Yoga Teachers

YogaDawg will now introduce you to your Yoga teachers and explain their personal styles and proclivities. As you learn about Yoga teachers and what they offer, you will be able to wisely choose your classes.

Once you decide on a Yoga teacher and attend your first Yoga class, it is advised that you figure out fairly quickly whether your teacher is nuts or not. This was not much of a concern when Yoga was being practiced, as explained by John Schumacher (minor American Yoga Star) by “hippies, retired little old ladies, weirdos” and people from California as they were easily recognizable from the general public. But now that Yoga has gone mainstream, cuckoo Yoga teachers might now be more difficult to identify. So with that in mind, here are signs that your Yoga teacher might be a wack-job:

Brings their cats to class (or dogs, goldfish or animal crackers as the case may be)might indicate that the Yoga teacher is not all there.

Makes animal noises during poses (barking during Down Dog, cawing during Crow, hissing during Cobra or making gulping sounds during Fish pose) all indicate that the teacher is most likely off their rocker.

Blasts Beethoven’s Ode to Joy during class (or plays Opera and sings along) is an indication that the Yoga teacher may have a screw loose.

Tucks you in before Savasana might indicate that the lights are on but no one is home.

Reads quotes from Timothy Leary’s Psychedelic Experience (or give a peace sign while saying “Peace” at the end of class, or saying things like “groovy” or “far-out” or “right-on”) probably means that the Yoga teacher is trippin'.

Introduces themselves as some variant of a Sanskrit name such as Shanti, Shakti, Om, Freddy-ji, etc,.in place of their birth name such as Sally, Betty, Kim, Fred etc, could indicate that the Yoga teacher is most likely cracked.

Wears a Unitard (Yikes, run for the exits as this teacher will also show one or more of the above signs).

So with that out of the way, let’s examine the types of Yoga teachers that you will run into in your Yoga journey:

Yoga Teacher

Yoga Teachers - The Facilitator

The Facilitator will ask you your name before class, smile at you, ask if you have any injuries, use your name over and over and address you by name as you leave class. They are genuinely glad that you are there. If you have a question about a pose they will recite passages from ancient Hatha Yoga texts. The Facilitator can't do enough for you. They comb your hair, straighten your shirt and brush the dandruff off your shoulder.

The Facilitator will also invite you to stay for tea after class and invite you home for dinner. They will walk you to your car as they ask about your life and aspirations. They may even end up sleeping with you.

Yoga Teachers - The High Touch

This type of teacher will do all they can to have physical contact with you. They will call this an "adjustment". If you are averse to being touched, you should probably roll your mat up and leave then and there. You will be able to spot them before class because they will be the ones hugging and rubbing the shoulders of the students as they walk in. Once the class begins, you will be subjected to rubs, caresses and pecks on the cheek.

TIP: Don’t moan.

Yoga Teachers - The High Tech

Otherwise known as the Tinkerer. You will recognize the High Tech teacher by the head phones they will be wearing as they enter the class. This teacher will be endlessly adjusting their MP3 player and laptop that is providing the music during the class. They will be a whirl of kinetic energy as they constantly move between their mat and their gadgets. You will find them occasionally in deep concentration pondering one or several of their devices in the same way another teacher might ponder a Yoga pose. They will occasionally forget that they are teaching a class and that any students are there.

Be prepared to find yourself holding poses for a very long time as the High Tech starts to text message someone and forgets you are there. You will start to suspect that they have forgotten as soon as your start to cramp up. It will be okay to drop into child pose at that point or even leave the class, as the Whatever has most likely forgot where they are and only remember after they have turned off and packed up all their gadgets.

Yoga Teachers - Yoga Teacher Sub-classes

The Clueless

These are new teachers who have graduated from one of the many teacher training courses that Yoga studios offer. The course will last for 4 weekends in a month. They will have graduated this course and might have even practiced Yoga for a couple of years.

The Very Clueless

Same as above, but they have taken the Express version of the course that is held for two weekends in the month. You pray they have some Yoga under their belts.

The Extremely Clueless

Same as above but have taken the weekend teacher training course and probably exaggerate about how much Yoga they have done. Your only line of defense is to completely ignore them, do nothing they say to do. If you make the mistake of following their instruction be prepared to get injured.

TIP: It is always a good idea to make sure your health insurance is current before taking a Yoga class with the Extremely Clueless.