Yoga News - Yoga's All-Time Record Profit Gouges US Yogis, Group Says; US Yoga Profits Up 39 Percent

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SANTA MONICA, California - NirvanaPranaOneWorldYoga SuperStudio capped an orgy of Yoga studios quarterly record profits Friday with an 18 percent boost over last year to $1.4 billion, its highest one-quarter profit ever. What should really fuel the ire of U.S. Yogis, however, is its 39 percent increase in teacher training and Yoga conference profits, which come most directly out of the pockets of Yogis struggling to pay for $18.00-and-up Yoga classes nationwide, said the nonprofit, nonpartisan Yogis for Yoga Class Price Reform (YYCPR).

NirvanaPranaOneWorldYoga SuperStudio is also, to the tune of nearly $1 million so far, the lead funder of opposition to Proposition 108, the Fair Yoga Class Price Initiative on California’s November ballot. The measure would fund research and commercial development of alternative Yoga venues and diminish dependence on overpriced Yoga studios. It would be paid for by a levy on sales of Yoga props, videos and other Yoga paraphernalia sold by Yoga studios. Yoga studios are prohibited from passing the levy on to Yogis under the initiative.

"The successive record profits of the Yoga studios show that only outright greed drives their campaign against Prop 108," said Jeanie-ji, spokesperson for YYCPR. "The major Yoga studios want no interference in their ability to pick the pockets of Yogis, and no threats to their control of class prices.” “We find it odd”, she added, “that with new Yoga studios opening every day, prices should be driven down due to increased competition. Instead, there is almost collusion between them to keep them high.”

A recent poll by the organization, Yoga Alliance of Real California Yoga Stars, found that as the pain of continued high Yoga prices gnaws at Yogis, support for alternative Yoga venues and Proposition 108 in particular rises. A clear majority, 72 percent of those questioned, supported Prop 108 when its description was read to them. "The Yoga lobby has killed or stalled all attempts to rein in Yoga studios profiteering in the U.S", said Jeanie-ji.

When asked if there were other issues of concern beside high Yoga class prices, Jeanie-ji replied, “Yes, class sizes and crappy Yoga music. Not only are these studios charging outrageous prices for classes, but to add insult to injury, they cram as many students as they can into each class. We will be working on standards that will require all Yoga mats to be at least two feet away from each other in all directions”.

When asked about the issue of bad Yoga music played in the studio, Jeanie-ji replied, “This is one of the sleeper issues that many Yogis have been gripping about, like forever. It’s bad enough when they play that mind numbing stuff from famous Yoga kirtan stars, but when they start in with the temple bells and gong crap, we need to put our foot down”.

To incite change on a grass root level, YYCPR suggests that all Yogis take action in the fight against overpriced Yoga classes by filling out and sending the following form letter to any Yoga studio and their studio owners that they feel are guilty of the issues described above.



--------------Fill in the blanks then cut and paste into an email----------------

[Today's Date]

[Owner of Studio]
[Studio Address]

Dear [Owner of Studio]:

I am writing to let you know that your studio:

[check all that are appropriate]


( ) Is charging too much for Yoga classes
( ) Is too crowded
( ) Has crappy Yoga music


Until these conditions are corrected, I want to notify you that I will avoid practicing in your studio. I will either be:

a) Practicing at another studio where these conditions do not exist.
b) Practicing at home.

I encourage you to correct these conditions as soon as possible so we can continue to have a healthy Yogic relationship with your studio.

Please feel free to contact me once these conditions are corrected.

(Yoga studio guidelines can be found on the nonprofit, nonpartisan, Yogis for Yoga Class Price Reform (YYCPR) website)

Nameste,

[Your name]
[Your address]
[Optional: Your phone number and/or e-mail address]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yoga News - Early Sticky Mat Discovered

Anil Gupta
For EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

An amateur Yoga Archeologist has found, what appears to be an early Yoga sticky mat, in the Indian state of Arunachal Pradesh, bordering China.

The strikingly colored Yoga mat was identified by Ramana Athreyamana as he was hiking through a remote forest in the northeast part of the country. "Quite frankly, I was lost", said Atreyamana, age 54. "I was wandering around in circles, when at some point, I looked down and there it was! The floods in the regions must have washed it from a cave", he exclaimed.

When asked just how old this sticky mat was, Mr. Athreyamana, put an age of at least 3,000 years old. "We're talking Patanjali here, people", he excitedly added.

Measuring a mere 17 by 39 inches, Athreyamana was asked if that was bit small for a Yoga mat. He replied, "You have to remember that people were smaller back then".

Is this truly a Yoga sticky mat?

"With today's modern technology, we gathered all the information we needed to confirm it as a Yoga sticky mat", Athreyamana said. "We took samples of the core and analyzed the surface. This is definitely an early Yoga mat."

Athreyamana says detailed comparisons of modern sticky mats and this one reveled key similarities. For example, this surface of this newly discovered mat has a surface covered in pine resin and pitch, giving it a tacky grip. This has been spread over a base that appears to be of animal hide.

When ask if this was truly an early Yoga sticky mat, Mr. Athreyamana smiled, "Look here, do you see the hand and foot prints on the surface. See those chest hairs and scraps of clothes embedded in the surface? This was obviously an early model as it seems that the Yogi had not quite figured out the tackiness required in a Yoga mat. It must have been a bit of a painful experience for the Yogi using this mat".

The findings will be published in the next issue of the journal Yoga Mats.

Yoga News - Extraterrestrials Do Yoga - Yoga Crop Circle Found

Abdul Momand
For EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

A farmer walking his wheat field found a simple word in a crop circle that might signal, for the very first time, that Yoga is of interest to not only the people of Earth but also to the Extraterrestrial community at large.

This first Yoga crop circle appeared in the fertile area of the Becca Valley. The image measures some 640 ft in total length, with the pictogram showing the word, YOGA. Though not perfectly aligned, the word, in the the head-high early wheat plants with its spiral lay of the plants was impressive none the less.

When presented to the founders of famous Yoga schools, there seemed to be a common agreement among them, "This is obviously done by an Extraterrestrial force that is new to Yoga as the alignment of the letters are a bit shaky." A leading teacher of the Iyengar School said, "If the Extraterrestrials had come to one of our classes, we feel the lettering would have been aligned more properly. We concur that, either the force was new to Yoga or studied under one of the other schools of Yoga".

This major formation seems to indicate that Yoga is even more popular then currently believed.

Yoga Teachers

YogaDawg will now introduce you to your Yoga teachers and explain their personal styles and proclivities. As you learn about Yoga teachers and what they offer, you will be able to wisely choose your classes.

Once you decide on a Yoga teacher and attend your first Yoga class, it is advised that you figure out fairly quickly whether your teacher is nuts or not. This was not much of a concern when Yoga was being practiced, as explained by John Schumacher (minor American Yoga Star) by “hippies, retired little old ladies, weirdos” and people from California as they were easily recognizable from the general public. But now that Yoga has gone mainstream, cuckoo Yoga teachers might now be more difficult to identify. So with that in mind, here are signs that your Yoga teacher might be a wack-job:

Brings their cats to class (or dogs, goldfish or animal crackers as the case may be)might indicate that the Yoga teacher is not all there.

Makes animal noises during poses (barking during Down Dog, cawing during Crow, hissing during Cobra or making gulping sounds during Fish pose) all indicate that the teacher is most likely off their rocker.

Blasts Beethoven’s Ode to Joy during class (or plays Opera and sings along) is an indication that the Yoga teacher may have a screw loose.

Tucks you in before Savasana might indicate that the lights are on but no one is home.

Reads quotes from Timothy Leary’s Psychedelic Experience (or give a peace sign while saying “Peace” at the end of class, or saying things like “groovy” or “far-out” or “right-on”) probably means that the Yoga teacher is trippin'.

Introduces themselves as some variant of a Sanskrit name such as Shanti, Shakti, Om, Freddy-ji, etc,.in place of their birth name such as Sally, Betty, Kim, Fred etc, could indicate that the Yoga teacher is most likely cracked.

Wears a Unitard (Yikes, run for the exits as this teacher will also show one or more of the above signs).

So with that out of the way, let’s examine the types of Yoga teachers that you will run into in your Yoga journey:

Yoga Teacher

Yoga Teachers - The Exotic Dancing Shakti

You will recognize this type of teacher by the beads and bangles they will be wearing when they show up for class. They will look and sound like a belly dancer and usually calls their style of Yoga 'Fusion something or other'.

The Exotic Dancing Shakti will start their class off in the fetal position. There will be soft sounds playing through the studio sound speakers; a womb like sound of gurgling and the sloshing of water. A slow rumbling noise will begin to grow until there is a grand eruption into an explosion of sound. They will reach their hands up to the sky and start to shudder and shake. They will become possessed with the heebie-jeebies and do a Saint Vitus Dance. The Exotic Dancing Shakti will then begin to move like a hyena, slither like a snake, do a war dance like an Native American warrior while wrestling with cave bears, mastodons and snow leopards. The Exotic Dancing Shakti will eventually transmute into a trance state like that of a Haitian Zombie. All the while there will be the beat of primal drumming playing through the speakers.

You'll hear the Exotic Dancing Shakti singing in strange languages, emitting reptilian and chirping sounds and may even start speaking in tongues. If you happen to look at them at this point, you might notice that they have dressed in an ethnic costume of the world or even be naked while riding a white horse through the studio. They will end the class with a Jig, a Polka or do the hokey-pokey while howling like a wild banshee. You will feel a bit foolish as you try to follow them through their movements in this Yoga class. You will also wonder what this has to do with Yoga.

Yoga Teachers - The Facilitator

The Facilitator will ask you your name before class, smile at you, ask if you have any injuries, use your name over and over and address you by name as you leave class. They are genuinely glad that you are there. If you have a question about a pose they will recite passages from ancient Hatha Yoga texts. The Facilitator can't do enough for you. They comb your hair, straighten your shirt and brush the dandruff off your shoulder.

The Facilitator will also invite you to stay for tea after class and invite you home for dinner. They will walk you to your car as they ask about your life and aspirations. They may even end up sleeping with you.

Yoga Teachers - The Whatever

This teacher could care less that you are there taking a class with them. They will be like the wind as they blow in and out of the class without even the smallest how-do-you-do. They show up late for class and leave early. The Whatever will go through the poses without pause, make no comments nor look at any of the students. They won’t demonstrate or participate in any Yoga poses. Instead they will sit on their mat and poke around until it is time to leave.

At the end of the class, the Whatever will leave the studio quickly while everyone is still rolling up their mats. You will not know their name as they could care less if you know it or not. You will be as clueless leaving the studio as when you stepped in. The Whatever though, will always be dreaming of becoming a Guru teacher or a Yoga Star during the time they vegetate in a Yoga class.

Yoga Teachers - The High Touch

This type of teacher will do all they can to have physical contact with you. They will call this an "adjustment". If you are averse to being touched, you should probably roll your mat up and leave then and there. You will be able to spot them before class because they will be the ones hugging and rubbing the shoulders of the students as they walk in. Once the class begins, you will be subjected to rubs, caresses and pecks on the cheek.

TIP: Don’t moan.

Yoga Teachers - The High Tech

Otherwise known as the Tinkerer. You will recognize the High Tech teacher by the head phones they will be wearing as they enter the class. This teacher will be endlessly adjusting their MP3 player and laptop that is providing the music during the class. They will be a whirl of kinetic energy as they constantly move between their mat and their gadgets. You will find them occasionally in deep concentration pondering one or several of their devices in the same way another teacher might ponder a Yoga pose. They will occasionally forget that they are teaching a class and that any students are there.

Be prepared to find yourself holding poses for a very long time as the High Tech starts to text message someone and forgets you are there. You will start to suspect that they have forgotten as soon as your start to cramp up. It will be okay to drop into child pose at that point or even leave the class, as the Whatever has most likely forgot where they are and only remember after they have turned off and packed up all their gadgets.

Yoga Teachers - The Old Guard

The Old Guards don't go in for any of the New Age, artsy-fartsy, hippie-dippy,Yoga nonsense that is so popular in today's Yoga world. There will be no music, no candles, no partner work, no smiling and no, absolutely no, assisting in poses. The Old Guard will address the female students as "missy" and the males as "you there". If you don’t take them serious or happen to do a pose incorrectly, they will pull your ear, punch you in the eye, hit your palms with a ruler or put you over their knee for a spanking.

The Old Guard is usually a retired elementary school teacher. When they get angry at a student, they will banish them from the class to sit in the waiting area next to the receptionist until the class is over.

Yoga Teachers - Yoga Teacher Sub-classes

The Clueless

These are new teachers who have graduated from one of the many teacher training courses that Yoga studios offer. The course will last for 4 weekends in a month. They will have graduated this course and might have even practiced Yoga for a couple of years.

The Very Clueless

Same as above, but they have taken the Express version of the course that is held for two weekends in the month. You pray they have some Yoga under their belts.

The Extremely Clueless

Same as above but have taken the weekend teacher training course and probably exaggerate about how much Yoga they have done. Your only line of defense is to completely ignore them, do nothing they say to do. If you make the mistake of following their instruction be prepared to get injured.

TIP: It is always a good idea to make sure your health insurance is current before taking a Yoga class with the Extremely Clueless.