Friday, June 29, 2007

Yoga News - Paris Does YogaDawg – A Jailhouse Conversion

Wholey Moley
For Yoga Entertainment Today

In an apparent jailhouse conversion, Paris Hilton has been spotted doing Yoga in her cell while attempting to speak Sanskrit to the guards (the guards say it sounds more like chop suey).

This behavior can seemingly be traced to her visit to a Buddhist bookstore just before being incarcerated. As has been widely reported, Ms. Hilton had visited the Bodhi Tree Bookstore in Hollywood a week before going to prison. She had purchased several books, among which was the Yoga text book, "My Third Eye Itches – A Yogic Guide" by the elusive and controversial Sri Sri Swami Baba Guru YogaDawg.

What was not known at the time, but which Yoga Entertainment Today has uncovered, is that Britney Spears has been in contact with Paris just prior to her visit to the store. It appears that Britney had suggested that Paris get the book "My Third Eye Itches – A Yogic Guide". It was also suggested by Britney that Paris become a disciple of YogaDawg (see Britney Does YogaDawg - Further Revelations).

It is not known if Ms. Hilton is pursuing this behavior with the hopes of getting out of prison sooner for good behavior or if she has truly mended her ways by following this most enlightened teacher of Yoga.

Editors Note: Paris Hilton was released from prison after only three days of incarceration. There are reports that a large number of the general population of the prison have begun doing Yoga and petitioned the institution for classes in speaking Sanskrit. The non-profit YogaDawg Foundation has reported an upsurge in membership applications from California.

When the sheriff was asked why she was released from prison, he said, "When I looked into her cell, she was all twisted up like a pretzel and speaking this crazy ass shit that I couldn't understand a word of. I thought she was having a catatonic fit. We are not prepared to treat something like that here in the prison".

Editors Update: In fast breaking news, Paris Hilton was sent back to jail Friday a day after her early release under house arrest triggered outrage that one of Hollywood's own was getting special treatment.

Hilton, who had spent little more than 72 hours behind bars, cried and wailed "YogaDawg, YogaDawg, YogaDawg" as Superior Court Judge Michael Sauer ordered her back to prison to serve out her 45-day sentence for driving on a suspended license.

At the hearing, the judge expressed irritation at the sheriff's department, saying he had never heard of YogaDawg nor received promised documents that were supposed to explain why Hilton was released due to this jailhouse conversion.

"I never received those documents. And just who is this YogaDawg?" Sauer was quoted as saying by the Los Angeles Times. There are now reports that a large number of the general population of the prison have STOPPED doing Yoga and learning Sanskrit.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Yoga News - Clinton Proposes new Department of Yoga

Julie Spank
For Yoga Political Review

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire -- Democratic presidential hopefuls traded barbs over the war in Iraq, health care, taxes and even Yoga Sunday night in New Hampshire. The stunner of the evening came when Hillary Clinton announced her intention of establishing a new governmental department once elected President which would be named the Department of Omland Yoga.

John Edwards responded by saying that he would ban incense in Yoga studios due to health issues explaining that this would be the centerpiece of his health care reform package (Edwards apparently took a cue from Michael Bloomberg’s ban on incense in yoga studios in New York City). Dennis Kucinich, who is known by many as "The Peace Candidate" and who is a Yoga practitioner, chanted Om three times while he did one complete Sun Salutation. Meanwhile, some in the audience claim they heard Barack Obama exclaim under his breath, “What the fuck?”

This is not the first time that Hillary Clinton has stunned critics and opponents with her unorthodox method of calling attention to herself while going after a segment of the population for their vote. From her blatant attempt to woo the southern male voter by showing up at a speech wearing an outfit that showed “cleavage” to the calculated cackling she has been spewing to gain support from the “hysterical Right”, this appears to be a move to get the “Yoga moms” behind her in her bid for president. Though creating a department of Omland Yoga is not a new idea for the Democrats (See Establishment of Department of Yoga on Pelosi's Agenda), this is the first time it has showed up as a proposal by a major presidential candidate.

When Clinton was asked how she was going to reach out to the approximately 27 women left in American that don’t practice Yoga, Clinton replied, “I’m sure Bill will come up with something.”

On the Republicrat side of the issue, Lynn Chaney was reported as saying,” Dick, put down the damn shotgun and get me my Yoga mat.” Ann Coulter meanwhile, when asked her thoughts about the proposal from Hillary Clinton, replied, “That bitch is such a skank, though is Bill kind of hot!”

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Yoga News - Chi to Chai – Buddha Cries

Nothair Not-There
For Yoga Siddhi Today

A small Yoga studio in Seattle was shaken when during a Saturday morning Yoga class, a Yoga teacher her students at the studio discovered that a bronze Buddha statue looked as if it had been crying. The statue, bought from Pier 1 Imports and placed on a window sill of the Yoga studio, sheds drops of moisture from its eyes that puddles in a pool of liquid at the base of the statue.

"At first, I thought there was a hole in the roof and rain was dripping on the statue”, explained Jenny Satcrest, "but the more I looked, the more it appeared like the Buddha was truly crying. What’s really crazy about this is that it only happens during Yoga classes!" Confirmed by several Yoga students at the studio, the statue "cries" faster or slower depending on what postures the class is doing. "The harder the pose, the more it seems to weep and it stops completely when either we sit in silence or are in Corpse pose", explained Ms. Satcreat "I’ve experimented with that statue and can really get it weeping if I announce to the class that we are going to do partner poses or do some chanting. Then I notice that there is a torrent of tears coming from the statue. It’s almost as if the statue has taken on a personality of likes and dislikes of certain poses and wonder if it is channeling the chi of my students."

This story gets even stranger as to the explanation of what the tears are made of. Ms. Satcreat swears it is the sweetened green chai that’s sold in Starbucks. When asked how she came to conclude that the tears were composed of this, she said, "Well, after mopping up time after time, I finally had the nerve to dip my finger in the liquid, smell and taste it. It blew my mind what it turned out to be!" When asked how she could be so sure that it is green chai, Ms. Satcreat said she stops by the local Starbucks everyday for her green tea fix and said she can identify the taste anywhere.

Others aren’t so taken with the crying Buddha though. When a rival Yoga studio was asked about this, the owner replied, "Well, I won’t be impressed until that Buddha starts dispensing Frozen Orange Crème, Triple Shot Espresso, soy blended Frappuccinos with whipped cream on the top."

Meanwhile, Starbucks is losing no time with a new marketing campaign incorporating Buddha with the slogans, "Forget non-attachment. I want my Starbuck Chai!" and "What would Buddha drink?"

Yoga News - Yoga Declared 'Not Gay'

Tex of San Antonio
For The San Antonio Gazette

The Texas Association of Male Practitioners of Yoga declared a proclamation today that "Yoga is not gay". Earl of San Antonio, Texas (when asked his last name he replied, "We’re friendly down here in ol' San Antonio way, so just call me Earl") founded TAMPOY after, as he put it, "Was sick and tired of people telling me that Yoga was kinda gay".

Earl said he got the idea after being razzed once too often from his male bowling buddies. It was then that he decided to start TAMPOY. When asked how many members the association had, he said 12; ten of which prefer to stay anonymous.

Earl was asked if he expected membership to grow and he explained, "That’s been kind of hard because males in Texas have a tremendous difficulty admitting they do Yoga. I was hoping that President Bush would publicly say it was okay for males in Texas to do Yoga. That would have gone quite a way of getting this issue out in the open".

Earl added, "By the way, we in the TAMPOY organization don’t call ourselves Yogis rather we call ourselves Yoguys; yep, we’re just regular Yoguys".

We contacted John Martin of the Coalition for Gay Rights for comments regarding this story. His reply was, "Ooookkkaaayyyy…." and promptly hung up.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Yoga Shopping - The ThermoChakra Thermometer

This innovative device allows you to check out your Chakras to see what state they are in. Coupled with the handy Chakra Healing Guide, you will now be able to balance your own Chakras, saving your time and money paid to the local Yoga studio that you had to do in the past. The ThermoChakra Thermometer is available in either mouth, underarm or rectal versions.