Yoga News - Britney Does YogaDawg – Further Revelations

Holly Jolie
For Yoga Entertainment Today

With the news last month that Britney Spears shaved her head because of a satirical news article on a Yoga humor blog, "My Third Eye Itches" (see Britney Does YogaDawg), there were further revelations today that Britney actually applied to become a disciple of Guru Sri Sri Baba Swami YogaDawg.

When reached for comment regarding this development, HotDawg, the lovely wife of MadDawg (formally Born and Maiden America) acknowledged that Britney was in contact with the non-profit YogaDawg Foundation. It appears that Britney sent a handwritten letter to YogaDawg requesting several YogaDawg t-shirts and explaining how she qualified (see Qualifications for buying YogaDawg Gear) to purchase them. In a PostScript to the letter, Britney wrote that she wanted to become a disciple of YogaDawg (Editors Note: MadDawg and HotDawg are currently the only two disciples).

As MadDawg explained, "We were kind of blown away that not only did she want to buy some YogaDawg t-shirts, but that she wanted to become a YogaDawg disciple". "Yeah, like we had her name picked out and everything", HotDawg added. When asked what that name was, they said, "CrazyDawg! We thought the name was perfect for Britney".

In the meantime, this reporter contacted Tom Cruise by phone with these further revelations regarding Britney and his reply was at first a stunned silence. Then he started shouting, "I want a YogaDawg t-shirt!" which at the same time sounded like someone was jumping up and down on a bed on the other end of the line.

Yoga News - Patanjali Appears in Fast Food Restaurant

Betty HandleyFor EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

Yogis are flocking to a McDonalds in Gering, Nebraska where Patanjali is said to have appeared to people.

The apparition is taking place above the checkout counter of the restaurant. Yogis say that Pantanjili has been appearing to them on a regular basis over the past six months. Yogini, Rita Gomez, who is part of the ever growing group of Yogis that has encamped in the restaurant, said, "The vision usually begins when handed the McDonald bag that had a women doing the Tree pose on it. When they look up above the menu, they say Pantanjali appears and speaks to them."

After Patanjali spoke to one 14-year-old girl, she began and completed the entire Secondary Series (a series of poses done in the Ashtanga style of Yoga). Yogi, Emmanuel Duchamp, 38, said he saw Patanjali appear. When asked what he spoke about, Mr. Duchamp said “Super size that".

The Yogis have been doing asanas in the back of the restaurant during normal business hour. John Mattins, manager of the restaurant, when asked if this was a bit strange, he agreed it was odd but as long as they purchased something, he was okay with it. He added, "They are just a group of devoted Yogis who come here each day to do their thing. There has never been any other strange business going on that has ever given us cause for concern. We are keeping an open mind”.

It is reported that there have been no other sightings of Patanjali in any other McDonalds.



Patanjali apparition at a fast food restaurant in small Nebraska town.



The bag that has inspired Patanjali to appear at a fast food restaurant.

Yoga News - Om Trademarked

Intel Insider
For Yoga Law Review

The Yoga world stands stunned today as Stanley Zambowski of Pittsburgh, Pa has made a move to copyright and trademark the word OM.

Inspired by Bikram Choudhury's successful copyright of 26 poses of Yoga, Mr. Zambowski hired his cousin Walenty Zambowski, a lawyer, who set loose a flurry of cease-and-desist letters warning yoga studios around the world not to use the word OM, the symbol Om nor even chant OM. "This is a cold and quiet day for all Yoga studios", lamented Rod Entriteramen of the NirvanaPranaOneWorldYoga Studios. "We actually had a few students break down crying because we had removed the OM symbols from the walls of the studio and sat silently before and after class since we couldn't chant OM and didn't know what else to do".

In the meantime, a nonprofit organization of yoga scholars based in India, in response, has put an additional 1,000 historians and scientists to continue to work cataloging all known Sanskrit words to block Mr. Zambowski from cornering the market on any other Yoga related word.

When questioned by reporters if he could possibly think he would be able to copyright the word OM, Zambowski (in the manner of Bikram Choudhury ) grabs his crotch, lets out a loud belch and thrusts wildly while screaming, "I am a Polish Bull! Boom! Boom!" Mr. Zambowski refused further comment.

Editor's Note: Mr. Stanley Zambowski is the owner of the famous Stan's Polish Sausage Hut and the Hot Polish Sausage Yoga Studio; both popular hangouts for students from the University of Pittsburgh.

Yoga News - Press Release - Movie Box Office Success - The One True Yoga

Betty Boopinski
For Yoga Entertainment

Helped by legions of Yogis, YogaDawg's Yoga action movie, "The One True Yoga" rose to top the weekend's domestic box office among plenty of competition. The picture took in $18.9 million in 3,465 engagements for a per-screen average of $7,747.

That was enough to edge out Mel Gibson's "Apocalypto" which opened at No. 2 with $16.1 million from 2,678 playdates. "The One True Yoga" dug into "Apocalypto's" shimmer as both pictures aimed to draw primarily male audiences. But "The One True Yoga" won the weekend by also bringing in an amazing amount of Yoginis (female practitioners of Yoga) as word of mouth about this Yoga movie made its way through Yoga studios around the world with the word that YogaDawg, himself, would be appearing in the film.

"We see this as the blog conversation or water-cooler conversation of the week," said YogaDawg distribution head Carlson Venuten of the picture's crossover appeal. "This film is so creative, so fresh and different. There's so much competition that in this marketplace you have to delineate yourself".

Starring Ana Forrest as the Temptress, BKS Iyengar as the King, Ana Brett as the Exotic Virgin, Bikrum Choudary as the Court Jester (Rodney Yee was the original choice for Court Jester but it was decided that he would have trouble transitioning between the small screen of Yoga videos to the big screen) and YogaDawg himself as the Wandering Student Yogi, this film chronicles the journey of a new student of Yoga through the wily world of Yoga Schools and studios. Fighting hypocrisy and rampant commercialism of the Yoga world, YogaDawg fights pitched battles with the founders of Yoga schools, Yoga Zealots and 200 hour teacher trained Yoga Teachers. YogaDawg eventually triumphs in the discovery of the One True Yoga as he ascends the highest peak of the Himalayas and throws down the tablets of the false Yogas.

Riveting... Sri K. Pattabhi Jois

Original and Pithy... Bill O'Riley

Makes me want to do Yoga... President George W. Bush

The character of the King was really funny... Geeta Iyengar

I want to be a Yoga Movie Star!!! Rodney Yee

Shut up Rodney and go into Child's pose...Colleen Saidman

Yoga News - 10,000th Yoga Style Reached

John Franco
For Yoga Associations Journal

An exciting milestone in the Yoga world has been reached today with the 10,000th Yoga style registered through the Association of Yoga Styles and Schools (AYSS).

“We could hardly believe it when we received the application to register this latest Yoga style”, remarked Joan Sutherland from AYSS. “Who would have thought that so many styles of Yoga would appear? It seems only a couple of years ago that there were a few, such as Iyengar, Ashtanga, Anusara, Kundalini and a handful of others”, she noted.

AYSS, founded in 2004, was the brain child of Lou Stelutti, a New York Yogi and Jazz bassist. As Mr. Stelutti explained, “I noticed that with all the teacher training courses, there were not enough Yoga studios to hire them all. It was about this time that I suggested that these budding teachers establish their own schools of Yoga. It was with my sincere desire to help them in their Yoga journey that I established AYSS”.

When asked if these new teachers have benefited from registering at AYSS ($1,750 registration fee), Mt. Stelutti only smiled as he looked at his Rolex watch and exclaimed, “Whelp, I got to run. I'm late for my Yoga class”.

Yoga News - Cow Yoga

Vern Miller
For EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

With the popularity and saturation of Yoga among the general public, Yoga teachers have become increasingly hard pressed to find new avenues of revenue derived from their Yoga practice. However, one enterprising Yogi found a way out of this dilemma. He has started to teach Yoga to cows.

While this has raised some eyebrows in the straight-laced communities of Montana where he teaches his Yoga practice, many cattle ranchers swear by the benefits of it. "My cows are so much calmer now", explained Guy Gusterson, a rancher in Custer county, Montana. "They seem to moo less which is a great blessing to anyone who lives on a ranch. Those cows can drive you crazy with all that mooing", he continued. "I think Yoga makes them more circumspect", he added.

YogaDawg, the brains behind Cow Yoga, claims his success comes from personally concentrating on each cow and telling them that they are doing a good job while at the same time letting them know if they need to improve a little bit here or there. YogaDawg is said to have a real personal touch with the cows. He realizes that each cow has their own skill level that they can work at and makes sure they never felt to be under pressure while learning Yoga.

"YogaDawg is just such a great guy, his vibes are amazing. Cows are kind of just naturally drawn to him', mentioned Wilma Gorden, another Montana cattle rancher. "You know when we first heard about Cow Yoga, we thought is was kind of nuts. After all, cows are kind of stiff", she explained. "But YogaDawg is very good with cows and makes them feel comfortable. He encourages them to just come as they are, gets their energy flowing", she added

YogaDawg explained how he came up with the idea of Cow Yoga, "Well, it was during a Cow Face (Gomukhasana) pose that I was doing when it suddenly dawned on me how stressed some cows are. Between cow mutilations from illegal aliens (the exterterrestrial kind), cow tipping (bored farm boys in rural areas who sneak up on an upright sleeping cow and then push it over for amusement) and lonely cowboys, it was obvious that cows could benefit from Yoga just as much as people". When asked what the hardest part was about teaching cows Yoga was, he replied, "Asking them to stop chewing their cud during class".

Yoga Styles - Introduction

The first thing you should know as a Yoga student is that there are many schools or styles of Yoga. As the world becomes Yogafied, new schools are getting established at a terrific pace. Unfortunately, they all seem to have funny sounding names and mired in philosophical hooey, hokum, hogwash, hype and hocus-pocus that will have you running for the exits. Well, being a true, red, white and blue, gosh darn American Yogi Super Star, YogaDawg will dispense with all that nonsense and break down these styles of Yoga in more understandable terms. This web site will guide you through major Yoga styles and analyze each of them. In this way you will know what you are in for and what you can expect as you wander into any Yoga class in the world. YogaDawg will give you a clear understanding of the methods and nomenclature of each as you stumble upon them in your quest in becoming a True Yogi.

Instead of bogging the Yoga student down by using the actual names of the Yoga styles that are popular in America today, YogaDawg will instead explain these styles in a way we are all familiar with; the high school clique. You will now, instinctively, be able to identify each style, method and inner working of these schools. YogaDawg makes picking your style of Yoga easy.

Yoga Styles - The Jocks

Otherwise known as the bad boy/girl style of Yoga. The swore purpose of the Jock style is to ridicule and condescend all other styles of Yoga. Though the Nerd and the Jock school descended from the same Yoga Super Star; Great Great Yoga Father Super Yoga Super Star, a great schism had developed between the two styles. Because of this, the Jocks take particular delight in persecuting practitioners from the Nerd School. They will also pick on other schools of Yoga if they grow tired of bashing Nerds. The Jocks will appear evil and attempt to kick your ass, yogically speaking, especially if you are a small, wiry Yogi who wears glasses. The women of this style, in particular, take great glee in doing this.

This style of Yoga is practiced in damp, smelly studios. They tend to resemble a boy's club house. You may find skulls and bones of small rodents hidden away in the corners. You will see practitioners of this school congregating in small groups (gangs) to discuss ways to torture new students and Nerds if they happen to stumble into a Jock Yoga class. As a beginner student, your means of survival is tied to your ability to hide in the back of the class as you practice, keeping your mouth shut and leaving as quickly as possible once it is over. Never, ever mention that you had taken some Nerd classes or classes of any other Yoga style for that matter. This is the equivalent of an Israeli showing up in Syria. Not good. If a Jock somehow catches wind of the fact that you have taken classes in another style of Yoga, expect to be tormented and ridiculed in the studio. If you make the mistake of mentioning it upon leaving the studio, expect to be called a Yoga sissy, a girlie yogi, have sweaty towels thrown at you and maybe even have your Yoga mat taken from you.

Don't expect English to be spoken in Jock classes. Instead, be forewarned that you will need to understand and possibly speak something similar to Klingon. On the other hand, you will insult them greatly if you try speaking their language as a beginning Yoga student. It is recommended that you practice the language at home. YogaDawg suggests that you find a Jock language support group and study the language for at least 7 years before attempting to speak to them in their language. The best bet, in the short term, is to simply develop and maintain a strong silent persona. This should get you through most of your classes without incident. As a side note, feel free to grunt, as the Jocks will appreciate this elementary attempt at their language just as the other schools of Yoga might appreciate a spirited Om.

Finally, be aware that the Jock practitioners will eventually try to test your loyalty and abilities by asking if you have ever been to Mypain in India. Don't acknowledge nor deny. As a new student, this is a dangerous area, so YogaDawg suggests remaining silence or at most, reply with an agitated grunt. This is a favorite game of theirs and you will even see them playing it among themselves. They will try to trick you every once in awhile by being nice to your. But as fair warning, once your defenses are down, the Jocks will attack you in mass. So always keep your guard up in a Jock class.

TIP: Unlike every other schools of Yoga, this style is not practiced in a Yoga studio. They practice in, as they like to call it, a Hellhole. The word 'studio' is too effeminate for them.

BONUS TIP: Don't ever, ever go into child's pose in a Jock Yoga class. This will only direct their wrath against you. You will gain the admiration and respect of the Jocks by pushing yourself to the limit as you try to keep up with them. You will get bonus points if you push yourself beyond your abilities to the point of injuring yourself. If you happen to drop dead from a massive coronary, they will hoop and holler and bang on their Yoga mats while they sing your praises. Unfortunately, you will not hear it because you will be dead.