Having been at this for over 5 years, I realize that some of my best stuff is buried and new readers might not have read. This is a new series where I resurrect some fun posts from the past.
I always thought this was really good. A mash up of two pieces I found around the same time, "Is your child a tagger" and "How to tell if your child is a masturbator". Not sure how I find this stuff, but sometimes it all works together to make a good yoga satire. And yes, if you look close, I was so new to yoga at this point that I didn't know a dristhi from a bindi...
(Click on graphic to see detail)
St. Mary of Toledo
For Yoga is Evil Magaizine
OM-MY (Outraged Mothers against Monstrous Yoga) presents its handy guide to help you quickly detect if your child is a yogi.
With its relentless march into mainstream society and the infiltration into America’s most stellar institutions; schools, playground, churches; Yoga has become a hideous blight in this country. We at OM-MY (Outraged Mothers against Monstrous Yoga) are committed to preventing this insidious hazard from ruining your kid’s childhood and life. We feel that the first line of defense to help children combat the war on yoga are their parents. They are in the best position to see yoga usage in their children as well as to stop it. It is a hard process to overcome but there have been many mothers at OM-MY who have dedicated themselves with this serious problem. Through their dedication and persistence, children and their family have fought the yoga battle and won.
The first step in stopping this disgusting aberration is to become familiar with the styles of yoga that are practiced today. OM-MY will supply you with information on the various styles (also called Schools) of yoga, what they looks like, side effects, terminology, lingo, and of course keeping parents updated on other information about other new styles of yoga emerging out in your children's world.
If you want to be successful in warning your child about the dangers of yoga, then start by talking to them about yoga at an early age. It has been suggested that parents start as early as three or four to help keep them from practicing yoga in the future. This early start can give your child a fighting chance against peer pressure (and also from teachers that are involved in this heathen practice) once he or she enters kindergarten and grade school. This little edge might assist your child in making a very important decision about doing yoga.
There are certain signs that may suggest that your child is doing yoga. These include, physical evidence, physical or biological signs, and behavioral changes.
Physical evidence is an obvious way to tell that your child may be involved in yoga.
Have you found any exotic yoga paraphernalia in their room or on their persons such as:
- Yoga mat and/or yoga mat bag
- Block or colorful strap
- Neti pot
- Vedic trident
- Alms bucket
- Loin cloth
- Yoga class pass
- Incense *
* Even though incense is associated with the practice of yoga, please be aware that it might just indicate your child is doing drugs which we feel is perfectly acceptable in normal childhood development.
You may also notice behavioral changes in your child. Some of the more bizarre and chilling are:
- Cheerful in the morning.
- Peaceful with an uncanny smile on their face (don’t assume that is their normal smirk).
- Initiate conversation with parents
- Found in strange positions (sometimes resembling a human pretzel and occasionally standing on their heads)
- Perfect posture while standing or sitting with an unusually straight back
- Heard making odd noises such as long ‘moaning’ that sound like Om (while not having sex)
- Loud breathing (while not having sex) This is sometimes called Ujjiyi breathing in the yoga world.
- Will walk younger siblings to school
- Grades improve
- Hangs out with new friends who are more calm and peaceful than your normal teenager
- Their eyes are open and wide (as if taking in the wonders of the world)
- They smell like spices and incense from India
Probably the most telling sign that your child might be a yogi is if you see the following on their person:
- Clothes with strange symbols on them (Om is the most popular)
- Clothes that are brightly colored and revealing
- Has a dot on their forehead
- Have tattoos of the wheel of dharma, yin yang, om and other foreign symbols
If you suspect your child is a yogi, do not "freak out". Before telling your teens how you feel or what they should do, LISTEN!!! More often than not, your teens will have a reason for doing yoga, so LISTEN. The best way to eliminate symptoms of yoga is to treat the disease. (The problems your teen has in his/her life.)
In extreme cases, an intervention might be necessary to save your child from yoga. This could be anything from holding the child in a room as members of the family persuade the child regarding the evils of yoga. In extreme case, there might be a need to call in a deprogrammer or even an exorcism. Though some children can never be saved from yoga (and sadly some ending up becoming yoga teachers or even worse, opening up a yoga studio) it is nonetheless, possible to prevent this by early yoga detection.