With the yoga boom reaching epic proportions, new yoga diseases are appearing, while old ones are increasing in toxicity by mutating into more virulent strains. It’s the newly discovered exotic ones that have yoga health care workers most concerned with. Once confined to exotic and inaccessible parts of India, these newly discovered yoga diseases are now showing up in yoga studios in small town America. The Centers for Yoga Disease Control (CYDC) has issued a new list of yoga diseases. Ask your local yoga studio, yoga teacher training director or yoga care specialist for a copy.
In addition, the (CYDC) reports that yoga addictions are at an all time high.
This disease occurs after the yoga practitioner spends obscene amounts of money to attend a yoga conference or yoga festival. After drinking the Kula-Aid there for several days, the practitioner finds that they are broke, having withdrawals and unable to face their yoga mat alone once they return home. Severe cases of this disease have found the practitioner selling all their possessions and eventually ending up living in a cardboard squat under a bridge while panhandling to collect enough money to attend their next kula gathering.Note: Some with this disease have found temporary relief from a new product that goes by the name of Koka-Kula.
QuickyogaitisA new disease which has erupted among the devotees of get-fit-quick yoga books. A steady diet of this type of yoga books and/or yoga classes has been shown to lead to empty spiritualism resulting in clogged religiosity. Symptoms may include an unfounded need to constantly look at one’s own ass. If left untreated, this disease has been shown to progress into the dreaded yoga condition known as Crown Chakra turning into a Clown Chakra (see below).
Crown Chakra turning into a Clown ChakraA debilitating condition that yogis and some writers of yoga manuals develop after many years of practice. This condition is especially prevalent in yoga stars. There is no known cure for this condition, but some yogis have gone on to have promising careers in the circus.
LulumentiaOccurs primarily among yoga practitioners of the privileged class. Named after the upscale yoga fashion store (WTF?!! $100 for yoga pants?? No f’in way…oops… sorry about that…). In any event, after habitually dressing in high end yoga clothes, the sufferer eventually loses touch with the reality of what yoga is really all about. Research has shown that a number of Lulumentia patients also tend to contract GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore Fatigue Syndrome (GFS) at the same time (see below).
GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore Fatigue Syndrome (GFS)Reports show that this is an ongoing problem while shopping at the GreatTrancendentalYoga Superstore. For those who have developed GFS, noted symptoms include wandering aimlessly up and down the aisles, spontaneous meditation, or dropping suddenly into Corpse Pose. Due to the severe nature of this problem, the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore has established a toll-free hotline that yogis can call if they begin to notice symptoms of this condition. For assistance call 1 - 800 – Get - Karma.
LoinclothmentiaRelated to Lulumentia. Happens when the practitioner mimics spiritual advancement to such a degree that they feel they no longer have a need for possessions including clothing. They eventually show up for a yoga class dressed in a loin cloth or in some rare cases, naked smeared with cow dung.
Kula Kumbaya ComplexAn insidious mental condition that reduces the yoga practitioner to a kind of hive-think or cultic mindset that occurs within certain schools of yoga. The yoga disease results in co-dependent behavior that finds the practitioner thinking, talking, dressing, using jargon, laughing at inside jokes and generally acting like a jerk to fit in with the rest of the group. Switching to Pilates seems to bring relief to sufferers with this condition.
Smiley Face SyndromeA condition that is happening at an alarming rate with the increase of inadequately trained yoga teachers. Finding themselves over their heads in an actual yoga class, they lapse into the quintessential posture of the yoga teacher, the smiley face pose. This symptom tends to fade over the years. Also known as Alfred E. Yogi Complex
Excessive Oppressive I Am DisorderMore commonly known as Yoga Douche Disorder, this disease is so powerful that it has been shown to clear out whole yoga studios when a deluded yoga practitioner starts explaining how much ‘progress’ they have made on the yoga path. Practitioners are especially prone to this disease after attending a yoga conference, a festival or a trip to India.
BlogawritisWith a few classes under their lulus, the practitioner contracts this disease which causes them start a yoga blog and then write long, stiff, rambling and boring post that somehow manages to say absolutely nothing about yoga. For an example of this click here .Believed to be related to another yoga condition known as #!?<<%*^&*itis (see below).
#!?<<%*^&*itis (Also known as @%%^&** Gravis)This condition is caused by excessive yoga talk while in the yoga studio. Once you start taking too many yoga classes and hearing this yoga talk constantly, you’ll find yourself using this same yoga talk to all and sundry. You will know that you have developed #!?<<%*^&*itis when the following words begin showing up in your vocabulary outside the yoga studio: guru, mantra, Om, hatha, YogaDawg, namaste, shanti, kundalini, chakra, karma, dharma, or GreatTrancendentalYoga Superstore. Unless you are a yoga star, yoga teacher, or yoga studio owner, this can have unforeseen and negative consequences in your personal and professional life. This condition is sometimes accompanied by symptoms of Ompolar Disorder (see below).
Ompolar DisorderChanting Om at the beginning and end of yoga class can make some yoga students susceptible to Ompolar Disorder. While this practice can have a healthy and calming effect for the vast majority of yogis, you must be on the lookout for any negative side effects of Oming. Signs that you are developing this condition include any one of the following:
A . As you are chanting Om, you suddenly realize that there is a stunned silence in the studio. You will see all the other yogis, as well as the teacher, looking at you. Next you suddenly realize that you are chanting Om while everyone has stopped and that you are both loud and off key. The teacher will not chant Om in the future if you show up for class.B . You are so into the Om chanting after months of practicing as a yogi, that you find yourself chanting Om in the middle of business meetings, in the checkout line at the grocery store, or other situations where Oming is clearly inappropriate. As you continue to do this, your husband and kids might:
1 . Have you deprogrammed?2 . Commit you to a lunatic asylum
A strange condition that develops with beginning and sometimes advanced students of yogic breathing, this usually occurs while trying to coordinate the breath to a yoga sequence of poses. Due to inattention or distraction, the yogi becomes confused as to whether he is inhaling or exhaling. As a result, the Prana starts to hiccup. Manifestations of this condition include jerky body movements while trying to hold a yoga pose or a skipping sound while chanting Om.
Blowing Out the Third EyeSevere condition caused by the excessive practice of gazing inward. As the yogi relies on his ability to focus inwardly during a yoga class, the Third Eye can become agitated and start to itch from overuse. At this point it would be advisable to apply some GoodKarma salve (available at the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore, or ask your teacher if you can borrow some from her supply).
Gas YogitisAn annoying condition that only happens in yoga classes, this is especially prevalent when other yogis are practicing close to you or while doing partner work. The cure for this is to practice at home, find a class with no people, or take liberal amounts of YogaGas-Ease (available at the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore) an hour before going to class.
Obsessive AdjustmentitisThis happens when a yogi has lost sight of the boundary between yoga and the real world. After a few months of getting adjusted in a yoga class, there is a clear problem of extending this behavior outside the yoga studio. You may find yourself adjusting sales clerks, your boss, or other innocent bystanders. This will not only piss them off, but you may possibly be charged with assault. Seek professional help as soon as possible for this condition.
Anatomanosis NervosaUsually occurs after attending excessive amounts of classes at a Nerd studio. The symptom of this condition is inability to refrain from using anatomical terms when referring to parts of the body outside of yoga class. Taking classes in any other style of yoga usually cures this condition.
Erectile Full Function FibrillationThis is a male condition that occurs during a yoga class while getting an adjustment from a pretty, young yoga instructor. This occurs sporadically and has no known cure. If this condition persists, only practice yoga with instructors 90 years of age or over.
Mat Foot CellulitisA condition that causes rashes on the feet and legs of yogis, this occurs frequently when using yoga mats supplied by the yoga studio. This condition is also prevalent in Hell-type studios. You will first see a slow disintegration of your yoga mat before sprouting full-blown Mat Foot Cellulitis.
Happens when the practitioner confronts claims of yogic truth only to find that it is so much hooey, hokum, hogwash, hype and hocus-pocus. Causes a breakdown in the spiritual nervous system that results in the practitioner receding into a dark, dank, cynical place and reduced to the degrading condition of penning snarky posts and comments on yoga blogs. See this blog for a classic case of this.