Mark Jones
For Yoga Economic News
In a move that is hoped to finally bring peace and healing to the fractured Yoga world, Iyengar Yoga has agreed to buy Ashtanga Yoga in a $16.5 billion deal that will create the world's largest Yoga School. This historic merging of the two styles will close the schism that was created many decades ago when the founders drifted in separate directions. Though both claimed to be doing the "True Yoga" (both had been taught by the same Yoga master), it had led to much strife, name calling, back stabbing, grand standing and show boating among the teachers and students of each style.
The new Yoga School, which will be called Iyentanga (trading symbol IYGA), will be the world's largest Yoga School with $16.6 trillion in assets mainly from Yoga props. BKS Iyengar, founder and chief executive of Iyengar Yoga, will serve as executive chairman of Iyentanga, with overall responsibility for the integration of the two Yoga Schools. Madonna was given the nod to serve as chief executive officer of the new combined School. Mr. Iyengar acknowledged her brilliant 'acting' of Yoga in her films and what nots. Geeta Iyengar will be in charge of getting the Ashtangis to stop their loud Ujjayi breathing during class and quit all that jumping around from pose to pose that they are known for.
When asked if Iyengar was going to acquire any other Yoga Schools, Mr. Iyengar mentioned that both the Jivamukti and Anusara schools looked tempting.
In the meantime, Sharath, head of the Ashtanga School of Yoga, when asked about his current plans, said "I'm are going to relax on the beach at Goa and watch the babes for awhile. I'm kind of tired from all those jump throughs and jump backs after all these years." It has been reported that Sharath is contemplating his next venture. "I'm are looking at Pilates very closely."
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Yoga News - Baron Flies
Jona Macivelli
For Yoga Flight News
Baron Baptiste, famed American Yoga Star, announced a new asana today that he calls the Super Fly. This asana allegedly allows the Yoga practitioner to fly around the Yoga studio.
Sources close to Mr. Baptiste explained that this new pose was in reaction to the pose called the Bumblebee discovered by Guru YogaDawg on a banana leaf found in the basement of the Baltimore Public Library and included in his SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy Series (See Yoga Lifts Off). The pose has enabled some Yogis to lift off their Yoga mats during Yoga classes.
Mr. Baptiste remarked “That Bumblebee pose ain’t nothing. Not only will the Super Fly have the Yogi flying around the studio, but the advanced position will have them walking on the ceiling”.
It is rumored that there is a buzzing sound that the Yogi makes at the back of the throat while practicing the pose.
Baron Baptiste flying over Singapore
For Yoga Flight News
Baron Baptiste, famed American Yoga Star, announced a new asana today that he calls the Super Fly. This asana allegedly allows the Yoga practitioner to fly around the Yoga studio.
Sources close to Mr. Baptiste explained that this new pose was in reaction to the pose called the Bumblebee discovered by Guru YogaDawg on a banana leaf found in the basement of the Baltimore Public Library and included in his SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy Series (See Yoga Lifts Off). The pose has enabled some Yogis to lift off their Yoga mats during Yoga classes.
Mr. Baptiste remarked “That Bumblebee pose ain’t nothing. Not only will the Super Fly have the Yogi flying around the studio, but the advanced position will have them walking on the ceiling”.
It is rumored that there is a buzzing sound that the Yogi makes at the back of the throat while practicing the pose.
Baron Baptiste flying over Singapore
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Yoga Mats - Introduction
The Yoga mat is your most valuable piece of Yoga gear, so as a Yoga student, you must choose wisely which one you will purchase. The Yoga mat will be your Yoga home away from home and even in your home. You might be tempted to use a mat provided by the studio, but YogaDawg advises against this as they are very nasty things, and they tend to be very smelly and disgusting. They really should be lining dog kennels instead of being practiced on. If you do insist on using these because you don't believe anything written in My Third Eye Itches – A Yogic Guide or are too cheap, then be prepared to develop funky skin rashes, warts, boils and lesions on your feet, hands and face.
With Yoga mats now available everywhere from trendy coffee shops to upscale bars and saloons as well as in gas stations and even from those guys selling umbrellas and fake watches on the street corner, your selection options can be overwhelming. YogaDawg will describe the mats currently available from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore to make your mat buying experience easy and pleasant. These Yoga mats are all branded with the cool GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore logo which will instantly establish your credibility as a serious Yogi in any studio, world wide, as you roll it out in your next class.
With Yoga mats now available everywhere from trendy coffee shops to upscale bars and saloons as well as in gas stations and even from those guys selling umbrellas and fake watches on the street corner, your selection options can be overwhelming. YogaDawg will describe the mats currently available from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore to make your mat buying experience easy and pleasant. These Yoga mats are all branded with the cool GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore logo which will instantly establish your credibility as a serious Yogi in any studio, world wide, as you roll it out in your next class.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Revenue Soars - YogaDawg Foundation
Maria Bartiromo
For Yoga Economic News
Upon release of the prestigious Yoga eBook My Third Eye Itches - A Yogic Guide award, the non-profit YogaDawg Foundation reports that revenues have soared. “Dang, we actually sold our first two eBooks on the same day”, commented MadDawg, the huband of HotDawg (formally Born and Maiden America) who are the two disciples of Guru YogaDawg. When asked how much revenue was made, MadDawg replied, “Six dollars and 26 cents ”.
MadDawg said that the two YogaDawg eBooks were shipped to the Jivamukti Yoga studio in New York. “We are pretty sure they are for David Life and Sharon Gannon as they had the name of John and Jane Yoga on the shipping label. Obviously proxy buyers for those two.” When asked why the founders of Jivamukti Yoga would want to buy the YogaDawg eBooks (since they have written several Yoga books of their own), MadDawg replied, “Well, it’s pretty obvious that the highfalutin Jivamukti Yoga juggernaut is feeling threatened by the spiritual and advanced nature of the YogaDawg eBook and are assessing the danger they present by examining the real deal.” He added, “It’s like Bill Gates buying up smaller software companies that he deems a threat to his empire”. “Oh”, said this reporter.
When asked how the YogaDawg Foundation was going to apply the revenue to further its mission, HotDawg, the lovely wife of MadDawg, replied, “Well, we haven’t decided yet. Let’s just say that for now we have been enjoying a better brand of dog food”.
For Yoga Economic News
Upon release of the prestigious Yoga eBook My Third Eye Itches - A Yogic Guide award, the non-profit YogaDawg Foundation reports that revenues have soared. “Dang, we actually sold our first two eBooks on the same day”, commented MadDawg, the huband of HotDawg (formally Born and Maiden America) who are the two disciples of Guru YogaDawg. When asked how much revenue was made, MadDawg replied, “Six dollars and 26 cents ”.
MadDawg said that the two YogaDawg eBooks were shipped to the Jivamukti Yoga studio in New York. “We are pretty sure they are for David Life and Sharon Gannon as they had the name of John and Jane Yoga on the shipping label. Obviously proxy buyers for those two.” When asked why the founders of Jivamukti Yoga would want to buy the YogaDawg eBooks (since they have written several Yoga books of their own), MadDawg replied, “Well, it’s pretty obvious that the highfalutin Jivamukti Yoga juggernaut is feeling threatened by the spiritual and advanced nature of the YogaDawg eBook and are assessing the danger they present by examining the real deal.” He added, “It’s like Bill Gates buying up smaller software companies that he deems a threat to his empire”. “Oh”, said this reporter.
When asked how the YogaDawg Foundation was going to apply the revenue to further its mission, HotDawg, the lovely wife of MadDawg, replied, “Well, we haven’t decided yet. Let’s just say that for now we have been enjoying a better brand of dog food”.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Yoga Mats - Standard Yoga Mat
Our bottom-line mat is made from recycled PVC pipes, plastic shopping bags and flotsam and jetsam washed up on the beaches of New Jersey. They are made by imprisoned political dissidents from labor camps in China as well as select sweat shops in Central America and Brooklyn. The Standard Yoga Mat comes in one color only, brown (or slight variation depending on the color of the debris it is made from). Though slightly smelly and which has a tendency to disintegrate when exposed to sweat and leaves mat droppings on the studio floor after each use, you will nonetheless feel like a real yogi as you now own your very own Yoga mat.
Note: Some have reported vile reactions in people who may be sensitive to Industrial wastes, carbonvynalflouride and/or chemical and biological hazards.
Extra Thick Standard Yoga Mat
Same as above, only thicker.
Note: Some have reported vile reactions in people who may be sensitive to Industrial wastes, carbonvynalflouride and/or chemical and biological hazards.
Extra Thick Standard Yoga Mat
Same as above, only thicker.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Yoga Mats - The 'It Ain't Lavender' Men's Yoga Mat
Designed by Earl of San Antonio, this mat is crafted with the male Yogi in mind. With a saw dust surface and the smell of dirty gym socks, this mat will make the practice of Yoga a true pleasure. Most exciting of all, it comes in real men's colors (no need to be embarrassed by those fem pastel color mats any longer). Colors include:
Moldy Mayo
Month-Old Sheets
Piss n Vinegar
Bathtub Ring
Pistolwhipped Peacock
Strip Club Floor
Greasy T-Shirt
Moldy Mayo
Month-Old Sheets
Piss n Vinegar
Bathtub Ring
Pistolwhipped Peacock
Strip Club Floor
Greasy T-Shirt
Friday, April 11, 2008
New Yoga School is a Yawn
Tudy Smikanoff
For New Yoga Style Journal
What started out as a rogue Yoga movement, zBest Yoga has taken the Yoga world by storm or as some might say, by yawn. The brain-child of Guru-Z, a former Sheboygan, Wisconsin plumber turned Yoga guru, zBest Yoga is the latest entry in the crowded Yoga scene. Capitalizing on an aspect of Yoga practice that Guru-Z claims is one of the most popular among Yoga students of all strips and disciplines, zBest Yoga consists entirely of laying on a Yoga mat, in a comfortable position, with eyes closed for an entire 90 minute session.
Though this new Yoga style might seem a bit ‘light-weight’ to Yoga students that practice a more vigorous style of Yoga such as Ashtanga; students nonetheless have been flocking to zBest Yoga studios in increasing numbers. “We are seeing students who have hurt themselves doing Ashtanga or who have become bored silly with Iynegar”, commented Guru-Z in a recent interview.
Explaining his method of Yoga, Guru-Z recounted how he had reached inner peace or nirvana in a yoga class. “Well, you see, my wife suggested I go to one of her Yoga classes, which I thought was the stupidest idea she ever had; and believe me, she had a lot of those. Anyway, I realized that all that crazy crap they were doing was pretty whacked. And don’t get me started on the mumbo-jumbo that went on in that class. That teacher was talking shit in another language or something.”
Guru-Z when on to mentioned that his moment of Enlightenment came when at the end of the class, the students laid on their backs in a final pose known as Savasana. “Well, let me tell you, I had the best snooze ever. My wife told me I embarrassed her because I was snoring up a storm. But I tell you, when she finally kicked me in the head at the end of pose, I felt great. It was then and there that I decided to start zBest Yoga.
Like other Yoga classes this one starts off with a chant. While other styles of Yoga might use the sound of Om, a typical class starts with a chant that sounds a lot like snoring. Students are encouraged to be inventive and loud as Guru-Z believed this sets up the next stage in the process known as the 'Great Yawning'. “This is the gateway between earthly existence and transcendental bliss,” the Guru explained. As observed by current students of the method, this yawing is a contagious function that usually goes on for several minutes. The final phase of the zBest Yoga method finds the students on there backs in what appears to be a suspended state of trance. Though an objective observer might claim that the students are really sleeping with all the snoring, drooling and occasional passing of gas, Guru-Z claims that this is Yoga.
A zBest Yoga class
For New Yoga Style Journal
What started out as a rogue Yoga movement, zBest Yoga has taken the Yoga world by storm or as some might say, by yawn. The brain-child of Guru-Z, a former Sheboygan, Wisconsin plumber turned Yoga guru, zBest Yoga is the latest entry in the crowded Yoga scene. Capitalizing on an aspect of Yoga practice that Guru-Z claims is one of the most popular among Yoga students of all strips and disciplines, zBest Yoga consists entirely of laying on a Yoga mat, in a comfortable position, with eyes closed for an entire 90 minute session.
Though this new Yoga style might seem a bit ‘light-weight’ to Yoga students that practice a more vigorous style of Yoga such as Ashtanga; students nonetheless have been flocking to zBest Yoga studios in increasing numbers. “We are seeing students who have hurt themselves doing Ashtanga or who have become bored silly with Iynegar”, commented Guru-Z in a recent interview.
Explaining his method of Yoga, Guru-Z recounted how he had reached inner peace or nirvana in a yoga class. “Well, you see, my wife suggested I go to one of her Yoga classes, which I thought was the stupidest idea she ever had; and believe me, she had a lot of those. Anyway, I realized that all that crazy crap they were doing was pretty whacked. And don’t get me started on the mumbo-jumbo that went on in that class. That teacher was talking shit in another language or something.”
Guru-Z when on to mentioned that his moment of Enlightenment came when at the end of the class, the students laid on their backs in a final pose known as Savasana. “Well, let me tell you, I had the best snooze ever. My wife told me I embarrassed her because I was snoring up a storm. But I tell you, when she finally kicked me in the head at the end of pose, I felt great. It was then and there that I decided to start zBest Yoga.
Like other Yoga classes this one starts off with a chant. While other styles of Yoga might use the sound of Om, a typical class starts with a chant that sounds a lot like snoring. Students are encouraged to be inventive and loud as Guru-Z believed this sets up the next stage in the process known as the 'Great Yawning'. “This is the gateway between earthly existence and transcendental bliss,” the Guru explained. As observed by current students of the method, this yawing is a contagious function that usually goes on for several minutes. The final phase of the zBest Yoga method finds the students on there backs in what appears to be a suspended state of trance. Though an objective observer might claim that the students are really sleeping with all the snoring, drooling and occasional passing of gas, Guru-Z claims that this is Yoga.
A zBest Yoga class
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Yoga Mats - MyPodSouthParkTripleLatte SuperMat
Just in for the holidays and perfect for the Gen Y and Gen X Yoga student. This mat comes complete with electronic key-chain type bulk class pass, iPod holder, and wireless Internet connection along with complementary gift certificate for the coffee shop of your choice. Included is the world famous Yoga instruction DVD: "You might as well do Yoga since you will never find a job while still living in your parents basement."
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Yoga Mats - Natural Dried Grass Yoga SuperMat
Made from grass clippings from the lawns of America. They are compressed under pressure. The Natural Dried Grass Yoga SuperMat does not have the normal artificial 'sticky' support, you find on other mats, but rather a more natural grip provides by small sticks and pebbles embedded in the surface.
Note: Don't use if you are sensitive to herbicides, pesticides, allergies or doggy-doo.
Note: Don't use if you are sensitive to herbicides, pesticides, allergies or doggy-doo.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Yoga News - New Yoga Music CD is a Hit
Marsha Bloom
For Yoga Industry News
Dr. Psycho’s Lonely Rehab Kirtan Band is a new exciting Kirtan CD that is being spun not only in Yoga studios around the world but also climbing in the pop music charts. Praised as “an unsurpassed adventure in concept, sound and songwriting”, this revolutionary ‘Yoga music’ CD has captured both the Yoga and pop market by surprise. From the title song’s blasts of loud yogic Ujjayi breathing and fuzz sitars to the multi-channeled chanting and long, dying primal scream at the end of tune, 'That’s Hot (Yoga)', the thirteen tracks on Dr. Psycho’s Lonely Rehab Kirtan Band is the next evolution in the Yoga music.
Consisting of a trio of rehab pop divas; Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and one Celebutante; Paris Hilton, this Kirtan quartet that goes by the name of The YogaDawgs, is creating buzz in the Yoga industry. “This is one insane album. It’s the only thing the students want me to play in the studio,” explained Gobdev, owner of 'Say it ain’t Yoga' Yoga studio. With songs having been penned by all four members of the group; 'I don’t want to go to Yoga', 'Fuck me Lululemons', 'Monkey man, Hanuman' (Amy Winehouse); 'Opps – I varted again in Happy Baby pose', 'Get Naked Yoga', 'Toxic side angle Twist' (Britney Spears); 'Confession of a broken Yogi', 'Anything but Headstand' (Lindsey Lohan) and 'That’s Hot (Yoga)' (Paris Hilton), this CD has something for every Yogi.
How The YogaDawgs came together to record this CD has been a bit of a mystery, but sources close to the singers say that they had all apparently come under the spell of the elusive and controversial, GuruYogaDawg, while they were in rehab (See Britney Does YogaDawg and Paris Does YogaDawg). The biggest surprise of the group was the addition of Paris Hilton. While not a ‘pop diva’, Hilton’s little known 2002 CD, Paris, reached number six on the Billboard 200 for a week. As Winehouse explained, “Hey, that bitch can play a mean tambourine.” Asked how they choose the name of the group, Britney Spears replied “We were going to call ourselves the “Rehabs” but that was already taken.”
Cynical critics have attributed the success of the CD to the multi-billion dollar Yoga industry and the lucrative Yoga music circuit. “Everyone knows that there is money in that scene. This is the first ever Yoga/ pop music cross-over sensation,” explained John March of Pop MusicToday. “Just as drugs, sex and rock and roll produced the Beatles Sergeant Pepper record 40 years ago; this YogaDawgs CD is what booze, rehab and Yoga produced today. It’s so whacked. With everyone in America doing Yoga, no wonder it’s a hit. I need some blow!"
Meanwhile, Natalie Cole, who had trashed Amy Winehouse for winning 4 Grammys this year, was asked what she thought about this CD. “What is this monstrosity? I am so sick of these skinny ass, crack hos. And what the fuck is yoga?” she replied.
Click to Enlarge
For Yoga Industry News
Dr. Psycho’s Lonely Rehab Kirtan Band is a new exciting Kirtan CD that is being spun not only in Yoga studios around the world but also climbing in the pop music charts. Praised as “an unsurpassed adventure in concept, sound and songwriting”, this revolutionary ‘Yoga music’ CD has captured both the Yoga and pop market by surprise. From the title song’s blasts of loud yogic Ujjayi breathing and fuzz sitars to the multi-channeled chanting and long, dying primal scream at the end of tune, 'That’s Hot (Yoga)', the thirteen tracks on Dr. Psycho’s Lonely Rehab Kirtan Band is the next evolution in the Yoga music.
Consisting of a trio of rehab pop divas; Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and one Celebutante; Paris Hilton, this Kirtan quartet that goes by the name of The YogaDawgs, is creating buzz in the Yoga industry. “This is one insane album. It’s the only thing the students want me to play in the studio,” explained Gobdev, owner of 'Say it ain’t Yoga' Yoga studio. With songs having been penned by all four members of the group; 'I don’t want to go to Yoga', 'Fuck me Lululemons', 'Monkey man, Hanuman' (Amy Winehouse); 'Opps – I varted again in Happy Baby pose', 'Get Naked Yoga', 'Toxic side angle Twist' (Britney Spears); 'Confession of a broken Yogi', 'Anything but Headstand' (Lindsey Lohan) and 'That’s Hot (Yoga)' (Paris Hilton), this CD has something for every Yogi.
How The YogaDawgs came together to record this CD has been a bit of a mystery, but sources close to the singers say that they had all apparently come under the spell of the elusive and controversial, GuruYogaDawg, while they were in rehab (See Britney Does YogaDawg and Paris Does YogaDawg). The biggest surprise of the group was the addition of Paris Hilton. While not a ‘pop diva’, Hilton’s little known 2002 CD, Paris, reached number six on the Billboard 200 for a week. As Winehouse explained, “Hey, that bitch can play a mean tambourine.” Asked how they choose the name of the group, Britney Spears replied “We were going to call ourselves the “Rehabs” but that was already taken.”
Cynical critics have attributed the success of the CD to the multi-billion dollar Yoga industry and the lucrative Yoga music circuit. “Everyone knows that there is money in that scene. This is the first ever Yoga/ pop music cross-over sensation,” explained John March of Pop MusicToday. “Just as drugs, sex and rock and roll produced the Beatles Sergeant Pepper record 40 years ago; this YogaDawgs CD is what booze, rehab and Yoga produced today. It’s so whacked. With everyone in America doing Yoga, no wonder it’s a hit. I need some blow!"
Meanwhile, Natalie Cole, who had trashed Amy Winehouse for winning 4 Grammys this year, was asked what she thought about this CD. “What is this monstrosity? I am so sick of these skinny ass, crack hos. And what the fuck is yoga?” she replied.
Click to Enlarge
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Yoga News - Ex-Gov Spitzer – Further Revelations
Jimmy Olsen
For Yoga Crime Chronicals
On the heels of the investigation involving Ex-Gov. Eliot Spitzer over the call-girl scandal, another revelation has come to light regarding Spitzer’s secret life outside the governor’s office. Investigators have revealed that the ex-governor, in addition to having liaisons with prostitutes in a Washington DC hotel, had also apparently been engaged in partner yoga in an Eastern Shore yoga studio. The Yogic Love Shack yoga studio, located by a mosquito infested marsh outside Golden Hill, MD (a 2 hour drive from DC), is home to a style of yoga that involves using partners.
While some in the small town have reported seeing black limousines out there by the Yogic Love Shack from time to time, most dismissed them as pols from Washington going duck hunting. “I knew there was some funny stuff going on out there, but I thought it was just Chaney (Vice President Dick Chaney) shooting up barns and road sign that he likes to do when he comes out here”, explained Hal Cromwell (Organizer and president of the Muskrat Beauty Pageant).
In any event, investigators said Spitzer was clearly a repeat customer who spent thousands of dollars on high-priced partner yoga workshops over an extended period of time. It was also said that some of the money even went towards private yoga sessions with a yogini named Shakti.
What is remarkable about all this is the fact that the FBI has videotape showing Spitzer engaging in partner yoga. “We knew that he was indulging in some kind of perversion over there in that shack, but couldn’t decide what we should focus on, prostitution or partner yoga”, explained agent Ben Miller. “I mean, that assisted Down Dog he was doing was pretty sick,” he added.
In the court papers, a Yogic Love employee was quoted as telling Shakti that Client 9 — Spitzer, according to investigators — "would ask you to do things that ... you might not think were safe," and Shakti responded by saying: "I have a way of dealing with that. ... I'd be, like, listen, dude, you really want to do headstand?"
The Yogic Love Shack on Maryland's Eastern Shore and Owner Buddy "Sundance" Lee
For Yoga Crime Chronicals
On the heels of the investigation involving Ex-Gov. Eliot Spitzer over the call-girl scandal, another revelation has come to light regarding Spitzer’s secret life outside the governor’s office. Investigators have revealed that the ex-governor, in addition to having liaisons with prostitutes in a Washington DC hotel, had also apparently been engaged in partner yoga in an Eastern Shore yoga studio. The Yogic Love Shack yoga studio, located by a mosquito infested marsh outside Golden Hill, MD (a 2 hour drive from DC), is home to a style of yoga that involves using partners.
While some in the small town have reported seeing black limousines out there by the Yogic Love Shack from time to time, most dismissed them as pols from Washington going duck hunting. “I knew there was some funny stuff going on out there, but I thought it was just Chaney (Vice President Dick Chaney) shooting up barns and road sign that he likes to do when he comes out here”, explained Hal Cromwell (Organizer and president of the Muskrat Beauty Pageant).
In any event, investigators said Spitzer was clearly a repeat customer who spent thousands of dollars on high-priced partner yoga workshops over an extended period of time. It was also said that some of the money even went towards private yoga sessions with a yogini named Shakti.
What is remarkable about all this is the fact that the FBI has videotape showing Spitzer engaging in partner yoga. “We knew that he was indulging in some kind of perversion over there in that shack, but couldn’t decide what we should focus on, prostitution or partner yoga”, explained agent Ben Miller. “I mean, that assisted Down Dog he was doing was pretty sick,” he added.
In the court papers, a Yogic Love employee was quoted as telling Shakti that Client 9 — Spitzer, according to investigators — "would ask you to do things that ... you might not think were safe," and Shakti responded by saying: "I have a way of dealing with that. ... I'd be, like, listen, dude, you really want to do headstand?"
The Yogic Love Shack on Maryland's Eastern Shore and Owner Buddy "Sundance" Lee
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Yoga News - State of Yoga Proposed
Cynthia Bainsworth
For Yogaweek
In a desperate move to stem the tide of people leaving the state of North Dakota, Governor John Hoeven and Attorney General Wayne Stenehjem today announced that they will propose legislation to change the name of North Dakota to Yoga. Governor Hoeven explained, "This bleeding of our population has got to stop. We feel that this is a bold move to not only stop the fleeing of our citizens to warmer climates but, in fact, will increase the population of the state four fold".
A few years ago, it was suggested by some North Dakota state legislators that the state should change its name to merely "Dakota" in an attempt to curb outmigration and encourage business investment. Their rationale was that, by including the "North" in North Dakota, it paints a picture of isolation and bitter cold. Nothing came of this proposal.
When asked by reporters if the Governor thought the idea of renaming the state's name to Yoga a "bit harebrained", he quipped, "Look there is nothing harebrained about this. We tried everything in the past to get people to stay here. Hell, we offered free land and even open invitations to any and all illegal aliens. And not one person took us up, let alone an illegal alien settling here. With 27.8 billion yogis in the world, it would not take many to quadruple the state's population"!
When North Dakota's lone Yogi was asked about the proposal, she replied, "Wouldn't it confuse people when they heard that you were going to Yoga? I mean, how would they know you are going to the state of Yoga and not a Yoga class"? We presented this question to the Governor whose reply was, "Damn, nobody knows where the hell North Dakota is anyway. So why should this be any more confusing to them".
Current North Dakota map and proposed map
Current North Dakota flag and proposed flag
Current North Dakota state bird (Western Meadowlark - Sturnella neglecta) and proposed state bird (Crane - Bakasana)
For Yogaweek
In a desperate move to stem the tide of people leaving the state of North Dakota, Governor John Hoeven and Attorney General Wayne Stenehjem today announced that they will propose legislation to change the name of North Dakota to Yoga. Governor Hoeven explained, "This bleeding of our population has got to stop. We feel that this is a bold move to not only stop the fleeing of our citizens to warmer climates but, in fact, will increase the population of the state four fold".
A few years ago, it was suggested by some North Dakota state legislators that the state should change its name to merely "Dakota" in an attempt to curb outmigration and encourage business investment. Their rationale was that, by including the "North" in North Dakota, it paints a picture of isolation and bitter cold. Nothing came of this proposal.
When asked by reporters if the Governor thought the idea of renaming the state's name to Yoga a "bit harebrained", he quipped, "Look there is nothing harebrained about this. We tried everything in the past to get people to stay here. Hell, we offered free land and even open invitations to any and all illegal aliens. And not one person took us up, let alone an illegal alien settling here. With 27.8 billion yogis in the world, it would not take many to quadruple the state's population"!
When North Dakota's lone Yogi was asked about the proposal, she replied, "Wouldn't it confuse people when they heard that you were going to Yoga? I mean, how would they know you are going to the state of Yoga and not a Yoga class"? We presented this question to the Governor whose reply was, "Damn, nobody knows where the hell North Dakota is anyway. So why should this be any more confusing to them".
Current North Dakota map and proposed map
Current North Dakota flag and proposed flag
Current North Dakota state bird (Western Meadowlark - Sturnella neglecta) and proposed state bird (Crane - Bakasana)
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Yoga Shopping - The PatanjaliYoga Portable Yoga Studio
Now own your very own Yoga Studio. A complete collapsible Yoga studio, made of 100% recycled cardboard stock with biodegradable cloth hinges that allows you to set up your very own Yoga studio in a matter of seconds in your own living room. The PatanjaliYoga Portable Studio is designed from the specifications as described in the Yoga Sutras. It includes a Buddha, a Mandela and an Om symbol etched in henna on the surface as well as a view of the Himalayas.
Monday, March 03, 2008
GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore - The AhimsaYoga Knives Collection
A full set of kitchen knifes that don’t cut and cleavers that don’t chop so as to be better able to live non-violently. Features exclusive DoNoHarm cutting surfaces that are rust free and maintains its dull edge longer than most traditional kitchen knives.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Yoga News - Group Demands Economic Stimulus Package for Yoga Studios
Amy Beniker
For The Yoga Economist
WASHINGTON - With stocks gyrating wildly, panic in the housing market and talk of recession, concern is being voiced among the presidential candidates about rescue plans for the American people. What is little known is the concern among Yoga studio owners of plunging class attendance and short falls in the sales of Yoga props. With Yoga students mortgaged to the hilt, threatened by joblessness and having used their high end condos as ATM machines during the real estate boom of the last few years, these Yogi BoBos have suddenly found that the extravagance prices of yoga classes are no longer viable and have been abandoning studios in droves.
A group of studio owners and yoga stars has formed a coalition to petition the government for an economic stimulus package for Yoga studios. They have chosen Dennis Kucinich, former Democratic presidential candidate to lead this coalition. Even though he has dropped out of the presidential contest due to lack of interest among voters (outside of a contingent of disgruntled, sexually frustrated old fogies in Florida due to his campaign slogan of, "I'm old, I’m short, but I get the babes.", in apparent reference to his tall, young, smokin' hot wife), the coalition, nonetheless, felt that Mr. Kucinich would be the perfect candidate to present their demands to congress.
What is little known to the general public is the fact that Mr. Kucinich is a practitioner of Agni Yoga. "He is one of our own", remarked Jeani-ji, owner of Yikes Yoga in LA. With election-year calls to establish a cabinet level Department of Yoga (to capture the "Yoga Mom" votes), the coalition feels that Mr. Kucinich is the ideal person to push a proposal to get rebates for yogis who purchase bulk class passes of 10 or more. "This should help jump start the faltering Yoga economy", Jeani-ji said. "We are also proposing a so-called bonus depreciation to allow yoga studio to deduct 50 percent of business investments made this year as well as generous write-offs on yoga props and paraphernalia."
Several of the presidential candidates, both Democratic and Republican, rolled their eyes when informed of the proposal that Mr. Kucinich was pushing. Sen. John McCain, meanwhile, remarked, "And I thought Ron Paul was nuts!"
Dennis Kucinich levitating in front of a group of Yoga studios owners
For The Yoga Economist
WASHINGTON - With stocks gyrating wildly, panic in the housing market and talk of recession, concern is being voiced among the presidential candidates about rescue plans for the American people. What is little known is the concern among Yoga studio owners of plunging class attendance and short falls in the sales of Yoga props. With Yoga students mortgaged to the hilt, threatened by joblessness and having used their high end condos as ATM machines during the real estate boom of the last few years, these Yogi BoBos have suddenly found that the extravagance prices of yoga classes are no longer viable and have been abandoning studios in droves.
A group of studio owners and yoga stars has formed a coalition to petition the government for an economic stimulus package for Yoga studios. They have chosen Dennis Kucinich, former Democratic presidential candidate to lead this coalition. Even though he has dropped out of the presidential contest due to lack of interest among voters (outside of a contingent of disgruntled, sexually frustrated old fogies in Florida due to his campaign slogan of, "I'm old, I’m short, but I get the babes.", in apparent reference to his tall, young, smokin' hot wife), the coalition, nonetheless, felt that Mr. Kucinich would be the perfect candidate to present their demands to congress.
What is little known to the general public is the fact that Mr. Kucinich is a practitioner of Agni Yoga. "He is one of our own", remarked Jeani-ji, owner of Yikes Yoga in LA. With election-year calls to establish a cabinet level Department of Yoga (to capture the "Yoga Mom" votes), the coalition feels that Mr. Kucinich is the ideal person to push a proposal to get rebates for yogis who purchase bulk class passes of 10 or more. "This should help jump start the faltering Yoga economy", Jeani-ji said. "We are also proposing a so-called bonus depreciation to allow yoga studio to deduct 50 percent of business investments made this year as well as generous write-offs on yoga props and paraphernalia."
Several of the presidential candidates, both Democratic and Republican, rolled their eyes when informed of the proposal that Mr. Kucinich was pushing. Sen. John McCain, meanwhile, remarked, "And I thought Ron Paul was nuts!"
Dennis Kucinich levitating in front of a group of Yoga studios owners
Monday, February 25, 2008
Yoga News - Madonna Does Yoga in India: Requests Villagers to Vacate
Brother Satya
For India Yoga Magazine
DECHU, India – Material girl Madonna has become the center of yet another controversy as she allegedly requested an entire Indian village to be vacated in order for her to practice Yoga. The pop singer and her British filmmaker husband Guy Ritchie spent New Year's Eve in the ShaktiYogi Hotel in Dechu village in the northern Indian desert state of Rajasthan. It appears around midnight; she decided that she wanted to do some Yoga.
Deepankar Tamil, the front desk clerk for the hotel, said that Madonna called to request that the hotel be cleared of guests so she could begin her yoga practice. "I thought this was a bit strange, but when she requested that, in addition to the hotel, she wanted the whole village to be cleared, I wondered if she was perhaps smoking some ganga", Mr. Tamil explained. "Thinking that she was perhaps pulling my leg and having a good joke on me, I asked if she also wanted the cows removed. Well, at that, she started speaking in a voice that sounded like a cross between Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and Pat Robertson. It was really spooky," Mr. Tamil added.
This is not the first time that Madge requested that people be vacated around her so she could do Yoga. A few weeks ago, the 49-year-old singer was told to stop talking by an instructor at a sports club yoga class. According to the New York Post, this prompted the unimpressed star to shout out, "I want you all to leave!" All 25 students and the teacher abandoned the studio.
Even though it is not clear how many people actually vacated the village, there are some reports of sadhus disappearing. Whether this is due to Madonna's request or advanced siddis that they practice remains unclear.
When the Minister of Information for India, Raj Kulatunga, was told of the incident, he replied, "Well, I hope she doesn’t decide to do Yoga in Bombay. I don't know where we would move all the people."
Indian village before and after Madonna does Yoga
For India Yoga Magazine
DECHU, India – Material girl Madonna has become the center of yet another controversy as she allegedly requested an entire Indian village to be vacated in order for her to practice Yoga. The pop singer and her British filmmaker husband Guy Ritchie spent New Year's Eve in the ShaktiYogi Hotel in Dechu village in the northern Indian desert state of Rajasthan. It appears around midnight; she decided that she wanted to do some Yoga.
Deepankar Tamil, the front desk clerk for the hotel, said that Madonna called to request that the hotel be cleared of guests so she could begin her yoga practice. "I thought this was a bit strange, but when she requested that, in addition to the hotel, she wanted the whole village to be cleared, I wondered if she was perhaps smoking some ganga", Mr. Tamil explained. "Thinking that she was perhaps pulling my leg and having a good joke on me, I asked if she also wanted the cows removed. Well, at that, she started speaking in a voice that sounded like a cross between Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and Pat Robertson. It was really spooky," Mr. Tamil added.
This is not the first time that Madge requested that people be vacated around her so she could do Yoga. A few weeks ago, the 49-year-old singer was told to stop talking by an instructor at a sports club yoga class. According to the New York Post, this prompted the unimpressed star to shout out, "I want you all to leave!" All 25 students and the teacher abandoned the studio.
Even though it is not clear how many people actually vacated the village, there are some reports of sadhus disappearing. Whether this is due to Madonna's request or advanced siddis that they practice remains unclear.
When the Minister of Information for India, Raj Kulatunga, was told of the incident, he replied, "Well, I hope she doesn’t decide to do Yoga in Bombay. I don't know where we would move all the people."
Indian village before and after Madonna does Yoga
Saturday, February 09, 2008
And now for a brief commercial break...
My Third Eye Itches has been honored by Grounding Thru the Sit Bones and Yoga Pulse as one of their 10 most liked blogs. Thanks guys. Here is my list...
Grounding Thru the Sit Bones
Linda's Yoga Journey
Yoga Pulse
Diary of a Bad Buddhist
Barefoot Bhakti
The Accidental Yogist
Yogaraj
Soul Exchange
Cupcakes and Yoga
Yoga Squirrel Cage
...Now back to our regularly scheduled program....
Grounding Thru the Sit Bones
Linda's Yoga Journey
Yoga Pulse
Diary of a Bad Buddhist
Barefoot Bhakti
The Accidental Yogist
Yogaraj
Soul Exchange
Cupcakes and Yoga
Yoga Squirrel Cage
...Now back to our regularly scheduled program....
Yoga Pose - The Britney
Background - This pose came about by the excellent rendition of the Brahma Bull that YogaDawg saw Britney Spears performing for the Paparazzi. YogaDawg was so impressed with this advanced variation that Britney was doing that he decided to add it to his SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy Method ®.
Pose - Same as the Brahma Bull but this advance variation will have you using Yoga props to use as Brahma horns during the execution of this pose. Don’t forget to breathe and smile for the cameras.
Pose - Same as the Brahma Bull but this advance variation will have you using Yoga props to use as Brahma horns during the execution of this pose. Don’t forget to breathe and smile for the cameras.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Yoga Pose - The Hen Pecked
Background - Developed by MadDawg, one of the two disciples of YogaDawg and the handsome husband of HotDawg. This is homage to the feminine, the Ma or Mother, as wife and bearer of the hardships of afternoon Yoga classes and shopping. As chores and beer cans piled up, money gambled away and jobs were lost, the Yogi was inspired by his observation of others of the male species and incorporated that insight into this Yoga pose.
Pose - The teacher will start with a line of philosophically based questioning such as, "When are you going to cut the lawn" or "When are you going to look for a job." "When are you going to turn the TV off and get off the damn couch" or maybe even the daunting, "What the f*#*% is your problem you lazy SOB?" As you ponder these questions, you will give a blank and passive look at the teacher. You might chant the mantra, "Soon dear" or "I already did," or maybe even "I'm going to play cards at the bar with Fred and the guys." Your challenge will be to remain absolutely passive as you repeat these mantras. The advance version of this pose will have you lying down on your mat as you snore serenely. Don't forget to breath.
Benefits - This will find you serene in even the most stressful of situations. Said to be highly effective in divorce court and when dealing with your wife's divorce lawyer.
Pose - The teacher will start with a line of philosophically based questioning such as, "When are you going to cut the lawn" or "When are you going to look for a job." "When are you going to turn the TV off and get off the damn couch" or maybe even the daunting, "What the f*#*% is your problem you lazy SOB?" As you ponder these questions, you will give a blank and passive look at the teacher. You might chant the mantra, "Soon dear" or "I already did," or maybe even "I'm going to play cards at the bar with Fred and the guys." Your challenge will be to remain absolutely passive as you repeat these mantras. The advance version of this pose will have you lying down on your mat as you snore serenely. Don't forget to breath.
Benefits - This will find you serene in even the most stressful of situations. Said to be highly effective in divorce court and when dealing with your wife's divorce lawyer.
Friday, January 25, 2008
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