Thursday, March 31, 2011

Yoga Dangers and Diseases

With the yoga boom reaching epic proportions, new yoga diseases are appearing, while old ones are increasing in toxicity by mutating into more virulent strains. It’s the newly discovered exotic ones that have yoga health care workers most concerned with. Once confined to exotic and inaccessible parts of India, these newly discovered yoga diseases are now showing up in yoga studios in small town America. The Centers for Yoga Disease Control (CYDC) has issued a new list of yoga diseases. Ask your local yoga studio, yoga teacher training director or yoga care specialist for a copy.

In addition, the (CYDC) reports that yoga addictions are at an all time high.

Kulacosis
This disease occurs after the yoga practitioner spends obscene amounts of money to attend a yoga conference or yoga festival. After drinking the Kula-Aid there for several days, the practitioner finds that they are broke, having withdrawals and unable to face their yoga mat alone once they return home. Severe cases of this disease have found the practitioner selling all their possessions and eventually ending up living in a cardboard squat under a bridge while panhandling to collect enough money to attend their next kula gathering.
Note: Some with this disease have found temporary relief from a new product that goes by the name of Koka-Kula.

Quickyogaitis
A new disease which has erupted among the devotees of get-fit-quick yoga books. A steady diet of this type of yoga books and/or yoga classes has been shown to lead to empty spiritualism resulting in clogged religiosity. Symptoms may include an unfounded need to constantly look at one’s own ass. If left untreated, this disease has been shown to progress into the dreaded yoga condition known as Crown Chakra turning into a Clown Chakra (see below).


Crown Chakra turning into a Clown Chakra
A debilitating condition that yogis and some writers of yoga manuals develop after many years of practice. This condition is especially prevalent in yoga stars. There is no known cure for this condition, but some yogis have gone on to have promising careers in the circus.

Lulumentia
Occurs primarily among yoga practitioners of the privileged class. Named after the upscale yoga fashion store (WTF?!! $100 for yoga pants?? No f’in way…oops… sorry about that…). In any event, after habitually dressing in high end yoga clothes, the sufferer eventually loses touch with the reality of what yoga is really all about. Research has shown that a number of Lulumentia patients also tend to contract GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore Fatigue Syndrome (GFS) at the same time (see below).

GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore Fatigue Syndrome (GFS)
Reports show that this is an ongoing problem while shopping at the GreatTrancendentalYoga Superstore. For those who have developed GFS, noted symptoms include wandering aimlessly up and down the aisles, spontaneous meditation, or dropping suddenly into Corpse Pose. Due to the severe nature of this problem, the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore has established a toll-free hotline that yogis can call if they begin to notice symptoms of this condition. For assistance call 1 - 800 – Get - Karma.

Loinclothmentia
Related to Lulumentia. Happens when the practitioner mimics spiritual advancement to such a degree that they feel they no longer have a need for possessions including clothing. They eventually show up for a yoga class dressed in a loin cloth or in some rare cases, naked smeared with cow dung.

Kula Kumbaya Complex
An insidious mental condition that reduces the yoga practitioner to a kind of hive-think or cultic mindset that occurs within certain schools of yoga. The yoga disease results in co-dependent behavior that finds the practitioner thinking, talking, dressing, using jargon, laughing at inside jokes and generally acting like a jerk to fit in with the rest of the group. Switching to Pilates seems to bring relief to sufferers with this condition.

Smiley Face Syndrome
A condition that is happening at an alarming rate with the increase of inadequately trained yoga teachers. Finding themselves over their heads in an actual yoga class, they lapse into the quintessential posture of the yoga teacher, the smiley face pose. This symptom tends to fade over the years. Also known as Alfred E. Yogi Complex

Excessive Oppressive I Am Disorder
More commonly known as Yoga Douche Disorder, this disease is so powerful that it has been shown to clear out whole yoga studios when a deluded yoga practitioner starts explaining how much ‘progress’ they have made on the yoga path. Practitioners are especially prone to this disease after attending a yoga conference, a festival or a trip to India.

Blogawritis
With a few classes under their lulus, the practitioner contracts this disease which causes them start a yoga blog and then write long, stiff, rambling and boring post that somehow manages to say absolutely nothing about yoga. For an example of this click here .Believed to be related to another yoga condition known as #!?<<%*^&*itis (see below).

#!?<<%*^&*itis (Also known as @%%^&** Gravis)
This condition is caused by excessive yoga talk while in the yoga studio. Once you start taking too many yoga classes and hearing this yoga talk constantly, you’ll find yourself using this same yoga talk to all and sundry. You will know that you have developed #!?<<%*^&*itis when the following words begin showing up in your vocabulary outside the yoga studio: guru, mantra, Om, hatha, YogaDawg, namaste, shanti, kundalini, chakra, karma, dharma, or GreatTrancendentalYoga Superstore. Unless you are a yoga star, yoga teacher, or yoga studio owner, this can have unforeseen and negative consequences in your personal and professional life. This condition is sometimes accompanied by symptoms of Ompolar Disorder (see below).

Ompolar Disorder
Chanting Om at the beginning and end of yoga class can make some yoga students susceptible to Ompolar Disorder. While this practice can have a healthy and calming effect for the vast majority of yogis, you must be on the lookout for any negative side effects of Oming. Signs that you are developing this condition include any one of the following:
A . As you are chanting Om, you suddenly realize that there is a stunned silence in the studio. You will see all the other yogis, as well as the teacher, looking at you. Next you suddenly realize that you are chanting Om while everyone has stopped and that you are both loud and off key. The teacher will not chant Om in the future if you show up for class.
B . You are so into the Om chanting after months of practicing as a yogi, that you find yourself chanting Om in the middle of business meetings, in the checkout line at the grocery store, or other situations where Oming is clearly inappropriate. As you continue to do this, your husband and kids might:
1 . Have you deprogrammed?
2 . Commit you to a lunatic asylum


Pranic Reflux
A strange condition that develops with beginning and sometimes advanced students of yogic breathing, this usually occurs while trying to coordinate the breath to a yoga sequence of poses. Due to inattention or distraction, the yogi becomes confused as to whether he is inhaling or exhaling. As a result, the Prana starts to hiccup. Manifestations of this condition include jerky body movements while trying to hold a yoga pose or a skipping sound while chanting Om.

Blowing Out the Third Eye
Severe condition caused by the excessive practice of gazing inward. As the yogi relies on his ability to focus inwardly during a yoga class, the Third Eye can become agitated and start to itch from overuse. At this point it would be advisable to apply some GoodKarma salve (available at the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore, or ask your teacher if you can borrow some from her supply).

Gas Yogitis
An annoying condition that only happens in yoga classes, this is especially prevalent when other yogis are practicing close to you or while doing partner work. The cure for this is to practice at home, find a class with no people, or take liberal amounts of YogaGas-Ease (available at the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore) an hour before going to class.

Obsessive Adjustmentitis
This happens when a yogi has lost sight of the boundary between yoga and the real world. After a few months of getting adjusted in a yoga class, there is a clear problem of extending this behavior outside the yoga studio. You may find yourself adjusting sales clerks, your boss, or other innocent bystanders. This will not only piss them off, but you may possibly be charged with assault. Seek professional help as soon as possible for this condition.

Anatomanosis Nervosa
Usually occurs after attending excessive amounts of classes at a Nerd studio. The symptom of this condition is inability to refrain from using anatomical terms when referring to parts of the body outside of yoga class. Taking classes in any other style of yoga usually cures this condition.

Erectile Full Function Fibrillation
This is a male condition that occurs during a yoga class while getting an adjustment from a pretty, young yoga instructor. This occurs sporadically and has no known cure. If this condition persists, only practice yoga with instructors 90 years of age or over.

Mat Foot Cellulitis
A condition that causes rashes on the feet and legs of yogis, this occurs frequently when using yoga mats supplied by the yoga studio. This condition is also prevalent in Hell-type studios. You will first see a slow disintegration of your yoga mat before sprouting full-blown Mat Foot Cellulitis.


Yogasnarkolepsy

Happens when the practitioner confronts claims of yogic truth only to find that it is so much hooey, hokum, hogwash, hype and hocus-pocus. Causes a breakdown in the spiritual nervous system that results in the practitioner receding into a dark, dank, cynical place and reduced to the degrading condition of penning snarky posts and comments on yoga blogs. See this blog for a classic case of this.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Bikram's Watch

Okay, okay I know I posting more Bikram then even I care to so I promise to stop after this (unless he says some more crazy ass shit...:) Here is Bikram's million dollar watch...WOW, that's some watch!!



Monday, March 28, 2011

Friday, March 25, 2011

AMAZING NEW YOGA POSES!

Funny in a stupid way...



This Yoga Took A Turn For The Douche

I just hate it when I miss out on a great title for a post. In this case, This Party Took A Turn From The Douche by Garfunkle and Oates. Not sure which version I like the best but sing along with the remixed yoga lyrics below...

Fair Warning: Strong Language if you insist on clicking in...



We roll into yoga 'cause that's how we do
Shakti, Kali and the rest of the crew
Give a pass to my homegirl and watch that bitch go
She hits up the mat and puts on some flow

Teacher, can you help me with my yoga?

We're oming and groaning and the asanas are flowing
And I'm liking the direction this class is going
But then I look up and something has changed
Everyone in class looks fucking deranged

I look to my left, I look to my right
Nothing but speedos and sweat in sight
With supertight abs and a tight yoga ass
I swear this ain't the place I once took my class

Then the yoga noise starts to play
And the studio smells like x-body spray
I'm like a yogi without a care
Please tell me what the hell happened here

Yo, it ain't asana but you know it's the truth
This yoga just took a turn for the douche

For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin' douche
Thought it was a perfect yoga
Now it's just a lot of boga
This yoga just took a turn for the douche

I guess I can't beat em so I'm gonna join 'em
Need some douche phrases and I'm gonna coin 'em
Put my speedo on and I'm on my way
Gonna be a motherfuckin' douchebag today

Gonna groom my beard like a banyan tree
Wax off my chest like Mr. Yogi
Get a Buddhist tat, don't know what it means
But it makes me look deep to yoginis in their teens

Don't need no shirt, even though I’m so hairy
And leave 'em exposed to make me more scary
Fake tan so brown you can call me a Hindu
Lookin good for the slim sexy 'ginis with their bendos.

Got me more props than BKS
More yoga bling than Russell Simmons
And I'm doin the goji 'til my bowels grow boozy
Like a colon cleanse that leaves me woozy

Gettin crunk on kombucha with my brogis
I'm cooler than Baron wearing his bandanis
Doin’ Anusara to a body twist horror
Jivimukti till my mind grows spooky

Yeah, I'll drop a G for that organic hooch
This yoga just took a turn for the douche

For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin' douche
Thought it was a perfect yoga
Now it's just a lot of boga
This yoga just took a turn for the douche

We're an horde in the night like yuppie yogis
Movin like the yogis on yoga movies
I'm a VIP 'cause it says so on my pass
I use that class 'cause I got a yoga ass

I like my asana like I like my chai
Doing hot yoga shit like that Bikram guy

Did my last head stand like a circus clown
Feeling like a fool when my bod fell down
I ain't your student but I'll call you teach
Yeah, I get all metaphysical like sands on the beach

I'm holding up the beats like I'm Krishna Das
Girls are on the yoga floor shakin' their hotty hots
I'm cool like the Yee, fly like Patanjali
Checking out the ’gini and her naked belly

Girl's wax is Brazilian, her manicure's French
Patchouli is her signature stench
A dot on her forehead and tats on her ass
As she down dogs in the middle of class

Her ujjai as loud as my intentions to bang her
And I’m so flexible I will make her bod purr
I'm cooler than a cooly cool
That just the sight of me makes her drool

Everyone drowning in ajai juice
This yoga just took a turn for the douche

For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin' douche
Thought it was a perfect yoga
Now it's just a lot of boga
This yoga just took a turn for the douche (x2)

Om you, Om you, no Om you, no om you....


The original. Can't decide if I like the original or the highly produced one...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Yoga News - New Yoga Service – Kundalini Extraction


After reading on YogaDork about snake yoga, I couldn't help but to think of this from 2008.

With the increase of people participating in the practice of Yoga, there has been a rise in the incidents of what is known as Kundalini Blockage. Symptoms of this condition include: sudden jitters, feelings of vertigo, foaming from the mouth, objects leaping off shelves or lights turning themselves on and off around the Yogi, a sudden lack of interest in shopping or even an urge to become an artist.

In the past, getting the Kundalini unblocked usually required much time and energy, usually spent in extended periods of time and great expense, in ashrams in India with famous Indian gurus. Now though, through the innovations of one Yoga studio in Washington, DC, the Kundalini can be unblocked or even removed in about an hour.

As explained by Kimberley of the Pinkdoor Places Yoga studio, “Kundalini Blockage happens when the energy in the root chakra, awakened by meditation or Yoga or even extreme bouts of shopping for Yoga clothing or Yoga mats at the GreatTranscendentalYoga SuperStore, is trying to move upward and encounters a block; often in the sacral or solar chakra. It grounds itself through the legs until the block above is released”. With that insight, Kimberly has perfected several techniques to wrestle the Kundalini from the junction of the 4 and 5 chakra. She will either sweet talk it (“Now doll, you know how fab you would look if you weren’t feeling so trapped and crawling around people’s spines”), try to sell it something from the Pinkdoor Places Yoga Boutique (“You would look darling in the new fav Pinkdoor Places Yoga Unitard”), threaten it (“Okay bitch, don’t make me have to go in there and lip-gloss you”) or finally beat it into submission while removing it completly from the Yogi if it is practically stubborn.

When asked what happens when the Kundalini is completely removed, Kimberly replied, “Oh, not much really. The Yogis just kind of start acting like the rest of the zoned out Gen X and Ys that tend to show up for my Yoga classes”.

A Yoga teacher extracting Kundalini from a Yoga student at the Pinkdoor Places Yoga studio.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Sarah Does Delhi - A New Bollywood Film with Sarah Palin and Charlie Sheen

Kali Dali Ma Ma for the New Delhi Post



Famous American moose hunting politician, Sarah Palin, is rumored to star in a new Bollywood production to be titled, "Sarah Does Delhi". Ms. Palin's India trip on March 18 to give the keynote address, "My Vision of America," in New Delhi was extended for a few days so she could work on her first full length film.

Sources close to Palin say the movie will be “a song and dance production” with a host of b-list Indian actors and one washed up actor from the back wash of sitcoms in America. Charlie Sheen will co-star as the “village idiot of Sober Resorts”; a mythological place which is the background where the movie takes place (Mr. Sheen insisted that movie be named either "Tiger Blood" or "Winning Indian Style").



The list of song and dance tunes are:

I couldn’t find the darn slots at the Taj Mahal
Indian people have awesome tans
When I see a cow, I think hamburger
Delhi Belly
Dang, I thought India was in Indiana
India, Pocahontas and me
108 call centers
Eat, Poop, Cash Check
How come there aren’t any yoga mats in this here temple?
What’s with the red dots?
Remix: When I see a cow, I think hamburger (When I see a cow, I reach for my shotgun)

Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Queen of Yoga Humor



We have a new yoga humorist on the block and her name is Lo from the Y is for Yogini blog. She is one of the most original writers on the yoga blogging scene now and her piece titled, "Yoga Teachers: 10 Tweets Guaranteed to Get You Fired", is the funniest things that I have read recently.

My three favorites tweets from the piece:

‘When I say mula bandha, I MEAN the boom-boom area, the goods, the bizness. Crotches, tally ho!’

‘Only BABIES take child’s pose. Next class, I start handing out diapers!’

‘That rule about not banging your students? Heh. Just a guideline. #bootytapasana’

Hahahahahah....Go Lo and keep creating....and making me laugh!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Turkey Baba

This is one of the funniest things I found in the Yoga Journal archives (from 1982).



How to be the guru you were always meant to be

This reminds me so much of YogaDawg’s Steps to Yoga Stardom

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Retro Yoga Record Covers

These are great though I wonder what a scratchy and skipping yoga lesson would feel like...I guess when these were recorded yoga was at version 'yoga 1.60_70'






Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Collabrative Art of Amy Taylor Nolan

I love showcasing the art of yogi/artists because I believe there is a deep connection between the creative process and yoga. In this case, these collabrative artworks seem like a yoga class with teacher leading the students. Amy teaches yoga at True North Yoga in Paducah, Kentucky.





"For me Yoga started out as an outlet for exercise, quickly becoming something I needed for my ever spinning mind. Over the last ten years of practicing, not practicing, then coming back. Yoga has become a vital tool to keep me knowing the meaning of right now…this moment."

"I had planned to get my yoga certification seven years ago but life got in the way. Now, I’m in the middle of studying for my 300hr certification and will be teaching Precision Alignment Yoga as a student teacher as a part of this training. Ultimately I hope to teach yoga and art together “YogArt” when all is done! I’ve been an artist my whole life and hold a degree from WKU in Fine Art. So incorporating the centering aspect of yoga and then assisting the class in making art afterward! Everyone’s an artist, not good or bad, just different! I’ve said it before but worth stating again, “Not everything is a masterpiece nor should it be, but an exercise in releasing and most importantly HAVING FUN!”

From Amy's bio on the True North Yoga website

Monday, March 14, 2011

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

A YogaDawg Giveaway - Yoga Dogs

First there was the Yoga Sutras, then came the Hatha Yoga Pradipika; eventually Light on Yoga appeared to guide yogis in their quest for yoga perfection. Now comes the quantum leap for yoga with the ultimate yoga guide book ....YOGA DOGS.

Get a copy by sending an email to yogadawg@hotmail.com with Woof Woof in the subject line. Winner will be chosen at random from all emails received by Friday, March 11, 2011. I may be able to wrangle a couple more copies from the publisher if enough are interested. Will contact the winner by separate email for mailing address.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

A YogaDawg Quiz - Who Said It (Bikram Choudhury or Charlie Sheen)?

Somewhere in a parallel universe a pair of twins were spewed out from the loins of the Great Cosmic Mother with such force that it ruptured the firmament and caused the twins to be born to two different earth mothers in different countries at different times and eventually both ended up in La La Land.


INSTRUCTIONS: Place a B or a C in each set of quotes. When completed click on the link below to find out how you did.


1. They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives, and then they look at me and they say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will, stop trying. ____


What happens when they say they will commit suicide unless you sleep with them? What am I supposed to do? Sometimes having an affair is the only way to save someone’s life. ____

****

2. The nights I don’t sleep it’s because there’s a higher calling telling me to stand guard. ____

I'm feeling sleepy, because I haven't gone shopping for a long time. ____

****

3. I'm in show biz. I entertain people. ____

I am grandiose because I live a grandiose life; what’s wrong with that? ____

****

4. I should be the most honored man in the country. ____

I’m different. I have a different heart. I have a different type of blood. ____

****

5. We had a saying that the fun stops at one. They’d just puke all over it. ____

Don't throw up on the carpet. It's new. ____

****

6. I’m battle tested bayonets. ____

I'm bullet proof, waterproof, wind proof, money proof, sex proof, emotion proof, stress proof, strength proof. ____

****

7. Imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. ____

Nobody fucks with me. ____

****

8. I am special, and I will never be one of you! ____

I'm a product of Beverly Hills. ____

****

9. I control my kingdom like a gangster. ____

I look like a gangster? Well, I feel like a gangster. ____

****

10. We are a totally fucked up society. ____

This is like a sober acid trip. ____

****

11. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin rock star from Mars‏. ____

What are they eating for breakfast on Jupiter? ____

****

12. I have balls like atom bombs, two of them, 100 megatons each. ____

I'm an F-18 and I will destroy you in the air. ____

****

13. YogaDawg; Winner! ____

YogaDawg; Winner! ____


Answers here.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Nightmare in the Yoga Studio


Now you know what really goes on in Dahn yoga... :) Have to do a YogaDawg caption mashup with this, kind of a Bride of YogaDawg.

Friday, March 04, 2011

The most awesome Bikram photo EVER! TGIF!!!



"American Yoga teachers are clowns. Circus clowns." Bikram "The Don" Choudhury

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Yoga Butt in a Bottle


"THOUSANDS of British women are so desperate for a bigger bottom they are risking their lives by taking pills designed to fatten up chickens."

Quite frankly, I would have thought that this was satire but alas, it is not. I won't pretend that I understand any of this but have to wonder what in the world in going on with women in the UK and their butts (insert butt joke here)? Wouldn't it be more fun to eat fried chicken for a big butt instead of chicken pills? Just saying...

From the Sun

Also check out this article about butt injections...who knew?

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

At last, the t-shirt that the yoga world has been waiting for!!!

At last, a way to express your opinion regarding partner poses without disrupting the class or having to speak to loopy teachers who think all that is kind of cute. Protect your sacred mat space and inner bliss by wearing the “I don’t do partner poses” t-shirt to your next yoga class. Join the fight against the creeping creepiness of partner yoga and the violation of your yogic peace.

As a public service to the yoga community, YogaDawg is giving away this t-shirt for FREE. To receive your t-shirt, send a request along with a $79.95 international money order for shipping and handling to:

YogaDawg Productions
Postal Drop 419
Ebola Okei-Dokei Street
Lagos, NIGERIA