is a Yoga practitioner, chanted Om three times while he did one complete Sun Salutation. Meanwhile, some in the audience claim they heard Barack Obama exclaim under his breath, “What the fuck?”

This is not the first time that Hillary Clinton has stunned critics and opponents with her unorthodox method of calling attention to herself while going after a segment of the population for their vote. From her blatant attempt to woo the southern male voter by showing up at a speech wearing an outfit that showed “cleavage” to the calculated cackling she has been spewing to gain support from the “hysterical Right”, this appears to be a move to get the “Yoga moms” behind her in her bid for president. Though creating a department of Omland Yoga is not a new idea for the Democrats (See Establishment of Department of Yoga on Pelosi's Agenda), this is the first time it has showed up as a proposal by a major presidential candidate.

When Clinton was asked how she was going to reach out to the approximately 27 women left in American that don’t practice Yoga, Clinton replied, “I’m sure Bill will come up with something.”

On the Republicrat side of the issue, Lynn Chaney was reported as saying,” Dick, put down the damn shotgun and get me my Yoga mat.” Ann Coulter meanwhile, when asked her thoughts about the proposal from Hillary Clinton, replied, “That bitch is such a skank, though is Bill kind of hot!”

Yoga News - Chi to Chai – Buddha Cries

2008-01-27T15:22:00.000-08:00

Nothair Not-There
For Yoga Siddhi Today

A small Yoga studio in Seattle was shaken when during a Saturday morning Yoga class, a Yoga teacher her students at the studio discovered that a bronze Buddha statue looked as if it had been crying. The statue, bought from Pier 1 Imports and placed on a window sill of the Yoga studio, sheds drops of moisture from its eyes that puddles in a pool of liquid at the base of the statue.

"At first, I thought there was a hole in the roof and rain was dripping on the statue”, explained Jenny Satcrest, "but the more I looked, the more it appeared like the Buddha was truly crying. What’s really crazy about this is that it only happens during Yoga classes!" Confirmed by several Yoga students at the studio, the statue "cries" faster or slower depending on what postures the class is doing. "The harder the pose, the more it seems to weep and it stops completely when either we sit in silence or are in Corpse pose", explained Ms. Satcreat "I’ve experimented with that statue and can really get it weeping if I announce to the class that we are going to do partner poses or do some chanting. Then I notice that there is a torrent of tears coming from the statue. It’s almost as if the statue has taken on a personality of likes and dislikes of certain poses and wonder if it is channeling the chi of my students."

This story gets even stranger as to the explanation of what the tears are made of. Ms. Satcreat swears it is the sweetened green chai that’s sold in Starbucks. When asked how she came to conclude that the tears were composed of this, she said, "Well, after mopping up time after time, I finally had the nerve to dip my finger in the liquid, smell and taste it. It blew my mind what it turned out to be!" When asked how she could be so sure that it is green chai, Ms. Satcreat said she stops by the local Starbucks everyday for her green tea fix and said she can identify the taste anywhere.

Others aren’t so taken with the crying Buddha though. When a rival Yoga studio was asked about this, the owner replied, "Well, I won’t be impressed until that Buddha starts dispensing Frozen Orange Crème, Triple Shot Espresso, soy blended Frappuccinos with whipped cream on the top."

Meanwhile, Starbucks is losing no time with a new marketing campaign incorporating Buddha with the slogans, "Forget non-attachment. I want my Starbuck Chai!" and "What would Buddha drink?"

Yoga List - What's In/What's Out for Yoga in 2008

2008-01-25T05:03:00.000-08:00

Click here for the complete YogaDawg Yoga list for 2008