Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Yoga Sutras of YogaDawg


Pada I. The Haha Pada

1.1 Don’t take a yoga class after eating a bean burrito

1.2 No one really knows everything about yoga, really

1.3 Buy, don’t rent a mat (unless you are really into nasty and smelly rental mats)

1.4 Don’t fuck with the knees

1.5 Specialized yoga gear will not help you be a better yogi (and are generally a waste of money)

1.6  There are no secrets in yoga

1.7 At the age of 50, you will be told about senior classes

1.8 At the age of 55, the hot young yoginis are not checking you out but wondering how anybody so freaking old can still do yoga

1.9 Slippery mats suck

1.10 Wide spread leg poses are always a bad, bad, bad choice of pose in classes where the mats are only a few inches away from each other

1.11 There is a very, very, very slim chance that yoga will make you enlightened (but there might be some truth that Lululemons will make your butt look good, at least for yoginis…)

1.12 You don’t need to stick to one style of yoga

1.13 If you are being taken for granted at a studio, it is okay to go to another studio

1.14 Most teachers are being paid next to nothing to teach you (so always thank them after taking their class)

1.15 The most dreaded phrase in yoga is, “Okay class, pick a partner for this next pose”

1.16 It’s okay to refuse to do partner poses

1.17 No style of yoga will cure everything (despite what some claim)

1.18 Never buy a three month pass without first knowing if the studio or teachers suck

1.19 Teachers should always gargle before class if they are into adjusting and talking to you at the same time

1.20 A 200 (or 500 or 1000) hr teaching certificate is not a medical degree (get to a doctor)

1.21 There is no relationship between how much money you spend on yoga and how advanced a yogi you will become

1.22 A yoga class is always more fun than practicing alone at home with a yoga DVD

1.23 Yoga is way weird to the vast majority of people who don’t do yoga (you have been warned, act accordingly in public)

1.24 A yoga class will not cure a hangover (and it is a bad idea to do inversions and one leg balance poses after a heavy night of drinking)

1.25 The teacher doesn’t always know

1.26 Doing advance poses before or during a level 1 class will label you a yoga douche bag (like forever)

1.27 If you are male, stripping off your shirt after the first 10 minutes of class, even though there is nothing sweaty about it, will also label you a yoga douche bag (though if you are a yogini and did that, it would be totally awesome)

1.28 The teacher tends not to bother you if you set up your mat in the back of the class (dirty looks sometimes accomplish the same thing)

1.29 People will be checking out your asana (or ass) if you set up you mat in the front of the class

1.30 The teacher isn’t always happy to see you

1.31 The owner is always happy to see you pull money out of your wallet

1.32 Yoga studios are businesses; not charities, non-profits nor religious institutions (it’s strictly pay to play)

1.33 It hard not to laugh when someone farts in yoga class (it’s also hard to look innocent when YOU fart in yoga class)

1.34 People who do yoga are generally really cool people

1.35 Yoga stars are also really cool people except for the ones drowning in their own egos

1.36 Nobody owns yoga (though some will try to copyright it)

1.37 There is no One True Yoga

1.38 The most sensual thing in yoga is the full forehead and head message by the teacher during savasana (it’s sometimes best to think godly thoughts during those moments)

1.39 It’s okay to not be perfectly aligned (or fall out of a pose or go into child’s pose)

1.40 When someone claims their brand of yoga is better because _____ (fill in the blank), it almost never is

1.41 Mastering an advance yoga asana will not help you avoid paying taxes or complete them on time

1.42 The yogini next to you being friendly might just be being friendly

1.43 The yogini next to you being friendly might be more than just being friendly (it’s so confusing)

1.44 Always scope out where the bathrooms are located BEFORE the class begins when practicing in a new studio for the first time

1.45 The best teachers are not always the best (or advanced) yogis

1.46 A workshop by a famous yoga star will always be overcrowded and full of blah, blah, blah (Expect to pay lots of money but don’t expect to get any personal attention or adjustments)

1.47 Listening to your body always overrides whatever the teacher tells you to do

1.50 The yogi next to you will always have a more sensitive nose than you (eating garlic, onions and/or Kim Chee before taking a crowded yoga class is a bad idea)

1.51 Don’t underestimate the practice of good mat hygiene

1.52 It’s okay to leave the class if it’s too hot or you feel sick (really and truly)

1.53 The teacher is not always the brightest bulb in the class

1.54 Savasana is the best part of yoga

1.55 It’s wise to return back home if you suddenly feel gassy on the way to a yoga class (Gas-X does not always work as quick as you would like)

1.56 There is a direct correlation between how boring a person is and how much they brag about how much they know about yoga

1.57 It’s okay to laugh in yoga

1.58 There are angry, disgruntled and disillusioned long time practitioners of yoga (who knew)

1.59 Some yoga classes can be a waste of money (sometimes there really is nothing new to learn)

1.60 Rude, obnoxious and arrogant senior Iyengar teachers are simply rude, obnoxious and arrogant

1.61 If you are male, NOT checking out the hot half-naked yoginis in front of you is extremely difficult no matter how focused your dristhi is

1.62 Most of the people in yoga class are more flexible than you (especially if they are younger and female)

1.63 Yoga won’t necessarily make you a better person (or even a good person)

1.64 There is a danger that yoga can make you arrogant and self-consumed with mastering poses over time

1.65 Hot yoga will make you sweat (a lot) and make your mat slippery

1.66 It’s okay to go to another studio if the owner’s life-style bugs you

1.67 Don’t expect the yoga teacher to be your guru but be aware they may hit on you if you are young and hot

1.68 It’s called Wind Releasing pose for a reason (see bean burrito above)

1.69 Most music played in yoga class sucks

1.70 You are still going to get sick, get old and die no matter how much yoga you do

1.71 Deeply discount any claims by the teacher that ONLY yoga will help you _____ (fill in the blank)

1.72 There is no direct connection between more expensive classes and better yoga instruction

1.73 Yoga Journal is the best source material for satirical yoga bits

1.74 In some cases, you might actually know more than the teacher

1.75 Laugh in yoga and all is coming

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Subtle Body - Stefanie Syman


Now in paperback, The Subtle Body, is a must read for people interested in how yoga came to be what it is in America today. From the Omnipotent Oom to Bikram Choudhury, the book traces the personalities that made yoga an accepted part of the American life style. The Subtle Body explains how yoga turned from a spiritual pursuit in America with the landing of Vivekananda to a trendy fitness routine aimed at women championed by Indra Devi. Though stopping just short of the break out moment of the current yoga boom (who could have predicted Wanderlust and yogi agents just a few years ago) there is enough history here to keep the curious yogis digging through the footnotes and researching further. Well worth the read and an important book to add to your collection.

Stefanie talking about her book and yoga

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

With a little help from my cyber friends...

Yoga Dawg with Miles Davis, c. 1960-61


Carol from the blog Think Body Electric asked the question, "Why R U Here?", in regards to yoga blogging. Having been at this for about 6 years, I often ask myself the same question. I quit blogger a couple of times because it seems so pointless and then came back to it because I realized that I missed the yoga cyber community. There are some awesome people out there and the only way a relationship was able to blossom is through yoga blogging. Beside, where else can I go to amuse myself so much....

Carol will be part of a “Yogging Heads” Panel devoted to exploring precisely such questions at Yoga Festival Toronto (YFT) this August! Hopefully, they will video it or do a transcript for those that can't make it.

The panel is on Saturday, August 20th, from 6:30 -7:30 pm. (Mark Singleton's interview with Priya Thomas precedes it at 5:30-6:30.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Stop Yuppie Yoga United Front (Wanderlust Revisited) - From The YogaDawg Archives



What started a couple of years ago as a rogue movement of fundamentalist yogis making a stand against the increasing bastardization of yoga, has blossomed into an organized grassroots movement against yoga’s excesses. This movement, comprised of disgruntled yoga practitioners, has solidified with the formation of a group called Stop Yuppie Yoga United Front (SYYUF).




Poster put out by the "Stop Yuppie Yoga United Front" organization



This group of self-styled yoga purists is calling for a return to yoga’s roots; to a time when before the yuppie yogis (according to the group a yuppie yogi is a highly yuppified individual whose main interest in yoga is the fabled “yoga butt”) took it for their pastime. SYYUF feels that yoga has been turned into a circus side show; having been brutalized beyond recognition and had its so-called ‘spiritual heart’ turned into a yuppie play thing. Using tactics similar to other fanatical groups, these yogis have placed manifestos, flyers and posters outside yoga studios, yoga clothing stores and yoga conferences. They also allegedly tacked a treatise written on a pink yoga mat to the doors of a leading high-end yoga studio in New York City




The NYC yoga studio which had the treatise against yuppie yoga attached to its doors recently.


Their treatise read:


The yuppie yogi is a slacker; a pretty girl/boy, shaved, sexed and clothed in high end yoga togs whose soul is void of the yogic spirit. The yuppie yogi is the devil; scrapping and bowing before the cesspool of the Industrial-Yoga-Complex while spouting regurgitated propaganda of unity, happiness and harmony that they found in pop-yoga magazines. These semi-educated yuppies, espouse the simulated experience of yoga “stuff” while their brains are filled with fluff and the repugnant rambling of the scores of clueless yuppie yoga teachers.


"The true yogi is not a nice man or women, concerned only with yoga’s popularity and trendiness. The true yogi shouts unpleasant truths from the mats of countless yoga studios and forces upon the yuppie yogi the ghastly consequences of surrounding their bodies and souls to a narrow minded and timid yoga elite who too long has perverted the concept of yoga.“


"The true yogi does not stand in tadasana in famous yoga studios; nor chant Om among the mindless yuppie yogis participating pop-kirtans, nor pranam before a pimp-celebrity, bobo yoga star. Stop Yuppie Yoga NOW!!



SYYUF feel they are stalwarts for the prevention of further atrocities against yoga perpetrated by the yuppie yoga elite and has been agitating for the disruption of what they call “the celeb-fornication of yoga.” They seem particularly disturbed with the recent trends of yoga-music festivals especially embodied in one such venue called Wanderlust. SYYUF say they want to reestablish yoga for the common yogi and is calling for direct action against mass acceptance of yoga as a false economy for the few smug manipulative yoga elite and their ensuing grip of control over yoga. SYYUF is advocating a boycott against pop-yoga studios and institutions across the land.



Thursday, June 23, 2011

Damn Hippie Yoga

Thank to Sarah at Karmadogg Yoga Music for passing this music on to me. Start the tune and then look at the photos. Damn, love those hippies...





DJ Zebra - "See Me, Feel Me (remix)" - mp3 download












Tuesday, June 21, 2011

YogaDawgFest - From The YogaDawg Archives




Little did I realize when I wrote this a few years ago that a yoga festival would establish a two front row VIP section for those willing to cough up some extra cash. I am so ahead of my time...


Become Enlightened!

Buy Yoga Stuff!

Find Inner Bliss!

Attend Workshops with legendary Yogis from the Present and the Past!

Have your Photograph taken with Famous Yoga Stars!


It’s all here at the 1st Annual YogaDawg
Yoga Conference and Yoga Stuff Emporium!



The Non-Profit YogaDawg Organization, through the sponsorship of EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine and the GreatTranscendentalYoga Super Store, is proud to present its 1st Annual YogaDawg Yoga Conference and Yoga Stuff Emporium. Nestled in the confines of beautiful downtown Camden, NJ, the Bates Motel and Conference Center will be the epicenter of Yoga bliss for three full days. Join us in this groundbreaking Yoga conference that promises to have something for every Yogi.

The path to Enlightenment starts as you enter the fabulous Bates hotel!

Experience Bliss as you practice in the Bates Yoga Hall!


Transcend as you meander through the great Yoga Stuff Emporium!



Special workshops include:


Finding and Wearing Cool and Ttrendy Yoga Clothes

Becoming a Yoga Star

Shopping the Yoga Stuff Emporium

Become Famous and Make Money Writing a Yoga Blog

Developing your Yogatude

How to Speak YIP (Yogic Hip)


Become a Yoga Star in your own home town studio by participating in a special Teacher Training session offering full certification for the YogaDawg SuperDuper BlissInducer Yoga Method

Also available for Yoga teachers of all levels, the ever popular, “Yoga Teacher BS Training”.





>Workshops will be led by a heady list of famous Yoga Stars:



Earl of San Antonio

(Owner of Earl's YoGuy Yoga Place and Pistol Packin' Yoga studios)


Silver Ray

(Trance Yoga based on a Western theme – Hi-Ho Silver!!!)


Lip-Gloss Yogini

(The beloved studio owner and blogger now teaching from the transcendental realm)


Rod “The Knee” G

(The ever popular Yoga video star)


MadDawg and his lovely wife HotDawg

(the only two disciples of Guru YogaDawg)


Aye-Yi-Yi Zen-Gar

(Legendary founder of the Nerd School of Yoga)


Stanley Zambowski
(Owner of the famous Stan's Polish Sausage Hut and the Hot Polish Sausage Yoga
Studio; both popular hangouts for students from the University of Pittsburgh)


Ann of the Forest

(The new age Wicca yoga sensation who promises to kick your ass)





If this lineup of Yoga Stars is not enough to entice you to attend this conference, YogaDawg Productions is proud to announce the first series of workshops led by long-gone Yoga, Mediation and Kirtan masters.


Patanjali

A workshop entitled “Yoga, the Way it Was”, demonstrating his famous seated asana as described in his best selling Yoga book, the Yoga Sutras. )


Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

A workshop guarenteed to take "you higher in just twenty minutes, twice a day" for $6,584


>Sri Elvis
The highlight of the conference will be a special appearance by the most famous Kirtan performer of the astral realm, Sri Elvis in a special performance Kirtan, “Rocking the Yogic Soul”


Note the fine print : All entities will be channeled by MadDawg along with his lovely wife HotDawg, the two disciples of Guru YogaDawg! This is the opportunity of a lifetime to add these famous Yogis to your Yoga resume!




Unique to this conference is the easy to understand Chakra Pass System that will allow you to choose how close you want to be to the Yoga Stars themselves.


The Red Muladhara (root) Pass: This gets you into the conference hall to ponder what it would be like to actually take a workshop. Of course it will allow you into the Yoga Stuff Emporium. Come on, what did you expect for that money. You know you are being cheap! - $203


The Orange Svadhistana (sacral) Pass: 90th through 125th row. Binoculars available in the Yoga Stuff Emporium for extra cost. - $523


The Yellow Manipura (solar plexus) Pass
: 50th to 89 th row. Binoculars provided. - $1,097


The Green Anahata (heart) Pass: 20rd to 49th row. Location where you might actually be able to see the Stars from afar. A possibility that a Yoga Star will give you a verbal instruction for adjustment. Includes an autographed photo. - $2,965


The Blue Vishuddha (throat) Pass
: 3rd to 19th row. See and hear the Yoga Star. A possibility of one (1) hands-on adjustment from the Yoga Star teaching the workshop. Includes an autographed photo and DVD of the Yoga Star. - $4,678


The Indigo Ajna (third eye) Pass 2nd Row. At least one (1) guarenteed hands-on adjustment from the Yoga Star teaching the class. Includes a personally autographed photo and DVD of the Yoga Star and includes a voucher worth 10% discount off of all purchases from the Yoga Stuff Emporium. - $8,398


The Gold Sahasrara (crown): First row. At least two (2) adjustments guarenteed from the Yoga Star with a possiblitlty of more if you happen to be a Yoga Hottie! Includes a photo of you and the Yoga Star and a ‘memory relic' of the Star such as a toenail, a strand of hair, or bead of sweat in a specially designed yoga container. Perfect for adding to your yoga studio website to show how close you are to the Yoga Stars- $15,698


NOTE: Please study our handy placement guide below to see where you will be located in the class according to the pass you purchased.

To reserve you space send an international money order for the amounts above to:



YogaDawg Productions

Postal Drop 419

Ebola Okei-Dokei Street

Lagos, NIGERIA


OR


Slip a plain brown envelope containing unmarked Dollars or Euros for the amount above to our lovely registrant, Miss Clio, anytime before or during the conference. (10% discount applied for cash). Please use the back door of the Bates Hotel for this method of payment. Knock 3 times and chant Sat Nam.




Miss Clio awaiting your payment to the 1st Annual YogaDawg Yoga Conference and Yoga Stuff Emporium.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Just some yoga visuals (Black and White)

These have nothing to do with each other...just a bunch of found black and white yoga images.










Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Yoga blogpost of the decade

I meant to give a shout out to Lisa from the bindy fry's itty bitty brain basket for making the post Twisted Tridents of Truth the winner of the yoga blog post of the decade...Thanks, I am honored!