Karmic Klutter Syndrome (KKS)

YogaDawg, the leader in Karma Management techniques is pleased to announce a new program that is helping people live happier lives by managing their Karmic Klutter tm

Are you experiencing bad luck, misfortune and personal suffering in your life? Do you feel sad, scattered, listless with a lack of energy? Are your antidepressants failing you? Well, you may have Karmic Klutter Syndrome (KKS) and not even know it.

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS

Sufferers of KKS report symptoms such as welts, dry heaves, piles, unexplained weeping, sneezing, wheezing , halitosis, lumps, bumps, the frumps, dry humps, dumb looks, dumb luck, plantar warts, the willies, the nillies and the heebie-jeebies.

This condition is nothing to be ashamed of. Millions of everyday, ordinary people, just like yourself experience KKS. Unfortunately, they let the condition go on and on, sometimes for hundreds of lifetimes. We at the YogaDawg Karmic Klutter Research Center (YKKRC) know that one does not need to suffer this fate.

It is now possible to reduce Karmic Klutter tm, sometimes in as little as two weeks. Our remarkable staff of Karmic Kounselors tm has proved remarkable successful in clearing Karmic Klutter tm from our clients to help them achieve a true Klutter-Free Karmic tm existence.

Our staff
is always on call

Our clients have noticed remarkable achievements in their lives. Some have gone on from being pretentious bores to becoming stars in life; others have gone from being yoga students to becoming b-list yogis; a few have even joined the circus. One client recently reported to be next in line for the position of Dalai Lama.

For a small co-pay you will receive our valuable Kut Karmic Klutter tm technique and learn the steps to Kreative Karmic Konditioning tm.

Limited Time Special Offer: To the first 1,000 clients signing up for Kut Karmic Klutter
tm technique, you will receive, absolutely free, the patented Karmic Klutter Klever Kutter tm to help you really cut through the Karma Klutter tm.

Remember that the Kut Karmic
Klutter tm technique is the first and
only treatment for KKS.

TRAINED STAFF

Our staff is directed by the two disciples of YogaDawg, MadDawg and his lovely wife Hotdawg, who oversee a network of certified Karma Klutter Kounselors tm. All treatment takes place in our special Karmic Konditioned tm rooms

HotDawg and her handsome
husband, MadDawg, the two deciples of Guru YogaDawg

Reduce your misfortune level. Stop paying for a past lives. What goes around doesn't have to come around with the Kut Karmic Klutter tm technique

ENJOY THESE BENEFITS

Reduce Personal Suffering 50-90%

Eliminate Bad Luck in 2 - 4 weeks

Control Future Reincarnations

Avoid An Ill Fated Destiny

Remember that soul ownership is not required for the Kut Karma Klutter tm technique

HOW DOES IT WORK?

Metaphysicists believe the condition KKS typically develops when a person’s karma becomes compromised, leaving sufferers feeling less than best. The Kut Karma Klutter technique works by clearing stray karmas from building up in the chakra pathways and causing karmic blockage. Once cleared, the karmic sufferer gains a greatly improved sense of well-being and the ability to enjoy the benefits of their diminishing future lifetimes.

WHAT TO EXPECT

The Karma Klutter tm techniques offers the opportunity to live future incarnations to their fullest. You may experience a desire to do things in this lifetime that you thought of
putting off till next or several lifetimes down the road. You can expect to feel the effects almost immediately and several have reported winning the lottery soon after treatment.

SELF-DISCOVERY THROUGH THE KARMA KLUTTER
TECHNIQUE

The Karma Klutter tm technique helps sufferers see that no matter how much they have less is more.

Clients have reported:

• bouts levitation and levity

• increased ability to understand what animal are saying to them

• invisibility

• the ability to raise the dead

• improved social attention-getting skills

• able to complete the Ashtanga 5th series

• ability to leap buildings in a single bound

• x-ray vision

What Are You Waiting For?

Feel how good it is to be free of Karmic Klutter tm

Q. How do I get help for KKS?

A. The first step is to talk with your yoga teacher. Explain the symptoms you've been experiencing. The teacher may recommend an asana adjustment to determine whether there is an underlying physical reason for your symptoms. Your teacher may make a referral to a YogaDawg affiliated Karma Kounseler tm

Q. I just started treatment for my KKS. How long should it take for the Kut Karmic Klutter to start working?

A. The first goal of treatment is to relieve the symptoms of KKS that are disrupting your life. Symptom relief usually begins in a couple of weeks when starting treatment. Causation relief, on the other hand, is ongoing.

Q. I have been in treatment for KKS for a while now and am feeling better than ever. How long so I need to continue treatment?

A. The recommended length of treatment with KKS tends to be indefinite. One of the long-term goals of treatment is to keep KKS from troubling you again. The Karmic Klutter tm technique is awaiting approval by leading spiritual leaders for long-term use.

Happy Karmic Klutter-free clients

Q. What if I decide to go off treatment?

A. No one likes to stay on treatment any longer than they have to, but if you stop treatment too soon, it could interfere with your recovery and progress. More importantly, as with many treatments, symptoms may result from stopping the medication, particularly when abrupt. Some clients have experienced symptoms including: floppiness, limbic atrophy, sensory disturbances (including electric shock sensations and tinnitus), blue balls (in males), uncontrolled sighning, financial lactation, silent weeping and genital twitching.

Q. I've heard some things recently about the Karmic Klutter technique and suicide". Where can I
get more information about that?

A. The Karmic Klutter technique is not associated with suicide. You may be confusing this technique with the “techniques” practiced in Bikram Yoga.

Q. I've heard some things recently about " the Karmic Klutter technique and sociopathology".
Where can I get more information about the social effects of the Karmic Klutter technique ?

A. The Karmic Klutter technique does not increase antisocial behavior in the patient. It may decrease the patient's sense of moral responsibility or social conscience. This is not out of the guidelines established for advanced yogic techniques

IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION

Problems can be avoided if you use the Kut Karmic Klutter tm technique only when you are able to immediately benefit from its effects. To fully benefit from the Kut Karmic Klutter tm technique clients are encouraged to engage in activities requiring exceptional mental, motor, and consumptive coordination. The the Kut Karmic Klutter tm technique is not for you if you have abruptly stopped using alcohol or sedatives. The technique should be done indefinitely. Side effects may include: uncontroled sighing, Blue Balls (in males), Necrotizing Fasciitis, dermal gloss, impulsivity induced consumption, silent weeping, PrPSc, excessive nasel hair growth (in females), Capgras Syndrome, inter-species communication and a complusion to only eat masa ball soup. Very rarely users may experience a need to change yoga styles.

TESTIMONIALS

"I should have cut my Karmic Klutter years ago" - Yogi

"It helped me get rid of my bandana" - Yogi

"See, I'm not nuts, just karmically kluttered." - Star

"It helps clear the snots from my nose" - Yogi

"I did, so now I can" - President

"Ha ha a ha ha ha ha ha ha ahhhhhhhhh" - Spiritual Dude

The YogaDawg Karmic Klutter Research Center (YKKRC) is a holy owned subsidiary of the non-profit YogaDawg Foundation.

Yoga makes me calm...

As the dude said, can you imagine how out of control he would be without yoga???

Harold Camping Explains The Real Source Of His End Of The World Predictions

When asked where he got his crackpot ideas about the end of the world predictions, Harold Camping answered, "From the Book of Dog!"

Well, of course, that explains everything...

Can someone please explain to me....

...what the hell is happening here...wait...what? Oh, I see...sex...whew, I thought it had something to do with yoga...woof, woof!!

Just In Time For Memorial Day - Lawn Chair Yoga

Having been at this for over 5 years, I realize that some of my best stuff is buried and new readers might not have read. This is a new series where I resurrect some fun posts from the past.

This came about from a post in the Yoga Journal Community where someone was finding items that looked like yoga poses. Well, after a six-pack of Kombucha, my lawn chair started to look like it was doing yoga...


YogaDawg's Lawn Chair Yoga - Get off your chair and let it do yoga!

"Mountain Pose"

"Plank Pose"

"Upward Facing Dog"

"Downward Facing Dog"

"Boat Pose"

"Plow Pose"

"Shoulder Stand"

See the full Lawn Chair Yoga Series here


And while you are at it make sure you pick up your essential summer yoga gear at the GreatTranscendentalYoga SuperStore

D'ohm..

The Simson's do a meditation class as seen on an Saturday morning cartoon shoe


After a couple of week, Homer, who now goes by the name Sri Omer become enlightened


In the meantime, Lisa is working on her tree pose and wants to be a world famous Yoga Star

Rapture Yoga - Your Final Yoga Class

(Click on graphic for more detail)

Welcome to the Day of Rapture. YogaDawg Studios is holding a final yoga class in which you are all invited. This will be a free class, but donations to fund the Save YogaDawg's Humor Foundation will be accepted. This special last class due to the Rapture will include these special End Days poses:

PutHeadBetweenLegsKissAssanaGoodbyasana

ArmsRaisedHighToReachAnAngelsHandasansa

Crucifixasana

ImComingHomeElizabethasana (aka FredSanfordOhMyHeartLamontasana)

BendOverAndI'llDriveYaToMemphisasana

UpTheCreekWithoutPaddleasana

CowgirlSurpriseasana

ImaGannaCountMyBlessingsasana

DontFearTheReaperasana

FallenAngelasana

OrnetteColemanJazzIsTheMotherFuckerDevilMusicasana

DamnItsHotWayDownHereasana

Thanks to YogaDawg's Facebook friends for the asanas. You guys are awesome.

Twisted Tridents of Truth - A History of Modern Yoga - The Last 10 Years

Twisted Tridents of Truth - How Yoga Journal Helped Turn American Yoga Into A Yoga Circus – The Last Ten Years Of Yoga in America

This new book traces the recent history of yoga in America. While other books have explored yoga from its humble beginnings in India (Yoga Body, Singleton) to the beginning of yoga in America (The Subtle Body, Syman), “Twisted Tridents of Truths” recounts the most significant period in yoga history; the period from 2001 to the present. This period coincides with Yoga Journal’s purchase by a media company resulting in the complete hegemony of the contemporary yoga imagery by the magazine and the resulting clownification of the ancient practice. This book explores the real history of contemporary yoga.

From the opening chapter, “Damn Hippies”, this book describes the true birth of popular American postural yoga one rainy morning at Woodstock, NY. The chapter, “La La Yogaland” finds the mass migration of yoga hipsters (yogsters) from across the country to LA where they begin to cash in on the yoga boom. This results in the epic struggle between hippie yoga and hipster yoga as described in the chapter “Yoga Wars”. While the yoga war rages on in yoga blogs, pop yoga magazines and with b-list yoga stars leading the charge against the stalwarts of “that good ole’ time yoga”, the warring factions of yoga unite to fight a common enemy that appeared from the heavens one clear fall morning to threaten all earth bound yogas. With the invasion of yoga practicing aliens and the hybrid yogas that they spawned, the chapter, “Extraterrestrial Yoga”, describes this invasion and the ultimate survival of earth yoga with the mass mutation between alien and earthling yoga. This is the yoga we see being practiced today in hip, new and expensive yoga studios described in the chapter, “American Yoga Circus”.

In this book, you will learn about:

Evil yoga studios

Brain washed yoga zombies

Tantric voodoo sex

Sumo wrestlers in bakasana

Horny guru lovers and the horny gurus who love them

Burned out yoga bloggers and b-list yoga stars who hate them

Tattooed hipster yoga freaks

Reincarnated harpies

Bengal tiger blood

Kombucha

Psychedelic hippie yoga chicks on acid

Origin and short history of the bed of nails

Angry white yuppie yoga hordes

Hippie gods

Sanskrit

Angelic yoga teachers practicing demonic yoga

Alien abducted sacred cows

Toesox

Laughing YogaDawgs

Indian leprechauns

Naked yoginis in partner poses (in artful black and white)

Spontaneous levitations in Saturday morning yoga classes

Deviant yoga gurus

Hot pants wearing guruettes

1969

Yoga gangsters eating sushi off of topless yoginis

The GreatTrancendentalYoga SuperStore

Goji berries

Outsourced Indian holy men

Black market mala beads

Ninja yogis riding unicorns

Yoga douche bags

Koka-Kula

Yoga conference whores

Disappearing elephants

Crying Buddhas

Fake birth certificates by orange men

Mysterious visitors dressed in black speaking Yoglish

Tainted yoga mats from China

Failed rockers finding new careers as kirtan singers (and their loyal yoga groupies)

Smokable cannabis yoga mats

Hairless, yoga studio, pretty boys

Transcended slime mold consciousness

Shitty siddhis

Saint that produces yoga blocks out of thin air (in Baltimore)

Yoga practicing extraterrestrials

American three ring yoga circus

World’s largest chapatti

The truth of the ultimate yogic colon cleanse

and more….


Available NOW in a yoga studio near you and soon to be a major yoga film starring Charlie Sheen, the Two Goddesses and all the Yoga Stars on the planet.

If they do this in a yoga class...

...I'm so out of there, but not before I check them out...woof, woof!

Buddha Takes A Yoga Class - From The YogaDawg Archives

Having been at this for over 5 years, I realize that some of my best stuff is buried and new readers might not have read. This is a new series where I resurrect some fun posts from the past.

I always thought this was pretty fun but never followed through with more then a few episodes. Anyway, Ana Brett shows up in here and always think she is the perfect foil for YogaDawg humor. Buddha Takes A Yoga Class.

And speaking of Ana Brett, check out the mild obsession with her during my Ana Brett week.

Ana Brett Week - Everyone loves Ana
Ana Brett Week - The Swami Loves Ana
Ana Brett Week - Not An Ordinary Girl
Ana Brett Week - Multiple Ana

And the infamous Ana and the Babas

She Wore a Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Yoga Tog Thingie

Sorry, I'm free associating with the title here because when I saw this I couldn't take my dristhi off of her...ahem, technique. Kino is really amazing and I'm such a sucker for this kind of yoga demonstation. Even though the hand stand thing she does is awesome, it's the fact that her feet are flat on the floor in downdog blows me away.

5 Woofs for technique, alignment and pose and one long Howl for the yellow two piece thingy...

And The Winner Of The Doga CoverDawg Contest Is...

...Molley! After the hundreds of entries (okay, the only 2 entries), our staff (okay, me) chose the most worthy contestant (okay, okay, I chose Molly because I know the owner...sheeese...tough crowd....) In any event, enjoy the cover and those transcendental dawg eyes she has!

Buddha's Apartment

SMBC Theater - Buddha's Apartment - watch more funny videos

Is Your Child A Yogi - From the YogaDawg Archives

Having been at this for over 5 years, I realize that some of my best stuff is buried and new readers might not have read. This is a new series where I resurrect some fun posts from the past.

I always thought this was really good. A mash up of two pieces I found around the same time, "Is your child a tagger" and "How to tell if your child is a masturbator". Not sure how I find this stuff, but sometimes it all works together to make a good yoga satire. And yes, if you look close, I was so new to yoga at this point that I didn't know a dristhi from a bindi...

(Click on graphic to see detail)


St. Mary of Toledo
For Yoga is Evil Magaizine

Press Release

OM-MY (Outraged Mothers against Monstrous Yoga) presents its handy guide to help you quickly detect if your child is a yogi.

With its relentless march into mainstream society and the infiltration into America’s most stellar institutions; schools, playground, churches; Yoga has become a hideous blight in this country. We at OM-MY (Outraged Mothers against Monstrous Yoga) are committed to preventing this insidious hazard from ruining your kid’s childhood and life. We feel that the first line of defense to help children combat the war on yoga are their parents. They are in the best position to see yoga usage in their children as well as to stop it. It is a hard process to overcome but there have been many mothers at OM-MY who have dedicated themselves with this serious problem. Through their dedication and persistence, children and their family have fought the yoga battle and won.

The first step in stopping this disgusting aberration is to become familiar with the styles of yoga that are practiced today. OM-MY will supply you with information on the various styles (also called Schools) of yoga, what they looks like, side effects, terminology, lingo, and of course keeping parents updated on other information about other new styles of yoga emerging out in your children's world.

If you want to be successful in warning your child about the dangers of yoga, then start by talking to them about yoga at an early age. It has been suggested that parents start as early as three or four to help keep them from practicing yoga in the future. This early start can give your child a fighting chance against peer pressure (and also from teachers that are involved in this heathen practice) once he or she enters kindergarten and grade school. This little edge might assist your child in making a very important decision about doing yoga.

There are certain signs that may suggest that your child is doing yoga. These include, physical evidence, physical or biological signs, and behavioral changes.

Physical evidence is an obvious way to tell that your child may be involved in yoga.

Have you found any exotic yoga paraphernalia in their room or on their persons such as:

- Yoga mat and/or yoga mat bag
- Block or colorful strap
- Neti pot
- Vedic trident
- Alms bucket
- Loin cloth
- Yoga class pass
- Incense *

* Even though incense is associated with the practice of yoga, please be aware that it might just indicate your child is doing drugs which we feel is perfectly acceptable in normal childhood development.

You may also notice behavioral changes in your child. Some of the more bizarre and chilling are:

- Cheerful in the morning.
- Peaceful with an uncanny smile on their face (don’t assume that is their normal smirk).
- Initiate conversation with parents
- Found in strange positions (sometimes resembling a human pretzel and occasionally standing on their heads)
- Perfect posture while standing or sitting with an unusually straight back
- Heard making odd noises such as long ‘moaning’ that sound like Om (while not having sex)
- Loud breathing (while not having sex) This is sometimes called Ujjiyi breathing in the yoga world.
- Will walk younger siblings to school
- Grades improve
- Hangs out with new friends who are more calm and peaceful than your normal teenager
- Their eyes are open and wide (as if taking in the wonders of the world)
- They smell like spices and incense from India

Probably the most telling sign that your child might be a yogi is if you see the following on their person:

- Clothes with strange symbols on them (Om is the most popular)
- Clothes that are brightly colored and revealing
- Has a dot on their forehead
- Have tattoos of the wheel of dharma, yin yang, om and other foreign symbols

If you suspect your child is a yogi, do not "freak out". Before telling your teens how you feel or what they should do, LISTEN!!! More often than not, your teens will have a reason for doing yoga, so LISTEN. The best way to eliminate symptoms of yoga is to treat the disease. (The problems your teen has in his/her life.)

In extreme cases, an intervention might be necessary to save your child from yoga. This could be anything from holding the child in a room as members of the family persuade the child regarding the evils of yoga. In extreme case, there might be a need to call in a deprogrammer or even an exorcism. Though some children can never be saved from yoga (and sadly some ending up becoming yoga teachers or even worse, opening up a yoga studio) it is nonetheless, possible to prevent this by early yoga detection.

Now this is Art

I'm not sure this was intended, but this is a very artsy shot..(and it's not black and white ;)



From Mi Pura Vida

Best New Yoga Mat Designs by LO

Lo nails it again with her "Most Controversial, Scandalous Yoga Mats of 2011". For more of her great mat designs, go here.

The first known yoga mat

Of course if you are really serious about buying a new yoga mat, you can always choose one of these...

What Happens When YogaDawg Decides To Take A Yoga Class

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Iyengar to buy Ashtanga for $16.5 billion - From the YogaDawg Archives

Having been at this for over 5 years, I realize that some of my best stuff is buried and new readers might not have read. This is a new series where I resurrect some fun posts from the past.

This is one of my first fake news pieces that caused a stir at the time it was posted and always liked it because it points out the rivalry that I saw going on between schools of yoga in certain studios that I was going to. Needless to say, I removed Pattabhi from the story so it doesn't come off dated (I still think it works).


Mark Jones
For Yoga Economic News



In a move that is hoped to finally bring peace and healing to the fractured Yoga world, Iyengar Yoga has agreed to buy Ashtanga Yoga in a $16.5 billion deal that will create the world's largest Yoga School. This historic merging of the two styles will close the schism that was created many decades ago when the founders drifted in separate directions. Though both claimed to be doing the "True Yoga" (both had been taught by the same Yoga master), it had led to much strife, name calling, back stabbing, grand standing and show boating among the teachers and students of each style.

The new Yoga School, which will be called Iyentanga (trading symbol IYGA), will be the world's largest Yoga School with $16.6 trillion in assets mainly from Yoga props. BKS Iyengar, founder and chief executive of Iyengar Yoga, will serve as executive chairman of Iyentanga, with overall responsibility for the integration of the two Yoga Schools. Madonna was given the nod to serve as chief executive officer of the new combined School. Mr. Iyengar acknowledged her brilliant 'acting' of Yoga in her films and what nots. Geeta Iyengar will be in charge of getting the Ashtangis to stop their loud Ujjayi breathing during class and quit all that jumping around from pose to pose that they are known for.

When asked if Iyengar was going to acquire any other Yoga Schools, Mr. Iyengar mentioned that both the Jivamukti and Anusara schools looked tempting.

In the meantime, Sharath, head of the Ashtanga School of Yoga, when asked about his current plans, said "I'm are going to relax on the beach at Goa and watch the babes for awhile. I'm kind of tired from all those jump throughs and jump backs after all these years." It has been reported that Sharath is contemplating his next venture. "I'm are looking at Pilates very closely."

Jenna does Bikram

Nothing succeeds like success. I was always perplexed by the popularity of Bikram but think the answer lies in the video. “People come to my class, they give up everything from their life. The mind is gone, spirit is gone. Those people come to me. I bring hope to them and give them brand new life.” explains a lot. Like those attracted to popular evangelical preachers, people who are hurting are looking for a change and anything novel enough might just nudge them enough to temporarily relieve the hurt. Take a new thing like yoga where you have to concentrate on the poses instead of your ‘issues’ and that might be the change they are looking for. Yoga is intense enough to temporarily shock you out of your current shit and stop the drama that has been dragging you down. The extreme heat of Bikram might add to the effect. OR I could be completely full of it...:)

In any event, you have to love the guy when he claims “You will never find anyone more pure than me.”

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Is your yoga sweaty (and smelly) then get this from Manduka

I think this would be a boom for the sweaty, hot yoga crowd though I found this quite useful as a travel towel. As I have a phobia with using public yoga mats (they really are gross and smelly) this is a good alternative to lugging your regular mat around when traveling. Place this over the mat and hopefully the disgustoids won’t make it to you body. I don’t have a sweaty practice so I can’t verify the claim that it grips when wet. I do like the anti-smell aspect though. Wish I could hand these out to those that are clueless how much they reek in class but alas…:)

The specs:

With COCONA® natural technology, the eQua Plus Mat Towel are woven with natural fibers extracted from recycled coconut shells. The yarn is infused with activated carbon which spreads and evaporates moisture and provides superior odor management by eliminating bacteria.

• 1.0 lb; 72” long x 26.5” wide
• Tightly-woven fabric produces a soft, suede-like feel
• Fabric becomes slip-resistant when damp
• Incorporates COCONA natural technology
• Infused with natural coconut carbon for enhanced drying properties and odor management

The Ashtanga Militia

Watch out Iyengis, the Ashtangis are mobilizing...by David Swenson