It was shortly after the bodily demise of the reigning King of Yoga that the yoga world began the search for a new yoga King. As the world was awash in yogis, (Note: yoga has became the greatest of all physical, and some might say, spiritual, endeavor to be partaken by cool, tight and trendy modern women and the occasional slightly loopy man), it would have seemed that a new King could be found and crowned quickly. But this was not to be, as there were too many damn yogis who also wanted to be crowned the King of Yoga.
Now, there was one yogi in particular who felt he should be the King of Yoga among all the others. His name was Harri Hari. You see, Harri was a popular yogi in the Land of Yoga. Stories of his god-like powers and cult-like following were talked about far and wide by the denizens of the yoga world. As word spread that Harri would be anointed the new King of Yoga, other yogis protested because they also wanted to be King. So it was decided that a competition would be held to determine who would receive this most coveted crown.
A location was picked; described by some as “a hot, barren barn-like structure that smelled of sweat and horse piss”. In all, five of the most popular yogis(or as some called them, “yoga stars”) would compete for the title of King of Yoga (though one malcontent protested that the title should be changed to the Queen of Yoga as she thought this King of Yoga was just so much bullshit as practically everyone doing yoga was female). In any event, a crowd of yoga students filled the vast space to vote for their choice for Yoga King. As the yogis in attendance settled in on their yoga mats and waited for the competition to begin, they were entertained by street musicians, fire eaters, fortune tellers, puppeteers, sword swallowers and a slew of dancing leprechauns. It was shaping up to be quite a circus, this coronation.
The five hopefuls entered the room one by one in their brightly colored, high end ‘yog togs’ (donated by the leading yog tog manufacturers). As they strode past the crowd, many bowed before them. When Harri entered, several fainted as he walked past them. “Damn, he’s good”, the four other contestants remarked to themselves.
The ‘they-who-want- to-be Kings’ settled on the dais and presented photos showing themselves with the former King of Yoga to the fawning crowd before them. There were color photos, black and white photos and the occasional faded Polaroid. All in attendance were quite impressed with this close association to the former King. But it was Harri who wowed the crowd when he set up a movie projector showing the departed King chatting and hugging Harri on an old reel of Super 8 film. An oceanic sound was heard coming from the platform as the others King of Yoga hopefuls become slightly nervous and started to do deep and loud Ujayyi breathing (an odd form of breathing practiced by advanced yogis).
A talent portion followed. One hopeful showed great talent with chanting; another led the crowd in a spirited kirtan playing a harmonium; another demonstrated skill at henna tattooing while another did a South Amazonia Snake Dance while banging on a tambourine. But it was Harri who mesmerized the crowd as he mounted a rousing and inspirational performance with a band of aging rock stars. The crowd went wild as Harri belting out an exciting rendition of “Stairway to Heaven”, all the while puffing on a beedie and guzzling a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. The audience began doing a series of Sun Salutations in time with Harri's singing. It was quite a tour de force by Harri.
The five hopeful then moved on to demonstrations of advanced yoga poses to the delight of the crowd. Everyone in attendance was in awe how these mighty poses were made to look so easy. When it was Harri’s turn, he rose from his perfect Full Lotus and stood in Tadasana; placed a pair of sunglasses on his face and promptly proceeded to levitate in the air. Pandemonium erupted in the crowd. When Harri reached the apex of his levitation, a bright flash of light erupted from him and he disappeared completely, leaving only a purple haze. Many ran from the room, entered into rapture or experienced spontaneous orgasms.
After a short while, the front door opened and Harri walked back into the hall with a big grin on his face. All in attendance agreed that Harri was truly the King of Yoga. As they chanted, “Harri is the King…Harri is the King”, he raised his hands in namaste and thanked everyone for this great honor bestowed on him. He looked out upon the vast crowd and speaking in a calm voice said, “My yoga book is coming out next month so make sure you buy a copy along with my King of Yoga DVD and companion Harri Hari’s Hoodoo Hits CD. Be sure also to attend my King of Yoga workshop, and book your spot now on my King of Yoga cruise. Tickets start at only $15, 978 per person, double occupancy”.
With this pronouncement, the crowd went wild and rushed for all the yoga goods that suddenly were displayed before them. Thus Harri became not only the King of Yoga that day but also a very wealthy yogi indeed.
Harri Hari, the King of Yoga