Yoga News - Group Demands Economic Stimulus Package for Yoga Studios

Amy Beniker
For The Yoga Economist

WASHINGTON - With stocks gyrating wildly, panic in the housing market and talk of recession, concern is being voiced among the presidential candidates about rescue plans for the American people. What is little known is the concern among Yoga studio owners of plunging class attendance and short falls in the sales of Yoga props. With Yoga students mortgaged to the hilt, threatened by joblessness and having used their high end condos as ATM machines during the real estate boom of the last few years, these Yogi BoBos have suddenly found that the extravagance prices of yoga classes are no longer viable and have been abandoning studios in droves.

A group of studio owners and yoga stars has formed a coalition to petition the government for an economic stimulus package for Yoga studios. They have chosen Dennis Kucinich, former Democratic presidential candidate to lead this coalition. Even though he has dropped out of the presidential contest due to lack of interest among voters (outside of a contingent of disgruntled, sexually frustrated old fogies in Florida due to his campaign slogan of, "I'm old, I’m short, but I get the babes.", in apparent reference to his tall, young, smokin' hot wife), the coalition, nonetheless, felt that Mr. Kucinich would be the perfect candidate to present their demands to congress.

What is little known to the general public is the fact that Mr. Kucinich is a practitioner of Agni Yoga. "He is one of our own", remarked Jeani-ji, owner of Yikes Yoga in LA. With election-year calls to establish a cabinet level Department of Yoga (to capture the "Yoga Mom" votes), the coalition feels that Mr. Kucinich is the ideal person to push a proposal to get rebates for yogis who purchase bulk class passes of 10 or more. "This should help jump start the faltering Yoga economy", Jeani-ji said. "We are also proposing a so-called bonus depreciation to allow yoga studio to deduct 50 percent of business investments made this year as well as generous write-offs on yoga props and paraphernalia."

Several of the presidential candidates, both Democratic and Republican, rolled their eyes when informed of the proposal that Mr. Kucinich was pushing. Sen. John McCain, meanwhile, remarked, "And I thought Ron Paul was nuts!"

Dennis Kucinich levitating in front of a group of Yoga studios owners

Yoga News - Madonna Does Yoga in India: Requests Villagers to Vacate

Brother Satya
For India Yoga Magazine

DECHU, India – Material girl Madonna has become the center of yet another controversy as she allegedly requested an entire Indian village to be vacated in order for her to practice Yoga. The pop singer and her British filmmaker husband Guy Ritchie spent New Year's Eve in the ShaktiYogi Hotel in Dechu village in the northern Indian desert state of Rajasthan. It appears around midnight; she decided that she wanted to do some Yoga.

Deepankar Tamil, the front desk clerk for the hotel, said that Madonna called to request that the hotel be cleared of guests so she could begin her yoga practice. "I thought this was a bit strange, but when she requested that, in addition to the hotel, she wanted the whole village to be cleared, I wondered if she was perhaps smoking some ganga", Mr. Tamil explained. "Thinking that she was perhaps pulling my leg and having a good joke on me, I asked if she also wanted the cows removed. Well, at that, she started speaking in a voice that sounded like a cross between Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and Pat Robertson. It was really spooky," Mr. Tamil added.

This is not the first time that Madge requested that people be vacated around her so she could do Yoga. A few weeks ago, the 49-year-old singer was told to stop talking by an instructor at a sports club yoga class. According to the New York Post, this prompted the unimpressed star to shout out, "I want you all to leave!" All 25 students and the teacher abandoned the studio.

Even though it is not clear how many people actually vacated the village, there are some reports of sadhus disappearing. Whether this is due to Madonna's request or advanced siddis that they practice remains unclear.

When the Minister of Information for India, Raj Kulatunga, was told of the incident, he replied, "Well, I hope she doesn’t decide to do Yoga in Bombay. I don't know where we would move all the people."

Indian village before and after Madonna does Yoga

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Yoga Pose - The Britney

Background - This pose came about by the excellent rendition of the Brahma Bull that YogaDawg saw Britney Spears performing for the Paparazzi. YogaDawg was so impressed with this advanced variation that Britney was doing that he decided to add it to his SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy Method ®.

Pose - Same as the Brahma Bull but this advance variation will have you using Yoga props to use as Brahma horns during the execution of this pose. Don’t forget to breathe and smile for the cameras.

Yoga Pose - The Hen Pecked

Background - Developed by MadDawg, one of the two disciples of YogaDawg and the handsome husband of HotDawg. This is homage to the feminine, the Ma or Mother, as wife and bearer of the hardships of afternoon Yoga classes and shopping. As chores and beer cans piled up, money gambled away and jobs were lost, the Yogi was inspired by his observation of others of the male species and incorporated that insight into this Yoga pose.

Pose - The teacher will start with a line of philosophically based questioning such as, "When are you going to cut the lawn" or "When are you going to look for a job." "When are you going to turn the TV off and get off the damn couch" or maybe even the daunting, "What the f*#*% is your problem you lazy SOB?" As you ponder these questions, you will give a blank and passive look at the teacher. You might chant the mantra, "Soon dear" or "I already did," or maybe even "I'm going to play cards at the bar with Fred and the guys." Your challenge will be to remain absolutely passive as you repeat these mantras. The advance version of this pose will have you lying down on your mat as you snore serenely. Don't forget to breath.

Benefits - This will find you serene in even the most stressful of situations. Said to be highly effective in divorce court and when dealing with your wife's divorce lawyer.

Yoga List - What's In/What's Out for Yoga in 2008

Click here for the complete YogaDawg Yoga list for 2008

Yoga List - What is a YogaDawg?

A Cock and bull story

Fools gold

A Pig in a poke

Mumbo Jumbo

A Shot in the dark

Pie in the Sky

A blind alley

Three sheets to the wind

A Blabbermouth

Makes a mountain out of a mole hill

A sorry sight

Can't make heads or tails of

A fool's paradise

Full of piss and vinegar

A Fate worse than death

Hell in a handbasket

A Whack job

Absent Without Leave

For the Birds

Yoga List - What you can expect to hear in a Yoga class if Yogi Berra is teaching

90% of the game is mental, the other half is physical.

There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

It ain't over 'til it's over.

When you come to a fork in the road....Take it!

I didn't really say everything I said.

You can observe a lot by watching.

The future ain't what it used to be.

It gets late early out here.

It's deja vu all over again.

If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours.

I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question.

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

Yoga List - Things a Yoga studio will not allow

Lame ducks

Foregone conclusions

Non-edifying behavior

Nuclear proliferation

Being badgered to death

Binge drinking

Hissy fits

Magic realism

Walking the plank

Montezuma's Revenge

Moving the goalposts

Flying off the handle

Beating a hasty retreat

Nautical phrases

Mickey Finns

Channel surfing

Glass ceilings

Crocodile tears

Jaws of death

Pots calling the kettle black

Technicolor yawns

Teflon presidents

The third degree

Raising Cain

Urban myths

Yoga List - Type of student you will find in a Yoga class

Wet Blanket

Doubting Thomas

Back Seat Driver

Fashion Victim

Dead Ringer

Devil's Advocate

Diamond in the Rough

A Dope

Loose Cannon

Mad Hatter

Bag Man

Scapegoat

Son of a Gun

Yes Man

One-hit Wonder

Peeping Tom

Wolf In Sheep's Clothing

Shit for Brains

Stool Pigeon

Sick Puppy

Whipping Boy

Straw Man

Bad Egg

Basket Case

Blonde Bombshell

Blue Blood

Clod-Hopper

Yoga List - What a Yoga teacher will expect from you during a Yoga class

Let sleeping dogs lie

Live and let live

Pay the piper

Schmooze

Shoot the breeze

Zilch

A sea change

A shot in the arm

Baptism by fire

Bated breath

Blow your mind

Yoga List - Additional services you can expect to find at a Yoga studio

Water divining

Molybdomancy

Aura balancing

Aeromancy

Tarot reading

Trepanation

Sanskrit translation services

Myomancy

Crop circle interpretation

Anthropomancy

Alien abductees counseling

Causimomancy

Ear candling

Speleotherapy

Renal/rectal philology

Empyromancy

Dowsing

Colonic cleansing

Scatoscopy

Craniosacral therapy

Extispicium

Reading Tea Leaves

Tring-ba

Vedic Astrology

Uromancy

Clairvoyance

Geloscopy

Snake handling

Yoga List - What the Teacher is doing while you are in Savasana

Mexican Wave

Pulling the Wool Over Their Eyes

Pushing the Envelope

Quality Time

Running out of Steam

Safe Sex

Shaking a Leg

Zigger Zigger

Being all Ears

Beats Me

Calls it a Day

Going with the Flow

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Yoga List - What not to say to a Yoga teacher during class

Woe is me

The blind leading the blind

Break A leg

You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think

Yada yada

What's up Doc?

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things

Throw in the towel

That's all folks!

Talk to the hand

You've got to be kidding!

Yucky

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing

Tell it to the marines

Abandon all hope ye who enter here

Hasta la vista, baby

Et tu, Brute

Elvis has left the building

Yoga List - Yoga poses we hope we never see

Chew the Cud

Flip The Bird

Fly on the Wall

Foam at the Mouth

Balls to the Wall

Chicken with its Head Cut Off

Red Herring

Fly in the Ointment

Three Dog Night

Charley Horse

Drop like Flies

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

Eye of Newt and Toe of Frog, Wool of Bat and Tongue of Dog

Dirty Rat

Kick the Bucket

Not Have a Leg to Stand On

An Eye for an Eye, a Tooth for a Tooth

Cold Turkey

Cold Duck

Yoga Students - The YIP and the YOG

First off, be aware that like the Yin and the Yang, the Alpha and the Omega, you will be confronted with the polar opposites of students in the Yoga scene. These are affectionately known as the Yip and the Yog. Simply put, the Yip is the Yogically hip; the purveyor of the cool, tight and trendy pimp chic look of contemporary Yoga. Fed by the Yoga Industrial Marketing and Merchandising Complex (YIMMCo), these Yogis have evolved the simple needs of Yoga into an alt Yogic lifestyle. Too hip to read Yoga magazines (though they tend to sneak peeks from time to time to verify how ahead of the Yoga curve they are) they seek out their too cool and post-mod ideas on Buddhist web sites.

The Yog on the other hand is “not”. They, most likely, are beginner Yogis that have not been tainted by the YIMMCo as of yet. In certain urban Yoga studios, the Yog will be made to feel unwelcome and may even be discouraged from pursuing Yoga. They may, however, be given the advice to check out the Yoga Fashion page of the YogaDawg website before coming back to a Yoga class.

To help guide you on your path to Yoga Yipness, the following is a handy guide to refer to when confronted with choices in the Yoga world.

Yoga Music:
YIP
Dave Stinger
David Newman
Deva Premal

YOG
Krishna Das
Jai Uttal
Anything with singing bowls, temple bells or gongs



Style of Yoga:
YIP Male
Ashtanga
YIP Female
Jivamukti

YOG
Iyengar, Anusara or Generic Vinyassa



Yoga Clothing:
YIP
YogaDawg Gear or anything designed by independent, gay Yoga clothes designers living in the East Village of NYC.

YOG
Lululemon, Gaiam or any other Yoga clothing line that is advertised in Yoga Journal.



Yoga Mat:
YIP Male
The Black Manduka or the YogaDawg 'It Ain't Lavender' Men's Yoga Mat
YIP Female
The Purple Manduka or the YogaDawg Natural HempYoga SuperMat

Note: The YogaDawg MyPodSouthParkTripleLatte Super Mat is also acceptable to Yips of a certain age (see Yoga Mats).

YOG
Gaiam, any other mat advertised in Yoga Journal (excluding the black or purple Manduka) or a Pilate mat.



Tattoos:
YIP
Buddhist, Taoist, Hindu symbols or any symbols from an obscure Eastern based religion.

YOG
Om symbol and anything other then the above.



Religious Affiliation:
YIP
Buddhist, Taoist, Hindu or any obscure Eastern religion.

YOG
Wicca, any Judeo-Christian religion or New Age belief.



Reading Material:
YIP
The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali and EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine.

YOG
Light on Yoga by BKS Iyengar and Yoga Journal.



Age Limit:
YIP
21 through 32

YOG
Other then above

Special Note: YIPs can morph into YogaDawgs after the age of thirty-two. Though not considered as hip as a YIP, YogaDawgs are still quite respected in the YIP community.

Special Note 2: YogaDawgs will continue to maintain this designation and respect from the YIP community as long as they refrain from any of the following:

1. Moves to the suburbs
2. Works in an office
3. Works as an accountant, engineer, programmer or salesperson
4. Lives with a partner that does one of the above

Now that you know how to spot and become a YIP versus a YOG, let’s explore the types of Yoga students that you will no doubt meet in your Yoga journey

Yoga Students - The Spoiler

You will recognize this student by their top of the line Yoga mat, name brand spandex yoga shorts with matching Yoga tee shirt and Om symbol gold necklace, all purchased from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore. Though not a Yoga teacher, they are, none the less, sufficiently above the level of the classes that they are taking. You will find them mostly in beginner Yoga classes. The Spoiler will walk into the classroom with a swagger, pose and preen, maybe even letting out a bored sigh as they set up their mat. They will always set up in front of the class, directly in line with the teacher. This is a strategic move as it offers maximum visibility for the other students to watch them. If the Spoiler gets there too late and sees that their prime space has been taken, they will usually turn around and go home. For fun, try to get to class early where there is a known Spoiler and take their prime spot. It was been known for them to walk around in circles confused to where they will set up. Try not to chuckle too much if this happen as they might catch on and end up taking their mat and going home.

The Spoiler will begin doing Yoga poses before the class even starts. This is a favorite ploy of their's as they will try to strike up a sense of Yoga superiority early on. Once the class starts, the Spoiler will adapt advanced postures secure in the knowledge that the other students are mere beginners. There will be an occasional smile on their face as they think to themselves, "Damn, I'm good. Look at the rest of these losers." The Spoiler will know the Sanskrit names of the poses and may even try speaking Hindi to the teacher. The Spoiler will tend to do poses even while the teacher is explaining something to the class or while the rest of the students are resting in Child Pose. They take great pride in demoralizing the other students in the class.

Inner Dialog: Damn I'm good. Look at me go. I am the greatest. Check out all the students looking at me. They know I am the greatest. Watch me do this pose while everyone else is in Child pose. I'll get the teacher's attention now. Hot dog, she's looking at me. I'm bitchin' today. Ah well, screw it that everyone else is doing a forward bend, check out my headstand everybody. Damn, I'm the greatest...

Yoga Students - The Poser

This student will often be confused with the Spoiler, as they also will have a top of the line Yoga mat, name brand spandex Yoga shorts with matching tee shirt and Om symbol gold necklace purchased from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore. The Poser will also strategically set up in front of the teacher like the Spoiler. They will ceremonially unroll their mat and take great care to align it just perfectly. They will carefully place a yoga non-slip towel on top of that and go through motions of smoothing out every wrinkle and bump. Lastly, the Poser will take a hand towel, also with an Om symbol on it, ordered from the back of EternallyBlissfulYoga SuperMagazine and place it at the head of the mat in perfect alignment.

The fun begins, once the class starts. Predictably, the Poser will start huffing and puffing within the first three minutes. They will stop to sop the sweat off their brow as everyone else is doing poses. Within the next five minutes, they will start to slow down as clearly this class is too advanced for them even though it is a beginner class. After fifteen minutes, they will start to slip and slide from the sweat that is dripping onto their mat; possibly falling over. Twenty minutes into the class, they will be spent. The Poser will spend the rest of the time mostly in resting poses. They will not hear the snickering from the other students as the Poser begins to groan and moan through the class. The Poser will sneak out of the class while everyone is in final resting pose. This student will never been seen in the same studio once they have been found out to be a Yoga Poser; but they will be glad about their top of the line Yoga clothes and matching colored mat.

Inner Dialog: Cool, I'm in front of the teacher and everyone is checking out my cool, new top of the line Yoga clothes and matching colored mat from the GreatTranscendentalYoga SuperStore. Okay, here we go...Whee, look at me doing this stuff...up I go, down I go... whoa, everyone is looking at me, I am good…This is so much damn fun. What?!...what the f@&$ is this??? What is the teacher doing? I don't know that pose...I thought this was a beginner class....this is bullshit. Now what is the teacher doing??? I can't do that...damn everyone is looking at me...oh no, I have to go into child's pose. They are going to know I'm a poser. This sucks...I'm so depressed....I need my Prozac...I’ve got to sneak out of here...

Yoga Students - The Eye

The Eye is at class not to do Yoga, but to lurk and leer. They will have read somewhere, most likely on the Internet that Yoga classes have lots of hot babes in them. In addition to that, Yoga looks kind of easy. Not like that Pilate class the Eye went to because he heard there are lots of hot babes in it. The Eye is a collector of EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine because he digs the Yoga babes on the cover and especially in the ads. He is not sure what this Yoga is about since he doesn't read the articles but he sure loves the pictures.

You will recognize the Eye by his tacky, lounge-lizard clothes; Yoga Cargo shorts with the button down, synthetic Yoga shirt from K-Mart. He will throw his mat down haphazardly and will reek of cheap cologne. The Eye will try to make small talk with the receptionist, if female; the students, if female; the teacher, if female. He will attempt to touch you if you are female. Rebuffed by all, he will lie down on his mat like he is at the beach. His water bottle will have mixture of vodka and white lightning. He will be drinking from this copiously. The Eye’s eyes will start to wander. They will check out the Yoga student babes and the Yoga teacher babe. He will think that this is even better then looking at the ads and cover of EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine. As the Eye eyes wander even more, he will become unsteady, a bit dizzy and possibly even fall over. He will be reaching for his water bottle frequently during class.

Inner Dialog: Dig this!! She's hot! Whoa, look at that one…dig those shorts… hot! Ooh no, check this one out to my left…I dig that shirt she's wearing, she's hot! Dear Lord, look at the ass on that one over there, I think I'm in love (was that a dirty look she just gave me)? Oh man, oh man, oh man, check out the knockers on that one. Damn hard to concentrate on this Yoga stuff...Wait, wait, is the teacher trying to get my attention??? Yes, yes she is, damn she's a babe…she's hot! She is saying something to me...roll up my mat?...she is asking to follow her out of the class...Damn she is so impressed with my Yogic abilities that she thinks I'm hot and wants to give me a private lesson. I love this Yoga stuff...wait, is that the door out of the studio she's showing me to??? She is opening door...wait, wait what do you mean never come back here again? Hey, do I get my money back...

Yoga Students - The Matriarch

The Matriarch is the mate of the Old Fart. She will be a trillion years old. In class, she will tsk, tsk under her breath, have an air of condescendence, interrupt the teachers with words like, "well, the way I was taught...", give the students the 'look' if they try to save the teacher and finally subdue the class into complete silence, including the teacher. Expect the teacher to stop verbalizing the instructions after the 3rd or 4th pose in the presence of a Matriarch. Everyone will be intimidated by her.

Inner Dialog: Look at all these young bitches. Yea, so what that you're 50 years younger then me. So you have a tight Yoga ass, big deal. At least I know what I'm doing. Been doing Yoga for 60 years. So what that my husband hates me. He's probably in the bar next door anyway. I better not catch his ass there. Anyway, let's see how good you are once we get started. What are you looking at? That right, this is the manual written by the CYO of the Nerd school. You know I'm going to give the teacher a piece of my mind if she starts doing stupid stuff with the poses. Yea, that right Missy, show off your tits in those fancy Yoga cloths. That's right; I don't shop at the crappy GreatTrancendentalYoga Superstore. This unitard I've been wearing for the last 30 years is good enough for me. Screw your stupid sticky mats. This blanket is where it is at...hey, that guy with the gold chains has kind of a nice ass…