Friday, January 09, 2009
Monday, January 05, 2009
The YogaDawg List for 2009
Everything is in meltdown; housing, the economy, the polar ice caps; yogis are fleeing from yoga studios to hunker down in their homes for marathon sessions of yoga in an attempt to OM themselves from the chaos around them. The yoga mat is the last haven of safety from visions of an apocalyptic meltdown of civilization itself (Whew…).
High end yoga clothes and frivolous yoga stuff find their way into consignment shops and yard sales. Today’s hot new yoga fashion is 'fuggetabouit'. Target is the new Lululemon! Expensive organic, free range, yoga themed foods gives way to back-yard and balcony ‘yoga gardens’ spouting ‘real’ food. The hip new yoga mantra is,” less is more”.
But wait, there’s hope for 2009! All yogis Namaste for Obama to lead them from the economic Kali Yuga and save them from the abuses of the Yoga Industrial Complex. A yogic economic bailout is in the offering as the Yoga Progress Administration is initiated in the land. The most important thing to remember to do this year is to simply breathe….
Click here to take you to the list
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Iceland Adopts the Yogo
Bjork the Stork
For Yoga In Really Cold Places Magazine
In bankruptcy, Iceland is the first country to officially adopt the Yogo, the international yoga currency that has been slowly gaining acceptance with yogis worldwide. With food stocks down to 3 to 5 weeks, Iceland needs to quickly restore a proper foreign exchange market so importers can get back to normal business and avoid shortages, importers said on Wednesday.
Since the crisis broke out on the north Atlantic island of 300,000 people, involving the government taking over the top three banks, suppliers to Iceland have cut credit to importers. Some have also demanded pre-payment for goods. A possibility of real bread lines in the country, the prime minister called for drastic measures to stem the crisis.
“With the króna all but worthless, this Yogo is a good thing for Iceland”, said prime minister, Geir Haarde in a news conference. When asked why they would not accept a more formidable currency like the US dollar, the prime minister replied, “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha …cough, cough …cough, cough, cough …………”, as he went into a coughing fit.
The Yogo is of importance because with the global yoga economy reaching 800 trillion (in Euros), the Yogo had begun being used worldwide as the devaluation of global currencies continue, effectively replacing the US dollar for all yoga transactions. No downturn in business, even a global recession, has put a dent in the demand for yoga classes. The Yogo was developed as a currency of exchange among practitioners of yoga as a stable currency.
Though in dire straits, Iceland is not yet ready to take the extreme measures that North Dakota proposed of renaming the entire state, Yoga, to attempt to stop the out flux of population from the state to warmer climates. The concept though was not lost on the yoga practitioners there. “Well, I would love to see yoga play a more prominent part in the economy of Iceland. I don’t want to go back to fishing and Yogaland really doesn’t sound so bad for the country”, commented Olafur Ragnar Grimsson, President of Iceland.
The One and Hundred Yogo Bills
For Yoga In Really Cold Places Magazine
In bankruptcy, Iceland is the first country to officially adopt the Yogo, the international yoga currency that has been slowly gaining acceptance with yogis worldwide. With food stocks down to 3 to 5 weeks, Iceland needs to quickly restore a proper foreign exchange market so importers can get back to normal business and avoid shortages, importers said on Wednesday.
Since the crisis broke out on the north Atlantic island of 300,000 people, involving the government taking over the top three banks, suppliers to Iceland have cut credit to importers. Some have also demanded pre-payment for goods. A possibility of real bread lines in the country, the prime minister called for drastic measures to stem the crisis.
“With the króna all but worthless, this Yogo is a good thing for Iceland”, said prime minister, Geir Haarde in a news conference. When asked why they would not accept a more formidable currency like the US dollar, the prime minister replied, “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha …cough, cough …cough, cough, cough …………”, as he went into a coughing fit.
The Yogo is of importance because with the global yoga economy reaching 800 trillion (in Euros), the Yogo had begun being used worldwide as the devaluation of global currencies continue, effectively replacing the US dollar for all yoga transactions. No downturn in business, even a global recession, has put a dent in the demand for yoga classes. The Yogo was developed as a currency of exchange among practitioners of yoga as a stable currency.
Though in dire straits, Iceland is not yet ready to take the extreme measures that North Dakota proposed of renaming the entire state, Yoga, to attempt to stop the out flux of population from the state to warmer climates. The concept though was not lost on the yoga practitioners there. “Well, I would love to see yoga play a more prominent part in the economy of Iceland. I don’t want to go back to fishing and Yogaland really doesn’t sound so bad for the country”, commented Olafur Ragnar Grimsson, President of Iceland.
The One and Hundred Yogo Bills
Monday, December 29, 2008
Yoga News Special Report - First Chakra Transplant Performed
Zio Chang
For Yoga Medical News
The world's first chakra transplant was successfully carried out today by a team of 5 yoga teachers and several 200-hr teacher trained assistants at the Louisville General Yoga Studio, Kentucky.
The operation, which was led by studio owner Debbie Dean, was undertaken on an unnamed 54-year-old man. It took more than seven hours to complete. The donor Elsie, a 6-year-old heifer from Old McDonald's farm, had its Heart Chakra removed immediately after her death. It was rushed to the Yoga studio via Federal Express.
When questioned why the man needed a Chakra transplant versus a Chakra healing, Ms. Dean explained, "Look, this guy was turning into a grumpy old man whose piss poor attitude was upsetting everyone around him. When his wife first approached us, we thought Yoga would be enough to get a little joy out of him. But we were mistaken. We had decided that he needed some radical treatment".
Recovering well
Reading from a prepared statement on the steps of the Yoga studio, Ms. Dean said, "The patient, as far as we know, is satisfactory and recovering well". The man's wife reported that she thought she saw something like a smile on his face for the first time in 15 years. "It was kind of weak but that is to be expected since he hadn't smiled for so long". His reaction to the implant over the next 10 to 14 days is expected to be critical."
Ms. Dean, who was accompanied by the entire Chakra transplant team, said the operation lasted around two hours despite the fact they were working together for over seven hours. She added, "We expect the patient to begin sipping Mint Juleps and cheering for his favorite horse at the Kentucky Derby in a matter of months."
When asked why the Heart Chakra from a cow was used, Ms. Dean replied, "Well in India, the cow is sacred and it is well known that the cow Chakras are identical to those in the human being, so they can be transplanted". Ms. Dean was also asked if regular health insurance would cover a transplanted Chakra and she explained, "Not yet, but now that other Yoga studio owners see this as a new potential revenue stream, I'm sure that there will be a push to have this covered".
This current cost for a Chakra transplant range from $250 for the Root Chakra to $1,025 for the Crown Chakra.
Yoga patient undergoing a Chakra transplant
For Yoga Medical News
The world's first chakra transplant was successfully carried out today by a team of 5 yoga teachers and several 200-hr teacher trained assistants at the Louisville General Yoga Studio, Kentucky.
The operation, which was led by studio owner Debbie Dean, was undertaken on an unnamed 54-year-old man. It took more than seven hours to complete. The donor Elsie, a 6-year-old heifer from Old McDonald's farm, had its Heart Chakra removed immediately after her death. It was rushed to the Yoga studio via Federal Express.
When questioned why the man needed a Chakra transplant versus a Chakra healing, Ms. Dean explained, "Look, this guy was turning into a grumpy old man whose piss poor attitude was upsetting everyone around him. When his wife first approached us, we thought Yoga would be enough to get a little joy out of him. But we were mistaken. We had decided that he needed some radical treatment".
Recovering well
Reading from a prepared statement on the steps of the Yoga studio, Ms. Dean said, "The patient, as far as we know, is satisfactory and recovering well". The man's wife reported that she thought she saw something like a smile on his face for the first time in 15 years. "It was kind of weak but that is to be expected since he hadn't smiled for so long". His reaction to the implant over the next 10 to 14 days is expected to be critical."
Ms. Dean, who was accompanied by the entire Chakra transplant team, said the operation lasted around two hours despite the fact they were working together for over seven hours. She added, "We expect the patient to begin sipping Mint Juleps and cheering for his favorite horse at the Kentucky Derby in a matter of months."
When asked why the Heart Chakra from a cow was used, Ms. Dean replied, "Well in India, the cow is sacred and it is well known that the cow Chakras are identical to those in the human being, so they can be transplanted". Ms. Dean was also asked if regular health insurance would cover a transplanted Chakra and she explained, "Not yet, but now that other Yoga studio owners see this as a new potential revenue stream, I'm sure that there will be a push to have this covered".
This current cost for a Chakra transplant range from $250 for the Root Chakra to $1,025 for the Crown Chakra.
Yoga patient undergoing a Chakra transplant
Friday, December 26, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The Pose - A Holiday Tale
It happened in a Saturday morning yoga class. Exhausted from preparations for the holidays, the yogi was looking forward to a yoga session. During a particular pose, the yogi closed his eyes, felt a calm awareness and was surprised to find he was perfectly aligned. That had never happened before as he was a novice at yoga.
As he continued to hold the pose, the students around him smiled as they admired its perfect alignment. The teacher stopped teaching the class to study the pose and called other yogis into the studio to show it to them. As word spread, yogis from other studios gathered around to admire it also. All seemed to agree that they had never seen a pose done with such poise.
Those studying the pose became more flexible, felt happier; more alive. Wrinkles disappeared; digestion improved; aches and pains were relieved while glass jaws, rope burns, paper cuts, blackheads, spring fever, homesickness, halitosis, corns, bunions, warts, the heebie-jeebies, shyness, unexplained weeping, in-grown toenails and gunshot wounds were all mysteriously cured.
As word of the pose passed from yogi to yogi, it became the number one discussion on yoga blogs and websites. Photos of the pose were scanned, faxed, emailed, made into posters and appeared on billboards. It was featured on the six o’clock news. The pose made the cover of Yoga Journal and the magazine renamed itself, “The Pose”, shortly thereafter. Famous yoga stars started making yoga videos, writing yoga books and offering yoga workshops about the pose. The pose began to be referred to as “The Pose”.
Novelists incorporated The Pose into their books. A famous author penned a pivotal work titled “The Perfect Pose” which went on to become the best selling novel of all time. The novel was made into a movie; the movie was adapted to a one act play; the play was made into a musical which gave way to a major opera called “La Pose”. This made the Italians very happy. Consequently, ancient yoga texts were rewritten to include The Pose. Yoga scholars discussed it in new commentaries on said ancient texts and new scholarly works were written about it.
The Pose enabled people to sleep peacefully through the night (without snoring), charm cobras, leap buildings in a single bound, acquire untold wealth and speak fluent Sanskrit and Swahili. They also gained the ability to compose complex jazz melodies while walking in the park.
The Pose went on to win the Nobel Peace Prize for physics, a Heisman Trophy, an Oscar for best supporting actress and was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor by the President of the United States. A small pacific island nation changed its name to the Island of Pose, (Subsequently becoming the most prosperous nation on the face of the earth by offering workshops and conferences to teach The Pose to yogis around the world).
Endangered species began to reproduce rapidly, rescuing them from extinction. The lamb lay next to the lion and leprechauns were seen riding on unicorns. The sun always shined; the plants were always watered; the dog was always walked; the hole is the ozone was closed.
All creatures on the earth sang along to the Music of the Spheres; Gabriel blew his horn and the Sirens chanted hallelujah! Energy became unlimited and non-polluting; the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse got off their horses to practice The Pose…and…
As the yogi opened his eyes and came out of the pose, he remarked to himself, “I sure wish I was better at this yoga stuff…”
As he continued to hold the pose, the students around him smiled as they admired its perfect alignment. The teacher stopped teaching the class to study the pose and called other yogis into the studio to show it to them. As word spread, yogis from other studios gathered around to admire it also. All seemed to agree that they had never seen a pose done with such poise.
Those studying the pose became more flexible, felt happier; more alive. Wrinkles disappeared; digestion improved; aches and pains were relieved while glass jaws, rope burns, paper cuts, blackheads, spring fever, homesickness, halitosis, corns, bunions, warts, the heebie-jeebies, shyness, unexplained weeping, in-grown toenails and gunshot wounds were all mysteriously cured.
As word of the pose passed from yogi to yogi, it became the number one discussion on yoga blogs and websites. Photos of the pose were scanned, faxed, emailed, made into posters and appeared on billboards. It was featured on the six o’clock news. The pose made the cover of Yoga Journal and the magazine renamed itself, “The Pose”, shortly thereafter. Famous yoga stars started making yoga videos, writing yoga books and offering yoga workshops about the pose. The pose began to be referred to as “The Pose”.
Novelists incorporated The Pose into their books. A famous author penned a pivotal work titled “The Perfect Pose” which went on to become the best selling novel of all time. The novel was made into a movie; the movie was adapted to a one act play; the play was made into a musical which gave way to a major opera called “La Pose”. This made the Italians very happy. Consequently, ancient yoga texts were rewritten to include The Pose. Yoga scholars discussed it in new commentaries on said ancient texts and new scholarly works were written about it.
The Pose enabled people to sleep peacefully through the night (without snoring), charm cobras, leap buildings in a single bound, acquire untold wealth and speak fluent Sanskrit and Swahili. They also gained the ability to compose complex jazz melodies while walking in the park.
The Pose went on to win the Nobel Peace Prize for physics, a Heisman Trophy, an Oscar for best supporting actress and was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor by the President of the United States. A small pacific island nation changed its name to the Island of Pose, (Subsequently becoming the most prosperous nation on the face of the earth by offering workshops and conferences to teach The Pose to yogis around the world).
Endangered species began to reproduce rapidly, rescuing them from extinction. The lamb lay next to the lion and leprechauns were seen riding on unicorns. The sun always shined; the plants were always watered; the dog was always walked; the hole is the ozone was closed.
All creatures on the earth sang along to the Music of the Spheres; Gabriel blew his horn and the Sirens chanted hallelujah! Energy became unlimited and non-polluting; the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse got off their horses to practice The Pose…and…
As the yogi opened his eyes and came out of the pose, he remarked to himself, “I sure wish I was better at this yoga stuff…”
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Paparazzi Snap YogaDawg
Missy Enders
For Yoga Entertainment Today
The Yoga world is abuzz with the news that the paparazzi have snapped several pix of the elusive and controversial Guru YogaDawg practicing Yoga. In the past, using advanced Yogic Siddhas, YogaDawg has managed to elude the paparazzi by walking through walls, levitating out windows or completely disappearing before his picture could be snapped. Though these pictures are fuzzy, they are believed to be the real deal.
Reactions to the photos seem to run along the lines of surprise, delight and awe. Jackie Seng, a Yoga student, summed it up best, “I nearly fainted when I saw the photos, YogaDawg is hotter then we ever imagined. My girlfriends and I have been walking around in a daze all week. We also noticed that our Yoga has improved substantially. We love those cool hand mudras that he's using ”.
When Romey Satcha, President of the Council Against the Deformation of Yoga was asked to comment on this story, his reaction was, “What is this BS? Doesn’t anyone see that this is a blatant attempt to sell his stupid t-shirts? This guy is a menace to Yoga”!
For Yoga Entertainment Today
The Yoga world is abuzz with the news that the paparazzi have snapped several pix of the elusive and controversial Guru YogaDawg practicing Yoga. In the past, using advanced Yogic Siddhas, YogaDawg has managed to elude the paparazzi by walking through walls, levitating out windows or completely disappearing before his picture could be snapped. Though these pictures are fuzzy, they are believed to be the real deal.
Reactions to the photos seem to run along the lines of surprise, delight and awe. Jackie Seng, a Yoga student, summed it up best, “I nearly fainted when I saw the photos, YogaDawg is hotter then we ever imagined. My girlfriends and I have been walking around in a daze all week. We also noticed that our Yoga has improved substantially. We love those cool hand mudras that he's using ”.
When Romey Satcha, President of the Council Against the Deformation of Yoga was asked to comment on this story, his reaction was, “What is this BS? Doesn’t anyone see that this is a blatant attempt to sell his stupid t-shirts? This guy is a menace to Yoga”!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Yoga News - New California Yoga Ad Campaign
Wise Cracks
For Yoga Industrial Marketing and Merchandising Complex Magazine
With the slogan, "We’re nuts!", the Yoga Alliance of Real California Yoga Stars (YARCYS) has launched an integrated marketing campaign called 'Real California Yoga Nuts'. The campaign came about as it had become obvious that increasing numbers of Yoga Stars are being recognized in places other than California. This has resulted in reduced revenues for these California Yoga Stars, as increasing numbers of Yoga videos, merchandise, workshops and conferences are being produced outside the state. This campaign has brought together California Yoga Stars in a temporary truce in their on-going quest for Yoga fame and ultimate supremacy.
With the mass-market Yoga advertising bombardment of consumers, most people now accept that Yoga is a natural and healthy form of exercise. However, YARCYS feels that consumers need to be reminded of Real California Yoga or as spokesyogini Ana Forrest (famous American Yoga Star) put it, "...us California Yoga Nuts. We have a long tradition of Yoga here in California and we want to make sure the rest of the country and world does not forget this".
Another member of YARCYS, Shiva Rae (another famous American Yoga Star), explained the need for the California Yoga ad campaign, "Well, you know we were trying to outshine each other in our California Yogahood but seem to have lost sight that others outside the state were becoming famous and all that. I think it hurt all of us when we learned that they actually have Yoga studios in places like Iowa and Oklahoma!" The governors of those two states when asked for comments both replied along the lines of, "Nuts indeed…!"
New logo for the Yoga Alliance of Real California Yoga Stars
For Yoga Industrial Marketing and Merchandising Complex Magazine
With the slogan, "We’re nuts!", the Yoga Alliance of Real California Yoga Stars (YARCYS) has launched an integrated marketing campaign called 'Real California Yoga Nuts'. The campaign came about as it had become obvious that increasing numbers of Yoga Stars are being recognized in places other than California. This has resulted in reduced revenues for these California Yoga Stars, as increasing numbers of Yoga videos, merchandise, workshops and conferences are being produced outside the state. This campaign has brought together California Yoga Stars in a temporary truce in their on-going quest for Yoga fame and ultimate supremacy.
With the mass-market Yoga advertising bombardment of consumers, most people now accept that Yoga is a natural and healthy form of exercise. However, YARCYS feels that consumers need to be reminded of Real California Yoga or as spokesyogini Ana Forrest (famous American Yoga Star) put it, "...us California Yoga Nuts. We have a long tradition of Yoga here in California and we want to make sure the rest of the country and world does not forget this".
Another member of YARCYS, Shiva Rae (another famous American Yoga Star), explained the need for the California Yoga ad campaign, "Well, you know we were trying to outshine each other in our California Yogahood but seem to have lost sight that others outside the state were becoming famous and all that. I think it hurt all of us when we learned that they actually have Yoga studios in places like Iowa and Oklahoma!" The governors of those two states when asked for comments both replied along the lines of, "Nuts indeed…!"
New logo for the Yoga Alliance of Real California Yoga Stars
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Friday, November 07, 2008
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Free Yoga Mats
The Yoga Liberation Front demands Free Yoga Mats for the unemployed NOW! Support a bailout for yogis!!
Monday, October 13, 2008
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Friday, July 04, 2008
Yoga News - The YogaDawg Blog is Suspended
This blog has been suspended due to complaints about inappropriate Yoga content by concerned Yogis, official Yoga organizations, Yoga Stars and the country of India.
The Organization for True Yoga, the Center for Yoga Seriousness and the Yoga Alliance against the Deformation of Yoga have accused YogaDawg with crimes against Yoga including the blatant attempt at undermining the seriousness of Yoga. These organizations claim that too many Yogis have begun laughing during Yoga classes which YogaDawg have actively encouraged them to do. The Ashtanga and Iyengar schools are especially disturbed by these “damn laughing Yogis.”
Meanwhile, the newly created U.S. Department of Yoga have accused the “My Third Eye Itches” blog with undermining the Yoga economy of the United States by encouraging Yogis to stay home to surf the YogaDawg web site and in the process to start a home practise instead of contributing to the Yoga economy by buying bulk Yoga class passes, Yoga mats and clothes, Yoga conferences, Yoga cruises, Yoga magazine subscriptions and CDs of creepy Yoga music. In addition, YogaDawg is being pursued by the U.S. Department of Yoga Injustice for running an irreverent Yoga contest and trying to sell crappy t-shirts through his alleged money-laundering operation in Largos, Nigeria.
Several unnamed Yoga Stars have joined in a call for the complete shutdown of the YogaDawg blog and website claiming liable and deformation of character. They have reported a drop in revenues from their Yoga kingdoms and queendoms due to the seditious nature of YogaDawg’s so called “Yoga humor” on the site. Tom Cruise is rumored to support this action due to YogaDawg’s refusal to sell him a YogaDawg t-shirt.
Note: YogaDawg could not be located for comment. It appears that he has vanished even though there have been unconfirmed sightings of him, hanging out with Buddha and Elvis, in Las Vegas topless bars and New York City jazz clubs.
(Psst...for more really good funny shit, go here. Just don't let you-know-who know)
The Organization for True Yoga, the Center for Yoga Seriousness and the Yoga Alliance against the Deformation of Yoga have accused YogaDawg with crimes against Yoga including the blatant attempt at undermining the seriousness of Yoga. These organizations claim that too many Yogis have begun laughing during Yoga classes which YogaDawg have actively encouraged them to do. The Ashtanga and Iyengar schools are especially disturbed by these “damn laughing Yogis.”
Meanwhile, the newly created U.S. Department of Yoga have accused the “My Third Eye Itches” blog with undermining the Yoga economy of the United States by encouraging Yogis to stay home to surf the YogaDawg web site and in the process to start a home practise instead of contributing to the Yoga economy by buying bulk Yoga class passes, Yoga mats and clothes, Yoga conferences, Yoga cruises, Yoga magazine subscriptions and CDs of creepy Yoga music. In addition, YogaDawg is being pursued by the U.S. Department of Yoga Injustice for running an irreverent Yoga contest and trying to sell crappy t-shirts through his alleged money-laundering operation in Largos, Nigeria.
Several unnamed Yoga Stars have joined in a call for the complete shutdown of the YogaDawg blog and website claiming liable and deformation of character. They have reported a drop in revenues from their Yoga kingdoms and queendoms due to the seditious nature of YogaDawg’s so called “Yoga humor” on the site. Tom Cruise is rumored to support this action due to YogaDawg’s refusal to sell him a YogaDawg t-shirt.
Note: YogaDawg could not be located for comment. It appears that he has vanished even though there have been unconfirmed sightings of him, hanging out with Buddha and Elvis, in Las Vegas topless bars and New York City jazz clubs.
(Psst...for more really good funny shit, go here. Just don't let you-know-who know)
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