Yoga News - Pistol Packin’ Yoga

Tex of San Antonio
For The San Antonio Yoga Gazette


A new variation of Yoga made its appearance recently when a Yogi in Texas initiated the world’s first gun mandatory Yoga studio. This studio requires all Yogis to carry a loaded weapon while practicing within the studio.

Earl of San Antonio, President of the Texas Association of Male Practitioners of Yoga known as TAMPOY (see Yoga Declared 'Not Gay') has initiated this guns only policy in his YoGuy Yoga studio because, as he explained, “I want to insure that Yoga studios don’t turn into defenseless shooting galleries. There are too many crazies, criminals and terrorists out there. I mean let’s face it, even some of those Yoga students coming to class don’t seem quite right in the head. It’s the ones with the lavender mats and pastel colored Yoga clothes that have me most concerned.”

Earl has developed a unique series of Yoga poses that seem to concentrate on the Yogi’s inner gun-fighter. The poses include the:

PistolPackingMamanasana
TriggerHappyansana
ShotInTheFootasana
LockAndLoadasana
OKCoralasana
SonOfAGunasana
PistolWhippedasana
ItchyTriggerFingerasana
StickUmUpasana
BangBangasana
NRAsana
PassTheAmmoasana
KillBambiasana
WhenGunsAreOutlawedOnlyOutlawsWillHaveGunsasana

When asked if a Yogi could practice in the studio if they don’t own a weapon, Earl replied, “Who the hell in America doesn’t own a gun? That’s the craziest ass shit I ever heard.”

Yogis learning the finer points of StickUmUpasana

Yoga News - Baron Revels His Head

Sandi O'Day
For Yoga Celebrity Magazine

Baron Baptiste, famed American Yoga Star, has apparently taken his bandana off in public before two Yoga students.

Sally Rogers and Beth Sandez were the two students present when Baron momentarily removed his bandana for a few seconds. "It was awesome", Ms Rogers exclaimed. Though the reason for the removal is unknown, Ms. Sandez offered a guess, "We think his head was itching severely and he needed to scratch it". Beth noted that this event had not occurred during the workshop that Mr. Baptiste was teaching that day, but rather in a hallway staircase in an out of the way area of the conference center. "Yea, we were like coming down the stairs and there he was with his bandana off and scratching his head. He must have heard us because he put his bandana back on real quick like", they explained.

When asked what Baron's head looked like under the bandana, both students were at a lose to discribe it, "I mean, we were so blown away that he didn't have a bandana on, that we really never got a good look. But it did seem to have some distinctive markings on it", they replied. Ms. Rogers went on to add, "This is like seeing Elvis. I know no will believe us, but we will always remember seeing Baron without his bandana".

Mr. Baptiste claims he never took off his bandana. "Those two weren't even Yoginis. They were just a couple of cranked up, crack whores. You know the type those Yoga conferences attract", he said.

Yoga News - Sixties Gurus Go On Tour

Brent Showhoggen
For Yoga Entertainment

Due to the surge in the popularity of Yoga, income has plummeted to all time lows for a group of Gurus that where once popular during the 1960 and early 1970s. As more and more disciples of these gurus are showing up in Yoga studios, the Gurus felt it was a good time to go on tour.

The group consists of Franklin Jones aka Da Free John aka Adi Da aka Adi Da Samraj; Maharishi Mahesh Yogi aka Maharishi; Guru Maharaj-ji and the newly reincarnated Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh aka Osho. In addition, both Paul McCartney and Ringo will join on the tour to provide music. Tom Cruise wanted to join the group to represent L Ron Hubbard, but was informed that only live Gurus would be allowed on the tour.

Commenting on the tour, Adi Da explained it this way, "………………..", while Maharishi added, "Twice a day for twenty minutes". Guru Maharaj-ji gave a puzzled look while asking, "Where did everyone go". Newly reincarnated Osho simply said, "Waaaaaaaa". When asked if the two surviving Beatles would be enough to perform the music, Maharishi said that he would channel George Harrison. It is expected that newly reincarnated Osho will provide primal screams.

The tour will wind through retirement communities in the southern part of the U.S. The group believes they can create some bling from former followers that had left years ago to pursue normal lives, normal jobs and to play golf on the weekends.

Tickets are available for "GuruTour 2007" through TicketTron or through the website, GoGoGuru.com.

Yoga News - SF to Yoga – Turn down the Heat

Wavy Garcia
For SF Yoga

In one of the more extreme responses to the global warming crisis, practicing Yoga in a “hot” studio may be relegated to history's dust bin in San Francisco if that city gets its way. The Mayor’s office sent out notices today requesting all “hot” Yoga studios in San Francisco to refrain from unnecessarily heating their studios. “We hope they (Yoga studios) will turn down the heat voluntarily before a complete ban on excessive heat in their studios goes into effect”, Mayor Newsom said while signing the notice.

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors is proposing a prohibition on any Yoga studio that’s get hotter then 72 degrees. The proposed ban would take effect next year. Ross Mirkarimi, a member of the Board of Supervisor told the SF Chronicle newspaper that ``yoga studios designed to pump out excessive heat is a complete waste of energy and causes too much CO2 thus is a direct factor in global warming. This is unacceptable behavior in our enlightened city. If they can’t get sweaty enough during their Yoga practice without turning up the heat in the studio, then they need to take up something else, like volley-ball perhaps”.

For those who abhor Yoga as a vulgar display of affluence (along with yoga conferences, yoga clothing and yoga jewelry), such a ban could be a two-fer: Saving the planet while thumbing their nose at economic inequality. The folks against “hot” Yoga in SF often are same ones who hate McMansion-sized homes, corporate jets, jumbo freezers, yachts, 60-inch flat-screens TVs, overnight-delivery services and other trappings of Western-style wealth and energy use.

But according to some distracters, the debate isn't just about how much carbon dioxide “hot” Yoga is pumping into the atmosphere. Owners of “hot” yoga studios believe that this is really about the disdain that other schools of Yoga hold for this style of Yoga. “It wouldn’t surprise me if some members of the Board of Supervisors are doing that wimpy Anusara crap”, remarked Karmaelectra of Hot Tamali Yoga in Beacon Hill.

Reaction was swift and to the point from the targeted studios upon hearing about the ban. Shanti Bliss, owner of the Hot Dog Yoga studio, exclaimed, “This burns me up”, while Durk of Hot and Heavy Yoga said, “If they (Board of Supervisors) can't stand the heat then they need to get out of the kitchen”. When Sri Paris of That’s Hot Yoga in LA was asked if she was concerned that a similar ban might be proposed in LA, she simply remarked, “That mayor’s hot”.

Yoga News -Seane Cuts Her Hair

Sheri Sang
For Yoga Celebrity Magazine

Seane Corn, famous American Yoga Star and Yoga Babe, cut her hair last week. Even though her fawning male students are in shock, Ms. Corn reports that she is quite happy with her new 'doo'.

"I wasn't getting the respect for my Yoga skills like the other famous American Yoga Stars. Everyone was so focused on my hair and not my Yoga that I decided to cut it off. I'm not just my hair, you know. I am so much more. Besides, that stuff kept getting in my eyes all the time during all my poses", Ms.Corn said. She added, "I thought I might do the braid thing that Ana (Ana Forrest, another famous American Yoga Star) has going on, but Shiva (Shiva Rae, another famous Yoga Star) said Yoga students might confuse us. So she suggested this".

When Baron Baptiste, another famous American Yoga Star, was reached for comments regarding Ms. Corn's new hair style, Mr. Baptiste said, "I don't know why she doesn't wear a bandana like me. I think that would be kind of hot".

The members at the Organization of Bald Men are thrilled by her new look. "We have adopted her as an inspiration to all of us here", said Barry Barnsworth, spokesmen for the organization. "I think a lot of us are going to take up Yoga", he added.



Seane Corn sporting her new hair style.

Yoga Studios - The Purple Haze

The interior design of this type of studio is a drug-induced, psychotic, psychedelic nightmare that will pound your retina and brain into submission. Upon entering, you will find your field of vision becoming overwhelmed as you are assaulted by the jumbled, visual cacophony. You will close your eyes a lot in a studio like this simply to provide a safe haven your eyes. When you are able to peek around, you will find all manners of mandalas, Tibetan art works, day-glow posters of Ravi Shakar, funky hand painted peace signs, paisley wall hangings and tie-dyed statues of Buddha, Shakti and Jimi Hendrix. You might see Tibetan prayer flags hanging up above along with Love and Mardi Gras beads. Expect to find a gong and even bong in a corner of the studio. Perhaps you will even see Cockatoos flying around along with a pair of trapezes artists swinging above.

The Purple Haze studio always follows a very predictable evolution. Having been established during the 1960s as a Head Shop, it morphed into a meditation temple as the owners were busted for Pot or subversive left-wing activity and then a Yoga studio to cash into the Yoga craze.

Yoga Studios - The Eco Haven

The Eco Haven follows the guidelines set forth in the EcoYoga Association’s guide to ‘green’, ecologically sound and sustainable resource Yoga studios. The construction of the walls will be made from straw-bales and compressed corn-cobs making it smell a little like a barn. It will have a roof planted with soybeans or alfalfa. It will utilize passive solar design and may be dug into the south side of a tenement or condo building. The studio will feature rain water collection barrels on the roof, integrated wastewater treatment for the sink and toilets, photovoltaic electrical systems, solar hot water heaters, passive solar heating and a bio-climatic eco-cycle system. There also be sweat reclamation devices along with idle, inner chatter channelers and a Negative Vibes Converter.

The Eco Haven will be proud to offer a variety of eco-safe products in the studio store that the Eco Haven has branded with its own studio logo. You will find the new and exciting EcoHaven Yoga Mat whose innovated design is fashioned from the floor debris collected in the studio. It consists of lint, mat droppings and assorted hairs and dead skin from the Yogis practicing there. These are mixed with the recycled bit of unclaimed mats left in the studio. Remember that we must all do our part for a sustainable future of Yoga.

These studios will usually be arranged in a Feng Shui fashion. Otherwise, it will aligned to the either the cardinal points of the Great Pyramid in Giza, the equinox head stone at Stonehenge, the sacrificial alter in the Jaguar Temple at Chichén Itzá or the apex of the orbit of the ex-planet Pluto.

Yoga Studios - The I Don’t Know what the F*%@ I am

This type of Yoga studio is in search of its identity. What had started as a humble yoga studio has now blossomed into a Center for Yoga, healing, the arts, beauty, wellness, good food, fine drinks, fat cigars, bras on sale, good deals on used cars and, psst, you wanta’ cop some weed ‘mon…! You’ll know you are in this type of studio, because you’ll suddenly not know where the f*%@ YOU are.

You may go there thinking that you are only going to take a Yoga class, but upon leaving you will find that you have not only participated in a Yoga class, but have gotten a pedicure, purchased a new wardrobe of Yoga clothes (new mat included), signed up for a trip to India, purchased a couple of trashy romance novels about famous Yoga Stars and even gotten the oil changed in your car. The only thing it doesn’t offer is the how to maintain peace and tranquility once you get your credit card bill. Oh, did I forget to mention that the studio also offers credit counseling?

Yoga Studios - The Leave Me the Hell Alone

Mysteries abound around this type of studio as it is a great mystery what goes on in it and what it looks like inside. There might be some grainy and out of focus photos of the studio on it’s website and the only way that you really know that it is a Yoga studio is because the website said it is. The site will list an address and some vague indication that they offer Yoga classes. If you actually go to a Leave Me the Hell Alone type of studio, you will find the door locked. You will feel like an idiot by following the suggestion of the sign on the door to “Knock hard’ while no one opens the door.

Any Yogis that stumbles on one of these studios and by chance, someone actually opens the door, please email YogaDawg so this web site will at last have a description of what it looks like inside.

Yoga Studios - The As Is

The interior design of the As Is Yoga studio is that there is none. The style of it carries forward the style (if you want to call it that) of the previous tenant. It is an As Is aesthetic. The interior space is as it was and will continue to be that. Nothing is added, nothing taken away. The studio owner of an As Is will either lack any sense of design or was too much in a hurry to open a studio to cash in on the Yoga boom. In their haste, they overlooked doing anything to the space they rented. The design of the As Is is interesting in the sense that the decorations left over from the previous occupants will still be up and will give you something to ponder during your Yoga class. For instance, you might find magazine clippings of glossy landscapes in cheesy frames, calendars dated from before you were born, pinups from girlie magazines or even a stuffed moose head or two hanging on the walls.

You will have fun at the As Is as you identify the previous occupants from the visual clues left around. If the space was a garage before it became an As Is, you might find an axel or transmission lying in a corner. If it was a butcher shop previously, you may still see blood on the floor and maybe even bones in the bathroom. If it was warehouse, you will see shipping crates and pallets strewn around.

The As Is studio style of design is at it most potent when it is established in an office building designed in the late 1960s or 1970s. It will have linoleum floors, Venetian blinds, institution green walls and florescent lighting all popular during that period. If you need to use the bathroom, you will have to leave the studio as it will be located somewhere down the hall next to the elevators. Expect to have other occupants of the building ask if you are one those “freaks from the Yoga office” as you make your way back up the hall to your Yoga class.